NFL Week 1 Picks

Pittsburgh +7 at New England: The Patriots lost a lot off their Super Bowl defense, and did nothing to boost their nickel-and-dime offense.  But they got Tom Brady's suspension over-turned, and now it's the Steelers who are short-handed due to the suspensions of stud running back Le'Veon Bell and #2 receiver Martavis Bryant. . .but Deangelo Williams and Markus Wheaton ought to pick up enough of the slack to allow Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown and the rest of the Steeler offense to score enough to spring a mild upset.  Pittsburgh.

Kansas City +1 at Houston: After getting stabbed in the back last year by Mike Pettine and being benched for the midget, Brian Hoyer gets a chance to show how colossally wrong the Browns were.  But this is a tough first game for Hoyer, with no Arian Foster to slow down the Chiefs pass rush.  KC added Jeremy Maclin to give their Jamal Charles-charged offense a downfield threat, and if they can fix their leaky run defense, they have the makings of serious Super Bowl contender.  Kansas City.

Indianapolis -2.5 at Buffalo: Well, it's déjà vu all over again for Rex Ryan.  Just like with the Jets, he's got a monster defense and a stumblebum offense directed by an amateur QB. . .this time around it's Tyrod Taylor.  Ryan must think there's some rule in the NFL where you aren't allowed to score more than 17 points in a game.  The Bills have a pass rush that can fluster Andrew Luck, but the Colts added two old warhorses, Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, to make his life easier, and even if he tosses a couple INTs, the Colts can still outscore a bum Bills offense that is hamstrung by a hamstringy LeSean McCoy.  Indianapolis.

Miami -3.5 at Washington: Ha ha ha! The Redskins were celebrating getting their owner's permission to bench RGIII. . .they must have forgot their (old) new QB is turnover machine Kirk Cousins.  The Redskins are a mess all the way down the line, with an idiot owner, a clown head coach, and a bipolar locker room full of players who know how to lose. Won't work.  It's now or never for goofy-looking Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin.  They busted the bank to get football's best tackle, Donkeykong Suh, to remedy their mediocre run defense, and they play in a division full of shitty or suspended QBs.  No excuses for Philbin this year.  It's the playoffs or the pink slip.  The Dolphins should be able to crush the trainwreck Redskins.  If they somehow fumble this game away, look out, panic will set in IMMEDIATELY.  Miami.

Seattle -4 at St. Louis: The Seahawks catch the Rams at the right time: Todd Gurley ain't 100% yet, and that means the Rams offense is still sub-par. Should be a low-scoring sack fest with the Seahawks out-field goaling the Rams.  Seattle.

Detroit +3 at San Diego: Just as it's Joe Philbin's now or never year in Miami, this is Matthew Stafford's now or never year in Detroit. Once again he supposedly has *all the pieces* around him: Calvin Johnson, Golden Tate, a break-out year Eric Ebron, and the latest piece, rookie running back Ameer Abdullah.  Even without Donkeykong Suh, the Lions should have enough defense to win--as long as Stafford puts the points on the board.  If he don't, by the end of the year the Ford Field boo birds will be merciless.  But the Chargers are the perfect team for Stafford to start off against.  Their feeble pass rush would have trouble knocking over a mannequin, so Matty S. ought to have plenty of time to hit a few downfield bombs to Johnson and Tate. . .but if he don't, look out, panic will set in IMMEDIATELY.  Detroit.

Tennessee +3 at Tampa Bay, The Draft Flop Bowl:  Ha ha ha. . .Winston vs Mariota.  I don't think there has ever been a draft with two worse top picks.  All off-season I was convinced Mariota would be the first bust, that it would take a year or two for the Law to catch Winston in a rape or felonious assault, and then his career would go into the toilet because of suspensions and/or prison time.  But man, he may be a quicker on field bust than rag-armed Mariota.  Winston has looked SHITTY during the pre-season.  Both these teams are horrible, Tennessee's Ken Whisencunt is hated by his own players. . .this may be the single worst game of the entire NFL season, with the loser able to make a real run at 0-16.  Can't believe I am actually picking the Titans, but in a game between two turds, take the one getting the points.  Tennessee.

Philadelphia -3 at Atlanta: Quite an intriguing game.  I pick the Falcons to win the NFC South, simply because I believe their new coach, Dan Quinn, can fix their defense and restore a power run game, making Matt Ryan look like the more-than-serviceable QB he was earlier in his career when he had Michael Turner to hand off to.  But they got a tough draw for game 1.  Chip Kelly put his chips on the table with the Samantha Bradford gamble. . .and, surprise, it has looked like a winner in the pre-season. . .of course, these scrimmages can be deceiving, and perhaps when the real games begin Bradford will crumple into the old dink-and-dime china doll he's always been.  The rest of the Eagle offense is loaded, they got tons of running backs, led by DeMarco Murray, and Jordan Matthews should turn into a Big Time #1 receiver this year.  This game hinges on whether or not Bradford is for real.  I think not.  And Quinn knows how to rattle Samantha from his days in Seattle when he coached against the Bradford-led Rams.  Here's a shaky pick for:  Atlanta.

Minnesota -2.5 at San Francisco: Blow out.  Vikes all the way.  Minnesota is a team on the rise, with a smart head coach assembling a premier defense to go with a low-risk offense that gets #28 back to help weak-armed QB Teddy Bridgewater's ball control game.  The 49ers are an even bigger mess than the Redskins, with dumber ownership running Jim Harbaugh out of town, a weirder (and regressing) QB, and seemingly half the roster injured, suspended or arrested.  I predict the 49ers will be booed off the field at half-time.  Minnesota.