Thankfully another football season is almost here to distract us from the interminable tedium of the *American Way of Life* (MAGA, border concentration camps, Israel worship, mass shootings and crybaby gun fags, sexual identity dysmorphia, foreign wars, low wages/imbecilic employment, unhealthy care for all, climate extinction and Jeffrey Epstein syndrome). Let the games begin and Elizabeth Warren be banished to the nearest reservation!
Pre-Season AP Top 25: Over-rated? Under-rated? About Right?
1. Clemson--exactly right. Dabo is the last of the great Jesus coaches and has established his football kingdom in the south
2. Alabama--over-rated. Defense ain't what it used to be. Tua will be the next Marcus Mariota
3. Georgia--about right. Only one tough road game, at Auburn
4. Oklahoma--about right. Weak conference, soft schedule. Jalen Hurts will probably finish higher in the Heisman voting than Tua
5. Ohio State--over-rated. No Urban, Georgia quitter for QB
6. LSU--over-rated. Has the talent, but brutal schedule makes it almost impossible to finish this high with their cornball head coach
7. Michigan--over-rated. The strange Ghost of Harbaugh-era continues: big promises, mediocre results, prissy spats with opponent coaches
8. Florida--about right. If they can win either the LSU or Georgia game, will be a dark-horse playoff contender
9. Notre Dame--under-rated. Only two tough games, at Georgia, at Michigan. Win one, and another playoff beating awaits
10. Texas--about right. Soft schedule, young defense, unstable head coach
11. Oregon--over-rated everything: team, QB, head coach
12. Texas A&M--under-rated, but like LSU, brutal schedule, but unlike LSU, competent head coach, so could finish in Top 10
13. Washington--under-rated. Best team and coach in shitty conference
14. Utah--about right. 2nd best team and 3rd best coach in shitty conference
15. Penn State--under-rated. Weak schedule, NFL players to compensate for idiot coach, a decent sleeper pick for playoffs if they find a QB
16. Auburn--about right. NFL players, but eccentric coach and LSU/Texas A&M-type brutal schedule
17. UCF--who gives a shit? Even if they go undefeated, they don't matter in the CFP race.
18. Michigan State--under-rated. Best defense, by far, in college game. Offense? Uh. . . If they can scrape 21 points a game, will be playoff dark-horse
19. Wisconsin--under-rated, the Penn State of the B1G West. The running back is the best north of Georgia
20. Iowa--over-rated. Coach has been there forever, long enough to lose over 100 games
21. Iowa State--under-rated. Tough coach, tough team in soft conference
22. Syracuse--under-rated. 2nd best team in flimsy conference
23. Washington State--under-rated. Great screwball coach always stuck in football Siberias
24. Nebraska--under-rated. Arrogant red-ass coach, soft schedule in weak division, QB over-rated, makes some of the dumbest plays ever seen
25. Stanford--over-rated. Most over-rated coach in college football
Should Have Been in Pre-Season Top 25:
Missouri, Northwestern
Predictions
Given The Current Climate In MAGA-LAND, Games Most Likely You Wouldn't Want To Attend Without A Kevlar Vest: Abilene Christian @ North Texas, 8-31. Grambling @ ULM, 8-31. Army @ UTSA, 9-14.
Which Coaching *Legend* Retread Will Win More Games, Mack Brown or Les Miles: Les Miles
1st QB To Pout And Declare Transfer: Already at least five, and season hasn't even started--Jake Haener/Washington, Jack Sears/USC, Kasim Hill/Maryland, Keytaon Thompson/Mississippi St, Colt Garrett/Texas Tech. There's no point now in recruiting more than one QB per class, with so many of these fragile egos around, you can always pick up Somebody U.'s leftover at the *Transfer Portal* yard sale.
Upset Specials: Eastern Washington over Washington on 8-31, Eastern Michigan over Kentucky on 9-7, Michigan State over Ohio State on 10-5, Utah State over LSU on 10-5, Kansas over Texas on 10-19, Indiana over Michigan on 11-23.
The Four Playoff Teams: Clemson (100% confidence), Oklahoma (75% confidence), Georgia (75% confidence), Notre Dame (25% confidence)
National Champion: Clemson, EZ pick. They are a cut above everyone else, including SEC Heavyweights Georgia and Alabama.
Week One Picks (against spread):
Wisconsin -11.5 @ South Florida: Massive beat-down as Wisconsin sends Charlie Strong 2.0 Meltdown to its 7th straight loss.
Oklahoma State -14 @ Oregon State: New QB at OK St, 15th year for Mike Gundy, which means nutcase act is turning stale. Oregon State can score enough to cover, and maybe even win out-right.
Northwestern +6.5 @ Stanford: Northwestern, as long as Pat Fitzgerald does the right thing and starts Clemson transfer Hunter Johnson at QB.
Oregon +3.5 vs Auburn: Most of the Oregon hype is due to Justin Herbert returning, but I don't see Big Time QB in him, one of those fruit QBs who looks like an All-American at those Skills Summer Camps, but in actual football games is just mediocre. Auburn, EZ.
Fresno State +14 @ USC: Clay Helton tries to save his job by installing Texas Tech's 5 win/7 loss flash offense. Good luck with that! Fresno State.
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
NFC/AFC Title Picks
Season Awards:
Coach of the Year: Ben McAWho? Won 11 games with a tomato can roster. Runners-Up: Jack Del Rio, had it in the bag until he cried when Derek Carr broke his leg, and his despondency poisoned his team in their last two games. Andy Reid. Dan Quinn.
Flop Coach of the Year: John Fox. Somehow only won three games with a Bears team that had a decent defense and a 1300 yard rookie running back.
MVP: Aaron Rodgers. Looked like the confused, depressed faggot he is the first half of the season, then somehow regained his old form and took a shitty Lavender Bay team to the NFC finals (or maybe even SB). Must have found a new bottom. Runner-Up: Ezekiel Elliott.
Veteran Flop of the Year: Cam Newton. Bi-Polar nigger QB had a horrible year, is he already suffering CTE?
Rookie of the Year: Ezekiel Elliott. The real deal. Will bring the running game back into favor in the NFL. Runners-Up: Dak Prescott. Jordan Howard. Joey Bosa. Jalen Ramsey.
Rookie Flop of the Year: Jared gOOf. Hahaha! Maybe the worst #1 draft blunder in history! Did the impossible: got Jeff Fisher fired. Season low-light: got pinky-promise sacked by #44 of Atlanta. Frail, nervous wreck of a QB, never looked confident on the field. Not salvageable. Mississippi Runners-Up: Robert Nkemdiche. Laquon Treadwell.
NFC/AFC Title Game Picks:
Lavender Bay +5 at Atlanta: The only way the Falcons lose this game is if Matt Ryan is BADLY outplayed by Aaron Rodgers. QB is the only spot the Fudge Packers have an advantage. As long as Ryan is within 80 yards of Rodgers and tosses 1 INT less, Atlanta wins EZ. Lavender Bay's receivers are gimpy, and they got no real running back, using a converted wide receiver and a fat white fullback, and their defense sucks. It's shocking, really, that they beat Dallas, but that's how good Rodgers was (though he wobbled a little in the 3rd and 4th quarters, and got bailed out on a horrible pick by a Dallas penalty, but with the game on the line he made a Hall of Fame final throw to set up the winning FG), and how bad the Cowboys were out-coached by slob-looking Mike McCarthy. I've never been a Matt Ryan fan, most of his career he's been a horrible red zone QB and he's thrown a ton of clutch-moment INTs. . .will he hold up under the pressure of being matched-up with Rodgers? Hopefully Dan Quinn saw how the Cowboys averaged 6 yards a carry against the shitty Fudge Packer defense, and he'll run the ball more than the 24 times dumb-ass Dallas did. The Falcons can run all day, and keep the pressure off Ryan, and keep the ball out of Rodgers hand. That's the winning plan. Atlanta.
Pittsburgh +6 at New England: In truth, neither team played that well last week. . .Pittsburgh didn't even score a TD, and only won because of a weak holding call on KC's tying two point conversion. The Patriots offensive line was beat often by the Texans, and Tom Brady looked flustered for most of the game, reverting to crybaby form after being pulled down by Jadeveon Clowney. Hell, if the Texans had even an average QB, they would have won the game. I wouldn't be shocked if the Steelers won, they have better players than NE, and I don't think the Patriot defense can shut down Le'Veon Bell. . .but I just don't trust nigger coach Mike Tomlin not to fuck it up. Steelers should cover the 6, but lose by a FG due to a late game coaching blunder by nigger Tomlin. Pittsburgh.
Coach of the Year: Ben McAWho? Won 11 games with a tomato can roster. Runners-Up: Jack Del Rio, had it in the bag until he cried when Derek Carr broke his leg, and his despondency poisoned his team in their last two games. Andy Reid. Dan Quinn.
Flop Coach of the Year: John Fox. Somehow only won three games with a Bears team that had a decent defense and a 1300 yard rookie running back.
MVP: Aaron Rodgers. Looked like the confused, depressed faggot he is the first half of the season, then somehow regained his old form and took a shitty Lavender Bay team to the NFC finals (or maybe even SB). Must have found a new bottom. Runner-Up: Ezekiel Elliott.
Veteran Flop of the Year: Cam Newton. Bi-Polar nigger QB had a horrible year, is he already suffering CTE?
Rookie of the Year: Ezekiel Elliott. The real deal. Will bring the running game back into favor in the NFL. Runners-Up: Dak Prescott. Jordan Howard. Joey Bosa. Jalen Ramsey.
Rookie Flop of the Year: Jared gOOf. Hahaha! Maybe the worst #1 draft blunder in history! Did the impossible: got Jeff Fisher fired. Season low-light: got pinky-promise sacked by #44 of Atlanta. Frail, nervous wreck of a QB, never looked confident on the field. Not salvageable. Mississippi Runners-Up: Robert Nkemdiche. Laquon Treadwell.
NFC/AFC Title Game Picks:
Lavender Bay +5 at Atlanta: The only way the Falcons lose this game is if Matt Ryan is BADLY outplayed by Aaron Rodgers. QB is the only spot the Fudge Packers have an advantage. As long as Ryan is within 80 yards of Rodgers and tosses 1 INT less, Atlanta wins EZ. Lavender Bay's receivers are gimpy, and they got no real running back, using a converted wide receiver and a fat white fullback, and their defense sucks. It's shocking, really, that they beat Dallas, but that's how good Rodgers was (though he wobbled a little in the 3rd and 4th quarters, and got bailed out on a horrible pick by a Dallas penalty, but with the game on the line he made a Hall of Fame final throw to set up the winning FG), and how bad the Cowboys were out-coached by slob-looking Mike McCarthy. I've never been a Matt Ryan fan, most of his career he's been a horrible red zone QB and he's thrown a ton of clutch-moment INTs. . .will he hold up under the pressure of being matched-up with Rodgers? Hopefully Dan Quinn saw how the Cowboys averaged 6 yards a carry against the shitty Fudge Packer defense, and he'll run the ball more than the 24 times dumb-ass Dallas did. The Falcons can run all day, and keep the pressure off Ryan, and keep the ball out of Rodgers hand. That's the winning plan. Atlanta.
Pittsburgh +6 at New England: In truth, neither team played that well last week. . .Pittsburgh didn't even score a TD, and only won because of a weak holding call on KC's tying two point conversion. The Patriots offensive line was beat often by the Texans, and Tom Brady looked flustered for most of the game, reverting to crybaby form after being pulled down by Jadeveon Clowney. Hell, if the Texans had even an average QB, they would have won the game. I wouldn't be shocked if the Steelers won, they have better players than NE, and I don't think the Patriot defense can shut down Le'Veon Bell. . .but I just don't trust nigger coach Mike Tomlin not to fuck it up. Steelers should cover the 6, but lose by a FG due to a late game coaching blunder by nigger Tomlin. Pittsburgh.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Wild Card Playoff Picks
1-2 vs the spread last week, 53-46-2 for the year. . .
Oakland +3.5 at Houston: Ha ha ha ha! Matt McGroin or Connor Cook vs Broke Assweipler or Tom Savage. . .has there ever been a worse QB combination for a Professional Football playoff game? And there's no room for Tim Tebow in the NFL? But anyways, Houston's defense is much better than Oakland's, and they have home field advantage. . .but Oakland's getting points in a game in which both teams will struggle to score. . .but Jack Del Rio still hasn't recovered emotionally from Derek Carr's injury, the Raiders looked traumatized against a shitty Denver team run by a shell-shocked coach. . .so. . .Houston.
Detroit +8 at Seattle: Huh? What are the Lions doing in the playoffs? Oh, Jay Gruden and Kirk CousINTs couldn't win a home game against a Giants team with nothing to play for, so Dee-troit backs into the Wild Card with a three game losing streak. The Lions are by far the worst of the 12 playoff teams, with a defense that has played its two worst games the last two weeks, and an offense that plays good for one half, and then has no answers in the second half, and for some reason forgets about their white running back. Seattle's run game has disappeared, and their defense isn't what it used to be. . .they look ripe for an upset, but the Lions ain't the team to do it. . .the Lions have the stink of the born loser, as perfectly evidenced when they stopped Lavender Bay on a third down with 5 minutes left in the game, and would have forced a punt and got the ball back only 6 points down, but linebacker DeAndre Levy didn't hustle off the field in time, and the Lions got hit with a 12 men on the field penalty, so, first down Fudge Packers, drive extended, Rodgers takes full advantage, TD, game over, typical Lions born loser move. . .so, no, they ain't gonna beat a very beatable Seattle team, and Matthew Stafford ain't never gonna carry a team on his shoulders the way faggot Aaron Rodgers carries the Lavender Bay Fudge Packers. . .Lions won't even keep this one close. . .and even if they do, you know the zebras will give the Seahawks whatever home cookin' they need to ensure the National Football League gets its shiny Seattle - Atlanta divisional round game. Seattle.
Miami +10 at Pittsburgh: 10 points? I'll take 10 points against dumb nigger coach Mike Tomlin anytime (and Terry Bradshaw was right). And besides, Ryan Tannehill ain't that much better than Matt Moore. The Dolphins ain't missing much at the QB spot. Give me Miami, and Donkeykong Suh's gonna knock Big Ben outta this game, anyway. Miami.
New York Giants +4.5 at Lavender Bay: The Giants are one of the worst 11 win teams ever. Their defense is pretty solid, but defense don't seem to matter much, anymore. 5 of the top 7 teams in total defense MISSED the playoffs. Atlanta gives up 370 yards a game, and is probably the 2nd or 3rd choice behind the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. The Fudge Packers defense is lousy, but I see no way the Giants hang with them. . .plus the NFL will make sure the zebras guarantee a dream Lavender Bay - Dallas divisional round game. Lavender Bay.
Oakland +3.5 at Houston: Ha ha ha ha! Matt McGroin or Connor Cook vs Broke Assweipler or Tom Savage. . .has there ever been a worse QB combination for a Professional Football playoff game? And there's no room for Tim Tebow in the NFL? But anyways, Houston's defense is much better than Oakland's, and they have home field advantage. . .but Oakland's getting points in a game in which both teams will struggle to score. . .but Jack Del Rio still hasn't recovered emotionally from Derek Carr's injury, the Raiders looked traumatized against a shitty Denver team run by a shell-shocked coach. . .so. . .Houston.
Detroit +8 at Seattle: Huh? What are the Lions doing in the playoffs? Oh, Jay Gruden and Kirk CousINTs couldn't win a home game against a Giants team with nothing to play for, so Dee-troit backs into the Wild Card with a three game losing streak. The Lions are by far the worst of the 12 playoff teams, with a defense that has played its two worst games the last two weeks, and an offense that plays good for one half, and then has no answers in the second half, and for some reason forgets about their white running back. Seattle's run game has disappeared, and their defense isn't what it used to be. . .they look ripe for an upset, but the Lions ain't the team to do it. . .the Lions have the stink of the born loser, as perfectly evidenced when they stopped Lavender Bay on a third down with 5 minutes left in the game, and would have forced a punt and got the ball back only 6 points down, but linebacker DeAndre Levy didn't hustle off the field in time, and the Lions got hit with a 12 men on the field penalty, so, first down Fudge Packers, drive extended, Rodgers takes full advantage, TD, game over, typical Lions born loser move. . .so, no, they ain't gonna beat a very beatable Seattle team, and Matthew Stafford ain't never gonna carry a team on his shoulders the way faggot Aaron Rodgers carries the Lavender Bay Fudge Packers. . .Lions won't even keep this one close. . .and even if they do, you know the zebras will give the Seahawks whatever home cookin' they need to ensure the National Football League gets its shiny Seattle - Atlanta divisional round game. Seattle.
Miami +10 at Pittsburgh: 10 points? I'll take 10 points against dumb nigger coach Mike Tomlin anytime (and Terry Bradshaw was right). And besides, Ryan Tannehill ain't that much better than Matt Moore. The Dolphins ain't missing much at the QB spot. Give me Miami, and Donkeykong Suh's gonna knock Big Ben outta this game, anyway. Miami.
New York Giants +4.5 at Lavender Bay: The Giants are one of the worst 11 win teams ever. Their defense is pretty solid, but defense don't seem to matter much, anymore. 5 of the top 7 teams in total defense MISSED the playoffs. Atlanta gives up 370 yards a game, and is probably the 2nd or 3rd choice behind the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. The Fudge Packers defense is lousy, but I see no way the Giants hang with them. . .plus the NFL will make sure the zebras guarantee a dream Lavender Bay - Dallas divisional round game. Lavender Bay.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
NFL Week 17 Picks
2-2 vs the spread last week, 52-44-2 for the year. . .
New Orleans +7 at Atlanta: The Falcons would be nuts to play Julio Jones in this game. They can kick the Saints ass and lock up the NFC #2 seed and a first round playoff bye without him. I don't think they can beat Seattle and Dallas with Jones limping off the field every other play. Two weeks rest for Jones is worth 6 points going into the likely divisional round playoff game with the Seahawks. Atlanta.
Oakland +1.5 at Denver: How did tough guy Raider HC Jack Del Rio react to starting QB Derek Carr's season-ending injury? In his postgame news conference, Del Rio's eyes were red and wet. No tears fell, but close. Hey, coach, way to keep the team upbeat, and way to instill confidence in the back-up QB, some guy named Matt McGroin or something. Hey, coach, you got a nice practice game here to get McGroin ready to lead your team to the Super Bowl. Gee, don't sit there and cry and act like it's all over. Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl. Jake Delhomme almost beat Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the Patriots in a Super Bowl. Tough guys don't cry. Tough guys like the challenge of winning when everybody thinks they don't got a chance. Quit pissing yourself, pull up your pants and get to work. Even with McGroin, with the players you got left, you should still at least get to the AFC title game in New England. Then you can piss yourself. Oakland.
Green Bay -3.5 at Detroit: Ha ha ha ha! The Lions are a home underdog! Everybody expects them to complete their choke and blow the North Pole division and a playoff spot. But Lavender Bay ain't that fucking good. . .their defense is spotty, and even though Aaron Rodgers has been playing very well the last half of the season, he's still a fucking faggot, a pussy faggot scared to come out of the closet. Nigger Jim Caldwell's job should be on the line in this game. It was no disgrace to lose at the Giants and Cowboys, but don't lose a title game at home in the last week. The Lions defense was clueless against the Cowboys, Scott Linehan dissected them perfectly. . .but Lions nigger DC Teryl Austin knows the Packers inside and out, and there won't be any surprises Sunday night. But even more is on the line than Nigger Jim Caldwell's job status, this game is a Matthew Stafford litmus test. How many more chances is he gonna get to prove he's anything more than an average QB? Hey, Matty, time to win something, for crying out loud! Take off those sissy-looking gloves and win a big game, for once! Otherwise, go join that worthless nigger Calvin Johnson on some faggot TV game show. Detroit.
OH, YEAH. . .I hope the Redskins win their game Sunday, so the Lions-Packers game is a true win-or-else game. If the Redskins lose, the Lions-Packers loser still backs into the playoffs as a Wild Card. For Detroit and Matthew Stafford especially, they need to prove they can win a big game, straight-up. . .without any Wild Card pill to take the edge off their anxiety level. . .
OH, YEAH. . .I hope the Redskins win their game Sunday, so the Lions-Packers game is a true win-or-else game. If the Redskins lose, the Lions-Packers loser still backs into the playoffs as a Wild Card. For Detroit and Matthew Stafford especially, they need to prove they can win a big game, straight-up. . .without any Wild Card pill to take the edge off their anxiety level. . .
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
NFL Week 16 Picks (Sloppy, Hurried Holiday Edition)
5-1 vs the spread last week, 50-42-2 for the year. . .
Minnesota +7 at Green Bay: The Vikings got rolled by one of the softest teams in the League, the Colts, last week. . .I can't imagine that sat too well with Mike Zimmer. I expect a much better effort from Minnesota this week. The Lavender Bay Fudge Packers are on a little hot streak, with their faggot QB Aaron Rodgers playing like an All-Pro again, and now Media has them pegged as a *dangerous* team. . .sorry, but their defense isn't good enough for them to be *dangerous.* Minnesota.
Atlanta -2.5 at Carolina: After playing the Rams and 49ers, the Panthers are gonna seem like the '85 Bears to the Falcons. It might take the Falcons until late into the second half to get over the shock of having to play a real professional football team. Atlanta wins late. Atlanta.
Baltimore +5 at Pittsburgh: This one is for the AFC North Division title. Steelers have the better offense, the Ravens have the better defense and coach. Baltimore.
Detroit +7 at Dallas: Lions will keep this one close all the way and beat the spread, and may lead late in the game, but no way the League lets Detroit win this over its #1 Glamour team and block its #2 Glamour team Lavender Bay from winning the NFC North. The zebras will give the Cowboys some home cookin' late in the 4th quarter to allow Dallas to win. Detroit.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
NFL Week 15 Picks
4-2 vs the spread last week, 45-41-2 for the year. . .
Los Angeles +14 at Seattle: Somebody Goofed Big-Time in the Rams organization! And the selection of Jared gOOf doomed Jeff Fisher. Fisher apparently knew from the get-go gOOf sucked, as he sat him for Case Keenum, who himself is a goofball QB. But the idiot fans and Media kept clamoring for gOOf, and the front office probably kept pressuring Fisher, also. Fisher finally broke, and sat Keenum, whose borderline mediocrity could have gotten the Rams to 7-9 or 8-8 and kept Fisher employed. Fisher must have crossed his fingers when he threw gOOf out there, for he had to know what the results would be: loss after loss after loss, with the last couple being embarrassing ass-kickings. Last week #44 for Atlanta *sacked* gOOf with a pinky promise:
Never seen a QB go down so EZ, and I have to believe his teammates took note, as their level of effort seriously declined as they realized what a sissy QB they have for a *leader.* Todd Gurley was upset about this on the sideline, but he'll learn. . .in college you can get away with a fag QB, there's a lot of rah-rah school spirit and shit to keep dumb kids motivated, but at the next level, when you're one play away from having mashed potatoes for brains, players ain't gonna *leave it all on the field* for a faggot QB who'll just end up costing them the game, anyway. The next coach for the Rams better get a guarantee from management that he can move on from gOOf, and not have some impossible mandate to *fix* him, because gOOf looks to be the biggest coach-killer to hit the National Football League since Joey Harrington. As for the Seahawks, they continue to play like an NFL bottom-feeder on the road, as they got crushed in Green Bay. . .but now they're back at home, and won't even need their usual helping of home-cookin' from the zebras to beat the Rams. Seattle.
Green Bay -6.5 at Chicago: What's gotten into Aaron Rodgers (butt)? He's back to his Glory (Hole) Days the last three weeks. Still, I'm not sold on the Fudge Packers winning out and saving their season. Rodgers may be doing a little too much fudge packing himself, as he seems to have over-exerted his thighs and calves, he looks like he's about one scramble away from having to hit the bench. Record-wise, the Bears are in the same league as the Rams, Jets and 49ers, but as with Jacksonville, they actually have a solid defense, and if they could just get a difference maker at QB, they could flip their 1-5 record in games decided by 7 points or less. This will be a low-scoring cold weather game, and with the Bears getting a generous 6.5 points, it's an EZ pick: Chicago.
Detroit +4.5 at New York Giants: Poor Lions fans. . .just when it looked like Dee-troit had the North Pole division and a home playoff game locked up, Matthew Stafford gets his middle finger broken, and now the entire Mitten State is in a state of depression, envisioning Stafford throwing the ball like Derek *busted pinky* Carr did against the Chiefs, and the Lions losing their last 3 games and missing the playoffs. The Giants are almost a mirror-image of the Lions. Both teams are 9-4, with 8 wins by 7 points or less. Neither team can run the ball, and both have underwhelming statistical defenses that somehow manage to hold most teams under 20 points. The difference in this game? No broken finger for Eli Manning. New York.
Indianapolis +4 at Minnesota: This is an Elimination Bowl, as the loser can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye. Andrew Luck is the League's most over-rated QB, but he's still 10x better than the Vikings faggot Samantha Bradford. But that's the Colts only edge. Everything else favors the home team. Minnesota.
San Francisco +13.5 at Atlanta: The 49ers somehow blew a 17-3 home lead against a Jets team that had already quit on the season, and now they gotta go to Atlanta to play a team battling for a Division title. December football was supposed to be tough, but apparently the National Football League had an SEC guy do the Falcons schedule. Last week they got to tee off on Jared gOOf, this week they get the clown quarterback Colin Halfernigger! More highlight reel sacks for Atlanta's #44. Atlanta.
Tampa Bay +7 at Dallas: One loss and already there's a QB controversy on the Dallas horizon. I think that's got to mess with the rookie nigger QB's head. . .one poor game and already Romo whispers are being heard. . .if Tampa can keep the Dallas rookie nigger running back from breaking the big runs, and keep the heat on the rookie nigger QB, I think the QB breaks. UPSET SPECIAL. Tampa Bay.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
NFL Week 14 Picks
2-4 vs the spread last week, 41-39-2 for the year. . .
Oakland +3.5 at Kansas City: Man, this was THE game when I was a kid. . .the Raiders with *The Mad Bomber,* Daryle Lamonica, vs the Chiefs with the thinking man's QB, Len Dawson. Both teams had white running backs! Marv Hubbard and Ed Podolak! The Raiders were the outlaws with John Madden as their coach, while the Chiefs were technicians under the scholarly Hank Stram. . .but the Chiefs weren't sissies, like those faggy Don Shula Miami Dolphins! No, sir! They didn't take no shit from Oakland. Curley Culp and Buck Buchanan would bust you in the chops. No, those games were wars. . .real football, back when you could clothesline a guy, and rip the QB's head off! Jack Del Rio is trying as much as he can to get back to tough football, but with these modern rules, it's really just a pale imitation of the good old days. . .but let's face it, this is about as good as the National Safety & Parity League gets, anymore, so we might as well try to enjoy it, while we fondly remember that better bygone era. The Chiefs lucked out again last week and stole one from Atlanta with a fake punt and a pick six and a pick two, but they'll need more than luck to win this one. Derek Carr could have easily played for John Madden, but Alex Smith couldn't even have been a water boy for Hank Stram. Raiders all the way. Oakland.
Cincinnati -6 at Cleveland: Back to RGIII for the Browns. 4 is the over/under on how many series until he gets injured again, and Josh McClown has to trot back onto the field. Ha ha ha. This looked like the Browns last best chance for a win, until the Bengals suddenly woke up last week and pasted the Eagles, and gave themselves a small chance of still winning their division, since they have games left against the Steelers and Ravens. I figure Cincy will play this one straight, and surely that old fox Marv Lewis will use the humiliation of losing to Cleveland as a motivating factor, as he did a couple years ago when the Browns threw the midget at him. Cincinnati.
Chicago +8 at Detroit: Almost 3 full years in as head coach of the Dee-troit Lions, we have to ask what seemed most assuredly *no* when he was first hired: is Jim Caldwell actually a good football coach? The overwhelming majority of Lions fans have despised Caldwell, and had only the day he would be fired to look forward to. But now it seems likely he will take the Lions to the playoffs for the second time in three years, and when one considers the Lions record of 356-481-17 (.427) since their last championship in 1957, his 26-18-0 (.591) record must, incredibly, be considered a *Golden Era* of Dee-troit football, alongside the 46-34-0 '91-'95 Wayne Fontes - Barry Sanders *run* of 3 Wild Card Game & 1 NFC Championship Game appearances. So is Nigger Jim actually a good coach? While he remains an undeniable game day disaster, almost always making the wrong strategic decision (including the moronic 4th and inches fourth quarter punt from the Cowboy 40 in the infamous *referees pick up the flag* Detroit-Dallas playoff game), one must concede the Lions have never quit on Nigger Jim, despite awful 1-7 and 1-3 starts the last two seasons, and the Lions always seem schematically prepared for their opponents. And one must give credit to Nigger Jim for hiring Teryl Austin as his defensive coordinator, as Austin has managed to craft a serviceable defense with well below-average talent. Credit to Caldwell also for promoting the regrettably-named Jim Bob Cooter to offensive coordinator after Matthew Stafford looked like he was settling comfortably into Jay Cutler mode. . .since that change the Lions are 14-6 and Stafford has played like a Pro Bowl QB. So is Jim Caldwell actually a good coach? Have we judged him unfairly because, frankly, he looks like a dumb old-time nigger? Certainly if he were white, we wouldn't be asking this question, and there'd probably already be a statue of him out in front of Ford Field for giving Lions fans a small of handful of games to watch with more at stake than what high draft pick they'll botch. . .but Caldwell IS an old-time nigger, so, unfair as it is, he must do more to prove his worth. . .probably nothing short of a Super Bowl appearance would be convincing of his ability. That's just the way it is. As for this game, the Bears actually have a good defense, so we should have a return to the *Lions Win Late In A Squeaker* headline. Chicago.
Minnesota -3.5 at Jacksonville: Ol' Popeye Zimmer might tear out his one good eye after watching his Vikings blow this one. . .yup, the Vikes are a sinking ship, and I think even pathetic Jacksonville with the Charly-like Blake Bortles can eke out a win over the faggot Samantha *Dinker* Bradford, who never met a three yard pass that didn't make her wet. I'll be shocked if either team scores a touchdown on offense. And if ever a guy deserved a charity win from the football gods, it's the Jaguars hapless Gus Bradley, who has remained heroically cheerful through four god-awful years in the panhandle. Jacksonville.
Atlanta -6 at Los Angeles: Dan Quinn must be feeling the heat, he didn't *give credit* to the Chiefs after the Falcons' Matt Ryan tossed away the game last week with an *oh fuck!* pick two. Now suddenly tied for the Division lead with Tampa, Quinn knows no excuse in the book will cut it for a loss to the shitty Rams and their rookie QB Trish Goff. There'd be no pressure if Quinn were facing New England or Seattle, a loss could be tolerated, but it is EXPECTED that the Falcons win this game, and hence comes the pressure, the fear of having to explain away the colossal failure of being beaten by a terrible team that has already given up on 2016, and now plays out the string with Goff as practice for 2017. And the pressure of meeting expectations doesn't let up. . .because Quinn's got two even worse teams coming up the next two weeks: the 49ers and Panthers. Just imagine the magnitude of the failure if the Falcons, sitting at 7-5 and with a gift three game stretch of Rams, 49ers, Panthers, somehow stumble out of the playoffs. Unacceptable. A fireable offense. Somebody who ain't getting fired, apparently, is Jeff Fisher, whose litany of excuses is exhaustively detailed here. Atlanta.
Seattle -3 at Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers has played a little better the last couple weeks--maybe he has a new faggot to share his bed? Still this isn't vintage Green Bay. . .and it ain't vintage Seattle, either. These teams aren't the class of the NFC anymore, and while Seattle still looks like a threat, they showed in Tampa a couple weeks ago that outside of Seattle and without *home cookin'* from the zebras, they are very ordinary. . .in fact they're only 2-3-1 on the road, and with the NFC looking like it will run through Dallas, I wouldn't put any money on Seattle to make it to the Super Bowl. Green Bay.
Cincinnati -6 at Cleveland: Back to RGIII for the Browns. 4 is the over/under on how many series until he gets injured again, and Josh McClown has to trot back onto the field. Ha ha ha. This looked like the Browns last best chance for a win, until the Bengals suddenly woke up last week and pasted the Eagles, and gave themselves a small chance of still winning their division, since they have games left against the Steelers and Ravens. I figure Cincy will play this one straight, and surely that old fox Marv Lewis will use the humiliation of losing to Cleveland as a motivating factor, as he did a couple years ago when the Browns threw the midget at him. Cincinnati.
Atlanta -6 at Los Angeles: Dan Quinn must be feeling the heat, he didn't *give credit* to the Chiefs after the Falcons' Matt Ryan tossed away the game last week with an *oh fuck!* pick two. Now suddenly tied for the Division lead with Tampa, Quinn knows no excuse in the book will cut it for a loss to the shitty Rams and their rookie QB Trish Goff. There'd be no pressure if Quinn were facing New England or Seattle, a loss could be tolerated, but it is EXPECTED that the Falcons win this game, and hence comes the pressure, the fear of having to explain away the colossal failure of being beaten by a terrible team that has already given up on 2016, and now plays out the string with Goff as practice for 2017. And the pressure of meeting expectations doesn't let up. . .because Quinn's got two even worse teams coming up the next two weeks: the 49ers and Panthers. Just imagine the magnitude of the failure if the Falcons, sitting at 7-5 and with a gift three game stretch of Rams, 49ers, Panthers, somehow stumble out of the playoffs. Unacceptable. A fireable offense. Somebody who ain't getting fired, apparently, is Jeff Fisher, whose litany of excuses is exhaustively detailed here. Atlanta.
Seattle -3 at Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers has played a little better the last couple weeks--maybe he has a new faggot to share his bed? Still this isn't vintage Green Bay. . .and it ain't vintage Seattle, either. These teams aren't the class of the NFC anymore, and while Seattle still looks like a threat, they showed in Tampa a couple weeks ago that outside of Seattle and without *home cookin'* from the zebras, they are very ordinary. . .in fact they're only 2-3-1 on the road, and with the NFC looking like it will run through Dallas, I wouldn't put any money on Seattle to make it to the Super Bowl. Green Bay.
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