NFL Week 2 Picks

4-4 vs the spread last week. . .best call of the week was the 49ers over the Rams. . .the situation and game went exactly as I foresaw, Todd Gurley had no chance, and now everybody has to be wondering what the Hell Jeff Fisher was thinking with his hopeless QB situation:

There's no need to rush Goff?  HaHa! San Francisco 28, Los Angeles 0, and the EZ money bet this week is Fisher is rushing Goff like a motherfucker!! Uh, Jared made remarkable progress this week in practice, and we feel confident he is ready to lead this team, blah blah blah. . .

Worst call of the week was Atlanta over Tampa Bay.  Dan Quinn got beat by a rookie coach, and once again didn't seem terribly disturbed by his team's poor performance:

We'll give them the credit!  What a good sport, huh?  We played hard, but they were better!  That's the easy way out, that's the pretenders way out, the way of having to avoid saying something difficult, something his players might not like to hear, such as the truth: my team didn't play hard, and they made me look like a wanker against a rookie coach with a mediocre squad.  Hey, Quinn, if you want to last in this business, here's how a real football coach reacts to losing:

So, Quinn, with 8 losses in your last 10 games, time to cut out the phony sportsmanship crap. Give credit to the other team? C'mon! This is the National Fucking Parity League, where 28 of the 32 teams are basically the same.   

New York Jets EVEN at Buffalo: Rex Ryan led the Jets to the AFC title game his first two years as a head coach. . .since then he hasn't had a season with a winning record, and it's been mainly him looking befuddled week-after-week, wondering how his team gets beat despite his great coaching.  Now his former team gets to rub his nose in his own demise.  The Bills couldn't move the ball against Baltimore, and now has to go against an even better Jets defense.  Former Buffalo and still definition of journeyman QB Ryan Fitzpatrick will put just enough points on the board for the Jets to win the Ex-Wife Bowl.  New York.

Cincinnati +3.5 at Pittsburgh: The Negro Coaches Bowl II.  Marvin Lewis wins this one, too.  Pittsburgh looked real pretty against Washington, but the Redskins are a fraud, a shitty NFC version of Indianapolis, a soft team with a fake Andrew Luck QB.  Cincinnati.

Tennessee +5.5 at Detroit: The Mighty Dee-troit Lions are undefeated in the Post-Calvin *Megatron* Johnson era.  While that loser faggot prances around on a television dance show, the new tough Lions get to beat-up another crappy AFC South team.  Detroit.

Baltimore -6.5 at Cleveland: Poor Hue Jackson!  Almost an impossible task, trying to make a winner out of the ShitBrowns.  And having to do it while working his other job as Hillary Clinton's handler?  Man, imagine trying to keep Hillary Clinton's catheter clamp secure so her piss don't spill out at her campaign appearances during the week, and then showing up on Sunday to try to win a football game with the ShitBrowns?  There's got to be easier ways to make a buck, no?  Baltimore. 

Kansas City +2 at Houston: Two of the best teams in the AFC.  The Chiefs played a horrible first half against a shitty San Diego team, particularly on defense, allowing the Chargers crummy running backs to tear through them like Jim Brown.  But they played better the last half, and Alex Smith led a furious comeback to enable KC to avoid an embarrassing home upset.  Houston got what amounts to an extra exhibition game, opening with the sad-sack Bears.  They literally ground out a nine point win, running new halfback Lamar Miller 28 times and chewing up 37 minutes of the clock.  The Chiefs will have to play decent run defense from beginning to end if they want to win this one.  Kansas City.   

Tampa Bay +6.5 at Arizona: The rapist Jameis Winston is developing into an effective NFL quarterback, one capable of putting up lots of points on the scoreboard and leading a team into playoff contention.  And the more Winston succeeds, the closer he comes to being the man he truly is: a negro destined for a jail cell.  As Winston's damaged brain grasps the last intricacies of professional football, his mind becomes free to spit up the filthy lusts of his unconscious, both material and sexual.  With every touchdown pass he throws, white women should become more nervous of their vaginal and anal safety.  As for the match-up, Arizona flubbed a winnable home game against the Patriots in Week One, and now have to fret over back-to-back home losses that would leave them in a rough to escape 0-2 hole.  The Cardinals under Bruce Arians are usually one step ahead of their opponents, but they looked strangely unprepared Sunday night.  Was it an aberration, or a sign of decline?  Tampa Bay. 

Atlanta +5 at Oakland: The Falcons started the season in about the worst way possible, losing a division home game.  While Dan Quinn was wandering the sideline admiring how well Tampa played against his Falcons, Raiders coach Jack Del Rio was coaching to win for 60 minutes, and after his players rallied from a 14 point deficit, he showed max faith in them, calling for a two point conversion, turning the contest into a one play win-or-lose game.  Oakland wins, and now returns home sky-high to face a Falcons team comfortable with losing. Neither team's defense is any good, but the Raiders will to win is stronger, and they'll make the necessary three or four plays that make the difference between winning and losing in the National Football Parity League.  Oakland.   

Green Bay -2.5 at Minnesota: The Vikings won ugly over a bad Tennessee squad as their defense scored two touchdowns. . .and that's how Minny will have to win this year.  The question is how long the Vikings D can hold up before it cracks from having to shoulder the whole load.  Green Bay was fortunate to escape Jacksonville with a win, their offense looked as stale as it did last year, with Aaron Rodgers again looking fairly ordinary as a nickel-and-dime quarterback. . .the return of Jordy Nelson didn't give the offense a boost, as the former deep threat averaged a pathetic 5.3 yards per catch.  Still, this is a game you would think GB should win, and opening with two road wins would set them up for a nice season. . .BUT. . .I just don't think the Pack is all that.  Minnesota. 

BONUS COLLEGE PICKS

Alabama -10.5 at Mississippi: Can Hugh Freeze, known more for buying recruits than for coaching skills, really do what only Lloyd Carr could do, beat the great Nick Saban three years in a row??  Saban seemed like he had more than Western Kentucky on his mind last week, as he gave Lane Kiffen an *ass chewing* near the end of the game on the sideline.  Was he already worried about the trip to Ole Miss?  Has bagman Hugh Freeze gotten into Saban's head??  Mississippi had Florida State for the taking in Week One, then their defense collapsed in the second half, and they got buried by FSU's redshirt freshman QB.  The Rebels seem headed for NCAA sanctioned oblivion, so this may be their one last day in the sun. . .take the points.  Mississippi.

Ohio State -2 at Oklahoma: The Sooners looked sloppy as shit in their Week One loss to the Urban Meyer acolyte coached Houston Cougars, a trend which is increasing in frequency in Bob Stoops last years.  The Buckeyes have demolished two tomato cans, so it's hard to gauge how good they are (or aren't).  If Oklahoma loses, their season is over after just three weeks, so there ought to be some urgency and precision in their play. . .ought to be. . .and they have a night game home field advantage. . .still, next to Alabama, Ohio State is as close as there is to a perfect winning machine in college football. . .Oklahoma just can't play disciplined enough for long enough to beat the Bucks.  Ohio State.