NFL Week 4 Picks

4-3 vs spread last week, 11-12-1 for the year. . .

Even as bad as the 49ers and Colin Halfernigger were last week, they still weren't as AWFUL as the Miami Dolphins and their goofy-looking and now-beleaguered head coach Joe Philbin. Everyone knew the 49ers were going to be shit, and everybody could see Halfernigger had regressed. . .but this was supposed to be the Dolphins year. . .they added Donkeykong Suh to a decent defense, and gave Ryan Tannehill a slew of new receivers. . .it was Playoffs-or-Bust for Philbin, and after last week's humiliating home beat-down at the hands of division rival Buffalo, it's pretty clear this year is going to be a bust.  There's already finger-pointing--though coach Philbin doesn't seem to know in which direction to point:

Most of the fingerpointing, though, seems directed at Donkeykong, who got about $60 million guaranteed dollars, and hasn't had a sack or done much to help the Dolphins horrible run defense. . .and at least one jealous teammate has already sold him out to the media.

Anyway, maybe coach Philbin can figure this mess out.  Hey, coach, what's the problem down there in Miami:

  

Uh. . .

OK, might as well start the Nick Saban-back-to-Miami rumors. . .

New York Jets -2.5 vs Miami (in London): See above.  New York Jets.

Oakland -2.5 at Chicago: Wow, how bad has it got for the Bears?!?!  The Raiders are 3-22 in their last 25 road games, and they're the favorite in Chicago!  That's the Jimmy Clausen factor.  And the *Fire Sale* factor, as the Bears have seemingly already tossed in the towel on the 2015 season, trading away Jared Allen and Jonathan Bostic.  The Raiders, who finally have a real head coach in Jack Del Rio, are a team on the rise, with the best young QB in the League, Derek Carr, a dangerous rookie receiver, Amari Cooper, a big, fast young running back, Latavius Murray, and a second year terrorist linebacker Khalil Mack.  Better days are already here for Oakland.  As for the Bears, well, they've got plenty of time to decide between Joey Bosa or Robert Nkemdiche with the first pick in the 2016 draft.  Oakland.  

Houston +6.5 at Atlanta: You can have all the J.J. Watts you want, but if Ryan Mallet is your QB, you ain't got a chance.  Atlanta.

Minnesota +7 at Denver: Somehow, and I have no idea how, the Vikings got their ass kicked in week 1 by the 49ers, but they've played like the team I thought they'd be the last two weeks, knocking the shit out of Matthew Stafford and Phillip Rivers. . .and now they are drawing a bead on turkey neck Peyton Manning. . .get the stretcher ready, boys!  The Broncos are 3-0 for probably the millionth time, and once again, I ain't impressed.  They can't run the ball, and Manning can't throw it deep.  The defense is fairly solid, but can be run on, and now they have to face #28, who seems to be rounding into pre-suspension form.  Minnesota.   

Detroit +10 at Seattle: Last year Jim Caldwell went 11-5 in his first year in Dee-troit, and his playoff loss to Dallas could be explained way due to a bum call by a Cowboy-friendly zebra, so he never really went through the Same Old Lions experience.  He was sure he was on his way to personal fulfillment through football, overcoming institutional racism, etc., etc. and claiming his God-ordained championship. . .he even believed winning the championship in a crappy negro town like Detroit was part of his life's *mission*. . .but now after 3 weeks of Lion football, he's learning a hard Bible lesson: every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord pondereth the hearts.  God has brought Jim Caldwell to learn a lesson he has stubbornly refused to learn in a lifetime of *overcoming:*  There is NO overcoming.  Everything is loss.  And no better way to learn that than through Detroit Lions football.  But anyways, as for on the field issues, hey Caldwell, can you tell me why stumblebum running back Joique Bell, who averages an astonishingly minuscule 1.1 yards per carry, has as many carries as Ameer Abdullah?  How can that be even remotely justified???  The Lions, of course, have ZERO chance of even keeping this game semi-close.  Seattle.  

College Football Week 5 Picks

1-3 vs spread last week, 9-10-1 for the season.

West Virginia +7 at Oklahoma: I had West Virginia, Utah and UCLA as dark horse playoff picks, and they're a combined 11-0.  West Virginia's the most over-looked of the three, but play in the softest conference.  This is the Mountaineers first tough game and first road game of the year.  Oklahoma has been a tough team to get a handle on in the last few years of the Stoops era. . .they play *Traditional Power Entitlement Football,* varying in intensity from week-to-week, some weeks they play hard-nosed defense, like they did against Tennessee, holding the Vols to 250 yards, and then the next week they can't stop Tulsa, giving up over 600 yards. Same bipolar tendencies on offense.  West Virginia is not as talented, but they play that *Second Tier School, Chip On Their Shoulder* football, meaning they play hard for 60 minutes every week.  I'll take my chances with that and 7 points.  West Virginia.  

Texas +17.5 at Texas Christian: My favorite parts of that video are the looks on the faces of the pretty white girl Texas fans.  They probably feel so bad for the punter, they'd give him a cheer-up blowjob.  At this point, even I feel sorry for negro wonder boy coach Charlie Strong. . .man, first the Wronghorns get raped by the refs, raped so bad it looks like the fix is in, then their punter chokes and flubs the game away.  But there's good news this week for Texas: TCU's defense sucks.  But unfortunately, so does Texas', so TCU should be able to score just enough to beat the spread.  Texas Christian. 

Alabama +2.5 at Georgia: Both teams had a question mark at QB to start the season.  Georgia's found a better answer, with 5th year senior transfer Greyson Lambert, who's completed an amazing 33 of his last 35 passes.  Add that to the Dawgs Nick Chubb-led power run game, and you got an offense that has Georgia primed for a playoff spot.  As for Alabama, good team, not as dominant on defense as they used to be, no giant plowhorse NFL-flop running back. . .a good team, kinda boring (except for the Lane Kiffen fucking Nick Saban's daughter rumor)--but they are NOT as good as Georgia.  Mark Richt always has tons of NFL players on his roster, but never quite wins the BIG ONE. . .got to this year, they got a clear path to the playoffs, and can even lose one game, as long as they win the SEC title game. . .got to make the playoffs this year.  Should beat Alabama.  Better team.  Georgia.    

Ohio State -21 at Indiana: Buckeyes were dominant last year against heavyweights Oregon and Alabama, this year, with an even better roster, they struggle against MAC teams.  Doesn't make sense.  Cardale Jones is a Superman against Alabama, but can't handle Northern Illinois?  Don't understand it.  Indiana's 4-0 and some people think this is *their best team in x years.*  They've beaten 4 hamburgers.  Their defense stinks.  Hoosiers lose. But they got enough offense to cover.  Indiana. 

Mississippi -7 at Florida: Florida stole one from Tennessee last week. . .er, rather, Tennessee gave it away.  Whatever.  Jim McElwain's done a decent job in his first year at Florida, but now they play a big boy.. .and lose.  Mississippi.

Notre Dame +1 at Clemson: MARK IT DOWN.  Winner of this game is IN the playoffs, as they both have only two semi-tough games left, and even a split will be good enough to get a spot. The game hinges on whether or not Clemson can stop Irish RB C.J. Prosise, who's averaging 8.1 yards per carry.  They've had two weeks to figure it out.  Clemson.   

NFL Week 3 Picks

3-5 vs spread last week, 7-9-1 for the year. . .

Retard QB Brenda Weeden

Atlanta -1 at Dallas: The Falcons are off to a good start under new coach Dan Quinn, and now the schedule maker tosses them a bone, a trip to play the Cowboys, who will be without Tony Homo and Lez Bryant.  Do you see Brenda Weeden (run out of Cleveland after a short career of bonehead throws like this one) and Teresa Williams out-dueling Matt Ryan and Julio Jones?  I don't.  The only bummer for the Falcons is Tevin Coleman's bum ribs, meaning Atlanta is stuck with slow plowpony Devonta Freeman at RB.  But the Cowboy defense is nowhere near as good as it looked against Samantha Bradley, LaMarqua Murray and the rest of Chump Kelly's Eagles.  Atlanta.

Cincinnati +3 at Baltimore: Huh?  In week 1, the Bengals went to Oakland and beat the shit out of the Raiders.  In week 2, the Ravens went to Oakland and lost, with their vaunted defense giving up 37 points (though maybe their defense shouldn't be vaunted, anymore, now that they ain't got Terrell Suggs), and the Bengals are the underdog?  Cincinnati's defense is actually healthy this year, which gives the Bengals an extra cushion to absorb the inevitable Andy Dalton meltdown, which can occur at anytime.  The Bengals are the better team, plain and simple.  Cincinnati.

Pittsburgh -2 at St. Louis: Just when I thought Jeff Fisher was finally ready to lead the Rams past mediocrity, with their week 1 win over Seattle, the Rams somehow lost to the Redskins, with their blue chip defensive line, which stuffed Marshawn Lynch in the opener, getting gouged for 182 rushing yards, and unable to rattle the usually nervous wreck Kirk Cousins, who completed 23 of 27 passes, with an amazing (for him) 0 ints.  Supposedly Todd Gurley might get a few carries this week--and the Rams will definitely need the boost he can give their offense, as the Steelers get their stud RB Le'Veon Bell back from suspension, not that they missed him last week, shredding the 49ers for 453 yards.  The Rams next two games are at Arizona and Green Bay, they need this one or they're looking at a 1-4 start in what was supposed to be their break-out year.  Fisher and the Rams deliver.  St. Louis.      

Clausen's wife: Proof even
shitty QBs get hot ass

Chicago +14.5 at Seattle: Ha ha ha. . .just what an 0-2 Pete Carroll and the Seahawks desperately needed: a chump team with a chump QB.  For all those who thought Jane Cutler was a loser quarterback. . .well, OK, he might be a loser QB, but wait till you get a load of Jimmy Clausen!  John Fox has won a ton of games with shitty QBs, he even won a playoff game against the Steelers with Tim Tebow, for crying out loud. . .but he can't win with Clausen, which he knows from firsthand experience in their 2010 Carolina season, when Clausen finished as the NFL's lowest-rated QB (Clausen sucks on the field, but off the field he's a winner--check out the pic of his volleyball babe wife).  I would consider this one of the biggest upsets in NFL history if the Bears win.  Seattle.    

Buffalo +2.5 at Miami: I thought before the season started both of these teams could challenge New England in the AFC North, but Tom Brady's 4 game suspension was lifted, and then they played two games and showed they're pretty much the same old Bills and Dolphins, particularly Miami, where a loss last week to league doormat Jacksonville sent south Florida media searching for a scapegoat, which they quickly found in Donkeykong Suh, who allegedly *freelances,* disrupting Miami's leaky defense.  Anyway, the loser crashes to the North basement, with little chance of catching up to the winner, the Patriots or the surprisingly tough Jets, who look like NE's real challenger (at least, until Ryan Fitzpatrick starts screwing up).  The Bills have a better coach, better defense and better ground game, the Dolphins have a better QB and a sure-to-be-angry Donkeykong. Should be a close one, I'll take the points.  Buffalo.

Rolls over every time Joe calls for a pass on 3rd-and-1

Denver -3 at Detroit: After two horrible performances to start the year, Lions fans sense another 12 or 13 loss turd of a season is about to be dropped on them. . .the defense doesn't scare anybody without Donkeykong Suh and Nick Fairley, and the offense, despite having *all the pieces* (Stafford, Johnson, Tate, Ebron, Abdullah), goes backward more than forward.  This is Joe Lombardi's second year as Lion offensive coordinator, and it's a pretty safe bet they ain't gonna be naming any trophies after him anytime soon, like they did for his grandpa Vince.  The Broncos are the worst 2-0 team in the League, getting an ugly win over the Ravens in week 1, and a lucky win over the fumbling Chiefs in week 2.  At this stage in his career, the historically over-rated Peyton Manning is strictly a nickel-and-dime QB, unable to hit the deep ball. . .but the Lions couldn't handle the soft-tossing Teddy Bridgewater last week, so. . .but this is it for Dee-troit, they got to go to Seattle next week.  Any hope of remaining even remotely alive for a Wild Card spot hangs on them beating Denver.  Detroit. 

Kansas City +7.5 at Green Bay: Jamaal Charles fumbled away the game last week, while the Packers handled the Seahawks fairly easily, holding Marshawn Lynch to 41 yards.  Green Bay is better, but the Chiefs are too good to give 7.5 points.  Kansas City.

College Football Week 4 Picks

3-2 vs the spread last week, 8-7-1 for the year (2-0 on UPSET SPECIALS, including Ole Miss over Alabumble). . .

The Punching Bag Coach of the Early Season is Arkan'tsas blowhard Bret Bielema.  Two weeks ago, after blowing hard about Ohio State's sissy schedule being so inferior to the supposedly difficult ones faced by SEC West teams, Bielema's Razorbacks lost at home to marshmallow Toledo. . .and Bret was unmercifully mocked on social media.  Saturday Texas Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury decided to kick the dog Bielema while he was down.  Tech is a *traditional* spread offense team, and Kingsbury is the son of a Texas high school spread coach.  Last year, Arkan'tsas beat the shit out of Tech, pummeling them with old fashioned power run football, and then in the offseason blowhard Bret mocked spread offenses at a Texas high school coaches clinic.  Bret bragged he would kick the ass of any faggy spread offense team that dared play him without using a fullback.  Apparently Kingsbury took Bielema's comments personally, and after the Red Raiders spread and sodomized the Razorbacks, koach Kliff scorned Bielema:

OK.  Bielema is a loudmouth, and a shameless braggart who hasn't really done anything to merit his bragging, and his Arkan'tsas team is one of the early season's biggest flops, but who the Hell is Kingsbury trying to kid with that tough guy act, with his faggot haircut and that faggot flower in his lapel?  Hey, koach, don't be so fucking sensitive, and win a few more games before you go opening your mouth (unless you're heading to the rest stop glory hole).  Right now you just look like a silly ass faggot starting shit over nothing.  
   
Brigham Young University +4.5 at Michigan: I'm surprised the Wolverines are the favorite.  Their two wins have come over lousy teams, mainly because of their defense.  The pass offense is horrible, 5th year senior transfer QB Jake Rudock already has 5 ints and can barely complete a pass more than 10 yards down field, and the running game is nothing special.  BYU won two last minute thrillers over Nebraska and Boise State on Haily Marys from 22 yr old freshman QB Tanner Mangum, then lost in the last minute at UCLA.  BYU looks better across the board.  Brigham Young University.  

Texas Christian University -8 at Texas Tech: OK, koach Kliff, let's see what you can do against a genuine hard ass, TCU's Gary Patterson.  My prediction: Nothing.  TCU.  

Oklahoma State -2.5 at Texas: Ha ha ha. . .negro wonder boy coach Charlie Strong's Wronghorns found yet another way to lose last week, missing a game-tying extra point on the last play against California!  But Charlie was so proud of his losers, fighting back from a 21 point deficit and ALMOST winning (er, tying), he was nearly in tears in his post game press conference. He's sure his Wronghorns are just about to turn the corner.  Yeah.  OK.  But Cal is not really that tough a team, and I would bet cash dollars white man coach Mike Gundy's Cowboys put a butt whipping on the Wronghorns.  Oklahoma State.   

UCLA -3 at Arizona: Big early season Pac-12 South showdown.  UCLA's Jew Freshman QB Josh Rosen had a great first game against crappy Virginia, but has tailed off dramatically the last two weeks, and was downright terrible against BYU, passing for only 106 yards and tossing 3 ints, the Bruins only won because of tailback Paul Perkins 200+ rushing yards.  RichRod has his usual team, killer offense, horseshit defense that needs turnovers and luck to beat the good teams.  I think he gets the turnovers from Rosen and UCLA.  Arizona.

NFL Week 2 Picks

4-4-1 vs the spread last week. . .and here is the no-brainer hi-lite of Week 1:

Ha ha ha ha!!  Couldn't happen to a nicer piece of shit, the smiling rapist Jameis Winston. . .

Hey, Lovie Smith seemed like a decent negro in Chicago, and a fine football coach. . .but he and the Bucs sold their soul for Winston, and now it seems Satan sold them a bill of goods with Famous Jameis, the most unprepared QB I've seen this side of the midget.  

The Bucs need Winston to be the disaster he will be, because they need to learn a little about responsibility, integrity and honesty.  Everything you need to know about Lovie Smith, the Bucs and their need to be punished by the football gods can be learned from this old headline:

Buccaneers Never Talked To Jameis Winston Accuser Because 'They Knew What She Would Say.'

Yeah, they knew she would say Winston raped her. . .

Fuck Tampa for rewarding a rapist. . .

Denver +3 at Kansas City: Remember how Tom Brady looked washed-up early last season, when the Chiefs kicked the shit out of the Patriots?  We are primed for a repeat here, with Peyton Manning, who already looks washed-up after his rough opening week game against Baltimore, getting the bum's rush this time.  Manning looks like he's held together with gauze and pads, and you get the feeling he's one big hit away from being carried off the field on stretcher, permanently.  The Broncos managed to win last despite Manning, because their defense overwhelmed Joe Flacco.  It's tough to win that way two weeks in a row in the NFL.  Kansas City.

Tampa Bay +10 at New Orleans: A NFC South special!  As bad as New Orleans looked in their opening loss to Arizona, Tampa was a 1000x worse.  Jameis Winston is nowhere near ready for the National Football League, and Lovie Smith, who is quickly trashing his Chicago coaching reputation with his catastrophic Florida failure, will NOT win a game this year unless he sits Winston for Mike Glennon, a serviceable NFL QB.  Why Smith refuses to play Glennon, and grasps at straws like Josh *Crybaby* McClown and the rapist Winston, is beyond me. Glennon gave Smith his only Tampa hi-lite, a win in Pittsburgh last year.  Tampa's defense looks like it has quit on the season, already, no doubt because they know their offense, under Winston, is going to leave them in impossible situations week-after-week.  As for the Saints, they looked just as uninspired last week in the Arizona desert as they did for the whole 2014 season.  Sean Payton and Drew Brees may be settling into the same kind of stale football rut that has trapped Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning. . .former champs who the rest of the League caught up to, and now can't find a new path back to the top.  But, of course, it won't matter for the Saints this week.  They could play with 10 men on defense and still befuddle Famous Jameis.  New Orleans. 

Detroit +3 at Minnesota: Ha!  It's only week 2, but there's already Panic In Detroit, after the Lions horrendous collapse in San Diego in week 1, blowing a 21-3 lead, with Matthew Stafford looking as inconsistent as ever, and the Lions Donkeykong Suh-less defense helpless to pressure Chargers statue QB Phillip Rivers, who completed 21 of 23 second half passes for 249 yds and 2 tds, most of them to Keenan Allen, who caught 15 passes for 166 yds, while Matty Stafford could somehow only connect with Calvin Johnson AND Golden Tate a combined 6 times for a paltry 53 yards.  Johnson AND Tate, 6 for 53??  WTF?!?! If it don't turn around against the Vikings, the Lions week 3 home opener could turn into a Sunday Night boo-fest against the Broncos, as the Dee-troit crowd won't be very patient with an 0-2 home team that once again can't move the ball despite having an offense that has *all the pieces.*  As for the Vikings, they laid a huge egg in their opener in SF, unable to stop 49er RB Carlos Hyde, and unable to get their #28 started.  The Vikings looked like they didn't know what to do with Peterson (only 4 carries in the first half?!?!  First possession of the game, after blocking a FG, they get the ball on the SF 26 yd line. . .and throw three straight incomplete passes. . .c'mon, how dumb is that?  Hand the ball to #28. . .ridiculous!).  Teddy Bridgewater still has the weakest arm in the League, couldn't even get the ball into the end zone on a Hail Mary from the 45 yard line.  The loser of this starts 0-2, and might as well start preparing for the draft.  Minnesota.   

New England EVEN at Buffalo: Rex Ryan going against Belichick and Brady again.  He pulled a fast one last week against Andrew Luck, somehow beat the Colts with Tyrod Taylor at QB.  Of course, it helps that the Bills might have the best defense in the National Football League.  The Patriots handled the Steelers with a trio of Brady-to-Gronkowski TD passes. . .Ryan is not going to over look the NE tight end the way Steelers rookie defensive coordinator Keith Butler did.  The Bills take the early lead in the AFC North.  Buffalo.

Tennessee +2.5 at Cleveland: Could the Titans ask for an easier opening to the season?  Week 1 vs the Tampa Bay Winston Flops, Week 2 vs the Cleveland midget?  Marcus Mariota will be thinking the Pac-12 is a tougher league than the NFL, and Tennessee will be the worst 2-0 team in football history.  Tennessee.

Atlanta +3 at New York Giants: Two teams coming off opposite opening week games, the Falcons with an uplifting win over Philly, the Giants suffering a crushing give-away loss to Dallas due to retarded decisions from head coach Tom Coughlin and QB Eli Manning.  The Giants have been barely keeping their head above water the last few years under old Tom Coughlin, who seems like he won't quit unless he can go out a winner, but he probably should have hung up the headset two years ago.  The Giants look played-out, while the Falcons look fresh, or at least fresh like Seattle East.  Atlanta.

Dallas +3 at Philadelphia: The Cowboys got lucky when the Giants got stuck on stupid late in week 1, and gave Dallas a win, but then got unlucky with an injury to Dez Bryant.  The Eagles got stuck on chickenshit football late vs Atlanta, and then got stuck on Samantha Bradford's rag arm. . .if the Eagles lose this one, you will begin to hear some noise from the veterans in the Eagles locker room, questioning all of autocrat Chip Kelly's off-season moves.  Tough, tough game to call.  The Eagles need it more.  Philadelphia.

Seattle +3.5 at Green Bay: Rematch of last year's NFC title game, which the Pack choked away in Seattle.  Green Bay opened with a road win over Chicago, but their run defense got steamrolled by Matt Forte, and now they face an angry Marshawn Lynch, who got stuffed in OT by the Rams last week.  Also a little troubling for GB, Aaron Rodgers didn't have any big plays down the field without Jordy Nelson.  Still, they won a division road game, while Seattle really didn't look ready for the season to begin, they let the Rams jump them, and then after catching up, screwed up the kick-off in OT and then had the final 4th down run smothered.  Not sharp, not focused, and now they have to fine-tune everything in a week, while Green Bay is ready and waiting for a another chance at the Seahawks.  Green Bay.   

College Football Week 3 Picks

1-1-1 vs spread last week, 5-5-1 for the year. . .

Air Force +28 at Michigan State: Letdown for Spartans after big (lucky) win over Oregon + little time to prep for Air Force's triple option means MSU wins, but can't cover the 28.  Air Force. 

Georgia Tech +2.5 at Notre Dame: Big, big game of Playoff contenders, with the winner looking to have a solid shot at getting one of the 4 spots.  Notre Dame lost starting QB Malik Zaire last week, but back-up QB DeShone Kizer managed to throw a last second game-winning TD pass to keep the Irish from an embarrassing upset loss to Virginia.  Georgia Tech averaged an astounding 8.5 yards per carry in their two wins over shitty teams to begin the season.  They won't get 8.5 against ND, but nobody stops Tech's ground game.  The key for Tech is avoiding turnovers, and hitting a couple big passes.  I would pick Tech even if the Irish had Zaire.  This is Paul Johnson's 8th year at Tech, and this is when good coaches generally hit their peak, with their the second generation class, before hitting the plateau, and then fading.  Georgia Tech is well-oiled, well-coached run machine primed to grind down ND with their four quarters ground attack.  Georgia Tech.   

Auburn +7.5 at Louisiana State: Auburn barely avoided a humiliating loss to Jacksonville State last week, while Les Miles and LSU almost choked away an EZ win at Mississippi State.  While Les has a great running back in Leonard Fournette and a typically tough Tiger defense, once again he's stuck with mediocre QB play.  LSU is one of those teams that can beat anybody, and lose to anybody, because of their inconsistent QBing. I like LSU to win, but not cover.  Auburn.  

South Carolina +15.5 at Georgia: Jadeveon Clowney babied himself his last season at South Carolina, malingering with phantom injuries to protect his draft status. . .and that softness has seemed to spread throughout the program, the Gamecocks have been playing like Lamecocks ever since, with last week's home loss to Kentucky a new low for the old ball coach Steve Spurrier, who's probably regretting he didn't call it quits after last year.  Georgia, like most SEC teams, doesn't have a quality quarterback. . .but that won't matter against the Lamecocks, who don't have near the toughness to stand up to the Dawgs power run game.  Nick Chubb can beat SC with 10 carries.  Georgia.    

Mississippi +7.5 at Alabama: Ole Miss has been the SEC's most impressive team the first two weeks, scoring over 70 each game. . .of course, they've played scrub teams.  Still, new QB Chad Kelly, a college vagabond and former high school blue-chipper with *off-the-field issues* and the nephew of the old Buffalo Bills 4-time Super Bowl loser Jim Kelly, looks like he can actually throw the ball, unlike most SEC QBs. . .and the Rebels are getting 7.5 against a Bama team that looks fairly ordinary on offense.  UPSET SPECIAL.  Mississippi.  

NFL Week 1 Picks

Pittsburgh +7 at New England: The Patriots lost a lot off their Super Bowl defense, and did nothing to boost their nickel-and-dime offense.  But they got Tom Brady's suspension over-turned, and now it's the Steelers who are short-handed due to the suspensions of stud running back Le'Veon Bell and #2 receiver Martavis Bryant. . .but Deangelo Williams and Markus Wheaton ought to pick up enough of the slack to allow Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown and the rest of the Steeler offense to score enough to spring a mild upset.  Pittsburgh.

Kansas City +1 at Houston: After getting stabbed in the back last year by Mike Pettine and being benched for the midget, Brian Hoyer gets a chance to show how colossally wrong the Browns were.  But this is a tough first game for Hoyer, with no Arian Foster to slow down the Chiefs pass rush.  KC added Jeremy Maclin to give their Jamal Charles-charged offense a downfield threat, and if they can fix their leaky run defense, they have the makings of serious Super Bowl contender.  Kansas City.

Indianapolis -2.5 at Buffalo: Well, it's déjà vu all over again for Rex Ryan.  Just like with the Jets, he's got a monster defense and a stumblebum offense directed by an amateur QB. . .this time around it's Tyrod Taylor.  Ryan must think there's some rule in the NFL where you aren't allowed to score more than 17 points in a game.  The Bills have a pass rush that can fluster Andrew Luck, but the Colts added two old warhorses, Frank Gore and Andre Johnson, to make his life easier, and even if he tosses a couple INTs, the Colts can still outscore a bum Bills offense that is hamstrung by a hamstringy LeSean McCoy.  Indianapolis.

Miami -3.5 at Washington: Ha ha ha! The Redskins were celebrating getting their owner's permission to bench RGIII. . .they must have forgot their (old) new QB is turnover machine Kirk Cousins.  The Redskins are a mess all the way down the line, with an idiot owner, a clown head coach, and a bipolar locker room full of players who know how to lose. Won't work.  It's now or never for goofy-looking Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin.  They busted the bank to get football's best tackle, Donkeykong Suh, to remedy their mediocre run defense, and they play in a division full of shitty or suspended QBs.  No excuses for Philbin this year.  It's the playoffs or the pink slip.  The Dolphins should be able to crush the trainwreck Redskins.  If they somehow fumble this game away, look out, panic will set in IMMEDIATELY.  Miami.

Seattle -4 at St. Louis: The Seahawks catch the Rams at the right time: Todd Gurley ain't 100% yet, and that means the Rams offense is still sub-par. Should be a low-scoring sack fest with the Seahawks out-field goaling the Rams.  Seattle.

Detroit +3 at San Diego: Just as it's Joe Philbin's now or never year in Miami, this is Matthew Stafford's now or never year in Detroit. Once again he supposedly has *all the pieces* around him: Calvin Johnson, Golden Tate, a break-out year Eric Ebron, and the latest piece, rookie running back Ameer Abdullah.  Even without Donkeykong Suh, the Lions should have enough defense to win--as long as Stafford puts the points on the board.  If he don't, by the end of the year the Ford Field boo birds will be merciless.  But the Chargers are the perfect team for Stafford to start off against.  Their feeble pass rush would have trouble knocking over a mannequin, so Matty S. ought to have plenty of time to hit a few downfield bombs to Johnson and Tate. . .but if he don't, look out, panic will set in IMMEDIATELY.  Detroit.

Tennessee +3 at Tampa Bay, The Draft Flop Bowl:  Ha ha ha. . .Winston vs Mariota.  I don't think there has ever been a draft with two worse top picks.  All off-season I was convinced Mariota would be the first bust, that it would take a year or two for the Law to catch Winston in a rape or felonious assault, and then his career would go into the toilet because of suspensions and/or prison time.  But man, he may be a quicker on field bust than rag-armed Mariota.  Winston has looked SHITTY during the pre-season.  Both these teams are horrible, Tennessee's Ken Whisencunt is hated by his own players. . .this may be the single worst game of the entire NFL season, with the loser able to make a real run at 0-16.  Can't believe I am actually picking the Titans, but in a game between two turds, take the one getting the points.  Tennessee.

Philadelphia -3 at Atlanta: Quite an intriguing game.  I pick the Falcons to win the NFC South, simply because I believe their new coach, Dan Quinn, can fix their defense and restore a power run game, making Matt Ryan look like the more-than-serviceable QB he was earlier in his career when he had Michael Turner to hand off to.  But they got a tough draw for game 1.  Chip Kelly put his chips on the table with the Samantha Bradford gamble. . .and, surprise, it has looked like a winner in the pre-season. . .of course, these scrimmages can be deceiving, and perhaps when the real games begin Bradford will crumple into the old dink-and-dime china doll he's always been.  The rest of the Eagle offense is loaded, they got tons of running backs, led by DeMarco Murray, and Jordan Matthews should turn into a Big Time #1 receiver this year.  This game hinges on whether or not Bradford is for real.  I think not.  And Quinn knows how to rattle Samantha from his days in Seattle when he coached against the Bradford-led Rams.  Here's a shaky pick for:  Atlanta.

Minnesota -2.5 at San Francisco: Blow out.  Vikes all the way.  Minnesota is a team on the rise, with a smart head coach assembling a premier defense to go with a low-risk offense that gets #28 back to help weak-armed QB Teddy Bridgewater's ball control game.  The 49ers are an even bigger mess than the Redskins, with dumber ownership running Jim Harbaugh out of town, a weirder (and regressing) QB, and seemingly half the roster injured, suspended or arrested.  I predict the 49ers will be booed off the field at half-time.  Minnesota.

College Football Week 2 Picks

4-4 vs the spread last week. . .

And what a week for the negro wonder boy coaches!!  Ha ha ha!  David Shaw's Stanford lost to white man Pat Fitzgerald's Northwestern, James Franklin's Penn State took 10 QB sacks in an ugly upset loss to Temple, first time PSU has lost to the Owls since 1941, and our pick for Negro Flop Coach of the Year, Charlie Strong, got off to a sizzling start as his Texas Wronghorns suffered an amazingly humiliating 38-3 defeat against Notre Dame.  After being out-gained 527-163 in total yards, Strong, who led the nation last year in claiming moral victories, said I don't think we're going backwards.  We just somehow have to get the thing moving forward.  Ha ha ha!  OK, Coach.  Good luck with that master plan!  How inept were Strong's Wronghorns?  In his post-game press conference, Irish head coach Brian Kelly tried to be a gracious winner and find something complimentary to say about Texas football.  This was what he came up with:

Ha ha ha ha!!  They travel well!  That's all Kelly could find positive about negro wonder boy Charlie Strong's Wronghorns!!  I'm sure that will make the football fanatics down in Austin real proud of what Charlie has done with the Texas program. . .

Not many games worth a shit this week. . .

Oklahoma EVEN at Tennessee: Both teams pummeled MAC schools in week 1, but only Oklahoma's defense shut down the mid-major competition, as Tennessee gave up over 550 yards to Bowling Green.  Oklahoma. 

Oregon +3 at Michigan State: Not as big a game as last year's, as Michigan State can lose this game and still get a Playoff spot as long as they win out and beat Ohio State.  Oregon, on the other hand, needs to win this one, as it's doubtful they can go undefeated in the tougher PAC-12.  Both teams pass defenses were horrible in week 1, but I have more confidence MSU can tighten up.  Michigan State.

Louisiana State -3 at Mississippi State: We'll see just how deep of a program Dan Mullen has built as MSU.  He's got the SEC's best QB, Dak Prescott, back, but most of the rest of the starters from last year's surprise 10 win team are gone.  Can Mississippi State sustain, or are they going to be one of those programs that has to rebuild every two or three years? LSU has all the pieces to win a National Title. . .except the most important one: QB.  Two teams it's hard to get a feel for this early in the season.  Going with LSU's ground game to wear down the MSU defense.  LSU.