3-4 last week vs the spread, 14-15 for the season. This week we gather here not to praise Tom Brady, but to bury him. Not surprised by what the Chiefs did Monday night, that was one of the few picks I got right. The handwriting was on the wall for the Patriots and Tom Brady starting the week before, when they wheezed to a death rattle win over the abysmal Oakland Raiders. Brady is too far down the road to carry a team, anymore. He can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit, he has the worst collection of receivers in the NFL. . .and his running backs are average, at best. He has no confidence his bargain bin pass catchers can get open deep, and from his body language it is evident he doesn't want to hang in the pocket and take hits, so he looks to dump the ball as quick as possible. Opposing defenses are squeezing down, the walls are closing in on Brady. . .he's being buried alive. In the post game press conference, Bill Belichick scoffed at the notion of evaluating the quarterback position, but unless Brady summons the will necessary for one last stand, we will see a changing of the guard in a matter of weeks. Time and tide wait for no man. . . Atlanta +4 at New York Giants: Battle of the Yo-Yo teams. The Giants looked worse than the Raiders the first two weeks of the season, with Eli Manning making Tom Brady look spry. But somehow the Giants have steamrolled the Texans and Redskins the last two weeks. Are they really any good? Never underestimate Tom Coughlin, I guess. The Falcons have played like Mike Tyson in his prime at home, and Cicely Tyson on the road. What's the problem? Apparently there are rumors going around there may be some *Michael Sam* issues with the Falcons. At home, under the eyes of family and friends, the Falcons play it straight, but when they go on the road, well, it's said some of the Falcons head straight for *Queer Street.* After indulging in homosexual orgies the night before the game, many Falcons have nothing left to leave on the field. Here's how head coach Mike Smith responded after last week's debacle in Minnesota when asked what he thought about the rumors of his players road trip gay sexcapades:
When asked to elaborate, Smith would only add:
Anyway, who do you pick in a game between two such nutty teams? The Falcons seem incapable of stopping the run, and the Giants have found their run game the last two weeks. In a shaky pick, I'll take: New York Giants. St. Louis +7 at Philadelphia: It's amazing how fast things can change in the NFL. The Eagles o-line lost three guys, and their offense came to a complete standstill last week against the 49ers. They get one guy back this week, but St. Louis' defensive line is pretty solid. The Rams have gotten unexpectedly good play from their third string QB. A couple weeks ago, the Eagles would have been a no-brainer pick for an Eliminator league, but now I'm not so sure. I still like the Eagles to win, but I'll take 7 points with the Rams. St. Louis. Houston +5.5 at Dallas: Now everyone's on the Cowboys bandwagon because they slaughtered a shitty Saints team. Hey, the Cowboys aren't terrible. Any team with DeMarco Murray and that group of receivers is going to be dangerous. But let's be real, they've beaten three pretty mediocre teams. I guess this is the battle of the fake 3-1 teams, because I don't think Houston is all that tough, either. Their supposedly awesome defense is 26th against the rush. . .and their quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Cowboys are less fake than the Texans. Dallas. Buffalo +7 at Detroit: The Bills finally dumped EJ Manuel. They got a lot of laughs for turning to retread Kyle Orton, but at least Orton will be able to get the ball downfield to Sammy Watkins, who's been wasted the first quarter of the season. Former Lions head coach Psycho Jim Schwartz returns to Ford Field as the Bills defensive coordinator. The Bills defense has been pretty solid, tenth overall and third against the rush. If Orton could even be an average QB, the Bills could win the weak AFC East. The Lions are 3-1 and have largely avoided the dumb penalties and turnovers that doomed them in the Schwartz years. Calvin Johnson, now 29, is once again battling nagging injuries, he was used only as a decoy last week. And Matt Stafford took a beating against the Jets. The good times never last long for the Lions. Detroit fans should be smelling disaster. Stafford has started 52 straight games after beginning his career mostly on injured reserve. Schwartz will disregard the Lions feeble run game and crash the house on Stafford. I have visions of both Johnson and Stafford being helped off the field. . .Buffalo. Baltimore +3.5 at Indianapolis: The Ravens are on a nice three game roll since the Ray Rice stink has gone away. Head coach John Harbaugh, trying to avoid another distraction, has stated he don't want no part of the soon-to-be-open Michigan job. Without Rice, the Ravens have revived their run game with a collection of no-name running backs, and Joe Flacco's also returning to form. Andrew Luck is putting up Peyton Manning-type numbers, but the Colts are just 2-2, with their wins over bottom feeders Jacksonville and Tennessee. Baltimore. Arizona +7 at Denver:Peyton Manning is not going to like Arizona's defense. He will not be comfortable. He will whine to the officials. He will make those dumb faces. He will throw INTs in this game. It looks like the Cardinals are stuck with Drew Stanton for one more game. It doesn't matter. Arizona. Cincinnati -1 at New England: Great Sunday night theater. After reading Mr. Gisele Bundchen's obituaries for a week, a nation will be watching Tom Brady, out of morbid curiosity. Can he come back from the dead? Will he be benched? Or carted off the field? The game itself holds little suspense. The Bengals are better. That they are giving only a point is a testament to the Patriots past glory, and not their present reality. Cincinnati.
4-1 vs the spread last week, 15-8 for the year. Not much of interest happened on the football field. Florida State looked vulnerable again, their defense doesn't look ready to handle a Playoff team. South Carolina eliminated itself from the SEC and Playoff pictures with a pathetic late game collapse against Missouri, so the SEC East looks like a two team race between Missouri and Georgia. On paper, Georgia is by far the better team, with Superman running back Todd Gurley, but Missouri, with the vastly underrated Gary Pinkel, has the coaching edge. Gurley saved Georgia from an embarrassing loss to Tennessee, but the Bulldog's Clean Shirt defense still shows no sign of improvement. Brett Hundley returned and UCLA put 62 points on the board in a win over a decent Arizona State team, but the Bruin defense gave up over 600 yards--they still look too shaky to challenge Oregon in the Pac-12. Dopey-looking Brady Hoke dug an even deeper hole for himself, not only by losing badly to a clodhopper Minnesota team, but then denying knowledge his quarterback Shane Morris was injured. Morris was on queer street after taking a 4th quarter cheap shot, and his spaghetti legs were obvious to fans in row 99, but Hoke claimed while standing on the sidelines just a few yards away, he didn't see Morris wobbling like Duk Koo Kim against Ray Mancini:
Hoke is out anyway, but Morris-gate makes him look not only like a bad coach, but an irresponsible one, as well. Six weeks into the season, we finally get a nice slate of games, with two big SEC battles down in Mississippi. . . Arizona +22.5 at Oregon:Rich Rodriguez invented the offense Oregon runs, and in last year's game he showed the Ducks he's still the master, pulling off a huge 42-16 upset. But the same problem that dogged Rodriguez in Michigan, a lousy defense, has followed him to Arizona, which is why his high-powered offense is still getting 22.5 points. This should be a wild, back-and-forth, high scoring game, like most of Rodriguez' games at Michigan and Arizona, including last week's amazing comeback against Cal. Arizona was trailing 31-13 in the 4th quarter, gave up two more touchdowns, but still ending up winning on a last play Hail Mary, 49-45. Good for RichRod, who got a shitty deal at Michigan, and must now privately be enjoying the Brady Hoke train wreck. It's tempting to take Arizona and the points, but their defense is so bad, I could see Arizona scoring 40 points and still not covering, losing 63-40. Oregon. Texas A&M -1 at Mississippi State:A&M had trouble stopping Arkansas' run game last week, barely squeaking by in overtime, now they face another tough run team that has a far better passing attack than the Razorbacks. This is probably the biggest game in Starkville since the weird Jackie Sherrill era. The Bulldogs have had two weeks to prepare for this game--no excuses for this veteran team going against Wonder Coach Kevin Sumlin's rookie squad. If Mississippi State wants to make a mark in the SEC, now's the time. Mississippi State. Alabama -6.5 at Mississippi: Hard to believe, but Mississippi has the better defense. Lane Kiffen's new-look Alabama offense is pass happy, and I have to wonder if that's in Alabama's best interests, long term. Tough game to call, Mississippi's roster is dotted with NFL talent, but their quarterback gives up the ball too much. Alabama. Oklahoma -4.5 at Texas Christian:Gary Patterson had a gaudy 47-5 record in the four years prior to TCU joining the Big 12, but while trying to be the Little Engine That Could, his team is only 6-12 in league games in their first two years in a Big Boy conference. Last year they lost a ton of close games, including a 20-17 defeat in Norman. Are they ready to start winning some of these games? Hard to tell, they really haven't played anybody yet this season. Oklahoma was a little underwhelming last week, giving up over 500 yards in a 45-33 win over West Virginia. Texas Christian. Baylor -15.5 at Texas:Charlie Strong keeps suspending players, and it *paid off* last week in a *big* 23-0 win over Kansas. Oh. That's right. Kansas sucks. Ha. Losing to Charlie Strong was the last straw for the KU AD, who fired fat ass Charlie Weiss after that shitty game. Maybe Kansas will finally hire a coach who doesn't weigh at least 400 pounds. I'll be shocked if Charlie *the right way* Strong can keep this game close. Baylor. Stanford at Notre Dame EVEN:Stanford has the best defense in college football. . .but their offense sucks. Notre Dame can win this game if they can find a way to scrape together 17 points. Most of the non-Catholic nation will be pulling for Stanford, otherwise we'll start hearing talk about Notre Dame making a Playoff run. Notre Dame. Wisconsin -9.5 at Northwestern: After looking horrible the first two weeks of the season, Pat Fitzgerald's Wildcats have turned it around, especially last week's surprising ass-kicking of Penn State and the Nittany Lions over-rated QB, Christian Hackenberg. But now Northwestern has try to stop Wisconsin's run game. Back to looking horrible for NU. Wisconsin. LSU +8 at Auburn:LSU has been helpless against Wisconsin's and Mississippi State's run game, and now they have to face Auburn. After this loss, the Les Miles-has-seen-his-best-days whispers will grow louder in Baton Rouge. . .and this time around in the Michigan coaching carousel, they will be wishing he would go back to Ann Arbor. Auburn. Nebraska +8 at Michigan State: Ha! Can you believe it? A Big Game in the Big Ten! The winner of this game will start begging to be taken seriously for the Playoffs. Florida State and the Big 12 winner will probably be undefeated, and one Playoff is reserved in perpetuity for the SEC. That leaves the last spot for Notre Dame or the Pac-12 or Big 10 winner. If Oregon manages to go undefeated, the Big 10 has no chance. It would be best for the sorry Big 10 if Nebraska won this game, they'd have a shot at an undefeated season, and could nab a Playoff spot if Oregon loses a game. But can the Cornhuskers actually cornhole the Spartans? They gave away last year's game to MSU with 5 turnovers, and now have to play in East Lansing. Nebraska has their run game in high gear, as a team they are averaging 6.9 yards per carry. But Bo Pelini has never won a big game or conference championship at Nebraska. It's now or never for Pelini. Nebraska.
3-4 vs the spread last week, 11-11 for the season. The 49ers blew another one. Jim Harbaugh looked red-assed in the post game press conference. Colin Halferni**er looked like a silly-ass reject from the Flavor Flav generation. I have a feeling things are going to get worse before they get better in 49er Nation. The Packers and Patriots don't look right. The AFC South is worse than the SEC West. Nick Foles has more yards than Drew Brees and Peyton Manning, and he's a gotten a lot of ink for his *toughess* after taking a cheap shot from the Redskins. . .but, uh, he was writhing around on the ground like Nancy Kerrigan. I'm still not a Foles believer. Green Bay +1.5 at Chicago:Green Bay's offense has been sluggish so far. Aaron Rodgers has been held under 200 yards in two of the three games, and Eddie Lacy's been running like Laci Peterson. Mike McCarthy's been one of the better coaches in the League, but after last week's crapper in Detroit, Rodgers made a few disparaging comments about the team's *adjustments.* This is McCarthy's ninth year in Green Bay, maybe he's gone as far as he can with Rodgers. Or maybe Rodgers has Justin Verlander Syndrome, his mind is on celebrity pussy, and not his craft. Look at Rodgers' goofy grin with *girlfriend* Olivia Munn:
I don't know. I don't know how you win a game in the National Football League with a goofy-looking bastard like that leading your team. It seems to me the Packers were better off when everybody thought Rodgers was gay. Rodgers' head isn't in the game right now. Hell, maybe I'm just old school, but I don't know how you win a game that way. Coach, coach, what do you say? Can you win that way?
Yup. Yup. That's what I thought. Thanks, coach. Chicago. Buffalo +3 at Houston: Both teams fell flat on their faces last week after getting off to 2-0 starts. You get the feeling the loser of this game may be headed on a slide toward oblivion. The Texans really went into the shitter, getting steamrolled by the Giants Rashad Jennings, who abused Houston's celebrated d-line with 34 rushes for 176 yards. And quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick looked like Matt Schaub, getting picked off three times. Ugly. The Bills got beat by a good team, the Chargers, no shame there, and they don't want to lose to their former mediocre quarterback. Buffalo has the running backs to follow the Giants script. Buffalo. Detroit -1.5 at New York Jets: The top two teams in total defense square off here. The Jets smothered the Bears offense last week, but QB Geno Smith tossed the game away with a couple dumb picks. For the Lions to be taken seriously, they need to win a few road games, and this one seems fairly manageable, not that the Jets are pushovers, they're not, not with that defense. But the Lions are better all the way across the board on offense, and their front seven on defense is on a par with the Jets. But will it be the Same Old Lions, somehow finding a way to make Geno Smith look like an 80.0 Total QBR quarterback? Rex Ryan is one of the best coaches in the League, and if he'd had a decent QB, he'd already be sporting a Super Bowl ring. He'll find some way to patch together Geno Smith, and his defense will rattle Matt Stafford, and force a couple fumbles from the Lions butterfingered running backs. New York Jets. Atlanta -2.5 at Minnesota:Atlanta crushed the Bucs last week, and now get a rookie QB named Teddy?!?! And they're only giving up 2.5? You got to be kidding! 2.5? Bet your your life on this one. #28 could have run through the Falcons and made this an interesting game, but now the Vikings got some stumblebum name Asiata toting the ball. All the Falcons have to worry about is Cordarrelle Patterson. How bad are the Vikings without #28? They've scored 16 points in two games, and Patterson is their leading rusher, with 95 yards on four reverses. Asiata has a grand total of 81 yards on 27 carries. And now a rookie QB named Teddy!?!? The schedule maker is smiling down on the Falcons. Atlanta. Philadelphia +5.5 at San Francisco: The Eagles getting 5.5!?!? Bet the house on this one. Philly has been unstoppable in the second half, while the 49ers have been not only stoppable, but unstartable, as well. The smell of decay is all around the 49ers. Plain and simple, the Eagles are the better team. Philadelphia. New Orleans -3 at Dallas:Dallas is loading up DeMarco Murray and the power run game. They'll push the Saints up and down the field, and Tony Romo will hit a couple deep balls to Dez Bryant. Better look under the hood of Drew Brees and the New Orleans offense, something's rattling around in there, they ain't humming on all cylinders the way they used to. Dallas. New England -4 at Kansas City: Did I really pick the Patriots and Packers for the Super Bowl? Ouch. New England's offense is horrible. Tom Brady can't get the ball downfield. That three yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust offense looks like it was sent from a time machine by Woody Hayes. The Chiefs have played better the last two weeks, and may not be quite as bad as everyone thought they were going to be. Knile Davis is a decent fill in for Jamaal Charles, and Alex Smith is still a steady hand at QB. And the Chiefs defense can still put the heat on opposing QBs. Tom Brady's gonna be begging the refs for help in this one. UPSET SPECIAL. Kansas City.
A brilliant 5-0 vs the spread last week, 11-7 for the year. Michigan's homely 26-10 home loss to Utah was Brady Hoke's last game as head coach of the Wolverines. Hoke is now just the pile of horse droppings waiting to be cleaned up after this season's remaining parade of losses. How bad was the Utah game? Even those old *Michigan Men* boosters who loved all the Bo Schembechler nostalgia Hoke spoon fed them, and who sabotaged Rich Rodriguez' three years in Ann Arbor, aren't bothering to blame RichRod anymore. Michigan's new offensive coordinator, supposedly hired away from Alabama, is doing a worse job than Al Borges, Brady Hoke's friend, who Hoke scapegoated after last year. Michigan's offense is so pathetic, it makes the defense look bad, even though the defense is impossible to run against. Michigan's opponents just have to capitalize on the Wolverine's multiple turnovers and special teams goofs, and presto!, EZ points pile up on the scoreboard. So now it's who's the next coach time in Ann Arbor. Of course, Jim Harbaugh's name will pop up. . .would he leave the NFL? In my opinion, Harbaugh would be better off in the college game. The man has zero loyalty to his players. If he sees the next guy up is even a cunt hair better than the current starter, it's out the door (Alex Smith, Frank Gore, etc.). That kind of cut-throat will-to-win probably has a three or four year shelf life in the NFL, where the rosters stay relatively intact, and teammate loyalty is the glue that holds the locker room together. In Harbaugh's fourth year, the 49ers have been soft in the second half, Harbaugh's intensity is not carrying over to his players. Fading to Chicago and Arizona, it looks like the 49ers are tuning out Harbaugh. In college football, the best players have a three year run, and so the roster is constantly turning over, which suits Harbaugh's mania for the next new-and-improved player. Or maybe Harbaugh will just move to another NFL team, following the Bill Parcells pattern. Mississippi State's win over LSU seems to indicate LSU is no longer on the same level as Alabama, Auburn, Texas A&M, Georgia. They may even no longer be as good as the Mississippi schools. Result: we won't have to hear the old Schembechler guard howling for Les Miles to return to Ann Arbor. His day has come and gone. My prediction for next Michigan head coach:John Harbaugh. I think the Ray Ricestink might be enough to move John back to Ann Arbor. He's already won a Super Bowl, the only thing left for him to accomplish in the NFL is getting fired. UCLA -5.5 at Arizona State: The Bruins just slipped by three mediocre teams, now they play a tough conference foe on the road. The Bruins have NO CHANCE to win if they have to play faggy back-up QB Jerry Neuheisel. Arizona State's defense is shitty (they gave up over 500 yards to Colorado!?!?), but they can score a lot of points. UCLA needs Brett Hundley to play the whole game at QB if they are going to win. As I post this, still no word on his status for Thursday's game. With Hundley, the pick is UCLA. With faggy Neuheisel, the pick is Arizona State. Florida State -21.5 at North Carolina State: The Hymen Trophy winner is reinstated after serving a whole one game suspension. That's some discipline. I'm sure the shit-colored jackass Jameis Winston is a new man. Ha ha ha. Not. Florida State hasn't been nearly as dominating as they were last year. There's some rot. Is it due to Winston fatigue, or are the *Semen*oles just fat and happy after last year's title? I have no clue whether North Carolina State is any good or not, but getting 3 touchdowns at home against a distracted FSU is worth the risk. North Carolina State. Arkansas +8.5 at Texas A&M:Bret Bielema is starting to get his Wisconsin/Big 10 power run game established with the Razorbacks. This will be a good test to see if his 60-run-plays per game offense is up to SEC title standards. Bielema's control the clock run game should be the perfect attack to slow down Texas A&M's point a minute offense. Kevin Sumlin's A&M has never had a very good defense, but I get the feeling Arkansas isn't quite ready for the SEC big boys yet. Texas A&M. Stanford -6.5 at Washington:Chris Peterson's Huskies, after two horrible wins against horseshit teams to start the season, have gotten better the last two weeks. But are they ready for Stanford? Even a declining Stanford? Well, it's Stanford's offense that is in decline. Their defense has only given up 13 points and 614 yards in three games. That's pretty impressive in this day and age of EA Sports football. Stanford. Cincinnati +14 at Ohio State: Former High School glamor boy QB Gunner Kiel, now at his tenth college, should be able to put a few points on the board against the Buckeye's leaky secondary, but Cincinnati's defense won't be able to stop OSU's run game. The Buckeyes could give up 28 and still cover fairly easily. Ohio State.
6-3 vs the spread last week, 8-7 for the year. The big news of the week is Hall of Fame caliber running back Adrian Peterson is out, after the Vikings tried to sneak him back in early in the week. C'mon, what were the Vikings thinking? Football is the Great American Amusement. It's bigger than Hollywood. One hundred million viewers per weekend, eating, drinking. Football communion. And the Vikings thought no one would notice #28 back on the field? The Temple of Football is so big, the governor of Minnesota had to step in to save the pigskin church from defilement. Adrian Peterson is a six foot one, two hundred twenty pound man in top physical condition, who runs with rage, with violence. His family says his daddy beat him, maybe that's why he is such a punishing runner, he sees his old man behind the face mask of every linebacker and db. Whatever. The average four year old boy stands three feet four, and weighs forty pounds. Now you got #28 in some kind of oedipal rage, towering over a four year old boy. He must seem a giant to the kid, his *son,* one of his bastard litter. With his huge black paw, he pries open his *son's* mouth, stuffs it with leaves, then takes a tree branch and beats the kid with such force, the wounds on his arms, legs and genitals are still oozing blood six days later when his *mother* takes him to a doctor. Peterson calls his psychotic rage *loving discipline,* and now tries to hide from judgment with his half-assed Bible study. Just another piece of garbage using Jesus as a human shield. Tampa Bay +6.5 at Atlanta:Lovie Smith's Bucs are off to a terrible 0-2 start, terrible because the second loss was a real #2, at home to a beat-up St. Louis Rams team playing a third string QB. The Josh McCown signing looks foolish. Now that he's out of Marc Trestman's EZ QB system, McCown looks like what he always was, a clipboard jockey. Poor Lovie, he must be wishing for the good old Rex Grossman days in Chicago! Atlanta. San Diego +2.5 at Buffalo: San Diego completely controlled Seattle in Week 2. Hard to believe, but Phillip Rivers will face more pressure this week from the Bills than he did last week against the World Champion Seahawks. C.J. Spiller, Fred Jackson and Sammy Watkins will be able to put points on the board against the Charger defense. Buffalo. Minnesota +10 at New Orleans: The Vikings getting 10 points? Sure, they lost #28, but the Saints are winless, and their defense has evaporated. And their offense hasn't been that hot, either. Drew Brees has been a dump-off robot the first two games. Any team getting 10 points against a shitty defense is worth the risk. Minnesota. Green Bay +2.5 at Detroit: The Packer defense is still crap, they needed a(nother) Marty Mornhinweg coaching blunder to escape the Jets last week. The offense got going though, as Jordy Nelson ran free through Rex Ryan's dbs, and now he and Aaron Rodgers go up against Detroit's PUP secondary. It was the Same Old Lions last week, giving away points left and right in a dreary 24-7 loss to Carolina. If the Lions don't want to start back down the old familiar road to a 5-11 or 6-10 season, they have to win at home against Green Bay. In a game featuring two leaky defenses, I'll take the team with the best QB. Green Bay. San Francisco -2.5 at Arizona: The Cardinals defense is so good, they were able to win a road game with Drew Stanton at QB. True, it was against the Giants, but still. . . The 49ers collapsed against a soft Bears team at home last week. The Jim Harbaugh kool-aid seems watered down this year. His team lacks focus, making mental and physical errors you never saw in past years, either with the 49ers or at Stanford. Stanton couldn't even hit 50% of his passes against the terrible Giant defense, and now he has to lead the Cardinals against the Niners? Am I really picking Drew Stanton over the 49ers? No, I'm picking the Arizona defense over the 49ers. Arizona. Denver +4.5 at Seattle:Seattle's defense couldn't get off the field last week versus the Chargers, with a couple of their players whining about the 94 degree weather. That's not the bad-ass Seattle we know. Beating up on Peyton Manning one more time should restore the Seahawk roar. Seattle. Chicago +2.5 at New York Jets: The faggot Marc Trestman's Bears showed some rare toughness in beating the 49ers in San Francisco last week. They overcame injuries and big early deficit. Jay Cutler only threw for 176 yards, but he kept his head in the game all the way through, with 4 td passes and zero INTS. If the Bears keep this up, I'll have to quit calling Trestman a faggot. Jets QB Geno Smith was terrible in the second half against Green Bay, as New York blew a huge lead, and then Geno's only good pass was erased as Marty Mornhinweg cost his team the game tying td with a panicky time-out call. The Bears have the better team, but I don't believe Jay Cutler can go two weeks in a row without any turnovers. New York Jets.
0-2 vs the spread last week, 6-7 for the year. Todd Gurley tried to carry Georgia on his back to a victory at South Carolina, but his teammates fell off. And then, for some reason, after Damian Swann gave Georgia a perfect opportunity to win, returning an interception to the South Carolina 4 yard line, head coach Mark Richt put the game in the hands of 10 year back up QB Hutson Mason, instead of the best runner to come along since Adrian Peterson. Mason fucked up royally, taking an intentional grounding penalty, and a huge loss. Two plays later, Richt and his offensive coordinator were rewarded for their dumb call when Georgia's kicker choked on an easy field goal that would have tied the game. 1st and goal from the four, down three points late in the fourth quarter. Give it to Gurley for the go-ahead touchdown. It's a no-brainer. . .except on the Georgia sideline. Oh, well. But this Gurley kid runs harder than any back I've seen since Earl Campbell. The fucker don't quit. That nine yard run he had in the middle of the fourth quarter might have been the greatest nine yard run of all-time, he broke four tackles in five yards, just refused to go down. No quit in that kid, no quit. If only Georgia's Clean Shirt defense had that kid's heart. UCLA beat Texas, but failed to cover. Can't complain too much, as UCLA had to play most of the game without star QB Brett Hundley. Which brings us to: Black Is The New Brown Coach Of The Week:Texas coach Charlie Strong somehow managed to lose a home game to a UCLA team quarterbacked by shitty second-stringer Jerry Neuheisel, who looks and plays just as faggy as his dad, Rick. Strong fucked up just about every way a coach can fuck up, from the botched opening coin toss to the terrible clock management at the end of the game. Leading 17-13 and taking possession of the ball with 4:17 left, Strong had his team run a no-huddle offense! On their second play, they snapped the ball with 20 seconds left on the play clock! Then they threw the ball on third down! They took all of one minute and 11 seconds off the clock! And UCLA didn't have to burn any timeouts! Strong was rewarded for his inept strategy by having the Bruins run the punt back deep into Texas territory, setting up geek QB Jerry Neuheisel for an improbable game winning TD pass. After the game Strong tried to hide his failure by claiming a *moral victory,* saying "it's positive the way we played." Huh?! This is Texas, one of the storied programs of college football. Maybe at Iowa State or Kansas you can claim a loss to Jerry Neuheisel is positive, but not at Texas. . .not at Texas, where you got a lot of cracker fans who weren't too happy UT hired a colored coach to begin with. Auburn -9 at Kansas State: Two of the best coaches match up in this one. Auburn's Gus Malzahn was coaching high school football less than 10 years ago, now he's got his hurry up no huddle offense at the top of the SEC. Bill Snyder is probably the best coach never to win anything BIG. But what he's won, a fair share of Big 12 games and bowl games at Kansas State, with 2 and 3 star recruits and JC transfers, is mighty impressive. He routinely beats Big Boy schools loaded with far better players. No gimmicks, just tough disciplined football. Kansas State will probably give Auburn a better game than most of their SEC rivals. Kansas State. Utah +6 at Michigan:Utah's actually not half bad, and they've won at Michigan before (albeit against Rich Rodriguez). Michigan stumbled to a 34-10 win over one of the worst teams in the FBS, Miami of Ohio, last week. No apparent improvement from Devin Gardner, who is still prone to dumb INTs. The defense still looks solid, while Derrick Green has shown he can run through FBS bottom feeders. I wouldn't be shocked if Michigan lost this game. Utah can put pressure on Michigan's secondary, the weak link in the defense. If Michigan takes a home loss here, cue the sad walking away music for Brady Hoke. Utah. Mississippi State +10 at LSU: What a match-up, two of college football's best uniformed teams go at it in Baton Rouge. Love the Mississippi State logo, the helmet with the ribbon stripe, and the way "State" is spelled out on a little banner thingy on the front of their maroon jerseys. Great uniform. And LSU, with those purple and gold Renaissance Fair costumes with the shoulder stripes, so goofy they're actually cool. As for the game, both teams come in at 3-0, but the folks in Starkville are still waiting for Dan Mullen, now in his 6th year, to win a big game. The Bulldogs have a veteran team with capable players on both sides of the ball. They ought to be able to give LSU a decent game. I'm still not sold LSU has a competent QB, and they were getting run over by Wisconsin in the opener, but then the Badger coach tossed the game away with retarded game strategy. I'm not predicting an outright win for Mississippi State, because Mullen hasn't shown he's up to beating a Big Boy team, but I'll hedge my bet and take the ten points. Mississippi State. Oklahoma -7.5 at West Virginia: I'm surprised the Sooners are only giving 7.5. It's true the Mountaineers gave Alabama a decent game in Week 1, and QB Clint Trickett is coming off a 500+ yard passing game against Maryland, but West Virginia's run defense sucks, and Oklahoma's secondary is a lot better than Maryland's. Oklahoma will pound the ball on the ground, and come up with a couple INTs. . .no way they don't get a double digit win. Oklahoma. Clemson +20 at Florida State:Florida State hasn't been as dominant as they were last year, when they crushed loaded Clemson 51-14. The Seminoles barely got by Okie State in their first game, and struggled against Citadel's triple option in game two. Clemson got run over by Georgia in their opener, then beat up on a girls school in their second game. Clemson has a great redneck football coach in Dabo Swinney, and he might be able to keep this game relatively close if he turns freshman QB Deshaun Watson loose. Florida State QB and Hymen Trophy winner Jameis Winston has probably been distracted by all the scandals in the NFL, wondering if his penchant for molesting white girls will impact his future earnings. Then again, maybe he just don't give a shit. Clemson.
Ha ha ha! Too funny! And the funniest part is, it's obvious Newton rehearsed his little Donkey Kong skit, but when he had to deliver it live, he flubbed it, saying his main concern was to find ways to be protected BY Donkey Kong Suh and Nick Fairley. Ha ha ha. . .but somehow, after probably hearing himself being called Donkey Kong a thousand times between now and kickoff Sunday, I don't think Donkey Kong, er, Ndamukong, will be feeling too protective of Newton. I'm tempted to switch my pick from Carolina to Detroit because the last player to dog Suh, Green Bay's Josh Sitton, got his ass handed to him all game long, and the Lions pancaked the Pack 40-10. But I like a cocky quarterback. This isn't some crybaby lineman whining Suh's too mean, this is the star QB calling out the other team's badass, saying bring it on, baby! Panthers - Lions already had the look of a fun game, Newton just juiced it even more.
2-4 vs the spread last week. I was surprised at how bad Green Bay looked. They were completely overmatched. Aaron Rodgers couldn't get the ball downfield, and Green Bay's revamped defense looked just as shitty as last year. Did the Packers look that crappy because Seattle is in a class by itself? We'll have to see a few more games. I was equally surprised how well the Lions played. New offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi's passing game seemed in mid-season form from the very first series. No turnovers? No penalties in the second half? Their suspect secondary never threatened? That's not Detroit Lions football. Of course, it helps the Lions were playing a team of the blind, the lame and the halt. The New York Giants looked feeble, just feeble. Last year's Lions' offensive coordinator Scott Linehan moved on to Dallas. . .and it looks like he took all Matt Stafford's INTs with him. . .ha ha. . .Tony Romo had a rough one. The Cowboys looked like they were throwing the game in the first half. The 49ers didn't have to do much, the last 45 minutes of the game was garbage time. Pittsburgh +2.5 at Baltimore: The over/under for this game is 20.5. Over or under 20 1/2 minutes telecast air time spent belaboring the Ray Rice situation. Media feeds on scandal, and now that Rice is old news, we've seen him clock the Elevator Girl and he's been banished from the NFL, Media is on to Roger Goodell: did he or didn't he see the video? I couldn't care less. Goodell fucked this thing up royally, everybody agrees. He was too soft on Rice. . .but so was everybody else! Remember the 25000 idiots at Ravens training camp, giving this runt thug a standing ovation?? Nobody was too worked up over Rice until the elevator video came out, then, all of a sudden, Rice is Public Enemy #1. Goodell has always checked which way the wind was blowing on these types of cases. When the storm kicked up, he kicked out Rice. Everybody's happy, so let's move on. But some are saying Goodell should resign or be fired. Please. For crying out loud, he's the *commissioner* of a sports league, not Moses bringing down the tablets of the Law. Roger Goodell's job is to figure out if the NFL should put a team in London, not to direct a national debate on domestic violence. As for the game, here it is only Week 2, and the Ravens are already in a must-win game. They already lost at home to Cincinnati, lose this one and they're behind the 8 ball in the AFC North. Pittsburgh almost blew one to the Browns last week. Both of these teams are Big Names from the past, but now look pretty average. Pittsburgh has the better offensive weapons, while the Ravens have an edge on defense. And this Ray Rice cloud should have no effect on the game. I don't think the Ravens give two shits about Rice, he's already forgotten. I see Pittsburgh's offense making just enough plays to squeak by a declining Ravens squad. Pittsburgh. Miami -1 at Buffalo: A meeting of two surprise winners from Week 1. Miami choked Tom Brady and the Patriots at home, while Buffalo went to Chicago and stole one from Marc Trestman's pretty boy Bears. If the Bills had a QB, they'd be a dangerous team. And you could say the same for the Dolphins. If Buffalo can tighten its rush defense, and force Tannehill to make some throws, the Bills will win. Buffalo. Dallas +3.5 at Tennessee: The Titans beat up on the crippled Chiefs, and now they get the team with the worst coaching staff in the league. Has there ever been another team dumb enough to hire two former Lions' coaches as their coordinators?? Still, I'm not convinced the Cowboys offense is bad as it looked against the 49ers. . .unless Tony Romo is damaged goods. I have no clue if Tennessee is any good or not. Jake Locker a real QB? That journeyman collection of running backs and receivers? I'm probably taking the sucker bet, but the name players are getting 3.5. Dallas. New England -3 at Minnesota:Minnesota beat the shit out of the Rams with a couple end-arounds and a toss sweep to Cordarrelle Patterson. Is Bill Belichick really going to get fooled the way Jeff Fisher was? The Patriots couldn't stop Knowshon Moreno, now they get #28. I thought the last couple years, the end was near for the Patriots, this year, not so. It seemed like they had regained some toughness on defense, and there was just enough on offense for Brady to nickel and dime his way to the Super Bowl. But maybe this really is the end. Brady couldn't even nickel and dime the Dolphins, it was all pennies. Am I really picking Matt Cassell over Brady? Nah. New England. Atlanta +5.5 at Cincinnati: The Falcons piled up the passing yards against the Saints. Hard to see them doing that at Cincy. But they don't have to score 37 to beat the Bengals. Cincinnati is not going to completely shut down Matt Ryan's stable of receivers. . .Atlanta will score a few points, plus they're getting another 5.5 against an offense that really only has one player (A.J. Green) you have to worry about. Atlanta. Detroit +2.5 at Carolina: The Lion offense vs the Panther defense. Cam Newton, with a no-name collection of receivers, against the Lions no-name secondary. Newton will be able to hit a few deep balls against the Lions spotty dbs. And Stafford's gonna face a lot more heat than he did against the sorry Giants. Plus the Lions can't go two games in a row without a turnover. Jim Caldwell gets his first taste of Detroit Lions football. Carolina. St. Louis +5.5 at Tampa Bay: Ha. The least appealing game of the week. Got to include it. The Rams caught a huge break when Samantha Bradley went down. . .but then Shaun Hill doesn't even last a half! Poor Rams. Now they are playing somebody named Austin Davis. Josh McCown didn't look like Marc Trestman's Josh McCown last week against the Panthers, but he didn't implode, and he got the Bucs close in garbage time. Whoever loses this game, the 0-16 watch is on. Tampa Bay. New York Jets +8 at Green Bay: Really? Jets getting 8? As bad as the Packers looked? As bad as the Packers run defense looked, and the Jets can run the ball? The Jets defense ain't Seattle's, but it's pretty solid. I see the Jets running on the Packers, eating up the clock, keeping the game close. New York Jets. Chicago +7 at San Francisco: It's already panic time in Chicago, after the Bears blew a home game to Buffalo, with Jay Cutler tossing one of his trademark dumb INTs late in the game. The 49ers didn't have to do anything to beat Dallas last week except show up and not drop any of Tony Romo's INTs. The Bears can move the ball on anybody. Like most mediocre teams, it comes down to how many bonehead plays they can limit themselves to. As hard as the Cowboys tried to give the game away, the 49ers still ended up winning by only 11. Cutler won't be that bad. I'll take the 7 points against the 49ers lunchpail offense. Chicago.
3-1 last week vs the spread, 6-5 for the year. Definitely surprised how poorly Michigan played. I didn't think Michigan was a great team, but Notre Dame ain't that hot, and Michigan should not have been blown out like that. Very troubling for Brady Hoke, who looks dopier and dopier with each embarrassing loss. The local media have him written off as a dead man walking. I wish it were so. I thought he was a terrible hire, but he looked like he knew what he was doing his first year, and shocked the hell out of me by finishing 11-2. Since then, nothing but mediocre football and a dopey look on his fat face. A lot of locals think Michigan will now implode, have a terrible year, and AD Dave Brandon will be forced to get rid of his first coaching hire. But in truth, the loss to Notre Dame was only bad on the scoreboard. ND didn't even gain 300 yards. Michigan's shitty offense and four turnovers made Michigan's defense look worse than it actually was. I still think Michigan's defense, plus their easy schedule, gets Hoke 8 or 9 wins, and will get him one more year. I wish it weren't so, but that's how I see it. The Michigan State - Oregongame went just about how I called it, with State's defense finally breaking down late. Still, nothing for the Spartans to be ashamed of, they had the best of Oregon for nearly 3 quarters, and had the game been played in East Lansing, they probably would have won. The Spartans should win the rest of their games by 14+ EZ. They'll finish 12-1 and find themselves left out of the playoffs because the rest of the Big 10 sucks, as was painfully evident Saturday. Ha! Still laughing to think VaTech actually got 12 points against Urban Meyer's Buckeyes. They were never in danger of not covering, and ended up winning the game outright, and winning it fairly easily. Pussy Coach of the Week: David Shaw. His Stanford team was tied with USC halfway through the 4th Quarter, and he has a fourth and twelve at the USC 32. And he punts! He obviously had no confidence in his kicker, who had missed 2 earlier field goals. But the fucking ball is on the USC 32, have some fucking guts and go for it. His *strategy* was to punt and pin USC deep, and *put the game in the hands of his defense.* That's not strategy, that's chickenshit football. They pinned USC at their own 7, and what happened to our Pussy Coach of the Week, who put the game in the hands of his defense? He lost, of course. USC had NO TROUBLE marching down the field for the game winning field goal. Girls Schools Who Used To Beat Some Boys Schools But Now Lose To All Boys Schools: Northwestern and Vanderbilt. What's up with Pat Fitzgerald at NW? The Wildcats were some folks sleeper pick for the weak Big 10, where nearly every school is a girls school. The Wildcats have a veteran team, 17 returning starters from a squad that played everybody except Michigan State tough last year. They're 0-2 and just lost at home to a MAC team. Vanderbilt might be even worse. They've been blown out by a combined score of 78-10 in two home games, one of them against Temple! Do the Commodes really miss James Franklin, the SEC's colored Pat Fitzgerald, that much?? BYU, one of my season preview longshot picks, beat the shit out of Texas in Austin. They are going to go 12-0, and have ZERO chance at making the playoffs. Florida State will be undefeated, but the other three teams, the champs of the Big 12, Pac-12 and SEC, will all have one loss. Hell, the SEC can probably get a two loss team in. The excuse will be the power conference teams have much tougher schedules, but that really ain't the case. If you look at Phil Steele's strength of schedule ratings, BYU's schedule is comparable to Alabama's, Baylor's and Virginia Tech's. . .and those three teams, if they won their conferences and had one or two losses, would surely get picked over a zero loss BYU. It sucks to be Mormon. . . An even worse slate of games in Week 3 than in Week 2. There are only TWO games worth bothering over: Georgia -5.5 at South Carolina: After Texas A&M walked into Columbia and beat the shit out of the Gamecocks, no excuse for Georgia not to do the same. They have the running backs and receivers to pile up the points, and South Carolina doesn't have much to scare Georgia's still suspect defense. The only possible worry for the Dawgs is how 10 year back up QB Hutson Mason will play on the road. Still, even if he sucks, Georgia should be able to cover 5.5 EZ. Georgia. UCLA -7.5 at Texas: UCLA, a playoff contender, has won ugly the first two weeks of the season against soft opponents. In fact, last week's victory was pretty alarming, they gave up 35 points and 469 yards at home to Memphis(?!?!), barely hanging on for a 42-35 win. Something don't smell right. UCLA is a veteran team with 16 returning starters coming back from a big year. Were they just reading their press clippings and didn't take their first two opponents seriously? Or is there some problem festering in the locker room that is oozing onto the field? Even though Texas got their ass handed to them by BYU last week, the Texas name should still be enough to motivate the Bruins to start playing up to their ability. If they lose this one, then we'll know some stink is about to come out of LA. As for Texas, new negro head coach Charlie Strong is trying to *build the program the right way* to guarantee *long term success.* He's handing out suspensions left and right, and as a result, last week took a huge ass-whipping from BYU. Listen, there were more than a few folks down in Texas who didn't take a cotton to the Longhorns hiring a colored boy. The coach and the school have to fit, otherwise, well, just ask Rich Rodriguez about Michigan. In Texas, a white coach might be able to take a beating from a bunch of Mormons while preaching about success down the road, but a negro is going to have to win, and win fast to keep his head out o de noose. A win over UCLA would do old Charlie a world of good, but if UCLA wakes up and gives Texas another ass-whippin', you're gonna hear some rednecks grumbling that black really is the new Brown. UCLA.
9 September 2014: A day after a new video surfaced showing Ray Rice hitting his then-fiancée in the face in a hotel elevator, prompting the Baltimore Ravenso release the running back and the NFL to increase his suspension from two games to indefinite, Janay Rice defended her husband and criticized the media. "I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I'm mourning the death of my closest friend," she wrote in an Instagram post. "But to have to accept the fact that it's reality is a nightmare itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted [opinions] from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret everyday is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass off for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don't you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you've succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!" Does the above statement really reflect the thinking and feelings of the Elevator Girl? Or did she, in the *heat of the moment,* spit out clichés that only inadequately approximate her actual feelings? It is said language is a bridge, but it is a bridge that at the same time creates the chasm it bridges, and what lies under the bridge is lost. Let us hope this is truly the case with the Elevator Girl, else wise this young woman reminds us of nobody so much as the rich young ruler: And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God. Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. And he answered and said unto Him, Master, all these have I observed from my youth. Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me. And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions. This young man had the opportunity to walk with God, and had eternal happiness in his grasp. . .yet he turned away, grieved, because he felt there was no fulfillment in life without earthly treasure. He trusted more in material things than in the words personally spoken to him by God Almighty. . . If we take the rich young Elevator Girl's comments as the true expression of her soul, she has confessed her happiness depends on football money, for that is the only thing that has been taken from her. She still has the husband for whom she professes her love, and their daughter. Does she really believe their life, their happiness, can only be sustained through football money? Is she afraid without football to pacify her husband she will become just another girl from the hood, hers and her daughter's health and well-being dependent upon the neurotic whims of a ghetto thug? The Elevator Girl says her husband has *worked his ass off* for his football position. We find that hard to believe of any professional athlete. These professional idlers have been pampered throughout their adolescence and early adulthood. In truth, it is the pamperers who have worked their asses off for the sports idlers, taking their classes for them, preparing their meals, hiding their excesses from public scrutiny. The idler, the footballer, only has to play games. He is not a coal miner. He does not understand genuine labor. He believes frittering away hours lifting weights or some such nonsense and then having some faggot give him a rub-down is *work.* Absurd! Obviously, if we take the Elevator Girl's words as the truthful expression of her heart, her marriage will not stand, for it was built upon the sand of NFL dollars. Let us hope she is just an inarticulate girl, angry and defensive, spitting out clichés in a knee-jerk reaction. If so, there is the hope when the sound and fury of the scandal is done with, there remains something of substance in her and her husband, and they can move on, move into real life, and discover their happiness can be sustained by a Higher Power than the NFL.
I find it ironic this loud-mouthed, vulgar *entertainer,* just weeks after poo-pooing the deaths of thousands of Palestinian civilians, dies from a botched throat operation. . .
Green Bay +6 at Seattle: The Pack has the right mix on offense to keep Seattle's defense somewhat off balance, as long they don't forget about Eddie Lacy. If Lacy gets stuffed early and the Packers abandon the running game, then lookout, they get a Broncos-style ass-beating. But the Packers have one of the best coaching staffs in the league, I don't see them being dumb enough to try beating the Seahawk D with a one-dimensional attack. Seattle's offense is nothing special. Marshawn Lynch gets a lot of hype, but in reality he's a 4.2 yards per rush RB entering the downside of his career. And I'm not convinced Russell Wilson is a big-time QB. Seattle is counting on a *healthy* Percy Harvin to juice-up their offense. Ha. Harvin has an eggshell body and a ghetto brain. Good luck with that. Of course, the Packers defense sucked last year. They get a lot of injured players back, and added Julius Peppers--so basically they are crossing their fingers on a lot of old guys who are pretty shop-worn. But if the Packers defense can be even average, Aaron Rodgers will them a lot of games. Green Bay. Cleveland +7 at Pittsburgh: The poor little Pot Brownies! Josh Gordon gets kicked for the season for smoking a little weed, while division rival Ray Rice gets a wrist-slap for beating the shit out of his girlfriend. The most dangerous receiver in the NFL now has to sit around for a whole year and try to stay out of trouble. The Browns better hire a 24/7 babysitter, or Gordon might turn into the next Charles Rogers. Pittsburgh. Cincinnati +1.5 at Baltimore: The Ravens have no running game, and they're hoping 35 year old Steve Smith will cure whatever was ailing Joe Flacco last year. The Ravens best offensive weapon is probably Justin Tuck, who can put up 3 points from 65 yards and in. This is billed as a battle for the AFC North, but I see the Bengals as being better all across the board. And their getting +1.5. Cincinnati. San Francisco -4.5 at Dallas: The Cowboy defense sucked last year under the out-dated schemes of dinosaur d-coordinator Monte Kiffen. Jerry Jones' solution? Promote last year's d-line coach and life-long Monte Kiffen errand boy Rod *0-16* Marinelli. Prediction: Dallas' defense will suck again. The Cowboy offense will score a ton of points, though--provided aging Tony Romo stays healthy. There are some troubling signs with the 49ers. Pete Carroll caught up with and passed Jim Harbaugh last year, and then there was the weird Harbaugh-to-the-Browns thing. Harbaugh seems a little distracted, as if he has one eye on his next job. Always a master QB coach, Harbaugh's boy Colin Kaepernick seemed to regress as last season wore on. And when your tight end is the fastest player on your offense, you're not going to scare many opposing defenses. And the 49er defense has some injury problems. I have a feeling the 49ers aren't quite right this year. This game has the look of Mike Tyson climbing into the ring with Buster Douglas: a supposed badass getting ready to beat down a sloppy pushover. Let's not get fooled again. We'll take Buster this time. Dallas. Indianapolis +8 at Denver: Two soft, pass-happy teams with over-rated QBs playing EA Football. This is what the NFL loves. Telegenic football with goody-two-shoes QBs racking up the yards and td passes. I can't stand either of these teams. I hope both QBs go down on their opening series. Indianapolis. New York Giants +5.5 at Detroit: Poor, poor Jim Caldwell. A couple days ago Caldwell claimed the Lions have all the pieces to win a championship. Poor, poor Jim Caldwell. He has no idea what he has inherited. Caldwell, like every new Lions coach for the last fifty years, inherited these pieces: fumbles, ints, dumb penalties, missed assignments, dropped passes and last second field goals clanking off the goal posts. Caldwell inherited all the pieces to finish 6 - 10, with at least 5 gut-wrenching giveaway games. On paper, the Lions should crush the Giants, an aging, slow squad with a QB coming off a terrible year. But Tom Coughlin has the wisdom and patience to simply wait out the Lions. . .wait for the Lions to beat themselves, like they did last year, when the Giants beat the Lions in OT. Poor, poor Jim Caldwell. He'll walk off the field late Monday night wondering how in Hell they lost a game they won everywhere but on the scoreboard. New York Giants. Eliminator Trap Game:Buffalo at Chicago. The Bears are the second most popular choice for a Week 1 win in the ESPN Eliminator Challenge. But new Bills defensive coordinator, Psycho Jim Schwartz, knows how to beat the Bears, he did it twice last year with the Lions. And Schwartz has the defensive line to fluster Jay Cutler into 2 or 3 dumb picks. Hell, the Bills are a lot like Schwartz' Lions were, a roster full of shiny stars who somehow always manage to lose more than they win. I'd still pick the Bears to win, but not in a one-and-done Eliminator league. There are safer non-glamor team options for Week 1, like the Steelers and Jets.
3-4 vs the spread last week, but the only real shocker was the A&M blow-out of South Carolina. Like our friend asked in the comments in the preceding post, was Clowney that good, that without him SC should be killed by a talent-depleted A&M? I suppose Clowney was that good. . .and also that maybe the hype around Kevin Sumlin may be warranted. I'd have to elevate A&M to SEC contender based on their ass-kicking of South Carolina, but they have a brutal schedule, with Ole Miss, Alabama, Auburn, Missouri and LSU left to play. Georgia looked like the flop they were last year in the first half against Clemson, but looked like the Title Contender they should be in the second half. Chris Petersen nearly suffered a humiliating upset loss in his first game at Washington. . .the Huskies were lucky to win 17-16 in a game in which they were outplayed by a shitty Hawaii team. Dumbass Coach of the Week: No contest. Wisconsin's Gary Anderson was the EZ Pick for Week 1 Dumbass. In the first half against LSU, Anderson's Badgers were beating LSU black-and-blue. The huge Wiscy o-line was kicking the shit out of Les Miles' boys, and they continued in the first series in the third quarter, building a seeming insurmountable 17 point lead. But then, Coach Anderson made a colossal dumbass *adjustment:* he decided to stop giving the ball to stud tailback Melvin Gordon, and, instead, put the game in the hands of new starting QB Tanner McEvoy. Incomplete pass after incomplete pass after interception later, Coach Anderson's *adjustment* turned a sure win into an inexcusable loss. There is no sane reason why Dumbass Anderson abandoned the run game, and let scatter-armed McEvoy toss the game away. So here's the Mad Hatter getting a W in yet another game he has no business winning. Dumbass Coach of the Week Gary Anderson outsmarted himself, and robbed his players of a victory that would have put Wisconsin in a playoff contender position. WEEK TWO PICKS: The Week 2 schedule is a dumpster overflowing with garbage games like Florida Atlantic - Alabama, McNeese State - Nebraska, Citadel - Florida State. There are only four games worth bothering about: USC +4 at Stanford: I believe we will see the effects of the gradual erosion from the Jim Harbaugh days in David Shaw's fourth year at Stanford. A Jim Harbaugh team would not have been out-toughed the way Stanford was against MSU in last year's Rose Bowl. Don't expect a double-digit win total for Stanford this year. USC has the d-line to push back against Stanford's softening o-line. Stanford would need Barry Sanders, and not Barry Sanders Jr, running the ball to win this one. USC. Michigan State +11 at Oregon: Easily the biggest early season game, with the winner having an inside track to the playoffs, especially if it's MSU, since the rest of their schedule is loaded with horse manure teams. I said in my season preview the Spartans had been mistaken for a National Power, and apparently the experts agree, but I'm still surprised MSU is getting 11 points. Given Oregon's penchant for turnovers and special teams blunders in money games, I'm tempted to take the Spartans +11. . .but I won't. . .I figure Oregon has the offensive package to breakdown MSU's defense. MSU can score on Oregon, and should hang in the game for 3 quarters, but I see Oregon's QB, RBs and WRs running away late from a tired MSU defense. Oregon. Michigan +6 at Notre Dame: Michigan looked like they had a real running game last week. . .but that was against Appy State. This week they play a team without a defensive line comprised of 98 lb weaklings. . .and so we should go back to seeing Michigan's running backs tackled behind the line of scrimmage. If Michigan wins, it will be because Devin Gardner lights it up like he did last year against ND, minus the dumb turnovers. We also get to see if Michigan's defense can finally keep a mobile QB in check. The Cheating Irish didn't miss any of their suspended players last week, but that was against Rice. Michigan. Virginia Tech +12 at Ohio State: Navy's triple option did what I thought it would to the Buckeye defense, gash it for 300+ rushing yards, but OSU's new QB hit the passes in the second half to save Urban Meyer from having to fake chest pains. VaTech's offense will be a lot easier for OSU to handle, but VaTech's defense is of an order of magnitude greater than Navy's. This should be a low-scoring snoozer, and in a low-scoring game, I'll always take a team getting 12 points. Virginia Tech.
