Coaches, Playoff Picks (College & NFL)

So the Jets, Falcons, 49ers, Bears and Raiders need new coaches?  Good luck.  

The 49ers definitely ain't gonna be gettin' an upgrade at coach.  And probably not the Jets or the Falcons, either.  The Raiders probably will.  Only the Bears, after firing the incompetent faggot *QB Guru* Marc Trestman, are a safe bet to get an upgrade.

The next coach usually ain't no better than the last coach. . .

Let's face it, most football coaches suck, that's why guys like Belichick win 75% of their games, they coach against morons 11 or 12 weeks every year.  

The odds against picking out a Belichick from the coaching turds are sky high. . .for example, let's look at (and rank) 2014's seven new coaches. . .

1. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota.  Vikings were 5-11 in 2013, and 7-9 under Zimmer in 2014.  The Vikings played hard week-in and week-out, and actually won more games while breaking in a weak-armed rookie QB.  Zimmer also had to deal with the #28 child abuse mess.  The Vikings got better in all phases of the game as the season progressed, particularly on defense.  The Vikings will probably pass the Lions as the main NFC North competitor to Green Bay next year.  An upgrade over what they had.

2. Bill O'Brien, Houston.  Texans were 2-14 in 2013, and 9-7 under O'Brien in 2014.  It's hard to tell how much credit O'Brien should get for the Texans *turnaround,* as the 2013 2-14 record was the result of a perfect football storm of a QB disintegrating, star RB and other key player injuries, and the final incapacitation of an unstable head coach.  Everybody felt the Texans were an easy fix, but still, we must give O'Brien some credit, as he had to deal with an another godawful mess at QB.  Now that he's got the Texans back to where they were in Gary Kubiak's heyday, his future employment will depend on him getting the Texans to the next level, which means winning a playoff game.  An upgrade over what they had.

3. Jim Caldwell, Detroit.  Lions were 7-9 in 2013, and 11-5 under Caldwell in 2014.  The Lions won the close games this year that they lost last year under Psycho Jim Schwartz, but they also had a much easier schedule, as only two of their eleven victories came against teams with winning records.  The area which Caldwell was specifically charged with improving, team discipline, was a failure, as they committed even more penalties in '14, and in the late season money games Greaseball Dominic Raiola and Donkey Kong Suh received game suspensions for bonehead cheap shots.  Not an upgrade over what they had.  Same Old Lions.

4. Jay Gruden, Washington. Redskins were 3-13 in 2013, and 4-12 under Gruden in 2014.  Gruden was a definite upgrade in post game press conference entertainment, featuring withering assessments of his team's failures, especially QB Diva Robert Griffin III.  But on the playing field?  More of the same.  Not an upgrade over what they had.  

5. Mike Pettine, Cleveland.  Browns were 4-12 in 2013, and 7-9 under Pettine in 2014.  After 11 weeks Pettine was the clear-cut front-runner for Rookie Coach of the Year, guiding the downtrodden Browns to a 7-4 record.  But then an ugly five game season-ending losing streak, due to a catastrophic mishandling of the QB situation, destroyed all improvement and created a locker room schism, and left the Browns with an even cloudier future.  Not only is Pettine responsible for the sorry QB mess, but he failed at rehabilitating the NFL's best receiver, Josh Gordon, who by season's end was back to his partying ways.  Not an upgrade over what they had.

6. Lovie Smith, Tampa Bay.  Buccaneers were 4-12 in 2013, and 2-14 under Smith in 2014.  A colossal flop from the beginning.  Smith doomed himself to failure by believing the 5 game hot-streak Josh McClown put up with the Bears in 2013 meant he was something other than what he really was, a career journeyman back-up.  Mike Glennon is clearly a better QB, but Smith stubbornly refused to admit his mistake, and the losses piled up, and now they can't give the job back to Glennon, but have to draft Marcus Mariota to win back the fan base. So there's no hope of any immediate significant improvement for next year.  Lovie was a fine coach with the Bears, and a shocking failure in his first year with Tampa, and I see little hope for him in the future. Not an upgrade over what they had.

7. Ken Whisenhunt, Tennessee.  Titans were 7-9 in 2013, and 2-14 under Whisenhunt in 2014.  Worst coach of the year.  Not even close. Tennessee was significantly worse all across the board.  Thank God he turned down the Lions for the Titans.  A humorless my-way-or-the-highway autocrat who didn't have a single answer as the Titans rolled over and lost their last ten games, including defeats at the hands of bottom feeders the Jets, Redskins and Jaguars.  The Titans owner should have been alarmed at his team's lack of fight, but apparently is too proud to admit the monumental mistake this hiring was.  Absolutely no hope for Tennessee next year.  Not an upgrade over what they had.

So only two out of seven new coaches were an upgrade.  

Like I said, good luck Falcons, Jets, 49ers, Bears and Raiders, you're going to need it. . .

College Playoff Picks:

Oregon -9 vs Florida State: Florida State could have easily lost 3 or 4 games, and it's tempting to figure this is the game they finally get their due.  But listen, the University completed their deal with the Devil, and sold their football soul by giving the Hymen Trophy winner a free pass on his rape of a white gal.  And now I got this sick feeling in my stomach that the rest of the Semen*oles* are willing to believe the rape whitewash, and will play their first distraction-free game of the year.  Florida State. 

Alabama -9 over Ohio State: Let's just see how wide the gap is between the Big 10 and the SEC.  I'll be shocked if Ohio State covers.  The Buckeyes are soft on defense, and while J.T. Barrett or Braxton Miller might have been able to put a few points on the board, I don't see Alabama struggling to contain 3rd string QB Cardale Jones.  If Ohio only loses by 20, Urban Meyer will have done a helluva coaching job.  Alabama.   

NFL Wildcard Playoff Picks:

Arizona +5.5 at Carolina: Because Arizona has a horrible QB, Carolina is the EZ pick. . .but Carolina is still a losing team and their season-ending 4 game win streak came against New Orleans, Tampa, Cleveland and Atlanta, so let's not get carried away with how *hot* they are. . .and their offense still sucks, and this thing about how well Jonathan Stewart is running the ball, I ain't buying it in the playoffs.  I think the Cardinals can shut down the Panthers, and win the game with defense and special teams.  Arizona.  

Baltimore +3 at Pittsburgh: Baltimore wheezed into the playoffs, barely beating an in-turmoil Browns team that couldn't wait for the off-season to begin.  Le'Veon Bell might not play, but I don't think it will matter against a rickety, disappointing Ravens team.  Pittsburgh.

Cincinnati +4 at Indianapolis: Andy Dalton in the Playoffs?  0-3, 1 td, 6 ints.  Indianapolis.

Detroit +8 at Dallas: <sigh> No Suh.  OK.  So reports are Teryl Austin is gonna get HC interviews, including one already set with Atlanta.  So let's see how Austin's defense plays without Suh.  If they hold the Cowboys under 30, without Suh and Fairley, then Austin's a genius.  Dallas.