NFL Turkey Week Picks

Ha. . .a lousy 1-5 vs the spread last week, 34-35-2 for the year. . .

Here's this week's rushed Holiday Edition. . .probably have better picks that way, anyway. . .

Philadelphia EVEN at Detroit: Hard to believe, but the Eagles have been playing worse than Dee-troit the last couple weeks.  Chip Kelly is a genius, say the football experts.  So how come all his personnel decisions seem like they were made by a 10 year old transgender boy who plays with Barbies all day and gets squeamish before going to gym class?  The Lions are the National Football League's only franchise who anger their fan base by winning games, as their two game win streak frightens fans into envisioning shitty head coach Jim Caldwell winning 5 or 6 games and saving his job while simultaneously costing the Lions a shot at Joey Bosa or Robert Nkemdiche.  This one will probably be full of turnovers, poor clock management, dumb penalties and even dumber zebra calls.  In overtime: Detroit. 

Carolina +1 at Dallas: Tony Homo comes back, the Cowboys beat a mediocre Miami team, and now they are favored over the undefeated Panthers?  No respect for Ron Rivera.  Carolina.

Tampa Bay +3 at Indianapolis: Lovie Smith finally has Tampa winning a few games.  Rapist Jameis Winston is improving as the season goes along, and Doug Martin is piling up the yards again.  Tampa's actually a better team than the Colts, and they're getting 3 points.  EZ pick:  Tampa Bay.

New York Giants -2.5 at Washington: No way a team coached by Jay Gruden wins a division title, even a shitty division like the NFC East.  Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning vs Jay Gruden and Kirk CousINTs?  EZ Pick:  New York. 

Minnesota +2.5 at Atlanta: Vikings looked flustered in their first game as an NFL heavyweight last week.  Mike Zimmer will fix their nerves. . .but what can he do about tiny QB Teddy Bridgewater, who looks like he's about to break every time he gets sacked?  Atlanta had a disastrous collapse against the ancient Colts, and rookie head coach Dan Quinn is watching a 5-0 start and sure playoff spot slowly slip away.  But check him out in his post game press conference.  He don't seem to realize what just happened.  He talks about the loss like he just had a nice meal and a glass of wine:

I don't know, maybe I'm too old school.  Maybe I seen too many Tom Coughlin pressers, where after losses like the Falcons just suffered, Coughlin would seem exhausted and depressed, weary, full of suicidal sighs and dread at the task of having start all over again on Monday.  Maybe it's because Quinn is a rookie, maybe you got to have 5 or 6 of these kind of losses before they start to wear on you.  But just maybe he seems a little too OK with the loss? And, unlike the impression he wants to convey, maybe he really don't know exactly what went wrong and maybe he really don't know how to fix it?  Maybe Quinn wants to appear confident to his players, doesn't want to seem down or desperate.  But the Falcons better start playing desperate. The Giants usually do after Coughlin hits rock bottom.  Anyway, this game will go a long way to telling whether Quinn's been rightly confident, or blindly delusional.  I'm betting #28 carries the day for the Vikings and sends Quinn and Atlanta straight back to Square One.   Minnesota.      

St. Louis +10 at Cincinnati: After starting 8-0, the Bengals have lost two in a row, with signs Andy Dalton is starting to get skittish, again.  If he was unnerved by J.J. Watt calling him a Toy Red Ryder B.B. Gun, how's he gonna hold up against Jeff Fisher's *dirty* Rams? The Rams are my pick for the NFL's most disappointing team.  They got Todd Gurley going, won some games and got to 4-3 with a real shot at a WC, and then they lose 3 in a row, the last two to the shitty Bears and the shitty Ravens.  And to make matters worse, Fisher pulled a Brady Hoke by claiming not to have seen his QB getting his brains scrambled at the end of the Ravens contest, leaving him in there to fumble away the game.  This looks like the beginning of the end for Fisher.  Bengals will win, but won't cover.  St. Louis.  

Pittsburgh +4 at Seattle: The Steelers are the only AFC team that can keep New England out of the Super Bowl. . .as long as Ben Roethlisberger can stay healthy, but that's no sure bet, as old Big Ben is beginning to look like the Reggie Bush of QBs.  Seattle's held form all year, beating the 5 crappy teams they've played and losing to the 5 good teams they've played.  Nothing changes this week.  Pittsburgh. 

Baltimore +2.5 at Cleveland: Nobody gives a shit about this game, but it provides us a chance to mock the Browns head coach.  One week after stating the midget was his QB for the rest of the season, Mike Pettine looks like the idiot he is, as he has to bench the midget because the midget is, and always will be, a joke.  Why Pettine would trust his team to a joke is beyond me.  Pettine has fucked up the Browns two years running, and he'll be the next coach fired.  What is this, Pettine's 10th QB change in two years?  The Browns are 2-8.  There are no 2-8 talent teams in the National Parity League, teams are 2-8 because of poor coaching, and poor coaching decisions.  As for this turd of a game, on paper the Browns look to be the sure winner: the Ravens lost Joe Flacco, and now have to play Matt *Pick-Six* Schaub, while the Browns actually upgrade from the midget to Crybaby McClown.  But the game won't be played on paper or in some computer simulation.  Pettine will actually have to coach against John Harbaugh.  I'm betting Harbaugh can beat Pettine, even with one Matt Schaub tied behind his back.  Baltimore.