NFL Week 4 Picks

3-2 vs the spread last week, 11-12 for the year. . .

Seattle EVEN at New York Jets: Seattle is 2-1, the Jets are 1-2.  Seattle has played a tomato can schedule, the Jets have played actual football teams.  I wouldn't hesitate to pick the Jets, even though their pass defense has been surprisingly bad, except Ryan Fitzpatrick, the All-Time Journeyman QB, looked like Matt Schaub on bath salts last week, tossing 6 INTs against KC.  Now he goes against the Seahawks?  This should be an ugly, low-scoring game, and I pick the Jets simply because of the turnover Law of Averages factor.  New York Jets.

Carolina -3 at Atlanta: Huh??  Again Atlanta getting points??  This time at home??  This line has to be based on last year's Panthers, but. . .that was then, and this is now. ..and while the Carolina D has still been pretty good, Cam Newton has fallen off Big Time, he's playing like Wayne Newton (I don't know what that means, other than Cam's playing like half-a-faggot, with his mind maybe more on Negro Lives Matter paranoia than football, which kinda reminds me of half-a-faggot Wayne Newton and his weird mafia paranoia):

But anyway, the Falcons offense is #1 in points and yards, and while their defense is still crap, unless Cam gets his mind off dead negroes, ain't no way Carolina can score enough to hang with the Falcons.  Two straight weeks Atlanta is EZ money.  Atlanta. 

Oakland +3.5 at Baltimore: The Ravens are the worst 3-0 team in the history of the National Football League. . .their offense is trash, they can't run the ball and Joe Flacco has more INTs than TDs.  They've won all their games because of their field goal kicker and their defense, which is ranked #2. . .but something tells me that's more because of the tomato cans they've played.  The Ravens have played, BY FAR, the EZist schedule in the League, their first three opponents having a combined 1-8 record.  So that means the Ravens are the Iowa Hawkeyes of the NFL.  The Raiders are a shaky 2-1, their play varies not only by game, but by quarter in each game.  They can look like a Super Bowl team for 10 or 15 minutes, then like the 2008 Detroit Lions for the next 10 or 15 minutes.  If the Raiders play football for 60 solid minutes, they'll win this by 14+. . .but if even they don't, even if they play their typical yo-yo game and try to give it away, the Ravens simply don't have enough to win by more than 3 points.  Oakland.   

Detroit -3 at Chicago: Uggh.  Two 98 lb weaklings trying to kick sand in each other's face, but the Windy City wind will blow the sand right back into their own eyes. . .22 football players stumbling around blind.  Horrible game.  Half the Lions defense is injured, which means we'll see the good 1st half of 2014 Brian Hoyer, and not the 2015 AFC Wild Card Game Brian Hoyer.  The Lions have beaten the Bears 6 straight times, and already have a win on the season, so the Law of Averages in this pillow fight favors the winless Bears.  Chicago.   

Denver -3 at Tampa Bay: Mediocre home team held down by shitty defense plays superior team with only a pedestrian offense that can't take advantage of home team's weakness, perfect match-up for an UPSET SPECIAL.  Tampa Bay.  

Los Angeles +8 at Arizona: The Rams looked like the worst team in the National Football League in Week 1, somehow getting waxed 28-0 by the terrible 49ers. . .now two weeks later they are 2-1 and Arizona, a supposed Elite team, is 1-2 and somehow got hammered by Rex Ryan's hapless Bills, making Rex's scapegoating move of firing his OC actually look inspired. . .for one improbable week, anyway.  Carson Palmer looks washed-up, for about the 3rd or 4th time in his career. . .will he bounce back, once again?  Or is he really finished this time?  Can anybody explain how the Rams managed to beat Seattle and Tampa with Case Keenum as their QB, and Todd Gurley averaging less than 3 yards a carry?  Neither of these teams makes any sense, so take the generous 8 points.  Los Angeles.

BONUS COLLEGE PICK:

Texas +2.5 at Oklahoma State: Texas squeaked out an overtime home win against Notre Dame in Week 1, and Media screamed TEXAS IS BACK!  This is all about Media babying negro head coaches.  Look, can you imagine Media ever lampooning negro Texas coach Charlie Strong the way they did Les Miles?  Les Miles, who won 77% of his games, and a National Championship?  Les was always just lucky, or a good recruiter, never a good coach.  Negro Strong, who can't win, isn't a bad coach, it's all Mack Brown's fault. . .Mack left the cupboard bare, Media says.  That was three fucking years ago!!  And Negro Strong gets a free pass for cheating on his wife, but white boy coaches like Bobby Petrino and Art Briles will always have a cloud over their head. Anyway, TEXAS IS BACK with their genius negro coach will be back to .500 after losing this game.  Oklahoma State. 

NFL Week 3 Picks

4-6 vs the spread last week, 8-10 for the year. . .

Arizona -4 at Buffalo: The Bills defense was horrible against the Jets.  Mediocre Ryan Fitzpatrick looked like the Mad Bomber Daryle Lamonica, completing one deep pass after another, many of them against the suddenly crappy Darrelle Revis.  So what was Rex Ryan's genius idea to fix things?  Fire the Offensive Coordinator!  And leave his slob brother Rob in charge of the defense!  Now comes an even better deep passing attack, the Cardinals. No hope for the Bills.    There is hope for Rex, though.  He should make an entertaining addition to one of the many Sunday pregame shows next season.  Arizona.

Cleveland +9.5 at Miami: An early season Toilet Bowl. . .both teams are led by rookie coaches, and one of them gets his first win by scheduling luck.  The Browns have another injured quarterback. . .but does it really matter?  All their quarterbacks since 1999 have been shitty, so now they got Cody Kessler?  Same as the midget or Hoyer or Tim Couch or any of them.  The Browns should just have one standard jersey for all their quarterbacks, it would save their equipment manager a lot of trouble.  If Miami can't win this game, Adam Gase instantly becomes the worst coach in the NFL.  Miami.

Detroit +8 at Green Bay: The Lions were flagged 17 times in their give-away loss to the Titans last week, including back-to-back touchdown plays, and QB Matthew Stafford threw a bonehead game-ending INT.  So: Same Old Lions.  Green Bay ain't Same Old Green Bay, though.  They look like just another team, and Aaron Rodgers looked like Matthew Stafford with his crappy game-ending INT against the Vikings.  Most folks would give the Packers the benefit of the doubt, given their overall excellence of the last 15 years or so. . .but not me. . .that was then, and this is now. . .and this is a game between two stumbling football teams.  Take the points.  Detroit. 

BONUS LIONS - PACKERS, FAGGOT EDITION: So really, why has Aaron Rodgers play declined so markedly last year and the first two game this year?  Is he really a faggot whose personal life, meaning the attempt to hide his faggotry, become so complicated, and such a hassle (the fake celebrity girlfriend thing is a time-consuming chore, and has now infected his brother) that he can no longer give football the focus he used to?  This theory is given support by the following AGC blind item:

Pittsburgh -3.5 at Philadelphia: Carson Wentz is getting all the headlines in the Eagles turnaround, but the real reason for Philly's success is Jim Schwartz.  Psycho Jim had mixed results as a head coach in Dee-troit, but the sonofabitch is without peer as a Defensive Coordinator.  Philadelphia. 

Atlanta +3 at New Orleans: New Orleans sucks. Even their offense isn't very good, anymore.   Atlanta's getting points?  Ha ha!  That's like taking candy from a baby!  Atlanta.

NFL Week 2 Picks

4-4 vs the spread last week. . .best call of the week was the 49ers over the Rams. . .the situation and game went exactly as I foresaw, Todd Gurley had no chance, and now everybody has to be wondering what the Hell Jeff Fisher was thinking with his hopeless QB situation:

There's no need to rush Goff?  HaHa! San Francisco 28, Los Angeles 0, and the EZ money bet this week is Fisher is rushing Goff like a motherfucker!! Uh, Jared made remarkable progress this week in practice, and we feel confident he is ready to lead this team, blah blah blah. . .

Worst call of the week was Atlanta over Tampa Bay.  Dan Quinn got beat by a rookie coach, and once again didn't seem terribly disturbed by his team's poor performance:

We'll give them the credit!  What a good sport, huh?  We played hard, but they were better!  That's the easy way out, that's the pretenders way out, the way of having to avoid saying something difficult, something his players might not like to hear, such as the truth: my team didn't play hard, and they made me look like a wanker against a rookie coach with a mediocre squad.  Hey, Quinn, if you want to last in this business, here's how a real football coach reacts to losing:

So, Quinn, with 8 losses in your last 10 games, time to cut out the phony sportsmanship crap. Give credit to the other team? C'mon! This is the National Fucking Parity League, where 28 of the 32 teams are basically the same.   

New York Jets EVEN at Buffalo: Rex Ryan led the Jets to the AFC title game his first two years as a head coach. . .since then he hasn't had a season with a winning record, and it's been mainly him looking befuddled week-after-week, wondering how his team gets beat despite his great coaching.  Now his former team gets to rub his nose in his own demise.  The Bills couldn't move the ball against Baltimore, and now has to go against an even better Jets defense.  Former Buffalo and still definition of journeyman QB Ryan Fitzpatrick will put just enough points on the board for the Jets to win the Ex-Wife Bowl.  New York.

Cincinnati +3.5 at Pittsburgh: The Negro Coaches Bowl II.  Marvin Lewis wins this one, too.  Pittsburgh looked real pretty against Washington, but the Redskins are a fraud, a shitty NFC version of Indianapolis, a soft team with a fake Andrew Luck QB.  Cincinnati.

Tennessee +5.5 at Detroit: The Mighty Dee-troit Lions are undefeated in the Post-Calvin *Megatron* Johnson era.  While that loser faggot prances around on a television dance show, the new tough Lions get to beat-up another crappy AFC South team.  Detroit.

Baltimore -6.5 at Cleveland: Poor Hue Jackson!  Almost an impossible task, trying to make a winner out of the ShitBrowns.  And having to do it while working his other job as Hillary Clinton's handler?  Man, imagine trying to keep Hillary Clinton's catheter clamp secure so her piss don't spill out at her campaign appearances during the week, and then showing up on Sunday to try to win a football game with the ShitBrowns?  There's got to be easier ways to make a buck, no?  Baltimore. 

Kansas City +2 at Houston: Two of the best teams in the AFC.  The Chiefs played a horrible first half against a shitty San Diego team, particularly on defense, allowing the Chargers crummy running backs to tear through them like Jim Brown.  But they played better the last half, and Alex Smith led a furious comeback to enable KC to avoid an embarrassing home upset.  Houston got what amounts to an extra exhibition game, opening with the sad-sack Bears.  They literally ground out a nine point win, running new halfback Lamar Miller 28 times and chewing up 37 minutes of the clock.  The Chiefs will have to play decent run defense from beginning to end if they want to win this one.  Kansas City.   

Tampa Bay +6.5 at Arizona: The rapist Jameis Winston is developing into an effective NFL quarterback, one capable of putting up lots of points on the scoreboard and leading a team into playoff contention.  And the more Winston succeeds, the closer he comes to being the man he truly is: a negro destined for a jail cell.  As Winston's damaged brain grasps the last intricacies of professional football, his mind becomes free to spit up the filthy lusts of his unconscious, both material and sexual.  With every touchdown pass he throws, white women should become more nervous of their vaginal and anal safety.  As for the match-up, Arizona flubbed a winnable home game against the Patriots in Week One, and now have to fret over back-to-back home losses that would leave them in a rough to escape 0-2 hole.  The Cardinals under Bruce Arians are usually one step ahead of their opponents, but they looked strangely unprepared Sunday night.  Was it an aberration, or a sign of decline?  Tampa Bay. 

Atlanta +5 at Oakland: The Falcons started the season in about the worst way possible, losing a division home game.  While Dan Quinn was wandering the sideline admiring how well Tampa played against his Falcons, Raiders coach Jack Del Rio was coaching to win for 60 minutes, and after his players rallied from a 14 point deficit, he showed max faith in them, calling for a two point conversion, turning the contest into a one play win-or-lose game.  Oakland wins, and now returns home sky-high to face a Falcons team comfortable with losing. Neither team's defense is any good, but the Raiders will to win is stronger, and they'll make the necessary three or four plays that make the difference between winning and losing in the National Football Parity League.  Oakland.   

Green Bay -2.5 at Minnesota: The Vikings won ugly over a bad Tennessee squad as their defense scored two touchdowns. . .and that's how Minny will have to win this year.  The question is how long the Vikings D can hold up before it cracks from having to shoulder the whole load.  Green Bay was fortunate to escape Jacksonville with a win, their offense looked as stale as it did last year, with Aaron Rodgers again looking fairly ordinary as a nickel-and-dime quarterback. . .the return of Jordy Nelson didn't give the offense a boost, as the former deep threat averaged a pathetic 5.3 yards per catch.  Still, this is a game you would think GB should win, and opening with two road wins would set them up for a nice season. . .BUT. . .I just don't think the Pack is all that.  Minnesota. 

BONUS COLLEGE PICKS

Alabama -10.5 at Mississippi: Can Hugh Freeze, known more for buying recruits than for coaching skills, really do what only Lloyd Carr could do, beat the great Nick Saban three years in a row??  Saban seemed like he had more than Western Kentucky on his mind last week, as he gave Lane Kiffen an *ass chewing* near the end of the game on the sideline.  Was he already worried about the trip to Ole Miss?  Has bagman Hugh Freeze gotten into Saban's head??  Mississippi had Florida State for the taking in Week One, then their defense collapsed in the second half, and they got buried by FSU's redshirt freshman QB.  The Rebels seem headed for NCAA sanctioned oblivion, so this may be their one last day in the sun. . .take the points.  Mississippi.

Ohio State -2 at Oklahoma: The Sooners looked sloppy as shit in their Week One loss to the Urban Meyer acolyte coached Houston Cougars, a trend which is increasing in frequency in Bob Stoops last years.  The Buckeyes have demolished two tomato cans, so it's hard to gauge how good they are (or aren't).  If Oklahoma loses, their season is over after just three weeks, so there ought to be some urgency and precision in their play. . .ought to be. . .and they have a night game home field advantage. . .still, next to Alabama, Ohio State is as close as there is to a perfect winning machine in college football. . .Oklahoma just can't play disciplined enough for long enough to beat the Bucks.  Ohio State.

NFL Week 1 Picks, 1.1

I missed this one:

Cincinnati -2.5 at New York Jets: The Negro Bowl, as two of the AFC's best teams battle it out despite being led by black coaches.  The Bengals probably have the premier roster in football, loaded with *stars* on both sides of the ball.  They make the playoffs every year. . .and then trip on a blade of FieldTurf.  What's the problem?  Why can't Marvin Lewis, the Greatest Colored Coach of All-Time (if you don't consider Tom Flores colored) win a Super Bowl, like lesser-negro coaches Tony Dungy and Mike Tomlin?  Is the problem Lewis?  His QB Andy Dalton?  Bad luck?  Just fate?  I don't know. . .but I think this is the year for Marvin Lewis. . .Denver has a mediocre QB, the Pats start with a 4 game handicap, the Steelers have almost as much talent, but their QB is punchy, and their running back is usually either suspended or injured. . .the field is clear for the Bengals in the AFC.  As for the Jets, they have a Super Bowl defense. . .and a Dollar General Bowl offense, headed by fruitcake-looking QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, who seems to be the Jets QB only because he was best-looking fat girl left at last call.  Cincinnati.

NFL Week 1 Picks

Green Bay -5.5 at Jacksonville: Aaron Rodgers looked *only* like a good quarterback last year. . .he didn't have Jordy Nelson to stretch the field. . .but still. . .that can't have been the only reason Rodgers took a dip.  Tom Brady didn't have a deep threat, and he still looked like an All-Time Great. The whole Packer offense looked stale (and Eddie Lacy looked fat), and I don't think a gimpy Jordy Nelson solves all their problems. And what's all this *celebrity* shit surrounding Rodgers?  The Hollywood shemale girlfriend, his celebrity-wannabe brother?  Too much TMZ around Rodgers.  Jacksonville has fresh talent on offense, a decent pass rush. . .if they can improve their leaky secondary, they might actually be a mediocre 7-9 to 9-7 wild card sniffer.  Jacksonville.  

Cleveland +3.5 at Philadelphia: Carson Wentz sucks.  He's a minor college QB who had accuracy problems against the likes of Jacksonville State.  And he barely played in the preseason, so even though the Browns suck, they should wipe the mat with the Eagles' unprepared rookie QB.  And they're getting 3.5?  The Browns should be an EZ pick.  But. . .Psycho Jim Schwartz' defense can make RGIII look as shitty as Wentz. . .but. . .the Brownies are still getting 3.5. . .they could lose 3-0 and still cover.  Cleveland.  

Tampa Bay +3 at Atlanta: Somebody named Dirk Koetter is the Bucs new coach, because he's supposed to be an *offensive genius.*  He did a nice job last year as the OC babying along rapist Jameis Winston, and by the end of the year Tampa looked like a professional offense. . .so the Bucs figured they'd better shit-can Lovie Smith before some other team came along and stole their Genius.  But. . .did anybody else really want him?  How smart do you have to be to tell rapist Winston to toss it up to Mike Evans?  I'm betting the Koetter Bucs end up looking a lot like the faggot *offensive genius* Marc Trestman Bears of 2013 and 2014. . .an undisciplined squad that will score a few points. . .and have a quitters defense that resents having their defensive minded coach tossed into the shitter.  The Falcons should be the first team to pile up the points against Tampa.  Atlanta.

Minnesota -2.5 at Tennessee: Mike Zimmer is one of the Top 5 coaches in the league. . .and he's so sure of himself, he thinks he can win with Samantha Bradford (maybe he should have consulted with another self-confident coach, Chip Kelly, who thought the same?). . .and he's so sure of himself, he gave up a #1 pick for the fragile Samantha.  If Zimmer makes the playoffs with Bradford, he's the Coach of the Decade.  The Vikings defense should keep them in most of the early season games, until they become disheartened by Bradford's inept play.  As for this game, if Tennessee sticks to the run with their two-headed RB crew of Demarco Murray and Derrick Henry, they can wear down the Vikings and win late.  Tennessee.   

Oakland +1.5 at New Orleans: The Saints are a year older than the mediocre crew they've been the last few years.  That means lots and lots of meaningless passing yards and records for Drew Brees, who inherits Peyton Manning's Fantasy Football legacy, and lots and lots of team losses.  The Raiders have good young players on both sides of the ball. . .no excuses this year for Jack Del Rio. . .time for the Raiders to win some games.  Oakland.

Detroit +3.5 at Indianapolis: The Lions won 7 games last year, and the *experts* pick them to be worse this year.  Why?  True, the offensive line is shitty, but it was shitty last year, too. . .but the defense has better talent, so why are the Lions pegged to be a 3 - 6 win team?  They lost Calvin *Megatron* Johnson!  Ha!  What a reason!  The *experts* never watched many Lions games, because *Megatron's* stats were primarily piled up in Garbage Time games.  When games mattered, or were on the line, Johnson was invisible. . .unless he was fumbling the game away:

Indianapolis is back with another soft squad led by NFL Poster Boy QB Andrew Luck, so it's possible the Lions will get screwed on a horseshit zebra call late in the game.  That's the only way they don't win.  Detroit.

Los Angeles -2.5 at San Francisco: The only game with worse quarterbacking than the Browns - Eagles.  How is it possible Jeff Fisher is back without a better QB than what he had last year?  #1 pick Jared Goff looked horrible in preseason, and couldn't even beat out Case Keenum!  Poor Todd Gurley. . .he's gonna have to run against nine in the box all year. The 49ers lousy Blaine Gabbert is actually the best QB in this game. . .the only other time all year that will happen is in the rematch.  I'm shocked any road team starting Case Keenum can actually be the favorite.  Bet the house the other way.  San Francisco.  

Season Preview

Division Winners:

AFC East: New England
AFC North: Cincinnati
AFC South: Houston
AFC West: Oakland
AFC Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, New York Jets

NFC East: New York
NFC North: Detroit
NFC South: Carolina
NFC West: Arizona 
NFC Wild Cards: Seattle, Atlanta

AFC Flop of the Year: Indianapolis
NFC Flop of the Year: Green Bay

Super Bowl: Arizona over Cincinnati