NFL Week 5 Picks

When the Legends die. . .

3-4 last week vs the spread, 14-15 for the season.  This week we gather here not to praise Tom Brady, but to bury him.  Not surprised by what the Chiefs did Monday night, that was one of the few picks I got right.  The handwriting was on the wall for the Patriots and Tom Brady starting the week before, when they wheezed to a death rattle win over the abysmal Oakland Raiders.  Brady is too far down the road to carry a team, anymore.  He can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit, he has the worst collection of receivers in the NFL. . .and his running backs are average, at best.  He has no confidence his bargain bin pass catchers can get open deep, and from his body language it is evident he doesn't want to hang in the pocket and take hits, so he looks to dump the ball as quick as possible.  Opposing defenses are squeezing down, the walls are closing in on Brady. . .he's being buried alive.  In the post game press conference, Bill Belichick scoffed at the notion of evaluating the quarterback position, but unless Brady summons the will necessary for one last stand, we will see a changing of the guard in a matter of weeks.  Time and tide wait for no man. . .

Atlanta +4 at New York Giants: Battle of the Yo-Yo teams.  The Giants looked worse than the Raiders the first two weeks of the season, with Eli Manning making Tom Brady look spry.  But somehow the Giants have steamrolled the Texans and Redskins the last two weeks.  Are they really any good?  Never underestimate Tom Coughlin, I guess.  The Falcons have played like Mike Tyson in his prime at home, and Cicely Tyson on the road.  What's the problem?  Apparently there are rumors going around there may be some *Michael Sam* issues with the Falcons.  At home, under the eyes of family and friends, the Falcons play it straight, but when they go on the road, well, it's said some of the Falcons head straight for *Queer Street.*  After indulging in homosexual orgies the night before the game, many Falcons have nothing left to leave on the field.  Here's how head coach Mike Smith responded after last week's debacle in Minnesota when asked what he thought about the rumors of his players road trip gay sexcapades: 

When asked to elaborate, Smith would only add:

Anyway, who do you pick in a game between two such nutty teams?  The Falcons seem incapable of stopping the run, and the Giants have found their run game the last two weeks.  In a shaky pick, I'll take: New York Giants.

St. Louis +7 at Philadelphia: It's amazing how fast things can change in the NFL.  The Eagles o-line lost three guys, and their offense came to a complete standstill last week against the 49ers.  They get one guy back this week, but St. Louis' defensive line is pretty solid.  The Rams have gotten unexpectedly good play from their third string QB.  A couple weeks ago, the Eagles would have been a no-brainer pick for an Eliminator league, but now I'm not so sure.  I still like the Eagles to win, but I'll take 7 points with the Rams.  St. Louis.

Houston +5.5 at Dallas: Now everyone's on the Cowboys bandwagon because they slaughtered a shitty Saints team.  Hey, the Cowboys aren't terrible.  Any team with DeMarco Murray and that group of receivers is going to be dangerous.  But let's be real, they've beaten three pretty mediocre teams.  I guess this is the battle of the fake 3-1 teams, because I don't think Houston is all that tough, either.  Their supposedly awesome defense is 26th against the rush. . .and their quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick.  The Cowboys are less fake than the Texans.  Dallas.  

Buffalo +7 at Detroit: The Bills finally dumped EJ Manuel.  They got a lot of laughs for turning to retread Kyle Orton, but at least Orton will be able to get the ball downfield to Sammy Watkins, who's been wasted the first quarter of the season.  Former Lions head coach Psycho Jim Schwartz returns to Ford Field as the Bills defensive coordinator.  The Bills defense has been pretty solid, tenth overall and third against the rush.  If Orton could even be an average QB, the Bills could win the weak AFC East.  The Lions are 3-1 and have largely avoided the dumb penalties and turnovers that doomed them in the Schwartz years.  Calvin Johnson, now 29, is once again battling nagging injuries, he was used only as a decoy last week. And Matt Stafford took a beating against the Jets.  The good times never last long for the Lions.  Detroit fans should be smelling disaster.  Stafford has started 52 straight games after beginning his career mostly on injured reserve.  Schwartz will disregard the Lions feeble run game and crash the house on Stafford.  I have visions of both Johnson and Stafford being helped off the field. . .Buffalo.  

Baltimore +3.5 at Indianapolis: The Ravens are on a nice three game roll since the Ray Rice stink has gone away.  Head coach John Harbaugh, trying to avoid another distraction, has stated he don't want no part of the soon-to-be-open Michigan job.  Without Rice, the Ravens have revived their run game with a collection of no-name running backs, and Joe Flacco's also returning to form.  Andrew Luck is putting up Peyton Manning-type numbers, but the Colts are just 2-2, with their wins over bottom feeders Jacksonville and Tennessee.  Baltimore.

Arizona +7 at Denver: Peyton Manning is not going to like Arizona's defense.  He will not be comfortable.  He will whine to the officials.  He will make those dumb faces.  He will throw INTs in this game.  It looks like the Cardinals are stuck with Drew Stanton for one more game.  It doesn't matter.  Arizona.

Cincinnati -1 at New England: Great Sunday night theater.  After reading Mr. Gisele Bundchen's obituaries for a week, a nation will be watching Tom Brady, out of morbid curiosity.  Can he come back from the dead?  Will he be benched?  Or carted off the field?  The game itself holds little suspense.  The Bengals are better. That they are giving only a point is a testament to the Patriots past glory, and not their present reality.  Cincinnati.