NFL Week 1 Picks

Green Bay -5.5 at Jacksonville: Aaron Rodgers looked *only* like a good quarterback last year. . .he didn't have Jordy Nelson to stretch the field. . .but still. . .that can't have been the only reason Rodgers took a dip.  Tom Brady didn't have a deep threat, and he still looked like an All-Time Great. The whole Packer offense looked stale (and Eddie Lacy looked fat), and I don't think a gimpy Jordy Nelson solves all their problems. And what's all this *celebrity* shit surrounding Rodgers?  The Hollywood shemale girlfriend, his celebrity-wannabe brother?  Too much TMZ around Rodgers.  Jacksonville has fresh talent on offense, a decent pass rush. . .if they can improve their leaky secondary, they might actually be a mediocre 7-9 to 9-7 wild card sniffer.  Jacksonville.  

Cleveland +3.5 at Philadelphia: Carson Wentz sucks.  He's a minor college QB who had accuracy problems against the likes of Jacksonville State.  And he barely played in the preseason, so even though the Browns suck, they should wipe the mat with the Eagles' unprepared rookie QB.  And they're getting 3.5?  The Browns should be an EZ pick.  But. . .Psycho Jim Schwartz' defense can make RGIII look as shitty as Wentz. . .but. . .the Brownies are still getting 3.5. . .they could lose 3-0 and still cover.  Cleveland.  

Tampa Bay +3 at Atlanta: Somebody named Dirk Koetter is the Bucs new coach, because he's supposed to be an *offensive genius.*  He did a nice job last year as the OC babying along rapist Jameis Winston, and by the end of the year Tampa looked like a professional offense. . .so the Bucs figured they'd better shit-can Lovie Smith before some other team came along and stole their Genius.  But. . .did anybody else really want him?  How smart do you have to be to tell rapist Winston to toss it up to Mike Evans?  I'm betting the Koetter Bucs end up looking a lot like the faggot *offensive genius* Marc Trestman Bears of 2013 and 2014. . .an undisciplined squad that will score a few points. . .and have a quitters defense that resents having their defensive minded coach tossed into the shitter.  The Falcons should be the first team to pile up the points against Tampa.  Atlanta.

Minnesota -2.5 at Tennessee: Mike Zimmer is one of the Top 5 coaches in the league. . .and he's so sure of himself, he thinks he can win with Samantha Bradford (maybe he should have consulted with another self-confident coach, Chip Kelly, who thought the same?). . .and he's so sure of himself, he gave up a #1 pick for the fragile Samantha.  If Zimmer makes the playoffs with Bradford, he's the Coach of the Decade.  The Vikings defense should keep them in most of the early season games, until they become disheartened by Bradford's inept play.  As for this game, if Tennessee sticks to the run with their two-headed RB crew of Demarco Murray and Derrick Henry, they can wear down the Vikings and win late.  Tennessee.   

Oakland +1.5 at New Orleans: The Saints are a year older than the mediocre crew they've been the last few years.  That means lots and lots of meaningless passing yards and records for Drew Brees, who inherits Peyton Manning's Fantasy Football legacy, and lots and lots of team losses.  The Raiders have good young players on both sides of the ball. . .no excuses this year for Jack Del Rio. . .time for the Raiders to win some games.  Oakland.

Detroit +3.5 at Indianapolis: The Lions won 7 games last year, and the *experts* pick them to be worse this year.  Why?  True, the offensive line is shitty, but it was shitty last year, too. . .but the defense has better talent, so why are the Lions pegged to be a 3 - 6 win team?  They lost Calvin *Megatron* Johnson!  Ha!  What a reason!  The *experts* never watched many Lions games, because *Megatron's* stats were primarily piled up in Garbage Time games.  When games mattered, or were on the line, Johnson was invisible. . .unless he was fumbling the game away:

Indianapolis is back with another soft squad led by NFL Poster Boy QB Andrew Luck, so it's possible the Lions will get screwed on a horseshit zebra call late in the game.  That's the only way they don't win.  Detroit.

Los Angeles -2.5 at San Francisco: The only game with worse quarterbacking than the Browns - Eagles.  How is it possible Jeff Fisher is back without a better QB than what he had last year?  #1 pick Jared Goff looked horrible in preseason, and couldn't even beat out Case Keenum!  Poor Todd Gurley. . .he's gonna have to run against nine in the box all year. The 49ers lousy Blaine Gabbert is actually the best QB in this game. . .the only other time all year that will happen is in the rematch.  I'm shocked any road team starting Case Keenum can actually be the favorite.  Bet the house the other way.  San Francisco.  

Season Preview

Division Winners:

AFC East: New England
AFC North: Cincinnati
AFC South: Houston
AFC West: Oakland
AFC Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, New York Jets

NFC East: New York
NFC North: Detroit
NFC South: Carolina
NFC West: Arizona 
NFC Wild Cards: Seattle, Atlanta

AFC Flop of the Year: Indianapolis
NFC Flop of the Year: Green Bay

Super Bowl: Arizona over Cincinnati