College Football Week 7 Picks

1-4 vs the spread last week, 13-17-1 for the year. . .

Nothing on the field came close to matching the spectacle of the lightning fall of USC head coach Steve *Cutty* Sark-isian.  After Cutty made an intoxicated ass of himself at an August booster event, USC AD Pat Haden quickly looked away, and tried to sweep Cutty Sark's drinking problem under the rug. . .but it couldn't be hidden.  Apparently Cutty's been drunk for months, if not years (stories surfaced today about Cutty's *erratic behavior* while coaching Washington), showing up at practices, team meetings, and even games a cunt hair short of shit-faced.  It all exploded over the weekend, starting with USC's upset loss at home to Cutty's old Washington team.  No doubt seeking relief from the stress of the seat-heating Huskies loss, Cutty must have hit the bottle HARD, for when he showed up the next day for a team meeting, Haden said it was clear Cutty was *not healthy.*  Haden then *asked* Cutty to take an *indefinite leave of absence.*  This *indefinite leave of absence* lasted less than 24 hours, and now Cutty Sark himself has been swept under the rug by Haden, who doubtless wants to *move forward* in an equally lightning fashion.  Sorry, Pat, ain't gonna happen.  Folks are going to want to know how long you knew Cutty was a rummy, and why you didn't *ask* Cutty to take a *leave of absence* back in August after the booster event debacle. 

Will alcoholism become football's new *domestic* issue?  Cutty can't be the only alchy staggering the sidelines. . .    

As for Cutty himself, let's hope he don't walk out of *rehab* in two or three months stating he's *recovered.*  I'm sure Cutty will get enough money in a settlement deal with USC where he won't have to worry about dollars.  Cutty, old boy, you got a perfect chance to do what EVERYBODY needs to do: sit on your ass and reflect on the human condition.  Everybody's a rummy, a bum, a loser, everybody's sweeping something under the rug 24/7, hiding their true self, pretending to *live.*  But Cutty, old boy, you can take the money and go camp out in the desert, stare up at the stars and confront your true condition, embrace it, and then seek answers from above.  Godspeed to you. . .      

Alabama -4.5 at Texas A&M: Neither one of these teams is near as good as they were in 2012, when Johnny Manziel, midget and NFL flop, led A&M to a stunning upset win over the eventual National Champion Crimson Tide.  Alabama's *signature* win over Georgia doesn't look that special after stumblebum Tennessee did the same the following week, and the Aggies still look soft on defense, despite their fancy new defensive coordinator, John *Crybaby* Chavis, who left LSU after whining about Les Miles' shitty offense.  Alabama.     

Michigan State +6.5 at Michigan: Poor Mark Dantonio. . .no matter how many times he beats Michigan, he can never get the recognition he thinks he's due.  He pouted all off season over Harbaugh-mania, then made a snide little comment that East Lansing was the place to be for football in the state of Michigan after the Spartans beat Oregon. . .and now his supposed best team ever, a possible National Champion, is an underdog to Harbaugh--even though the Spartans are undefeated and ranked higher.  He'll rub his players' noses in this *disrespect* all week (I put the over-under on Spartan personal foul penalties at 2.5). . .and if he wins, which he should, he'll gloat in his typical passive-aggressive way.  Michigan's defense has been sensational, with three straight shut-outs. . .but they've come against quarterbacks who throw like girls.  The Spartans' Connor Cook will be the first QB the Wolverines have faced who can challenge their secondary down the field.  Cook should be able to hit just enough deep balls to loosen up Michigan's defense, allowing space for the Spartan ground game.  And that's the winning difference, as Michigan's QB, 5th year senior Iowa transfer Jake Rudock, can't throw the ball more than ten yards.  The Spartans will never have to back off the line of scrimmage, and they should be able to stuff Michigan's collection of plowhorse running backs.  Not only should the Spartans cover, but they should win outright.  But no matter who wins, the post-game coaches handshake might end up stealing the spotlight (remember this, and this?), as Dantonio's massive inferiority complex will make him a much better foil for Harbaugh than Pete Carroll or Jim Schwartz ever were. Michigan State.   

Florida +6 at Louisiana State: Jim McElwain's done a better job at Florida than Harbaugh at Michigan.  He's kept Will Muskrat or whatever's tough defense, but added enough offense to take advantage and get some wins. . .but I don't think this is a good match-up for the Gators.  LSU has a horrible pass offense, much like the Missouri team Florida beat last week, but Missouri couldn't run the ball, either, while LSU averages 7 yards a carry on the ground, led by superstar running back Leonard Fournette, and though Florida has the defense to slow that down a little, they won't be able to stop it enough to keep LSU from winning an ugly, low-scoring game.  LSU.    

Boston College +17.5 at Clemson: I love Dabo Swinney, what a great, classic southern fried football coach. . .and a bigger psycho than Jim Schwartz.  But look out, coach.  This might be one of them *Clemsoning* deals, right here.  Boston College might be the greatest 3-3 team in college football history. . .their defense only allows 140 yards per game. . .an amazing statistic in this era of pinball spread offense football.  How in the Hell is BC only 3-3? Because their offense is as horrible as their defense is great.  They've lost 14-0, 9-7 and 3-0. . .what a tragedy for the Eagle defense.  There doesn't seem to be any way possible BC could actually score enough to win this game. . .except for a *Clemsoning*. . .maybe the BC defense forces a bunch of turnovers, maybe they get a special teams score, maybe Doug Flutie's nephew Troy works a miracle of his own. . .maybe, but probably not.  But with that defense, BC at least should cover.  Boston College.      

Al-Anon +4.5 at Notre Dame: Uh. . .er. . will the Trojans suffer a *hangover* from last week's dud loss to Washington and the resulting dismissal of their drinking buddy coach?  Will they try to win one for the *nipper?*  They might try, but they'll probably fail.  Somebody named Clay Helton has the unenviable task of trying to make a football team out of an Al-Anon group. . .and they won't be able to beat the Irish (kinda funny, Al-Anon playing the Irish in their first *recovery* game) who are focused solely on football, and still have an outside shot at the Playoffs, if they run the table and Clemson does a *Clemsoning.*  Notre Dame.    

Penn State +17.5 at Ohio State: Both teams have played pantywaist schedules, but we know the Buckeyes are great, because they beat Alabama last year, right?  Anyway, Penn State once again has a very good defense and a crappy offense.  In fact, this is kinda the B1G version of BC-Clemson.  PSU defense allows them to cover, but their offense prevents them from winning.  Penn State.