NFL Week 13 Picks

4-4 vs the spread last week, 38-39-2 for the year. . .

Green Bay -3 at Detroit: The Packers are in a slump, mainly due to their suddenly mediocre offense, as defenses finally realize that without having to worry about Jordy Nelson they can pack it in on Aaron Rodgers.  Rodgers seems frustrated by his new status as a nickel-and-dime QB, and his teammates seem equally frustrated, with sideline squabbles and mysterious players-only meetings.  The Lions have won three in a row, with Matthew Stafford and Calvin *Megaphony* Johnson cementing their status as the National Football League's All-Time Greatest Garbage Game Producers.  But the real reason the Lions have *turned it around* is because defensive coordinator Teryl Austin has managed to rebuild Detroit's defense. . .it took half-a-year to figure out what to do without Donkeykong Suh, Nick Fairley and DeAndre Levy, but

the Lions Ziggy Ansah-and-scrapheap-rejects D is starting to look semi-tough.  The fear for Lions fans is Teryl Austin's good work will save Jim Caldwell's job, and then Austin will bolt for his own head coaching gig at season's end, leaving the Lions looking like JFK for 2016: a corpse with no brain.  Detroit.

Arizona -5.5 at St. Louis: Jeff Fisher is getting testier by the week, as the Rams have flopped Big Time with a 4 game losing streak.  QB play is once again dooming the Rams, even Todd Gurley hasn't been able to do much the last couple weeks.  Fisher needs to acknowledge the truth: he failed in St. Louis, and he has five games left to coach in his National Football League career.  He might as well relax and enjoy them, and open up his *Music City Miracle* bag of tricks, try every goofy strategy and play imaginable, have some fun before the Rams show him the door.  Arizona lost Chris Johnson. . .but does it really matter?  They still got Palmer and a ton of good receivers.  Arizona.

For Matt Ryan, it's always
breast cancer awareness week.

Atlanta +2 at Tampa Bay: Wild Card Cage Match. . .Falcons on a real skid, if they lose this one, their once seemingly insurmountable lead for a WC spot will have been surmounted by the negro-coached Tampa Bay Buccaneers. . .white head coach Dan Quinn needs to quit babying Matt Ryan. . .hey, Quinn, take Ryan and stand him up in front of everyone in the locker room and tell him to quit throwing like a fucking girl in the red zone.  Challenge him to play like a man.  The level-headed approach to losing needs to end.  But it won't.  Tampa Bay.   

Seattle EVEN at Minnesota: The last time the Vikings played a game as an NFL heavyweight, they looked like they didn't believe in themselves, and they gave a sorry-ass performance, getting whipped by a Green Bay team that has been shoved around by Detroit and Chicago.  The Vikes get another chance to prove they are the real deal, this time facing a Seattle team that finally beat a squad with a winning record last week.  Are the Seahawks about to start another late season run?  No.  The defense ain't what it used to be.  And Russell Wilson burned up his allotment of 5 TD pass games against the Steelers.  The real Vikings show up this time around.  Minnesota.  

Houston +3 at Buffalo: After apologizing to his team for back-stabbing Brian Hoyer, Bill O'Brien has the Texans on a 4 game win streak, with a good shot at winning the crappy AFC South.  Having stability at the QB spot benefits the whole team, as the Houston defense is finally living up to its potential, allowing only 35 points in those 4 wins.  Rex Ryan's been a bit of a flop in Buffalo, especially his defense, which ranks in the bottom half of the League.  Maybe Rex really isn't a very good coach?  Maybe he just got lucky his first two years with the Jets?  Whatever the reason, he won more games when he was fat.  Houston.     

Kansas City -2.5 at Oakland: The Chiefs have come back from the dead, and are the AFC's hottest team, despite playing a new running back every week.  This is Oakland's last chance to stay in the playoff race, as they barely remained alive last week, after almost choking one away to the horrible Titans. . .(and they needed to get a little help from the zebras).  The Chiefs defense is too good for the young Raiders.  Kansas City.

NFL Turkey Week Picks

Ha. . .a lousy 1-5 vs the spread last week, 34-35-2 for the year. . .

Here's this week's rushed Holiday Edition. . .probably have better picks that way, anyway. . .

Philadelphia EVEN at Detroit: Hard to believe, but the Eagles have been playing worse than Dee-troit the last couple weeks.  Chip Kelly is a genius, say the football experts.  So how come all his personnel decisions seem like they were made by a 10 year old transgender boy who plays with Barbies all day and gets squeamish before going to gym class?  The Lions are the National Football League's only franchise who anger their fan base by winning games, as their two game win streak frightens fans into envisioning shitty head coach Jim Caldwell winning 5 or 6 games and saving his job while simultaneously costing the Lions a shot at Joey Bosa or Robert Nkemdiche.  This one will probably be full of turnovers, poor clock management, dumb penalties and even dumber zebra calls.  In overtime: Detroit. 

Carolina +1 at Dallas: Tony Homo comes back, the Cowboys beat a mediocre Miami team, and now they are favored over the undefeated Panthers?  No respect for Ron Rivera.  Carolina.

Tampa Bay +3 at Indianapolis: Lovie Smith finally has Tampa winning a few games.  Rapist Jameis Winston is improving as the season goes along, and Doug Martin is piling up the yards again.  Tampa's actually a better team than the Colts, and they're getting 3 points.  EZ pick:  Tampa Bay.

New York Giants -2.5 at Washington: No way a team coached by Jay Gruden wins a division title, even a shitty division like the NFC East.  Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning vs Jay Gruden and Kirk CousINTs?  EZ Pick:  New York. 

Minnesota +2.5 at Atlanta: Vikings looked flustered in their first game as an NFL heavyweight last week.  Mike Zimmer will fix their nerves. . .but what can he do about tiny QB Teddy Bridgewater, who looks like he's about to break every time he gets sacked?  Atlanta had a disastrous collapse against the ancient Colts, and rookie head coach Dan Quinn is watching a 5-0 start and sure playoff spot slowly slip away.  But check him out in his post game press conference.  He don't seem to realize what just happened.  He talks about the loss like he just had a nice meal and a glass of wine:

I don't know, maybe I'm too old school.  Maybe I seen too many Tom Coughlin pressers, where after losses like the Falcons just suffered, Coughlin would seem exhausted and depressed, weary, full of suicidal sighs and dread at the task of having start all over again on Monday.  Maybe it's because Quinn is a rookie, maybe you got to have 5 or 6 of these kind of losses before they start to wear on you.  But just maybe he seems a little too OK with the loss? And, unlike the impression he wants to convey, maybe he really don't know exactly what went wrong and maybe he really don't know how to fix it?  Maybe Quinn wants to appear confident to his players, doesn't want to seem down or desperate.  But the Falcons better start playing desperate. The Giants usually do after Coughlin hits rock bottom.  Anyway, this game will go a long way to telling whether Quinn's been rightly confident, or blindly delusional.  I'm betting #28 carries the day for the Vikings and sends Quinn and Atlanta straight back to Square One.   Minnesota.      

St. Louis +10 at Cincinnati: After starting 8-0, the Bengals have lost two in a row, with signs Andy Dalton is starting to get skittish, again.  If he was unnerved by J.J. Watt calling him a Toy Red Ryder B.B. Gun, how's he gonna hold up against Jeff Fisher's *dirty* Rams? The Rams are my pick for the NFL's most disappointing team.  They got Todd Gurley going, won some games and got to 4-3 with a real shot at a WC, and then they lose 3 in a row, the last two to the shitty Bears and the shitty Ravens.  And to make matters worse, Fisher pulled a Brady Hoke by claiming not to have seen his QB getting his brains scrambled at the end of the Ravens contest, leaving him in there to fumble away the game.  This looks like the beginning of the end for Fisher.  Bengals will win, but won't cover.  St. Louis.  

Pittsburgh +4 at Seattle: The Steelers are the only AFC team that can keep New England out of the Super Bowl. . .as long as Ben Roethlisberger can stay healthy, but that's no sure bet, as old Big Ben is beginning to look like the Reggie Bush of QBs.  Seattle's held form all year, beating the 5 crappy teams they've played and losing to the 5 good teams they've played.  Nothing changes this week.  Pittsburgh. 

Baltimore +2.5 at Cleveland: Nobody gives a shit about this game, but it provides us a chance to mock the Browns head coach.  One week after stating the midget was his QB for the rest of the season, Mike Pettine looks like the idiot he is, as he has to bench the midget because the midget is, and always will be, a joke.  Why Pettine would trust his team to a joke is beyond me.  Pettine has fucked up the Browns two years running, and he'll be the next coach fired.  What is this, Pettine's 10th QB change in two years?  The Browns are 2-8.  There are no 2-8 talent teams in the National Parity League, teams are 2-8 because of poor coaching, and poor coaching decisions.  As for this turd of a game, on paper the Browns look to be the sure winner: the Ravens lost Joe Flacco, and now have to play Matt *Pick-Six* Schaub, while the Browns actually upgrade from the midget to Crybaby McClown.  But the game won't be played on paper or in some computer simulation.  Pettine will actually have to coach against John Harbaugh.  I'm betting Harbaugh can beat Pettine, even with one Matt Schaub tied behind his back.  Baltimore.    

NFL Week 11 Picks

2-3 vs the spread last week, 33-30-2 for the year. . .

Tennessee +2.5 at Jacksonville: Ha ha ha. . .this is what the

National Football League is all about: 8 tiny divisions to keep almost every team a *contender* all season long.  The *winner* of this NFL bum fight will remain in the *race* for the AFC South *crown.*  Jacksonville is better across the board, and if they had decent coaching, they could actually win the South. Blake Bortles has improved dramatically from his sorry-ass rookie year, and now has a decent running back in T.J. Yeldon to go along with a decent receiving corps.  Marcus Mariota looks like he's having a pretty good rookie season. . .on paper. . .in real-life, he looks like a nickel-and-dimer, cut from the Mark Sanchez cloth.  He'll start for two or three more years, then, like Sanchez, move around the League to whoever needs a back-up.  Jacksonville.

Oakland -2 at Detroit: The Lions ended a 24 year road losing streak in Green Bay last week in a game that said more about the sudden decline of the Packers than about any possible Detroit revival.  In fact, the Lions had their usual share of turnovers, dumb penalties, head-scratching coaching *strategies,* missed extra points, and yet another Calvin *Megaphony* Johnson end game fumble. . .but still somehow managed to *beat* the Bizarro Packers.  The Packers are a much easier match-up for Detroit's slow defense than the Raiders, as Derek Carr has a legitimate deep threat in Amari Cooper and a big-play running back in Latavius Murray, whereas GB has nothing but lead-foots at WR and RB.  Grab all the Raiders in Fantasy Football, they will light up the Lions.  Oakland.

Indianapolis +6 at Atlanta: The Falcons need to win this game if they want to stay in the WC driver's seat. . .this is the EZist game left on their schedule, as the Colts have a lame duck coach and a lame QB, 40 yr old Matt Hasselbeck. . .and RB Frank Gore has more miles on him than a Paris ambulance.  The Falcons have lost 3 of their last 4, and need to get back to business: run the fucking ball.  They gave up way too early on the run against the 49ers, and tried win with Air Ryan--the dumb strategy that cost Mike Smith his job.  Hopefully rookie coach Dan Quinn used the bye week to regroup and get his mind right, otherwise the Falcons 5-0 start will go up in smoke.  Atlanta.

Denver +1 at Chicago: Something named Brock Osweiler replaces Fantasy Football legend Peyton Manning for the Broncos.  Whatever a Brock Osweiler is, it has to be an upgrade over Manning, who is missing more body parts than a Paris suicide bomber.  John Fox has a horrible Bears roster at 4-5, just a Falcons stumble away from being back in the WC race.  And it's not unreasonable to expect this largely talent-less team to make a playoff run, because Fox has QB Jayne Cutler playing the best football of her career.  They say you meet the same people on the way down as you met on the way up--that's true for the Broncos this week, as they get beat down by their former coach.  Chicago.  

Dallas EVEN at Miami: Tony Homo is back for the Cowboys, and he ain't in much better shape than Peyton Manning. . .and he's about to face a Donkeykong Suh who is starting to play like a 60 million dollar defensive tackle.  And that's the only interesting thing about this match-up between two teams going absolutely nowhere: will Suh make Jerry Jones regret his stupid decision to rush Homo back onto the field to play in a meaningless game?  Let's hope so.  Miami.

Green Bay +1 at Minnesota: 6-3 Green Bay will only win one or two more games this year, because last week they lost at home to Matthew Stafford, who has NEVER won a road game over a team that finished the season with a winning record.  NEVER.  Anyway, the Packers are in a stunning free-fall, no longer looking anything remotely close to the Super Bowl pick many had them as just three weeks ago.  Defenses are finally realizing that without Jordy Nelson, Aaron Rodgers has nobody who can get open more than 10 yards downfield.  Even the shitty Lion defense was able to sit on Rodgers, and choke down the GB run game.  There is NO HOPE the Packers can figure a way out of their boxed-in offense against a disciplined Viking defense. Mike Zimmer has taken the last place Vikings and moved them past the North's perennial champion in only a year-and-a-half.  The guy has a very effeminate and passive-aggressive personality, but he may be the best fucking coach in the National Football League.  I've watched more than a few Vikings games in the last 2 years, and other than the inexplicable opening dud in San Francisco this year, they've always been ready to play, made the best half-time adjustments, and played mentally and physically tough football for the entire 60 minutes.  If this guy ever gets a Big Time QB, look out. He can go on a Belichick run.  Minnesota.

NFL Week 10 Picks

3-2-1 vs the spread last week, 31-27-2 for the year. . .

Detroit +11.5 at Green Bay: Green Bay lost the last two. . .on the road. . .to playoff caliber teams. . .not alarming. . .the Packers are still a good team. . .but they ain't a great team, either.  Eddie Lacy is fat and falls down EZ, they don't have a deep threat in the passing game, and even Aaron Rodgers was underwhelming for 7 of the last 8 quarters, and then made an uncharacteristic end game screw up.  The Packers even had a couple sideline scuffles. . .clearly, they ain't used to losing. The Lions, on the other hand, have 60 years of experience at losing, and their sideline is the living embodiment of the downtrodden's twelve step prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. . .Green Bay. 

Dallas +1.5 at Tampa Bay: Ha ha ha. . .who would have bet before the season began that Tampa would have a better record than the Cowboys, and would actually be the favorite in this game?  And, look, it's not that Tampa still ain't crappy, they're 3-5. . .but the Cowboys can't win without Tony Homo. In the NFL, it's the quarterback, stupid.  But if there is a game the Cowboys can win with Matt Cassel, it's this one. The Bucs had so many dropped passes, fumbles and penalties against the Giants last week, it looked like they threw the game.  Lovie Smith's running a fucking country club down there, he's probably got white women giving lap dances to the players at half-time. Can't take 'em seriously.  Dallas. 

Chicago +7 at St. Louis: There has never been a 300 yard rushing game in the NFL. . .it could happen here, as the Bears awful rush defense has to try to stop Todd Gurley.  St. Louis.

Minnesota +3 at Oakland: The Raiders had a chance last week to take a step up, but blew it against the Steelers, giving away the game with 4 turnovers and a horrible defense that couldn't even stop backup Pittsburgh QB Landry Jones. . .a brutal loss.  No way they can play that sloppy again and expect to beat the Vikings, the National Football League's most disciplined team.  

Mike Zimmer's done a helluva job in his year-and-a-half in Minnesota, and he had a big win last week against the St. Louis Gurleys, but he came off like a fucking pantywaist in his postgame press conference, whining about a *cheap shot* that knocked Teddy Bridgewater cold. It wasn't a cheap shot.  It was obvious the Ram defender was trying to glide over the sliding Bridgewater, but just didn't get his elbow up in time.  But Zimmer acted all prissy about it, and then made some passive-aggressive comment about Ram defensive cooridinator Gregg Williams *scandalous* New Orleans bounty program. Hey, Zimmer, you look like half-a-fucking-sissy talking tough to a bunch of reporters after doing nothing when you had the chance on the field.  But anyways, this should be a helluva game. . .in a tight game like this, I'll take the team less likely to make critical mistakes.  Minnesota.

Arizona +3 at Seattle: The Seahawks have played four bad teams, and beaten them.  They've played four good teams, and lost to them.  The Cardinals are a good team.  It's as simple as that.  And they're getting 3 points. C'mon.  EZ.  Arizona.

NFL Week 9 Picks

5-2 vs the spread last week, 28-25-1 for the year. . .Shane Morris came to the University of Michigan as a 5 star high school blue chip QB recruit.  Since his arrival, he's had more concussions than touchdown passes, and new head coach Jim Harbaugh opted to trust his first year at U-M with a fifth year senior transfer that Kirk Ferentz ran out of Iowa, a ham-and-egger named Jake Rudock.  When Rudock got injured late in the Michigan-Minnesota game last week, Wolverine fans expected that second string and former high school hot shot Shane Morris would come into the game. . .no.  Harbaugh passed him over, and went with a borderline 3 star recruit named Wilton Speight, who had never completed a pass in his Michigan career.  Mind you, this was not for mop-up duty.  The game was on the line.  Michigan was trailing a fired-up Gopher team trying to win one for their old coach, Jerry Kill, who announced his retirement three days prior to the game because he could no longer control his epilepsy.  The *Jerrysota* crowd was in a frenzy all night long, and here was Michigan, down 5 points late in the game, and now without their mediocre starting QB.  And Harbaugh passes over the big name second stringer and calls on zero completion Wilton Speight.  After the game reporters asked Harbaugh to explain his thinking:

He has been performing really well in practice. It just struck me a couple of weeks ago, when Wilton was throwing the ball, I wasn't nervous anymore about where it was going. I can't say exactly when that happened. I used to be nervous when he threw the ball, where it was going to go, if he was going to make the appropriate throw, and if it was going to be accurate. He just kept improving and improving. I was confident when he went back that he was going to make the appropriate throw. I felt like he had earned it and he was good to go.

Speight misfired badly on his first three throws, then was picture-perfect on his last three, including the game-winning TD toss.

I bring this up because Harbaugh is the only coach I have seen in 40 years of watching football who has any clue about QBs.  Other coaches, even otherwise great coaches, can't tell one quarterback from a bucket of shit, and they damage their teams by sending the bucket of shit onto the field.  Look at Mike Pettine last year, how he ruined a possible playoff Browns team by imagining the midget was better than Brian Hoyer.  Look how Jay Gruden has created chaos in Washington, imagining Kirk Cousins and Colt McCoy are better than RGIII.  Look how Bill O'Brien torpedoed his Texans, imagining Ryan Mallet was better than Hoyer. Jason Garrett (or Jerry Jones) imagined weenie-armed Matt Cassell was better than Brenda Weeden.  In the college game, look how Mark Richt hasn't a clue at Georgia as to which QB to play.  The list would be endless, and goes back decades.  Hell, I remember when Dick Vermeil, certainly one of the better football coaches, wept like a fucking baby when his hand-picked, personally-groomed big free agent signee Trent Green blew out his knee in an exhibition game, and left Vermeil to face a season with only some stumblebum named Kurt Warner to take the snaps.  Dick Vermeil, successful both at the collegiate and professional level, had no fucking idea after watching a summer's worth of practices, that Kurt Warner was 20x the QB Trent Green was.

Even Urban Meyer, the most successful coach in the college game, has trouble sorting out QBs, as his flip-flopping of J.T. Barrett and Cardale Jones shows.

When football coaches start switching QBs, disaster usually follows. . .except in the case of Harbaugh.  In his first year at Stanford, he switched QBs for the USC game, and as a 40 point underdog somehow snapped USC's 35 game home winning streak in one of college football's all-time biggest upsets. . with the 49ers he was winning big with Alex Smith. . .but he saw in practice that Colin Halfernigger was better, he risked upsetting the apple cart to win even bigger with Halfernigger. . .and he pulled it off.  Now that Harbaugh is gone, Halfernigger is the biggest joke in the NFL.  

How is it that Jim Harbaugh is the only coach who can pick the right QB?  Is he the only coach who actually watches his QBs throw the ball in practice?  Is that possible?  

Green Bay -2.5 at Carolina: The Panthers nearly choked one away to the crappy Colts on Monday night, but survived in OT and are now the NFC's only unbeaten team, while the Packers suffered a shocking loss in Denver for their first defeat of the season.  What was shocking was not the defeat itself, after all Denver was also undefeated and playing at home. . .not, what was shocking was the Broncos holding Aaron Rodgers under 100 passing yards.  It's true Rodgers has been a nickel-and-dime QB this year without Jordy Nelson, but that was the first time I've seen A-Rodg get totally shut down.  Carolina looked like they were going to do the same to Andrew Luck, until late in the game, when their secondary suddenly sprang leaks all over the place. . .it seemed like Luck picked up 200 yards in just the last 5 minutes of the game.  But the Panthers survived the bizarre breakdown, and now get Green Bay at home with a chance to take a 2 game lead over the Pack for the NFC's #1 playoff seed.  Can Rodgers be shut down two games in a row?  The *experts* don't think so, as the Packers are a road favorite.  But I like the Panthers to keep on winning ugly.  Carolina.

Tennessee +8 at New Orleans: How great a QB was Kurt Warner?  So great, he almost won a Super Bowl despite being coached by Kunt Whisenkunt, surely one of the worst head coaches in the modern era of the National Football League, and loser of 31 of his last 35 games. . .even the Dee-troit Lions never had a coach who stunk that fucking bad!  Well, the Titans made a colossal error when they hired this guy, and then made an even more colossal error when they idiotically brought him back for a second year, even after his players quit on him and lost their last ten games in 2014. But after watching Whisenkunt leave an injured Marcus Mariota in the Dolphins game a couple weeks ago, they've finally admitted their mistake, and shit-canned Kunt after their depressing 1-6 start (and before he could totally wreck Mariota).  And Hell, even at 1-6, now that they've got rid of Kunt, the Titans are still in the race for the AFC South *crown,* trailing the other 3 South *teams* by only 1 game in the loss column.  Drew Brees and the Saints offense has come back from the dead in their 3 game winning streak, hi-lited by Brees' 7 td/500 yd performance last week against the Giants.  The Saints looked over-the-hill in the season's first 5 weeks, but Sean Payton must have found the fountain of youth for his decrepit 2009 Super Bowl leftovers (or maybe he just jacked off on Marie Laveau's grave). . .but whatever, the Saints look ready to climb back into the Wild Card race.  New Orleans. 

Miami +3 at Buffalo: Two very disappointing 3-4 teams playing an elimination match.  Rex Ryan's defense has been terrible the last two weeks. . .have the players tuned-out this quintessential *players coach* after just half-a-season??  *Tomato Can* Campbell got his ass whipped last week by a real professional football team, the Patriots, and to have any chance to keep his job past the remainder of 2015, he has to win this game.  I don't think he will.  The Bills get Tyrod Taylor back this week, and I don't think Donkeykong Suh and his mates feel up to chasing him all over the field for a Manpower temp coach.  Buffalo.    

St. Louis +3 at Minnesota: Big game in the Wild Card race as the NFC's #6 and #7 seeds square off.  Mike Zimmer has done a remarkable job rebuilding the Vikings, and with very little notice.  The improvement has been on an almost weekly basis for a year-and-a-half, now.  The pass rush is beginning to rival that of the old Purple People Eaters, and while the offense still doesn't scare anybody, they have #28 to chew up the clock, and a short passing game to protect Teddy Bridgewater's weenie arm.  The Rams are back in the Wild Card race for one reason, and one reason, only: Todd Gurley, who has been sensational, breaking Billy Sims' 35 year old record for most rushing yards by a rookie in his first four starts.  Believe me, I been watching football since the days of that white woman killer, O.J. Simpson, if this kid Gurley's knee holds up, he'll go down as one of the All-Time Greats. . .he's the best running back to enter the League since Barry Sanders in 1989.  Gurley is so good, he might end up making Jeff Fisher look like a good coach, again.  St. Louis.

Oakland +4.5 at Pittsburgh: Last week the young Raiders offense destroyed the League's best defense, the Jets, in an AFL Glory Days Rivalry throwback game.  This week they get another old AFL Glory Days throwback game against the Steelers.  I'm gonna stick with the hot team, the Raiders, as Big Ben looked a little out-of-sorts in his return against the Bengals, and the Steelers lost Le'Veon Bell for the rest of the year (though DeAngelo Williams is certainly a more-than-adequate replacement).  Oakland.

Atlanta -6 at San Francisco: So Jim Harbaugh's old team is now resorting to that same failed panic move I discussed at the beginning--the old quarterback switcheroo.  True, Colin Halfernigger has been terrible. But, take a look at the new QB:  Modesty Blaise Gabbert.  Ha ha ha. She was run out of. . .Jacksonville!!  Hey, maybe by some miracle the 49ers do win this game. . .but that miracle ain't gonna be Modesty Blaise Gabbert.  It'll be the Falcons kicking the fucking game away by some NFL version of college football's recent run of crazy kick-sixes.  Modesty Blaise Gabbert ain't gonna run and pass the 49ers to victory, and she ain't no upgrade over Halfernigger.  And, anyway, there ain't gonna be no miracle victory for Jim Tonsils or whatever and the 49ers.  Dan Quinn knew how to beat the Niners when they were good. . .and they ain't good no more. Atlanta. 

Bonus College Game of the Week:

LSU +7 at Alabama: While Mark Richt fell on his face yet again, and new coaching flavor of the year Gus Malzahn has forgotten how to win, and even old reliable Gary Pinkel fucked up his quarterback spot so bad Missouri is as horrible as they should be, and negro wonder boy coach Kevin Sumlin still can't break through against the big boys, and Bret Bielema can't remake Arkansas into Wisconsin South, but, well, lookie here: it's the old Mad Hatter, Les Miles, written off nearly every year as a fluke-and-luck coach, still standing, once again, as the SEC's One True Threat to Nick Saban and Alabama.  Les still don't have a good QB, but he does have college football's best player, army tank running back Leonard Fournette.  The LSU run game has been so good, as a team they average 6.7 yards per carry, they've made Brandon Harris practically a pressure-free QB. . .in fact, LSU hasn't thrown an interception all year (it makes me a little nervous, picking LSU. . .out of the sheer law of averages they might be due for 3 picks against Bama).  Somehow a one-loss Alabama team that barely squeaked by Tennessee is ranked higher by the CFP than unbeatens Michigan State, Baylor and TCU. . .what the Hell?!?!  This is a good Alabama team, but not one of the old Monster Alabama squads.  They'd be in the Playoffs if the season ended today?  Ridiculous.  Anyways, Saban's had the best of old Les in recent years, winning the last four. . .but I think this year Les has the better team. . .and they are getting a whopping 7 points.  LSU.  

NFL Week 8 Picks

4-3 vs the spread last week, 23-23-1 for the year. . .

Miami +8 at New England: New rah-rah interim coach Dan Campbell must think he's Knute Rockne. . .that'll happen to a guy who coaches against tomato cans every week.  But now *Tomato Can* Campbell has to coach against the Patriots, so let's see what happens.  The Patriots are 6-0, but they had a strange win over the Jets last week, not even pretending to try to run the ball. . .QB Tom Brady had 15 of the team's 16 meager rushing yards. Miami's Donkeykong Suh got his first two sacks of the season last week, and his buddies added six more, and you wonder if the Pats can get away with throwing on every down against a rejuvenated Dolphins pass rush.  I bet against the Dolphins last week, and it was 41-zip at halftime. Won't be the same this week, but I'll take the points. Miami.

Detroit +5 vs Kansas City (in London): The sad sack Lions musta seen what the Dolphins did, fire their coach and then turn around and have two blow-out wins, and they figured, gee, maybe that shit will work for us.  A couple problems. . .first, the Lions didn't fire their head coach, like the Dolphins, they kept Jim Caldwell and made offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi the scapegoat.  Typical Lions, going about things half-assed.  Hell, worse than half-assed, since the guy the Lions promoted to OC is ol' Jim Bob Cooter, the nut case who was arrested in 2009 for breaking into a woman's apartment, stripping down to his underwear, and climbing into bed with her.  I mean, this guy couldn't pass a background check to get a job mopping floors in a high school, yet he can make six figures drawing squiggly lines in the NFL?  The League is a world unto itself.  Anyway, what's this goofball gonna be able to teach Matthew Stafford, other than the naked bootleg?  Also, the Dolphins fired their coach on a bye week, giving the team a couple weeks to adjust, while the Lions made their change the week BEFORE their bye week. . .in fact, they shit-canned Lombardi just a couple hours before the team boarded their plane to London. . .uh, the timing on these moves might be just a little off, so don't expect much from the *new look* Lions. . .if they can get Cooter back into the United States without him causing an embarrassing international incident, they'll have their *moral* victory.  Kansas City.

Tampa Bay +7.5 at Atlanta: This may not be quite as EZ a game as it looks on *paper.*  The white woman-raping Jameis Winston is playing a little better as the season wears on, and Doug Martin is starting run the ball like he did in 2012.  Still, they are the Bucs. . .they somehow blew a 24-0 lead against Jay Gruden, Kirk Cousins and the sorry-ass Redskins last week.  Only two of the Falcons 6 wins have been by more than 6 points. . .one against the Brenda Weeden Cowboys and one against the Hoyer/Mallet Texans.  Let's pick the Falcons to win another squeaker, but fail to cover, like they did against the shitty Titans last week.  Tampa Bay. 

New York Giants +3.5 at New Orleans: Two mediocre teams that could be standard bearers for the National Parity League. Their combined record is 7-7, and yet one is a division leader, and the other still has a long shot chance at a wild card.  Neither of these teams is particularly good at anything. . .except beating injury-riddled opponents.  Now they face-off against each other in an NFL bum fight.  Take the bum getting the points.  New York Giants. 

Tennessee EVEN at Houston: Two horrible teams. . .one horrible coach (Titans Kunt Whisenkunt), and one coach who seems to have lost control (Texans Bill O'Brien).  O'Brien looked like he was about to cry in his post game press conference last week, trying to explain how his team could be behind 41-0 at half-time.  He managed to choke back the tears, and then say he did challenge his team to *win the second half,* which he was so proud they did. . .uh, OK, so you scored a few points against Miami's bench. . .why take pride in accepting charity?  The good news for O'Brien is Tennessee's first team ain't no better than Miami's second team, so the Texans ought to win both halves this week.  Houston.  

New York Jets -2 at Oakland: This used to be a helluva rivalry back in the old AFL days. . .Joe Namath vs Daryle Lamonica. . .Super Bowls used to be on the line.  Well, under new coaches, both teams have already matched their win totals from last season, so the glory days may be on their way back. The Jets have the NFL's premier defense, and if they had a decent QB, they'd already be a Super Bowl threat, instead of what they are with Ryan Fitzpatrick: a one-and-done wild card playoff team. The Raiders got a lot of young weapons on offense, it's only a matter of time before they take over the AFC West, a division loaded with has-been teams sputtering on their last legs.  Oakland.  

Green Bay -2.5 at Denver: The top two points against defenses in the League.  The difference is at quarterback: Aaron Rodgers is still in his prime, while Peyton Manning is running on fumes.  Packers win, and cover the 2.5 EZ.  Green Bay.

NFL Week 7 Picks

3-3 vs the spread last week, 19-20-1 for the year. . .

After Brian Hoyer led the disappointing Texans to a victory over once-again lousy Jacksonville, head coach Bill O'Brien said we're going to stick with Brian. He's playing really well. Got a lot of confidence in him.  Ha ha ha.  I'm sure Hoyer took those comments with more than a few grains of salt.  No current League QB has been back-stabbed by his coaches more than Hoyer, and been benched for shittier replacements (airheads Ryan Mallet and the midget, and the crybaby McClown).  Not that Hoyer is the second coming of Johnny Unitas or anything, but he's been CLEARLY better than Mallet and the midget, doesn't cry like McClown, and has won games for weakling football teams, yet for some reason, his coaches treat him like a tramp, using him for a few weeks, than throwing him in the gutter when the next QB comes prancing along.  I make it even money O'Brien benches Hoyer again sometime this season. . .

And what's with Jay Gruden?  After endlessly nitpicking RGIII to death, and replacing him with the horrible Kirk Cousins, who throws at least 2 dumb INTs a game, Gruden goes out of his way to make the most absurd excuses for Cousins.  After last Sunday's latest debacle, Gruden excused Cousins picks by saying it was a little windy.  Gruden will end up losing his job because he cannot admit he's backed the wrong QB.  

Seattle -5.5 at San Francisco: This game used to determine who was the NFC West's best, now it's to see who's the West's worst.  The 49ers fall-off was predicted by everybody, but Seattle's slide has been a surprise, they are a zebra gift away from being a 1-5 team. Though the Seahawks defense, which has choked away a couple games late, is not nearly as tough as it was under former coordinator Dan Quinn, I would still be shocked if they were on the verge of a complete collapse, which is what a loss to the lame 49ers would signal.  Seattle.  

Atlanta -3.5 at Tennessee: Tennessee head coach Kunt Whisenkunt, a wannabe tough guy, bitched about a hit on his pretty boy QB Markesha Mariota:

Shut up, Kunt.  This ain't flag football you're coaching, though with your 3-18 record with the Titans, maybe you think it is.  Kunt just got his ass beat by a Miami squad of quitters coached by a rah-rah interim coach. . .whatever the fuck Whisenkunt thinks he's doing, it's obviously not resonating with the players, who once again look like they are just going through the motions, just like they did with their ten game losing streak to end last season.  Atlanta is coming off their first loss of the season, a bumbling performance against the over-the-hill Saints. . .this is the perfect tomato can opponent to get back on the winning track. . .the Falcons have way too much firepower for a Titan defense that don't want to lay it on the line for coach Kunt.  Surprise stud running back Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones ought to find plenty of open field in this one.  Atlanta.    

Minnesota -2.5 at Detroit: The Lions got their first *win* of the year against the Bears last week, in a game which offered an amateurish exhibition from both squads. . .it was a seemingly endless overtime affair which *featured* double-digit bonehead penalties, fumbles, dumb INTs, and moronic coaching strategy. True to their Hall of Fame Garbage Time Form, once the pressure of playing with something to lose was lifted by their 0-5 start, Lion *stars* Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson posted big numbers, and will now likely remain Fantasy *stars* for the remainder of this lost season.  The Vikings, under second year coach Mike Zimmer, are right where a team on the rise is supposed to be, one win over a crappy team away from being 4-2 and in solid Wild Card contention.  Minnesota.    

Pittsburgh -2 at Kansas City: Pittsburgh's winning with an oddball collection of QBs, while the Chiefs have flopped to a 1-5 start, and now have to go the rest of the year without Jamal Charles.  The Steelers season has been marked by suspensions and injuries, but their defense is getting tougher by the week. . .if Big Ben gets back and regains his old form for the stretch run, the Steelers will be a dangerous playoff team, and probably the only AFC team that can stop the Patriots from returning to the Super Bowl.  The Chiefs have been horrible, even losing at home to the Bears, and QB Alex Smith now looks like his pre-Harbaugh self . . .this is the beginning of the end for behemoth head coach Andy Reid.  Pittsburgh.

Houston +4.5 at Miami: After quitting on Joe Philbin, the Dolphins resembled the team many thought they'd be in demolishing shitty Tennessee last week for their new gung-ho interim coach.  But that was Tennessee, and lucky for them, this is Houston, another chump team.  But once they're done kicking the Texans around, the Dolphins have to play the Patriots, Bills and Eagles on the road.  We'll see then if the Dolphins quit on Philbin because Philbin was a goofball, or just because the Dolphins are natural born quitters.  Bill O'Brien gave Brian Hoyer a vote of confidence after last week's win over the Jags, so Hoyer's job ought to be safe at least until the 3rd quarter.  The Texans' DeAndre Hopkins looks like the next Calvin Johnson, a great garbage time receiver.  Every reasonable indicator points to the Dolphins winning this one EZ. . .but I have a feeling the Dolphins believe last week's game was worth two weeks of work. . .all that bye week rally-round-the-new coach, the-season-begins-now rejuvenation might wear off pretty quick on the slacker Dolphins.  Upset Special.  Houston.     

New York Jets +9.5 at New England: New head coach Todd Bowles has had a friendly opening schedule, 5 chump teams in a row, and he's done a decent job of turning the former chump Jets into a 4-1 team. . .but now he's got to face the Pats as the real measuring stick.  The Jets defense is for real, its loaded with stars, but an offense of cast-offs Ryan Fitzpatrick, Chris Ivory and Brandon Marshall ain't gonna score enough to win the game.  The defense keeps the Jets close enough to cover, but NE gets the W.  New York Jets.

Philadelphia +3 at Carolina: As quickly as the Eagles were written off, they're just as quickly back in first place in the mediocre NFC East.  But the offense still looks like a work-in-progress, with Samantha Bradford tossing 9 INTs and ranking dead last in Total QBR, and big money free agent running back DeMarco Murray only averaging 3.4 yards per carry.  Carolina is the surprise team of the year, 5-0. . .or are they?  The Panthers haven't played a team with a winning record.  Still, I give Ron Rivera a lot of credit, the Panthers themselves are a chump team, and surely have less talent than Houston and Seattle, and maybe even the Saints, three of the sparring partner teams they've beat.  Listen, when your QB is your best running back, and Ted Ginn is your best wide out, you ought to be 0-5 instead of 5-0, no matter who you've played.  Why so little respect for Rivera?  Maybe because he looks more like he ought to be starring in Machete 3 than coaching in the NFL?  Anyways. . .Carolina. 

College Football Week 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

5-1 vs the spread last week, 18-18-1 for the year. . .but after this:

I need a drink worse than Steve *Cutty* Sark-isian. . .

I must pull the shades, sit in the dark, stare at the walls and forget about college football until Ohio State week. . .only a win over Urban Meyer's Buckeyes can heal the wounds of *the punt.* 

See ya for Week 13. . .

Until then:

NFL Week 6 Picks

2-3 vs the spread last week, 16-17-1 for the year. . .

On Tuesday, after his team's crushing Monday night loss to Seattle, in which the National Football League's All-Time Greatest Garbage Time Receiver, Calvin *Megatron* Johnson fumbled away the game-winning touchdown and the zebras blew the touchback call, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Caldwell told the Media he didn't want his players talking about the game or the blown call, anymore:

"You can take that situation and drag it out through the week where your players are more focused in on that particular play than on the opposition that we have to face in just a few days. You can act, `Woe is me, that's a bad call, that went against us,' and look at all those kinds of things. That'll distract you and you'll get your ears kicked in come Sunday afternoon."

OK, so the Lions shut up about it and focused on the Cardinals, and didn't get their ears kicked in, right, coach?

Oh, oh. . .Arizona 42, Dee-troit 17. . .oh, oh.  Great leadership, there, Caldwell. . . 

Might as well have let the players bitch-and-moan about the Seattle game, they couldn't have played any fucking worse. . .ha ha ha.

And while you're at it, get rid of that stupid moustache.

Atlanta -3 at New Orleans: The Saints might have actually played worse than the Lions, getting steamrolled by a 1-3 Eagles team that hadn't been able to get out of its own way.  It's apparent now the Drew Brees Saints are washed-up, and if Sean Payton wants to win again in New Orleans, he's looking at a two-to-three year rebuilding project. . .I wouldn't be surprised if he left the Saints at the end of this season, before his coaching reputation suffers too much more damage.  How bad are the Saints?  Last year's shitty Mike Smith Falcons could beat them, so just imagine what this year's Dan Quinn Falcons will do.  Atlanta. 

Fuck Jim Caldwell and Detroit, Matt!
You'd be much happier playing for
the Cowboys or the Texans!

Chicago +3.5 at Detroit: As if Coach Caldwell's pregame strategy wasn't bad enough, he had a couple dumb-shit in-game moves.  1) he benched Matthew Stafford early in the 3rd quarter after issuing a half-time warning that he'd be removed if threw another INT. .sure enough, Stafford threw a pick, and got his ass yanked from the game. . .and, yes, Stafford sucked. . .but, look, how the fuck long has Caldwell been around football?  Surely this dumb motherfucker must have noticed: threatening/changing/benching QBs almost NEVER produces anything positive.  And yet, predictably, after the game Caldwell said Stafford was still his guy, but then did more damage by saying Matty could still be a good QB, as if he wasn't already. . .hey, he might not be a good QB, it's debatable, but why once again publicly slight your QB?  Totally counter-productive.  Nothing good comes out of these dumb QB moves. . .they're done so it looks like the coach is *coaching.* In reality, they just tear away at whatever remaining confidence the struggling QB has.  And in Stafford's case, his Social Media darling wife will now be whispering a little more loudly in his ear how unappreciated he is in Detroit, and how he doesn't deserve to be treated this way, blah blah blah. 2) For God only knows what ridiculous reason, trailing 35-7 with 12 minutes to go in the game, and facing a 4th down at the Cardinals 23 yard line, Caldwell sends out the field goal kicker.  Huh?!?!  THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE FUCKING GAME.  YOU PLAY THE FUCKING GAME, NO MATTER HOW HOPELESSLY BEHIND, AS IF YOU ARE TRYING TO WIN, YOU DON'T PLAY THE GAME TO MAKE THE FINAL SCORE A LITTLE LESS EMBARRASSING.  Oh yeah, and Golden Tate complained after the game that the fans booed and left early.  Hey, Tate, shut your fucking piehole!  You barely average 10 yards a catch, and you fumbled the one accurate pass Stafford threw you.  The fans should toss flowers on the field after you fumble?  You do your job, and then the fans will do their job.  Typical Notre Dame prima donna.  No wonder nobody gave a shit when he left Seattle.   As for the Bears, John Fox is once again proving he is one of the League's great coaches.  Remember, a couple weeks ago it was the Bears, not the Lions, who were the League's biggest joke.  They were 0-3 and management began dumping players left and right in a fire sale, assuming the season was over.  But they forgot to tell Fox the Bears couldn't win.  Now with a victory the Bears are 3-3 and back in the Wild Card race.  If anybody can win with Jayne Cutler, it's John Fox.  He'll fix that Bears defense.  As I said in my season preview, the Bears are a dark horse playoff team.  Chicago.    

Miami +2.5 at Tennessee: Coach killer Donkeykong Suh's first game for Dan Campbell, another wonder boy coach cut from the Bill Parcells tree.  Poor Joe Philbin, he's got to be wondering why he couldn't get to coach against shitty Tennessee and get a season-saving win. If Suh can't make mincemeat out of the Titans, forget it.  Campbell's had two weeks to turn bratty, crybaby QB Ryan Tannehill into a leader.  I bet he has more luck getting Suh to play hard.  Gee, come to think of it, Tennessee, even under Kunt Whisencunt, might actually be the team with the more harmonious locker room.  Tennessee.    

Carolina +6.5 at Seattle: Uh, how come nobody ever says Ron Rivera is one of the best coaches?  Sure, the Panthers win ugly. . .but have you looked at their roster?  It IS ugly.  This guy wins with absolute garbage.  He's 4-0 with Cam Newton running quarterback draws.  That's it, that's all they got.  All his good defensive players get injured, suspended or bolt in free agency, and he just plugs the next guy in and he shuts you down, just the same.  Great fucking coach.  Most under-rated coach.  Without the zebras giving them a win over the Lions, the Seahawks are a 1-4 team.  Russell Wilson's getting knocked every which way from Sunday, and their superstar defense can't protect a lead.  Maybe they miss Dan Quinn?  Carolina is mentally and physically tougher.  Carolina. 

Baltimore -1 at San Francisco: Don't you think John Harbaugh would love to beat the shit out of the team that disrespected his brother?  But, Hell, the Ravens just need a win, period.  They were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, now they're 1-4 and even looking up at, and getting beaten by the McClown Browns.  Ravens playing for pride, now.  Baltimore.  

New York Giants +4 at Philadelphia: Two weeks into the season and it looked like the 2-0 Cowboys were a cinch for the NFC East.  Three weeks and two injuries later, and the shitty Giants and Eagles are playing for first place.  That's the National Parity League, for you.  The Chip Kelly to USC, or Maryland, or Texas or Illinois or South Carolina or wherever rumors end here.  Philadelphia.  

College Football Week 7 Picks

1-4 vs the spread last week, 13-17-1 for the year. . .

Nothing on the field came close to matching the spectacle of the lightning fall of USC head coach Steve *Cutty* Sark-isian.  After Cutty made an intoxicated ass of himself at an August booster event, USC AD Pat Haden quickly looked away, and tried to sweep Cutty Sark's drinking problem under the rug. . .but it couldn't be hidden.  Apparently Cutty's been drunk for months, if not years (stories surfaced today about Cutty's *erratic behavior* while coaching Washington), showing up at practices, team meetings, and even games a cunt hair short of shit-faced.  It all exploded over the weekend, starting with USC's upset loss at home to Cutty's old Washington team.  No doubt seeking relief from the stress of the seat-heating Huskies loss, Cutty must have hit the bottle HARD, for when he showed up the next day for a team meeting, Haden said it was clear Cutty was *not healthy.*  Haden then *asked* Cutty to take an *indefinite leave of absence.*  This *indefinite leave of absence* lasted less than 24 hours, and now Cutty Sark himself has been swept under the rug by Haden, who doubtless wants to *move forward* in an equally lightning fashion.  Sorry, Pat, ain't gonna happen.  Folks are going to want to know how long you knew Cutty was a rummy, and why you didn't *ask* Cutty to take a *leave of absence* back in August after the booster event debacle. 

Will alcoholism become football's new *domestic* issue?  Cutty can't be the only alchy staggering the sidelines. . .    

As for Cutty himself, let's hope he don't walk out of *rehab* in two or three months stating he's *recovered.*  I'm sure Cutty will get enough money in a settlement deal with USC where he won't have to worry about dollars.  Cutty, old boy, you got a perfect chance to do what EVERYBODY needs to do: sit on your ass and reflect on the human condition.  Everybody's a rummy, a bum, a loser, everybody's sweeping something under the rug 24/7, hiding their true self, pretending to *live.*  But Cutty, old boy, you can take the money and go camp out in the desert, stare up at the stars and confront your true condition, embrace it, and then seek answers from above.  Godspeed to you. . .      

Alabama -4.5 at Texas A&M: Neither one of these teams is near as good as they were in 2012, when Johnny Manziel, midget and NFL flop, led A&M to a stunning upset win over the eventual National Champion Crimson Tide.  Alabama's *signature* win over Georgia doesn't look that special after stumblebum Tennessee did the same the following week, and the Aggies still look soft on defense, despite their fancy new defensive coordinator, John *Crybaby* Chavis, who left LSU after whining about Les Miles' shitty offense.  Alabama.     

Michigan State +6.5 at Michigan: Poor Mark Dantonio. . .no matter how many times he beats Michigan, he can never get the recognition he thinks he's due.  He pouted all off season over Harbaugh-mania, then made a snide little comment that East Lansing was the place to be for football in the state of Michigan after the Spartans beat Oregon. . .and now his supposed best team ever, a possible National Champion, is an underdog to Harbaugh--even though the Spartans are undefeated and ranked higher.  He'll rub his players' noses in this *disrespect* all week (I put the over-under on Spartan personal foul penalties at 2.5). . .and if he wins, which he should, he'll gloat in his typical passive-aggressive way.  Michigan's defense has been sensational, with three straight shut-outs. . .but they've come against quarterbacks who throw like girls.  The Spartans' Connor Cook will be the first QB the Wolverines have faced who can challenge their secondary down the field.  Cook should be able to hit just enough deep balls to loosen up Michigan's defense, allowing space for the Spartan ground game.  And that's the winning difference, as Michigan's QB, 5th year senior Iowa transfer Jake Rudock, can't throw the ball more than ten yards.  The Spartans will never have to back off the line of scrimmage, and they should be able to stuff Michigan's collection of plowhorse running backs.  Not only should the Spartans cover, but they should win outright.  But no matter who wins, the post-game coaches handshake might end up stealing the spotlight (remember this, and this?), as Dantonio's massive inferiority complex will make him a much better foil for Harbaugh than Pete Carroll or Jim Schwartz ever were. Michigan State.   

Florida +6 at Louisiana State: Jim McElwain's done a better job at Florida than Harbaugh at Michigan.  He's kept Will Muskrat or whatever's tough defense, but added enough offense to take advantage and get some wins. . .but I don't think this is a good match-up for the Gators.  LSU has a horrible pass offense, much like the Missouri team Florida beat last week, but Missouri couldn't run the ball, either, while LSU averages 7 yards a carry on the ground, led by superstar running back Leonard Fournette, and though Florida has the defense to slow that down a little, they won't be able to stop it enough to keep LSU from winning an ugly, low-scoring game.  LSU.    

Boston College +17.5 at Clemson: I love Dabo Swinney, what a great, classic southern fried football coach. . .and a bigger psycho than Jim Schwartz.  But look out, coach.  This might be one of them *Clemsoning* deals, right here.  Boston College might be the greatest 3-3 team in college football history. . .their defense only allows 140 yards per game. . .an amazing statistic in this era of pinball spread offense football.  How in the Hell is BC only 3-3? Because their offense is as horrible as their defense is great.  They've lost 14-0, 9-7 and 3-0. . .what a tragedy for the Eagle defense.  There doesn't seem to be any way possible BC could actually score enough to win this game. . .except for a *Clemsoning*. . .maybe the BC defense forces a bunch of turnovers, maybe they get a special teams score, maybe Doug Flutie's nephew Troy works a miracle of his own. . .maybe, but probably not.  But with that defense, BC at least should cover.  Boston College.      

Al-Anon +4.5 at Notre Dame: Uh. . .er. . will the Trojans suffer a *hangover* from last week's dud loss to Washington and the resulting dismissal of their drinking buddy coach?  Will they try to win one for the *nipper?*  They might try, but they'll probably fail.  Somebody named Clay Helton has the unenviable task of trying to make a football team out of an Al-Anon group. . .and they won't be able to beat the Irish (kinda funny, Al-Anon playing the Irish in their first *recovery* game) who are focused solely on football, and still have an outside shot at the Playoffs, if they run the table and Clemson does a *Clemsoning.*  Notre Dame.    

Penn State +17.5 at Ohio State: Both teams have played pantywaist schedules, but we know the Buckeyes are great, because they beat Alabama last year, right?  Anyway, Penn State once again has a very good defense and a crappy offense.  In fact, this is kinda the B1G version of BC-Clemson.  PSU defense allows them to cover, but their offense prevents them from winning.  Penn State.