NFL Week 16 Picks

5-3-1 vs the spread last week, 50-59-3 for the season. . .

Listen.  Marvin Lewis, that old fox, has credentials.  He's the greatest negro coach in football history.  Tony Dungy and Mike Tomlin won Super Bowls, sure.  They had Peyton Manning and Big Ben.  It ain't Lewis' fault he's had Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton.  

Lewis invented the greatest defense in professional football history while serving as the Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator.  He's had a ton of coaches eating his crumbs and earning big jobs in the NFL, all because they had the luck to follow or coach with him in Baltimore or Cincinnati.    Mike Nolan, Mike Smith, Rex Ryan, Chuck Pagano, Mike Zimmer. . .all cashed in with Lewis' invention.  They didn't invent it.  They copied it.  Basically Jap coaches, is what they are. Take somebody's else invention, and sell a cheaper version.  But the point is, Lewis, that old fox, has credentials.  And he's that old school tight-lipped coach.  Spouts the coach cliches.  The opponent is very talented, there is such a thin line separating the teams in the League, when you see them on film you are very impressed, they are just a play or two away from blah, blah, blah.  Such-and-such a player creates major problems for the defense, we have to stick to our assignments or such-and-such a guy will take advantage of our breakdowns and beat us with explosion plays, blah, blah, blah.  Lewis, that old fox, ain't gonna say anything remotely disrespectful about an opposition player, ain't gonna give them even that tiny, tiny psychological edge.

So the cat was out of the bag when Marvin Lewis dismissed any notion of anxiety about preparing to face the Johnny Football-led Cleveland Browns.  No, no problem, Lewis replied when asked if it would be difficult to prepare for Johnny Football, no problem, particularly when the guy is a midget.  

He mocked the other team's QB!  

The cat is out of the bag.  

When the normally tight-lipped Lewis laughs at the other team's QB, you know he don't have a fucking care in the world about going against that guy.  He knows the guy can't beat him.  So he can speak honestly.  He can say whatever he wants.  He can call Johnny Football a cocksucker--who cares?  Ain't nothing that midget can do about it.  Marvin Lewis told the whole world Johnny Manziel don't have the ability to win.  

Lewis has the credentials to back his ability as a talent evaluator.  Lewis had no respect for Johnny Football.  When he told that interviewer Johnny Football was no cause for worry, that he was a midget, he told the whole world he was absolutely 100% certain his team would beat that midget's ass.  And that's exactly what happened.  30-0.  And it wasn't even that close.  His own QB, Andy Dalton, had a shitty game.  The Bengals could have won 75-0.  The Browns were never competitive.  Johnny Football did nothing on the field except a couple Curly shuffles before throwing footballs that seemed to be filled with helium.  

Here's the real question: How in Hell did Marvin Lewis know Johnny Football was a joke, but not Browns coach Mike Pettine?  Pettine seen this guy in practice all year.  He had to know the guy was a midget with a girl's arm.  And so he proved himself, like most football coaches, to be as dumb as the average fan.  He thought all the hype, all the college crap, was magic, and despite what he had seen all year in practice, once he gave the midget the starting job, Johnny Football would bewitch the Bengals, leaving them grasping at air, as he scrambled away from giant defensive ends and tossed 50 yard TD passes.  But all Pettine (who threw Brian Hoyer under the bus) got was Eddie Gaedel, QB #1/8.  A joke.  A stunt.  A gimmick.  The Browns season is deservedly over, after Pettine's pathetic stunt.  After the game, Pettine realized he'd drunk Johnny Football Kool-Aid. In his press conference, he was utterly depressed, sounded suicidal. . .and really, the Browns have committed football suicide with their colossal mistake.  Johnny Football is a little quarterback, and Pettine's error in judgment is gigantic.

The poor Browns fans.  They waited all year for the magic.  They filled the stadium, ready to celebrate a New Brown Football Age.  This was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but literally one offensive series into the game, Browns fans realized they'd been sheep led to the slaughter.  A psychic black cloud settled over northeastern Ohio, there would be no football opium for the Cleveland masses.  They sat embarrassed in the stadium, witnessing The Quarterback's New Clothes. . .their football leader was exposed, and is now the laughingstock of the sporting world.

Minnesota +7 at Miami: Two coaches headed in opposite directions.  Mike Zimmer has done a helluva job in his first year with the Vikings.  Seen them twice this year, in weeks 6 and 15 against Detroit.  The improvement is obvious, plus the Vikings played hard for the full sixty in both games, and have played tough all year, with only a game against GB and a game against NE in which they were outclassed.  The Vikings outplayed Detroit last week, and if they weren't suffering the growing pains of a rookie QB (INTs, poor clock awareness), they would have won.  The Vikings will be a team to watch next year.  As for Miami, their goofy-looking coach is on his way out the door.  The Dolphins froze the last two weeks in big games.  For the second consecutive year they are playing tight, scared, pussy football at the end, as they wilt under the stretch run heat.  Bet the house on the Vikings, the Dolphins season is over, and they're playing this one with the crippling self-awareness they're chokers.  Minnesota.  

Baltimore -4.5 at Houston: Look, the Texans themselves are all the proof needed that J.J. Watt is not, nor can he ever be, the MVP.  He had another *huge* game with a couple sacks and a few tackles last week, yet WITHOUT A QB, it didn't mean squat, as Houston couldn't come close to scoring enough points to beat the Colts.  The NFL is all about the QB. . .it's a QB League.  Houston and J.J. Watt are once again going nowhere. . .cuz they ain't got a QB.  You cannot seriously make the case a DE on a team out of the playoffs is more valuable than Aaron Rodgers.  You take Watt off the Texans, and they are the same fucking thing: an also-ran.  You take Rodgers off the Packers, and they fall from Super Bowl contenders to also-ran.  And how come the Ravens' Elvis Dumervil ain't getting MVP hype?  He's got more sacks than Watt, and he's playing on a team currently in a playoff spot.  The UNSPOKEN (outside of here) truth is: if Dumervil were a nice white boy like Watt, he would be getting MVP hype.  And if Watt were a negro, he wouldn't get two votes.  Baltimore.  

Detroit -7 at Chicago: This is it for the Lions.  Win, and they clinch at least a wild card spot. . .lose to the terrible Chicago Bears, who appear to have quit on their faggot lame-du/ick coach Marc Trestman, and they'll probably have to do something they haven't done in 23 years to get into the post-season: win at Green Bay.  The Lions have won 10 games for only the ninth time in their sorry eighty-one year history, and I suppose you could say that makes this season a success for first-year Lions head coach, negro Jim Caldwell.  But if you can't win a money game against a team already in the off season, and get that playoff spot, then you are the Same Old Lions.  Am I really betting negro Jim Caldwell, the LAST guy I wanted to see hired, is the coach who can finally overcome decades of institutionalized shitty football and remake the Lions into a reasonable facsimile of a decent Professional Football Team?  The Bears looked AWFUL against the Saints Monday night.  How in Hell can they beat the Lions?  No way.  But. . .the Same Old Lions might be waiting to the very end to make their first 2014 appearance.  Those Cats can always find a way to lose.  Chicago.

Cleveland EVEN at Carolina: I cannot pick the midget, even against Derek Anderson.  Carolina. 

Atlanta +6.5 at New Orleans: This game basically decides the NFC Goodwill division, barring a complete last week choke (which really wouldn't be that shocking, given the natures of all three teams still in the *fight*) by the winner or a weird combination of choking and Panther wins not worth bothering to figure out here.  Anyways. . .New Orleans looks better than they really are, because they are coming off an EZ win over the corpse of the Bears.  The Falcons have lost two in a row, but they were to good teams, and they played respectable in both.  Atlanta really hasn't played a lousy game since week 7 against the Ravens, and, in point of fact, a lot of their losses they simply gave away with end game bungling.  This looks like an evenly matched game, the first one between these teams went into OT, and that could happen here, also.  No way the Saints can cover.  Atlanta.       

Kansas City +3 at Pittsburgh: The Chiefs are the first team out in the AFC playoff picture. Win this one, and they sneak back in.  But I don't see that happening.  The strength of the Chiefs is their pass rush, but old Big Ben in Pittsburgh is one tough son of a bitch to rattle around. . .and the Chiefs soft run defense is going to get worked over by Le'Veon Bell.  Kansas City has the worst wide-outs in the League, and they just won't be able to score enough to hang with the Steelers.  Season over.  Pittsburgh.

Indianapolis +3 at Dallas: I was surprised how easily the Cowboys handled the Eagles last week.  Their rag-tag defense and fragile psyches are holding up just well enough to where the Cowboys look like they are going to win the NFC East.  I said in my season preview Indianapolis would be the Iowa of the NFL, a lousy team that would look better than it really was because of a weak schedule and a weak division.  And that's exactly what the Colts are.  They'll be hosting a playoff game, and they'll lose.  Dallas.

Seattle -9 at Arizona: Ha.  Arizona is the Division leader, and at home. . .and they are a 9 point underdog!  Why?  Because the National Football League is a QB League. . .and Arizona don't got no QB.  They might not score a single point against the Seahawks red-hot defense.  This game is a perfect example of why J.J. Watt cannot be the MVP.  You got to have a QB, or you're nothing.  Even though the Cardinals are the current #1 seed in the NFC, they are the team everyone wants to play in the post season.  I'd take the Goodwill division winner over the Cardinals.  They just can't score.  Seattle may only have to put 10 on the board to cover, but listen, their offense ain't shit, either.    Seahawks win, but don't cover. Arizona.

Denver -3 at Cincinnati: Interesting.  I haven't heard Marvin Lewis trash-talking Peyton Manning this week.  I wonder why?  The Bengals have to go back to playing against a real Professional quarterback this week. . .and even though Manning's been looking a little long in the tooth the last half of the season, he'll be a bit more of a challenge for the Bengals defense than Johnny Football.  Plus the Broncos are running the Hell out of the ball now, making them an even more dangerous playoff team.  Andy Dalton continues to alternate good and bad games, he sucked against the Browns, so he's due for a good one here.  Cincy also sports a strong run game, so this one may come down to whichever defense shuts down the ground attack.  Denver's #2 in run defense, the Bengals #24.  Denver.