Week Two

Last week featured a ton of *exhibition games* in which Power 5 schools bribed small-timers to take a football raping, but none stunk worse than Maryland's 79-0 *win* over negro lightweight Howard.  What made this fake game particularly odious was how Maryland players bragged afterward on social media they *honored* Jordan McNair, their former teammate who died from a heat stroke which the coaching/medical staff bungled after a practice last year.  Typical was this tweet from offensive lineman Ellis McKennie:

Dude, you didn't score 79 points.  You'd have to play a real team to say you scored 79 points.  Your athletic department bought you 79 points.  Try scoring 79 this week against Syracuse, then come back and brag.  Only a retard would think beating a punching bag like Howard would somehow bestow honor on a dead teammate.  And yes, a player who died because of football malpractice most likely would want to be *apart* of Maryland's in poor taste football joke. 
   
Other Week One Lowlights:

Cincinnati 24, UCLA 14: Hahahaha!  Bruin QB Dorian Thompson-Robinson, who uses the *hood* appellation DTR, had one of the All-Time Worst games ever quarterbacked by a so-called *5 Star Blue Chip* top 40 recruit. . .8 for 26, with 2 INTS, 10 carries for minus 20 yards and 2 fumbles. . .DTR played like a walk-on forced into action due to 3 scholarship QBs being suspended for raping a white girl.  After the game the human turnover chain seemed like he might not be playing with a full deck, as he struggled to explain why he couldn't hold a football:

Gotta look at the flim to see why he couldn't hold a football?  Yeah. OK.  Reminds me of this guy:

As for *genius* Chimp Kelly, don't you think the folks in Gainesville are thanking their lucky stars Chimp spurned them for LA, and they had to *settle* for Dan Mullen?  I don't think Chimp ever wanted to coach in the SEC pressure cooker.  He's 3-10 at UCLA, but nobody really gives a shit about college football out there.  If Chimp had went to Florida and started 3-10, his life would be a living hell.  UCLA paid a TON for this fat boy, and with a buyout as big as his waistline it looks like they are stuck with him for at least two more seasons. . .by which time Urban Meyer will probably be coaching USC.  I guess it sucks to be one of the two or three Bruin football fans. . .

The Other *5 Star Blue Chip* QB Flop: I thought all the talk about how Hunter Johnson was struggling to beat-out journeyman walk-on TJ *Trent's Son* Green was just Northwestern sandbagging. . .but, no. Johnson was nearly as shitty as DTR in the Wildcats disappointing 17-7 loss to Stanford.  Johnson was 6 for 17 with 2 INTS and a 4.2 QBR. . .ouch!  Johnson was so bad, he was yanked for Green, who was a little better, and managed to get NW into the end zone. . .and then Green, just like his frail father, got hurt and NW had to go back to Johnson, who gave up a last play fumble TD to ruin every bettor who took the Wildcats against the spread.  If this is the real Hunter Johnson, Pat Fitzgerald could be staring at a first-to-worst slide this year. 

Georgia State 38, Tennessee 30: Tennessee fired Butch Jones after the 2017 season, and then tried to hire about 8 different guys before having to make due with Plan 9 From Outer Space candidate Jeremy Pruitt.  Haha!  I hope all those students who protested against the hiring of Greg Schiano were at the Volunteers home opener Saturday, where they got rolled by one of the ten worst FBS teams.  Tennessee was a meager 5-7 in 2018, but Pruitt promised big improvement for this year, and a lot of Orange heads bought the hype.  Oops!  All that's left now for Volunteer fans is to go back to what they do best: delusional day-dreaming of Big Name coach/early retiree turned TV analyst to the rescue.  For years Jon Gruden was their dream coach, now that he's off the board, I'm sure it's Urban Meyer Rocky Top fantasies they're beating off to!  

North Carolina 24, South Carolina 20: And it ain't gonna work out for Will Muschump in South Carolina, either.  Starting his 4th year with a 4 yr starting QB, Muschump just got beat by North Carolina (2 wins in 2018) in 100-year-old Mack Brown's first game in his second coming at NC, with a true freshman QB, no less.  I doubt there will be a third SEC team dumb enough to hire Muschump. 

Nevada 34, Purdue 31: The Boilermakers paid $30 million to keep Jeff Brohm from leaving for Louisville, and what did all those millions buy them?  A shitty season opener of a blown 17 point lead to a Group of 5 team.  Let this be a lesson to ADs everywhere: never pay $30 million for a coach who has a huge stain on his face.

 

Boise State 36, Florida State 31: Speaking of blowing big leads against Group of 5 teams, Willie Taggart did Jeff Brohm one better, choking away an 18 point advantage over Boise State AT HOME.  That's not a good look for Taggart in game one after a 5-7 season at a perennial football powerhouse.  And it's especially not a good look since Taggart is failing at a place where his colored skin will buy him one less year rebuilding time.  I absolutely guarantee FSU's next head coach will be white.

Other Willie Taggarts To Lose Embarrassing Season Openers: Kevin Sumlin, Arizona.  Charlie Strong, USF. 


Week One Highlights:

USC 31, Fresno State 23: Unlike Willie Taggart, Clay *Hot Seat* Helton didn't shit the bed against a Group of 5er.  His new Texas Tech 5 win/7 loss flash offense looked like a good fit for QB JT Daniels, as the Trojans scored easily, early, and often.  Alas, for Helton and USC, Daniels wrecked his knee just before half time and is now out for the year, which probably means Helton will be out permanently after the season.

Auburn 27, Oregon 21: Auburn turned in the guttiest and most impressive performance of Week One, rallying to beat Oregon behind true freshman QB Bo Nix.  Nix looked shaky most of the game, but in 4th Quarter money time, Nix made just enough big plays to lead his time back.  As for Oregon, it was no surprise to see Justin *All The Tools, But. . .* Herbert do Justinough to lose.  For three quarters Herbert seemed the better QB, but in the 4th quarter he disappeared, while Nix took command.  NFL GMs ought to remember Herbert's vanishing act when the 2020 draft rolls around.


Week Two Picks (3-2 against spread for the year):

Cincinnati +17 @ Ohio State: You know Luke Fickell, the Eternal Buckeye who had the misfortune to be the placeholder coach between Jim Tressel and Urban Meyer, would love to somehow come back to Columbus and take a big shit all over pretty boy coach Ryan Day.  I wouldn't pick the Bearcats to win outright, but Fickell will have Cincinnati primed to cover the 17 in his own personal Super Bowl. 

Vanderbilt +8 @ Purdue: The Second Tier Conference Pride Bowl between the SEC and B1G.  Could be a preview of the 2019 Terro Fly Paper Bowl.  Vanderbilt.

Texas A&M +19 @ Clemson: Trevor Lawrence will have to play much better than he did in Week One for Clemson to cover the 19.  Hell, he could have a QBR of a 100, and they still might not cover.  Texas A&M.

BYU +4 @ Tennessee: After last week's humiliating loss, the pressure is on Jeremy Pruitt to get the Vols a win.  But he ain't up to it, he has the stink of a loser all over him.  Last week's game was lost before it even started.  It was lost all off season, all spring and fall practice. The kind of foundational problems that lead to getting rolled by lightweight Georgia State can't be fixed in a week.  BYU.

Tulane +19 @ Auburn: Tulane is not a half-bad Group of 5er, and Auburn is looking at a let-down after the big emotional comeback over Oregon.  Plus Gus Malzahn's team has never been known for its consistency, anyway.  Tulane.  

LSU -5 @ Texas: The Tom Herman Suitors Bowl.  Ed Orgeron probably wants to beat Tom Herman almost as much as Luke Fickell would love to take a shit on Ryan Day. Orgeron wants to prove he should have been LSU's first choice, not their consolation prize.  And I'm not convinced Herman is really a better coach, though not for any football x's and o's reasons, but because of the sleaze you can hear starting at the 30:45 mark here:

Just for that, I gotta pick LSU.