NFL Week 3 Picks

3-5 vs spread last week, 7-9-1 for the year. . .

Retard QB Brenda Weeden

Atlanta -1 at Dallas: The Falcons are off to a good start under new coach Dan Quinn, and now the schedule maker tosses them a bone, a trip to play the Cowboys, who will be without Tony Homo and Lez Bryant.  Do you see Brenda Weeden (run out of Cleveland after a short career of bonehead throws like this one) and Teresa Williams out-dueling Matt Ryan and Julio Jones?  I don't.  The only bummer for the Falcons is Tevin Coleman's bum ribs, meaning Atlanta is stuck with slow plowpony Devonta Freeman at RB.  But the Cowboy defense is nowhere near as good as it looked against Samantha Bradley, LaMarqua Murray and the rest of Chump Kelly's Eagles.  Atlanta.

Cincinnati +3 at Baltimore: Huh?  In week 1, the Bengals went to Oakland and beat the shit out of the Raiders.  In week 2, the Ravens went to Oakland and lost, with their vaunted defense giving up 37 points (though maybe their defense shouldn't be vaunted, anymore, now that they ain't got Terrell Suggs), and the Bengals are the underdog?  Cincinnati's defense is actually healthy this year, which gives the Bengals an extra cushion to absorb the inevitable Andy Dalton meltdown, which can occur at anytime.  The Bengals are the better team, plain and simple.  Cincinnati.

Pittsburgh -2 at St. Louis: Just when I thought Jeff Fisher was finally ready to lead the Rams past mediocrity, with their week 1 win over Seattle, the Rams somehow lost to the Redskins, with their blue chip defensive line, which stuffed Marshawn Lynch in the opener, getting gouged for 182 rushing yards, and unable to rattle the usually nervous wreck Kirk Cousins, who completed 23 of 27 passes, with an amazing (for him) 0 ints.  Supposedly Todd Gurley might get a few carries this week--and the Rams will definitely need the boost he can give their offense, as the Steelers get their stud RB Le'Veon Bell back from suspension, not that they missed him last week, shredding the 49ers for 453 yards.  The Rams next two games are at Arizona and Green Bay, they need this one or they're looking at a 1-4 start in what was supposed to be their break-out year.  Fisher and the Rams deliver.  St. Louis.      

Clausen's wife: Proof even
shitty QBs get hot ass

Chicago +14.5 at Seattle: Ha ha ha. . .just what an 0-2 Pete Carroll and the Seahawks desperately needed: a chump team with a chump QB.  For all those who thought Jane Cutler was a loser quarterback. . .well, OK, he might be a loser QB, but wait till you get a load of Jimmy Clausen!  John Fox has won a ton of games with shitty QBs, he even won a playoff game against the Steelers with Tim Tebow, for crying out loud. . .but he can't win with Clausen, which he knows from firsthand experience in their 2010 Carolina season, when Clausen finished as the NFL's lowest-rated QB (Clausen sucks on the field, but off the field he's a winner--check out the pic of his volleyball babe wife).  I would consider this one of the biggest upsets in NFL history if the Bears win.  Seattle.    

Buffalo +2.5 at Miami: I thought before the season started both of these teams could challenge New England in the AFC North, but Tom Brady's 4 game suspension was lifted, and then they played two games and showed they're pretty much the same old Bills and Dolphins, particularly Miami, where a loss last week to league doormat Jacksonville sent south Florida media searching for a scapegoat, which they quickly found in Donkeykong Suh, who allegedly *freelances,* disrupting Miami's leaky defense.  Anyway, the loser crashes to the North basement, with little chance of catching up to the winner, the Patriots or the surprisingly tough Jets, who look like NE's real challenger (at least, until Ryan Fitzpatrick starts screwing up).  The Bills have a better coach, better defense and better ground game, the Dolphins have a better QB and a sure-to-be-angry Donkeykong. Should be a close one, I'll take the points.  Buffalo.

Rolls over every time Joe calls for a pass on 3rd-and-1

Denver -3 at Detroit: After two horrible performances to start the year, Lions fans sense another 12 or 13 loss turd of a season is about to be dropped on them. . .the defense doesn't scare anybody without Donkeykong Suh and Nick Fairley, and the offense, despite having *all the pieces* (Stafford, Johnson, Tate, Ebron, Abdullah), goes backward more than forward.  This is Joe Lombardi's second year as Lion offensive coordinator, and it's a pretty safe bet they ain't gonna be naming any trophies after him anytime soon, like they did for his grandpa Vince.  The Broncos are the worst 2-0 team in the League, getting an ugly win over the Ravens in week 1, and a lucky win over the fumbling Chiefs in week 2.  At this stage in his career, the historically over-rated Peyton Manning is strictly a nickel-and-dime QB, unable to hit the deep ball. . .but the Lions couldn't handle the soft-tossing Teddy Bridgewater last week, so. . .but this is it for Dee-troit, they got to go to Seattle next week.  Any hope of remaining even remotely alive for a Wild Card spot hangs on them beating Denver.  Detroit. 

Kansas City +7.5 at Green Bay: Jamaal Charles fumbled away the game last week, while the Packers handled the Seahawks fairly easily, holding Marshawn Lynch to 41 yards.  Green Bay is better, but the Chiefs are too good to give 7.5 points.  Kansas City.