NFL Week 8 Picks

4-3 vs the spread last week, 23-23-1 for the year. . .

Miami +8 at New England: New rah-rah interim coach Dan Campbell must think he's Knute Rockne. . .that'll happen to a guy who coaches against tomato cans every week.  But now *Tomato Can* Campbell has to coach against the Patriots, so let's see what happens.  The Patriots are 6-0, but they had a strange win over the Jets last week, not even pretending to try to run the ball. . .QB Tom Brady had 15 of the team's 16 meager rushing yards. Miami's Donkeykong Suh got his first two sacks of the season last week, and his buddies added six more, and you wonder if the Pats can get away with throwing on every down against a rejuvenated Dolphins pass rush.  I bet against the Dolphins last week, and it was 41-zip at halftime. Won't be the same this week, but I'll take the points. Miami.

Detroit +5 vs Kansas City (in London): The sad sack Lions musta seen what the Dolphins did, fire their coach and then turn around and have two blow-out wins, and they figured, gee, maybe that shit will work for us.  A couple problems. . .first, the Lions didn't fire their head coach, like the Dolphins, they kept Jim Caldwell and made offensive coordinator Joe Lombardi the scapegoat.  Typical Lions, going about things half-assed.  Hell, worse than half-assed, since the guy the Lions promoted to OC is ol' Jim Bob Cooter, the nut case who was arrested in 2009 for breaking into a woman's apartment, stripping down to his underwear, and climbing into bed with her.  I mean, this guy couldn't pass a background check to get a job mopping floors in a high school, yet he can make six figures drawing squiggly lines in the NFL?  The League is a world unto itself.  Anyway, what's this goofball gonna be able to teach Matthew Stafford, other than the naked bootleg?  Also, the Dolphins fired their coach on a bye week, giving the team a couple weeks to adjust, while the Lions made their change the week BEFORE their bye week. . .in fact, they shit-canned Lombardi just a couple hours before the team boarded their plane to London. . .uh, the timing on these moves might be just a little off, so don't expect much from the *new look* Lions. . .if they can get Cooter back into the United States without him causing an embarrassing international incident, they'll have their *moral* victory.  Kansas City.

Tampa Bay +7.5 at Atlanta: This may not be quite as EZ a game as it looks on *paper.*  The white woman-raping Jameis Winston is playing a little better as the season wears on, and Doug Martin is starting run the ball like he did in 2012.  Still, they are the Bucs. . .they somehow blew a 24-0 lead against Jay Gruden, Kirk Cousins and the sorry-ass Redskins last week.  Only two of the Falcons 6 wins have been by more than 6 points. . .one against the Brenda Weeden Cowboys and one against the Hoyer/Mallet Texans.  Let's pick the Falcons to win another squeaker, but fail to cover, like they did against the shitty Titans last week.  Tampa Bay. 

New York Giants +3.5 at New Orleans: Two mediocre teams that could be standard bearers for the National Parity League. Their combined record is 7-7, and yet one is a division leader, and the other still has a long shot chance at a wild card.  Neither of these teams is particularly good at anything. . .except beating injury-riddled opponents.  Now they face-off against each other in an NFL bum fight.  Take the bum getting the points.  New York Giants. 

Tennessee EVEN at Houston: Two horrible teams. . .one horrible coach (Titans Kunt Whisenkunt), and one coach who seems to have lost control (Texans Bill O'Brien).  O'Brien looked like he was about to cry in his post game press conference last week, trying to explain how his team could be behind 41-0 at half-time.  He managed to choke back the tears, and then say he did challenge his team to *win the second half,* which he was so proud they did. . .uh, OK, so you scored a few points against Miami's bench. . .why take pride in accepting charity?  The good news for O'Brien is Tennessee's first team ain't no better than Miami's second team, so the Texans ought to win both halves this week.  Houston.  

New York Jets -2 at Oakland: This used to be a helluva rivalry back in the old AFL days. . .Joe Namath vs Daryle Lamonica. . .Super Bowls used to be on the line.  Well, under new coaches, both teams have already matched their win totals from last season, so the glory days may be on their way back. The Jets have the NFL's premier defense, and if they had a decent QB, they'd already be a Super Bowl threat, instead of what they are with Ryan Fitzpatrick: a one-and-done wild card playoff team. The Raiders got a lot of young weapons on offense, it's only a matter of time before they take over the AFC West, a division loaded with has-been teams sputtering on their last legs.  Oakland.  

Green Bay -2.5 at Denver: The top two points against defenses in the League.  The difference is at quarterback: Aaron Rodgers is still in his prime, while Peyton Manning is running on fumes.  Packers win, and cover the 2.5 EZ.  Green Bay.

NFL Week 7 Picks

3-3 vs the spread last week, 19-20-1 for the year. . .

After Brian Hoyer led the disappointing Texans to a victory over once-again lousy Jacksonville, head coach Bill O'Brien said we're going to stick with Brian. He's playing really well. Got a lot of confidence in him.  Ha ha ha.  I'm sure Hoyer took those comments with more than a few grains of salt.  No current League QB has been back-stabbed by his coaches more than Hoyer, and been benched for shittier replacements (airheads Ryan Mallet and the midget, and the crybaby McClown).  Not that Hoyer is the second coming of Johnny Unitas or anything, but he's been CLEARLY better than Mallet and the midget, doesn't cry like McClown, and has won games for weakling football teams, yet for some reason, his coaches treat him like a tramp, using him for a few weeks, than throwing him in the gutter when the next QB comes prancing along.  I make it even money O'Brien benches Hoyer again sometime this season. . .

And what's with Jay Gruden?  After endlessly nitpicking RGIII to death, and replacing him with the horrible Kirk Cousins, who throws at least 2 dumb INTs a game, Gruden goes out of his way to make the most absurd excuses for Cousins.  After last Sunday's latest debacle, Gruden excused Cousins picks by saying it was a little windy.  Gruden will end up losing his job because he cannot admit he's backed the wrong QB.  

Seattle -5.5 at San Francisco: This game used to determine who was the NFC West's best, now it's to see who's the West's worst.  The 49ers fall-off was predicted by everybody, but Seattle's slide has been a surprise, they are a zebra gift away from being a 1-5 team. Though the Seahawks defense, which has choked away a couple games late, is not nearly as tough as it was under former coordinator Dan Quinn, I would still be shocked if they were on the verge of a complete collapse, which is what a loss to the lame 49ers would signal.  Seattle.  

Atlanta -3.5 at Tennessee: Tennessee head coach Kunt Whisenkunt, a wannabe tough guy, bitched about a hit on his pretty boy QB Markesha Mariota:

Shut up, Kunt.  This ain't flag football you're coaching, though with your 3-18 record with the Titans, maybe you think it is.  Kunt just got his ass beat by a Miami squad of quitters coached by a rah-rah interim coach. . .whatever the fuck Whisenkunt thinks he's doing, it's obviously not resonating with the players, who once again look like they are just going through the motions, just like they did with their ten game losing streak to end last season.  Atlanta is coming off their first loss of the season, a bumbling performance against the over-the-hill Saints. . .this is the perfect tomato can opponent to get back on the winning track. . .the Falcons have way too much firepower for a Titan defense that don't want to lay it on the line for coach Kunt.  Surprise stud running back Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones ought to find plenty of open field in this one.  Atlanta.    

Minnesota -2.5 at Detroit: The Lions got their first *win* of the year against the Bears last week, in a game which offered an amateurish exhibition from both squads. . .it was a seemingly endless overtime affair which *featured* double-digit bonehead penalties, fumbles, dumb INTs, and moronic coaching strategy. True to their Hall of Fame Garbage Time Form, once the pressure of playing with something to lose was lifted by their 0-5 start, Lion *stars* Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson posted big numbers, and will now likely remain Fantasy *stars* for the remainder of this lost season.  The Vikings, under second year coach Mike Zimmer, are right where a team on the rise is supposed to be, one win over a crappy team away from being 4-2 and in solid Wild Card contention.  Minnesota.    

Pittsburgh -2 at Kansas City: Pittsburgh's winning with an oddball collection of QBs, while the Chiefs have flopped to a 1-5 start, and now have to go the rest of the year without Jamal Charles.  The Steelers season has been marked by suspensions and injuries, but their defense is getting tougher by the week. . .if Big Ben gets back and regains his old form for the stretch run, the Steelers will be a dangerous playoff team, and probably the only AFC team that can stop the Patriots from returning to the Super Bowl.  The Chiefs have been horrible, even losing at home to the Bears, and QB Alex Smith now looks like his pre-Harbaugh self . . .this is the beginning of the end for behemoth head coach Andy Reid.  Pittsburgh.

Houston +4.5 at Miami: After quitting on Joe Philbin, the Dolphins resembled the team many thought they'd be in demolishing shitty Tennessee last week for their new gung-ho interim coach.  But that was Tennessee, and lucky for them, this is Houston, another chump team.  But once they're done kicking the Texans around, the Dolphins have to play the Patriots, Bills and Eagles on the road.  We'll see then if the Dolphins quit on Philbin because Philbin was a goofball, or just because the Dolphins are natural born quitters.  Bill O'Brien gave Brian Hoyer a vote of confidence after last week's win over the Jags, so Hoyer's job ought to be safe at least until the 3rd quarter.  The Texans' DeAndre Hopkins looks like the next Calvin Johnson, a great garbage time receiver.  Every reasonable indicator points to the Dolphins winning this one EZ. . .but I have a feeling the Dolphins believe last week's game was worth two weeks of work. . .all that bye week rally-round-the-new coach, the-season-begins-now rejuvenation might wear off pretty quick on the slacker Dolphins.  Upset Special.  Houston.     

New York Jets +9.5 at New England: New head coach Todd Bowles has had a friendly opening schedule, 5 chump teams in a row, and he's done a decent job of turning the former chump Jets into a 4-1 team. . .but now he's got to face the Pats as the real measuring stick.  The Jets defense is for real, its loaded with stars, but an offense of cast-offs Ryan Fitzpatrick, Chris Ivory and Brandon Marshall ain't gonna score enough to win the game.  The defense keeps the Jets close enough to cover, but NE gets the W.  New York Jets.

Philadelphia +3 at Carolina: As quickly as the Eagles were written off, they're just as quickly back in first place in the mediocre NFC East.  But the offense still looks like a work-in-progress, with Samantha Bradford tossing 9 INTs and ranking dead last in Total QBR, and big money free agent running back DeMarco Murray only averaging 3.4 yards per carry.  Carolina is the surprise team of the year, 5-0. . .or are they?  The Panthers haven't played a team with a winning record.  Still, I give Ron Rivera a lot of credit, the Panthers themselves are a chump team, and surely have less talent than Houston and Seattle, and maybe even the Saints, three of the sparring partner teams they've beat.  Listen, when your QB is your best running back, and Ted Ginn is your best wide out, you ought to be 0-5 instead of 5-0, no matter who you've played.  Why so little respect for Rivera?  Maybe because he looks more like he ought to be starring in Machete 3 than coaching in the NFL?  Anyways. . .Carolina. 

College Football Week 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

5-1 vs the spread last week, 18-18-1 for the year. . .but after this:

I need a drink worse than Steve *Cutty* Sark-isian. . .

I must pull the shades, sit in the dark, stare at the walls and forget about college football until Ohio State week. . .only a win over Urban Meyer's Buckeyes can heal the wounds of *the punt.* 

See ya for Week 13. . .

Until then:

NFL Week 6 Picks

2-3 vs the spread last week, 16-17-1 for the year. . .

On Tuesday, after his team's crushing Monday night loss to Seattle, in which the National Football League's All-Time Greatest Garbage Time Receiver, Calvin *Megatron* Johnson fumbled away the game-winning touchdown and the zebras blew the touchback call, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Caldwell told the Media he didn't want his players talking about the game or the blown call, anymore:

"You can take that situation and drag it out through the week where your players are more focused in on that particular play than on the opposition that we have to face in just a few days. You can act, `Woe is me, that's a bad call, that went against us,' and look at all those kinds of things. That'll distract you and you'll get your ears kicked in come Sunday afternoon."

OK, so the Lions shut up about it and focused on the Cardinals, and didn't get their ears kicked in, right, coach?

Oh, oh. . .Arizona 42, Dee-troit 17. . .oh, oh.  Great leadership, there, Caldwell. . . 

Might as well have let the players bitch-and-moan about the Seattle game, they couldn't have played any fucking worse. . .ha ha ha.

And while you're at it, get rid of that stupid moustache.

Atlanta -3 at New Orleans: The Saints might have actually played worse than the Lions, getting steamrolled by a 1-3 Eagles team that hadn't been able to get out of its own way.  It's apparent now the Drew Brees Saints are washed-up, and if Sean Payton wants to win again in New Orleans, he's looking at a two-to-three year rebuilding project. . .I wouldn't be surprised if he left the Saints at the end of this season, before his coaching reputation suffers too much more damage.  How bad are the Saints?  Last year's shitty Mike Smith Falcons could beat them, so just imagine what this year's Dan Quinn Falcons will do.  Atlanta. 

Fuck Jim Caldwell and Detroit, Matt!
You'd be much happier playing for
the Cowboys or the Texans!

Chicago +3.5 at Detroit: As if Coach Caldwell's pregame strategy wasn't bad enough, he had a couple dumb-shit in-game moves.  1) he benched Matthew Stafford early in the 3rd quarter after issuing a half-time warning that he'd be removed if threw another INT. .sure enough, Stafford threw a pick, and got his ass yanked from the game. . .and, yes, Stafford sucked. . .but, look, how the fuck long has Caldwell been around football?  Surely this dumb motherfucker must have noticed: threatening/changing/benching QBs almost NEVER produces anything positive.  And yet, predictably, after the game Caldwell said Stafford was still his guy, but then did more damage by saying Matty could still be a good QB, as if he wasn't already. . .hey, he might not be a good QB, it's debatable, but why once again publicly slight your QB?  Totally counter-productive.  Nothing good comes out of these dumb QB moves. . .they're done so it looks like the coach is *coaching.* In reality, they just tear away at whatever remaining confidence the struggling QB has.  And in Stafford's case, his Social Media darling wife will now be whispering a little more loudly in his ear how unappreciated he is in Detroit, and how he doesn't deserve to be treated this way, blah blah blah. 2) For God only knows what ridiculous reason, trailing 35-7 with 12 minutes to go in the game, and facing a 4th down at the Cardinals 23 yard line, Caldwell sends out the field goal kicker.  Huh?!?!  THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE FUCKING GAME.  YOU PLAY THE FUCKING GAME, NO MATTER HOW HOPELESSLY BEHIND, AS IF YOU ARE TRYING TO WIN, YOU DON'T PLAY THE GAME TO MAKE THE FINAL SCORE A LITTLE LESS EMBARRASSING.  Oh yeah, and Golden Tate complained after the game that the fans booed and left early.  Hey, Tate, shut your fucking piehole!  You barely average 10 yards a catch, and you fumbled the one accurate pass Stafford threw you.  The fans should toss flowers on the field after you fumble?  You do your job, and then the fans will do their job.  Typical Notre Dame prima donna.  No wonder nobody gave a shit when he left Seattle.   As for the Bears, John Fox is once again proving he is one of the League's great coaches.  Remember, a couple weeks ago it was the Bears, not the Lions, who were the League's biggest joke.  They were 0-3 and management began dumping players left and right in a fire sale, assuming the season was over.  But they forgot to tell Fox the Bears couldn't win.  Now with a victory the Bears are 3-3 and back in the Wild Card race.  If anybody can win with Jayne Cutler, it's John Fox.  He'll fix that Bears defense.  As I said in my season preview, the Bears are a dark horse playoff team.  Chicago.    

Miami +2.5 at Tennessee: Coach killer Donkeykong Suh's first game for Dan Campbell, another wonder boy coach cut from the Bill Parcells tree.  Poor Joe Philbin, he's got to be wondering why he couldn't get to coach against shitty Tennessee and get a season-saving win. If Suh can't make mincemeat out of the Titans, forget it.  Campbell's had two weeks to turn bratty, crybaby QB Ryan Tannehill into a leader.  I bet he has more luck getting Suh to play hard.  Gee, come to think of it, Tennessee, even under Kunt Whisencunt, might actually be the team with the more harmonious locker room.  Tennessee.    

Carolina +6.5 at Seattle: Uh, how come nobody ever says Ron Rivera is one of the best coaches?  Sure, the Panthers win ugly. . .but have you looked at their roster?  It IS ugly.  This guy wins with absolute garbage.  He's 4-0 with Cam Newton running quarterback draws.  That's it, that's all they got.  All his good defensive players get injured, suspended or bolt in free agency, and he just plugs the next guy in and he shuts you down, just the same.  Great fucking coach.  Most under-rated coach.  Without the zebras giving them a win over the Lions, the Seahawks are a 1-4 team.  Russell Wilson's getting knocked every which way from Sunday, and their superstar defense can't protect a lead.  Maybe they miss Dan Quinn?  Carolina is mentally and physically tougher.  Carolina. 

Baltimore -1 at San Francisco: Don't you think John Harbaugh would love to beat the shit out of the team that disrespected his brother?  But, Hell, the Ravens just need a win, period.  They were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, now they're 1-4 and even looking up at, and getting beaten by the McClown Browns.  Ravens playing for pride, now.  Baltimore.  

New York Giants +4 at Philadelphia: Two weeks into the season and it looked like the 2-0 Cowboys were a cinch for the NFC East.  Three weeks and two injuries later, and the shitty Giants and Eagles are playing for first place.  That's the National Parity League, for you.  The Chip Kelly to USC, or Maryland, or Texas or Illinois or South Carolina or wherever rumors end here.  Philadelphia.  

College Football Week 7 Picks

1-4 vs the spread last week, 13-17-1 for the year. . .

Nothing on the field came close to matching the spectacle of the lightning fall of USC head coach Steve *Cutty* Sark-isian.  After Cutty made an intoxicated ass of himself at an August booster event, USC AD Pat Haden quickly looked away, and tried to sweep Cutty Sark's drinking problem under the rug. . .but it couldn't be hidden.  Apparently Cutty's been drunk for months, if not years (stories surfaced today about Cutty's *erratic behavior* while coaching Washington), showing up at practices, team meetings, and even games a cunt hair short of shit-faced.  It all exploded over the weekend, starting with USC's upset loss at home to Cutty's old Washington team.  No doubt seeking relief from the stress of the seat-heating Huskies loss, Cutty must have hit the bottle HARD, for when he showed up the next day for a team meeting, Haden said it was clear Cutty was *not healthy.*  Haden then *asked* Cutty to take an *indefinite leave of absence.*  This *indefinite leave of absence* lasted less than 24 hours, and now Cutty Sark himself has been swept under the rug by Haden, who doubtless wants to *move forward* in an equally lightning fashion.  Sorry, Pat, ain't gonna happen.  Folks are going to want to know how long you knew Cutty was a rummy, and why you didn't *ask* Cutty to take a *leave of absence* back in August after the booster event debacle. 

Will alcoholism become football's new *domestic* issue?  Cutty can't be the only alchy staggering the sidelines. . .    

As for Cutty himself, let's hope he don't walk out of *rehab* in two or three months stating he's *recovered.*  I'm sure Cutty will get enough money in a settlement deal with USC where he won't have to worry about dollars.  Cutty, old boy, you got a perfect chance to do what EVERYBODY needs to do: sit on your ass and reflect on the human condition.  Everybody's a rummy, a bum, a loser, everybody's sweeping something under the rug 24/7, hiding their true self, pretending to *live.*  But Cutty, old boy, you can take the money and go camp out in the desert, stare up at the stars and confront your true condition, embrace it, and then seek answers from above.  Godspeed to you. . .      

Alabama -4.5 at Texas A&M: Neither one of these teams is near as good as they were in 2012, when Johnny Manziel, midget and NFL flop, led A&M to a stunning upset win over the eventual National Champion Crimson Tide.  Alabama's *signature* win over Georgia doesn't look that special after stumblebum Tennessee did the same the following week, and the Aggies still look soft on defense, despite their fancy new defensive coordinator, John *Crybaby* Chavis, who left LSU after whining about Les Miles' shitty offense.  Alabama.     

Michigan State +6.5 at Michigan: Poor Mark Dantonio. . .no matter how many times he beats Michigan, he can never get the recognition he thinks he's due.  He pouted all off season over Harbaugh-mania, then made a snide little comment that East Lansing was the place to be for football in the state of Michigan after the Spartans beat Oregon. . .and now his supposed best team ever, a possible National Champion, is an underdog to Harbaugh--even though the Spartans are undefeated and ranked higher.  He'll rub his players' noses in this *disrespect* all week (I put the over-under on Spartan personal foul penalties at 2.5). . .and if he wins, which he should, he'll gloat in his typical passive-aggressive way.  Michigan's defense has been sensational, with three straight shut-outs. . .but they've come against quarterbacks who throw like girls.  The Spartans' Connor Cook will be the first QB the Wolverines have faced who can challenge their secondary down the field.  Cook should be able to hit just enough deep balls to loosen up Michigan's defense, allowing space for the Spartan ground game.  And that's the winning difference, as Michigan's QB, 5th year senior Iowa transfer Jake Rudock, can't throw the ball more than ten yards.  The Spartans will never have to back off the line of scrimmage, and they should be able to stuff Michigan's collection of plowhorse running backs.  Not only should the Spartans cover, but they should win outright.  But no matter who wins, the post-game coaches handshake might end up stealing the spotlight (remember this, and this?), as Dantonio's massive inferiority complex will make him a much better foil for Harbaugh than Pete Carroll or Jim Schwartz ever were. Michigan State.   

Florida +6 at Louisiana State: Jim McElwain's done a better job at Florida than Harbaugh at Michigan.  He's kept Will Muskrat or whatever's tough defense, but added enough offense to take advantage and get some wins. . .but I don't think this is a good match-up for the Gators.  LSU has a horrible pass offense, much like the Missouri team Florida beat last week, but Missouri couldn't run the ball, either, while LSU averages 7 yards a carry on the ground, led by superstar running back Leonard Fournette, and though Florida has the defense to slow that down a little, they won't be able to stop it enough to keep LSU from winning an ugly, low-scoring game.  LSU.    

Boston College +17.5 at Clemson: I love Dabo Swinney, what a great, classic southern fried football coach. . .and a bigger psycho than Jim Schwartz.  But look out, coach.  This might be one of them *Clemsoning* deals, right here.  Boston College might be the greatest 3-3 team in college football history. . .their defense only allows 140 yards per game. . .an amazing statistic in this era of pinball spread offense football.  How in the Hell is BC only 3-3? Because their offense is as horrible as their defense is great.  They've lost 14-0, 9-7 and 3-0. . .what a tragedy for the Eagle defense.  There doesn't seem to be any way possible BC could actually score enough to win this game. . .except for a *Clemsoning*. . .maybe the BC defense forces a bunch of turnovers, maybe they get a special teams score, maybe Doug Flutie's nephew Troy works a miracle of his own. . .maybe, but probably not.  But with that defense, BC at least should cover.  Boston College.      

Al-Anon +4.5 at Notre Dame: Uh. . .er. . will the Trojans suffer a *hangover* from last week's dud loss to Washington and the resulting dismissal of their drinking buddy coach?  Will they try to win one for the *nipper?*  They might try, but they'll probably fail.  Somebody named Clay Helton has the unenviable task of trying to make a football team out of an Al-Anon group. . .and they won't be able to beat the Irish (kinda funny, Al-Anon playing the Irish in their first *recovery* game) who are focused solely on football, and still have an outside shot at the Playoffs, if they run the table and Clemson does a *Clemsoning.*  Notre Dame.    

Penn State +17.5 at Ohio State: Both teams have played pantywaist schedules, but we know the Buckeyes are great, because they beat Alabama last year, right?  Anyway, Penn State once again has a very good defense and a crappy offense.  In fact, this is kinda the B1G version of BC-Clemson.  PSU defense allows them to cover, but their offense prevents them from winning.  Penn State.

NFL Week 5 Picks

3-2 vs the spread last week, 14-14-1 for the year. . .with the hi-lite being the Lions fumbling away a win in Seattle in a game that becomes an instant classic Lions loss, a game every true Lion fan sensed would be lost as soon as it seemed to the *general viewing public* that they would win.  For the long-time Lion fan, as the Lions improbably marched 91 yards downfield, after doing absolutely nothing for the first 55 minutes of the game against the Seahawks celebrated defense, it became a matter of deciding which Lion would turn into a goat. . .I guess it's fitting that it was Calvin Johnson, the aging *Megatron,* a guy who has never really made a significant play in nine years in the National Football League, a guy who is most famous for an another classic Lion loss, with his non-catch td catch against the Bears in 2010, bringing the then unknown *process of the catch rule* to the football nation's attention. . .fitting because once again a Johnson end-game fuck-up for a loss is attached to a zebra controversy, as the League's incompetent officials wrongly awarded the fumbled ball to Seattle after a Seahawk illegally batted it out of the end zone.

Well, Lion head coach Jim Caldwell, in just his second year of Dee-troit football, hasn't quite yet realized what he's gotten himself into.  He had a nice 11-5 run in Year 1, but the football gods were just sand-bagging him, setting him up for a classic Lion playoff loss, the *home cookin'* Cowboy-friendly zebra pass interfence/uh, what pass interference? call. . .and Caldwell has lost every game since.

Look at the poor bastard, trying to come to grips with being Lion-ized:

  

He says he's not gonna cry about it, then two seconds later he is crying about it.  Well, he's still learning the true essence of Dee-troit football, which is that losing is more rewarding than winning.  So what if *Megatron* had finally made a clutch play and the Lions had won?  They'd be 1-3, still shitty, and would have robbed themselves and their fans of yet another soul-cleansing loss.

Jim Caldwell doesn't understand Dee-troit's place in the football universe.  Dee-troit is the League's #1 antagonist, playing just-well enough to let the winners think they've accomplished something.  Look at the Seahawks and their fans at end of the Monday night game, hoopin'-an-a-hollerin' as if they'd just done something magnificent, instead of just being gifted a squeaker win over a shitty football team.  FAKE! EZ!  And they owe all it to Dee-troit.  

Fuck New England and their glamor boy QB and all their fucking Super Bowls, that's EZ.  They eat ice cream every year.  The Dee-troit Lions and their fans have been beaten every way possible for sixty straight years. . .and we're still here.  That old greaseball Packer coach Vince Lombardi said winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.  Fucking idiot.  Mike Tyson was much wiser, saying you must go from the worst to reach the best.  The Dee-troit Lions are holding steady on that straight-and-narrow path. . . 

[One more thing about *Megatron:* Like Barry Sanders, he'll go his whole career without a Super Bowl. . .but unlike Barry, he cannot be considered one of the all-time greats at his position.  Despite not really coming close to a championship, Sanders can still arguably be called the greatest running back of all time, because there were PLENTY of games in which he single-leggedly carried the Lions to victories over far better teams.  In nine years, Calvin Johnson has never gained Detroit a victory over a superior team.  Never.  Calvin Johnson will be remembered as the NFL's All-Time Greatest Garbage Time Receiver.] 

   

Seattle +1 at Cincinnati: The Bengals look like the best team in the National Football League not quarterbacked by a Brady or a Rodgers.  Andy Dalton hasn't had a panic attack through four games, and the Bengals defense probably has better talent than Seattle's, and they must have loved looking at the tape of a mediocre Detroit defense knocking Russell Wilson around.  Seattle's offense is strictly schoolyard, dependent upon Wilson's ability to turn broken plays into big gainers.  Works against Lions, but not against Bengals.  Cincinnati.  

Washington +8 at Atlanta: At 2-2, the Redskins are a bigger surprise than the 4-0 Falcons, because Atlanta actually has a roster with some decent players, and a head coach who knows what to do with them.  Jay Gruden is one of the worst coaches in the League, and Kirk Cousins is as shitty a starting QB as there is (not named Mallet, anyway).  Atlanta.  

New Orleans +5.5 at Philadelphia: Samantha Bradford has been a disaster (if Chip Kelly is so smart, how come he didn't know, like everybody else, what a lousy QB Bradford was in St. Louis?), and Demarco Murray has gained only 47 yards in four games (30 of them on one carry).  Everything Kelly did in the offseason has backfired, and a player mutiny will occur if the Eagles lose to the over-the-hill Saints, who got a lucky win over Half-Dallas last week.  They might as well call this match-up of two sinking ships The Titanic Bowl.  Who gets the lifeboat?  New Orleans.  

St. Louis +10.5 at Green Bay: Now that Todd Gurley has been unleashed, will Jeff Fisher's Rams finally become a winner?  They have the pass rush to bother Aaron Rodgers, but their run defense has been a little soft.  If the Rams can hold down Eddie Lacy, they should be able to cover. . .the only team Green Bay has beaten by more than 10 is the 49ers, and the Rams are a helluva lot better than them.  St. Louis. 

Arizona -3 at Detroit: The Lions have lost their last six games against the Cardinals, with five of them played out in the desert. . .now Arizona comes to Ford Field to play the National Football League's only win-less team, who in week 4 became the first team in League history to lose on an illegal touchback--but that's Dee-troit football. . .find the most obscure rules in the book, and use them, legally or illegally, to fuck over the Lions.  This Sunday, the Lions will be leading Arizona by 6 late in the game, and will try a field goal to take a two score lead. . .the Lions kicker will bang one off the goalpost, but the zebras will allow a Cardinal to return the dead ball for a game-winning td.  Arizona.

College Football Week 6 Picks

3-3 vs spread last week, 12-13-1 for the year. . .

Charlie Strong, our preseason pick for Flop Negro Wonder Boy Coach of the Year, clinched the award with last week's 50-7 annihilation at TCU leaving even the "we're about to turn the corner" Strong to admit his team was awful.  Texas is paying Strong a shitload of money, and getting shit to show for it on the field. . .I don't see how they can bring Strong back and risk a third straight year of crap football, but apparently that's exactly what's gonna happen. . .oh, well, at least we won't have to listen to Charlie whine that he got fired because he married a white woman, the paranoid negro charge he used when he didn't get previous head coaching jobs.

In the season preview I had a Fading Big 10 Coach of the Year entry, featuring Iowa's Kirk Ferentz and Northwestern's Pat Fitzgerald.  I picked Fitzgerald to bounce back and have a good year, predicting the Wildcats would have a stellar defense. . .and that's how it's been.  NU is 5-0, ranked #13, and their defense has been outstanding.  The surprise is that Ferentz' Iowa Hawkeyes are also 5-0.  Looks like Kirk is having another one of his quinquennial Job Saving fluke 10 or 11 win years, always based on a soft schedule and a ton of ugly wins, like last week's 10-6 yawner over Wisconsin.  NU and Iowa meet on October 17, and the victor may have the misfortune of winning the Big 10 West, and having to play Ohio State or Michigan State in the Big 10 Championship game. . .still, good years for both these veteran white coaches. . .

And then there's Mike Riley: five games into his Nebraska career, he already has Cornheads longing for the good old Bo Pelini 9-4 days.  Riley somehow lost to Illinois Saturday, with a colossal last minute clock fuck-up (details here) leaving the proud Big Red fan base howling in disgust.  Riley, after coaching for twenty years in the obscurity of Corvallis, OR, where nobody gave a shit if the Beavers choked away a game, must wonder what all the fuss is over a lousy college football game.  Riley seemed like a weird choice for Nebraska, which desperately wants to be a National Power again, and after a mere five games he seems destined for the Bill Callahan scrap heap.

Oklahoma -16 vs Texas (in Dallas): At least Charlie's got him a white woman waiting at home. . .but the Wronghorns should be able to cover.  Texas.

Georgia -3 at Tennessee: The Rebound Bowl. . .Georgia coming off a colossal home flop against Alabama, Tennessee unable to beat a Power 5 school all year.  Volunteer coach Butch Jones has had some big recruiting classes, but all his blue chippers look like wooden nickels when they take the field.  Georgia. 

Northwestern +8.5 at Michigan: +8.5?!?!  Neither one of these teams even gives up 8.5 points a game, we might have a 0-0 OT game here between the nation's top two scoring defenses.  There's no way Michigan can cover, not with starting a QB who can't throw the ball more than 10 yards downfield without being in danger of being picked off.  This one will be classic old school Big Ten football, coached by old time Big 10 players, Pat Fitzgerald and Jim Harbaugh. . .plenty of punting, first one to seven wins.  Since Michigan will only have one Harbaugh on the sideline this week, I'll take:  Northwestern.  

Florida -4 at Missouri: Jim McElwain's been the New Coach of the Year so far, getting the Gators back on the national scene with last week's beat down of Ole Miss. . .but this is a classic *Missouri Trap* game, with the Tigers, always hanging around the SEC East lead (despite having the worst non-Vanderbilt talent in the conference), ready to bushwhack the SEC Flavor of the Week.  The always-under-rated Gary Pinkel will have the Mizzou defense ready to cool off red-hot Gator QB Will Grier.  UPSET SPECIAL.  Missouri. 

California +7 at Utah: Cal is 5-0 for the first time since the 2007 Jeff Tedford/Justin Forsett/DeSean Jackson/Jahvid Best days.  Of course, that team ended up losing 6 of their last 7. . .and the same could happen this year, as Cal's *signature* win this year is a one-point squeaker over horrible Texas.  The Golden Bear's glamor QB Jared Goff is supposedly a first round draft pick.  NFL scouts will get a chance to see how he handles getting knocked on his ass for four quarters in this game, as Utah's pass rush pushes Cal from the ranks of the undefeated.  Utah.