NFL Week 5 Picks

3-2 vs the spread last week, 14-14-1 for the year. . .with the hi-lite being the Lions fumbling away a win in Seattle in a game that becomes an instant classic Lions loss, a game every true Lion fan sensed would be lost as soon as it seemed to the *general viewing public* that they would win.  For the long-time Lion fan, as the Lions improbably marched 91 yards downfield, after doing absolutely nothing for the first 55 minutes of the game against the Seahawks celebrated defense, it became a matter of deciding which Lion would turn into a goat. . .I guess it's fitting that it was Calvin Johnson, the aging *Megatron,* a guy who has never really made a significant play in nine years in the National Football League, a guy who is most famous for an another classic Lion loss, with his non-catch td catch against the Bears in 2010, bringing the then unknown *process of the catch rule* to the football nation's attention. . .fitting because once again a Johnson end-game fuck-up for a loss is attached to a zebra controversy, as the League's incompetent officials wrongly awarded the fumbled ball to Seattle after a Seahawk illegally batted it out of the end zone.

Well, Lion head coach Jim Caldwell, in just his second year of Dee-troit football, hasn't quite yet realized what he's gotten himself into.  He had a nice 11-5 run in Year 1, but the football gods were just sand-bagging him, setting him up for a classic Lion playoff loss, the *home cookin'* Cowboy-friendly zebra pass interfence/uh, what pass interference? call. . .and Caldwell has lost every game since.

Look at the poor bastard, trying to come to grips with being Lion-ized:

  

He says he's not gonna cry about it, then two seconds later he is crying about it.  Well, he's still learning the true essence of Dee-troit football, which is that losing is more rewarding than winning.  So what if *Megatron* had finally made a clutch play and the Lions had won?  They'd be 1-3, still shitty, and would have robbed themselves and their fans of yet another soul-cleansing loss.

Jim Caldwell doesn't understand Dee-troit's place in the football universe.  Dee-troit is the League's #1 antagonist, playing just-well enough to let the winners think they've accomplished something.  Look at the Seahawks and their fans at end of the Monday night game, hoopin'-an-a-hollerin' as if they'd just done something magnificent, instead of just being gifted a squeaker win over a shitty football team.  FAKE! EZ!  And they owe all it to Dee-troit.  

Fuck New England and their glamor boy QB and all their fucking Super Bowls, that's EZ.  They eat ice cream every year.  The Dee-troit Lions and their fans have been beaten every way possible for sixty straight years. . .and we're still here.  That old greaseball Packer coach Vince Lombardi said winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.  Fucking idiot.  Mike Tyson was much wiser, saying you must go from the worst to reach the best.  The Dee-troit Lions are holding steady on that straight-and-narrow path. . . 

[One more thing about *Megatron:* Like Barry Sanders, he'll go his whole career without a Super Bowl. . .but unlike Barry, he cannot be considered one of the all-time greats at his position.  Despite not really coming close to a championship, Sanders can still arguably be called the greatest running back of all time, because there were PLENTY of games in which he single-leggedly carried the Lions to victories over far better teams.  In nine years, Calvin Johnson has never gained Detroit a victory over a superior team.  Never.  Calvin Johnson will be remembered as the NFL's All-Time Greatest Garbage Time Receiver.] 

   

Seattle +1 at Cincinnati: The Bengals look like the best team in the National Football League not quarterbacked by a Brady or a Rodgers.  Andy Dalton hasn't had a panic attack through four games, and the Bengals defense probably has better talent than Seattle's, and they must have loved looking at the tape of a mediocre Detroit defense knocking Russell Wilson around.  Seattle's offense is strictly schoolyard, dependent upon Wilson's ability to turn broken plays into big gainers.  Works against Lions, but not against Bengals.  Cincinnati.  

Washington +8 at Atlanta: At 2-2, the Redskins are a bigger surprise than the 4-0 Falcons, because Atlanta actually has a roster with some decent players, and a head coach who knows what to do with them.  Jay Gruden is one of the worst coaches in the League, and Kirk Cousins is as shitty a starting QB as there is (not named Mallet, anyway).  Atlanta.  

New Orleans +5.5 at Philadelphia: Samantha Bradford has been a disaster (if Chip Kelly is so smart, how come he didn't know, like everybody else, what a lousy QB Bradford was in St. Louis?), and Demarco Murray has gained only 47 yards in four games (30 of them on one carry).  Everything Kelly did in the offseason has backfired, and a player mutiny will occur if the Eagles lose to the over-the-hill Saints, who got a lucky win over Half-Dallas last week.  They might as well call this match-up of two sinking ships The Titanic Bowl.  Who gets the lifeboat?  New Orleans.  

St. Louis +10.5 at Green Bay: Now that Todd Gurley has been unleashed, will Jeff Fisher's Rams finally become a winner?  They have the pass rush to bother Aaron Rodgers, but their run defense has been a little soft.  If the Rams can hold down Eddie Lacy, they should be able to cover. . .the only team Green Bay has beaten by more than 10 is the 49ers, and the Rams are a helluva lot better than them.  St. Louis. 

Arizona -3 at Detroit: The Lions have lost their last six games against the Cardinals, with five of them played out in the desert. . .now Arizona comes to Ford Field to play the National Football League's only win-less team, who in week 4 became the first team in League history to lose on an illegal touchback--but that's Dee-troit football. . .find the most obscure rules in the book, and use them, legally or illegally, to fuck over the Lions.  This Sunday, the Lions will be leading Arizona by 6 late in the game, and will try a field goal to take a two score lead. . .the Lions kicker will bang one off the goalpost, but the zebras will allow a Cardinal to return the dead ball for a game-winning td.  Arizona.