NFL Week 15 Picks

A tiny 2-7 vs the spread last week, now short 45-56-2 for the season. . .

Well, that's fitting, since this is Dwarf Awareness Week in the NFL. . .and in honor of the League's concern for the rights of little people, we play the following heart-warming video:

Arizona +4.5 at St. Louis: 10-3 Arizona is an underdog to the 6-7 Rams. . .well, it's all about the QBs.  The Cardinals offense has been sorry as shit since Carson Palmer went down, with back-up Drew Stanton unable to hit more than half his passes.  The refs gave the Cardinals a gift win last week, with a late game phantom fumble call against KC.  The Rams have been the badass team I thought they would be at the beginning of the season, now that Shaun Hill is healthy, and their defense is destroying everything in its path, posting back-to-back shut-outs against the Raiders and Redskins, not the most explosive offenses, sure, but hell, now they get the derelict Cardinals and have a legitimate shot at a goose egg hat trick.  4.5 seems a little high, but the Rams are red hot.  St. Louis.  

The Dwarf Awareness Game of the Week:

Cincinnati -1 at Cleveland: Ha ha ha. . .man, that came out of left field.  Marvin Lewis is the type that don't say shit, even if he has a mouthful, and here he mocks the opposing QB.  So Johnny Football is now the Sheriff, the Mayor and the starting QB in Cleveland.  And you know Johnny Smalls is practicing right now.  Practicing how to taunt Lewis and the Bengals after his first td pass or rushing touchdown.  And that, apparently, is the problem with Johnny Smalls, too much time spent on the sideshow stuff, and not enough on the (not very taxing) mechanics of the position, details of the game plan, etc.  Now Marvin is apologizing all over the place for calling little Johnny Football a midget.  I'm sorry to see that.  Obviously Marvin didn't have much respect for Johnny Football, and didn't seem the slightest bit worried about having to face him this Sunday.  You said it, coach, and you should have just rode it out, trusting your defense would beat his midget ass.  And they will.  The Browns season ends with at least one Johnny Football fumble and two Johnny Football INTs.  Cincinnati.

Pittsburgh -3 at Atlanta: The Falcons put a late scare into the Packers, before falling a little short.  No matter, they still lead the NFC Goodwill division, and their now-seeming main competitor, the Panthers, have a QB with a bum back. . .so the Falcons look like a lock to win the Goodwill, no matter the outcome of this game.  Listen, the Steelers have a better offense than Green Bay, because they got that monster negro RB Le'Veon Bell running wild, in addition to Big Ben and all those great receivers.  The only team that has been able to stop the Steelers this year is the Steelers, they play down to their competition.  But now it's money time, the Steelers are chasing the playoffs, I see no way they sleep through this one, and that is bad news for the Falcons defense.  I don't see how the Falcons can keep the Steelers under 35.  And all Dick LeBeau has to do is figure out a way to keep Julio Jones somewhat under control, and the Steelers defense should hold the Falcons to 28 or less.  It's as simple as this, Pittsburgh is a Super Bowl offense, with a 9-7 defense and a 7-9 coach.  The Falcons are a Wild Card offense, with a 4-12 defense and a 10-6 coach.  Simple, right?  Pittsburgh.  

Houston +6.5 at Indianapolis: Another week, another heap of J.J. Watt hype.  Now he's an MVP candidate! Please.  Watt has a lot of sacks (but, uh, not the most in the League), and the Texans use him as a gimmick in their goal line offense, but the last I checked, Houston was 7-6 and headed nowhere.  And this MVP is the *pillar* of the League's #25 ranked defense.  So without him they're the #30 or #32 defense, and that makes a difference how? Watt is one of the better DEs in the League, but he ain't Aaron Rodgers.  You think the Packers would trade Rodgers for Watt?  Listen, I guarantee you the Texans, who've never had even a mediocre QB, would trade Watt to the Falcons for Matt Ryan. . .if Atlanta were dumb enough to make that trade.  A sack-and-a-half a game and a few gimmick TDs do not an MVP make.  Watch this game, and tell me who has a bigger impact, J.J. Watt or Andrew Luck?  Indianapolis.

Miami +7.5 at New England: The Dolphins are in the process of backing out of the playoffs for the second straight year, and that means the end for their goofy-looking coach.  They had a 10-0 lead at home against the Ravens last week, then froze, and Baltimore ended up cracking them to pieces, 28-13.  A sorry performance in a money game.  The Dolphins are dead.  Their goofy-looking coach will toss them back into the water, but they'll just wash up on the shores of New England, with crabs picking at their carcass.  Patriots.

Green Bay -4.5 at Buffalo: I could be wrong, and at 45-56-2, I usually am, but I got the feeling the Packers might have peaked.  They had a run of home games with huge early leads, but last week the Falcons fought back.  This could be a dangerous game for Green Bay, they got to get back out on the road, and this is Buffalo's last hurrah.  Lose this, and its another lost season.  It's hard to imagine Kyle Orton besting Aaron Rodgers, but the Bills defense is legit, they just handled Peyton Manning in Denver. . .but unfortunately they forgot to stop the run, and ended up losing 24-17.  I don't know, Aaron Rodgers and the Packers just seem a little too full of themselves, Rodgers even taunted Stephen Tulloch with his little Discount Dance schtick or whatever the fuck that is.  I just got a feeling the Packers are due for a punch in the nose.  UPSET SPECIAL.  Buffalo.  

Minnesota +8 at Detroit: In his first year with the Vikings, Mike Zimmer has done one of the better coaching jobs in the League.  Week-by-week, Minnesota is getting better on both sides of the ball, and they've already won more games than they did last year. . .and that's without #28, and with a rookie QB.  This game should make Lions fans nervous as a cat.  The Lions are hanging on to the last NFC playoff spot, and they can't afford a slip-up in their final home game of the year.  The Same Old Lions would lose this game on a last second field goal, after 59 minutes of turnovers, blown assignments and dumb penalties, then wet themselves in the season-ending road games at Chicago and Green Bay and once again let the playoffs play off without them.  13 weeks into the season, and we're still waiting to see what the Lions are made of.  Matthew Stafford's coming off his two best games of the year, and they need him to keep rolling if they want to get blown out in Atlanta or Philly in the first round of the post season.  And this will probably be free-agent-to-be Donkey Kong Suh's last Lion home game, as he seems ready to bolt the Motor City for a more glamorous market to build his imaginary brand.  Detroit never won shit with Suh, but still, it was fun to watch him, like last week, when he terrorized poor Josh McClown of Tampa.  Let's hope he slings Teddy Bridgewater to the ground a couple times in his Ford Field finale.  Thanks for the memories, Donkey Kong.  Detroit.

San Francisco +10 at Seattle: The 49ers lost to the Raiders last week.  The Raiders.  And it wasn't some fluke due to turnovers or a bum call or a lucky bounce.  The Raiders simply beat their ass, while taunting the hapless Niner QB Colin Halfernigger. Halfernigger continued his alarming regression from a pretty decent QB into a stumblebum best suited to back-up Matt Schaub.  The 49ers are DONE.  Jim Harbaugh is GONE.  Even the 49er defense looked like they were ready for the season to end, as they stood around watching rookie Derek Carr carve them up with nickel-and-dime passes.  Now they go to Seattle to face the peaking Seahawks?  The Seahawks defense has been nearly perfect the last three weeks, and now get the Halfernigger train wreck. I'll be shocked if the San Francisco offense scores a touchdown.  10 points isn't nearly enough.  Seattle.

Dallas +3 at Philadelphia: The winner is the odds on favorite to win the NFC East. . .the loser is stuck fighting Detroit and the NFC West #2 for the Wild Card spots.  The Eagles beat the shit out of the Cowboys in Dallas on Thanksgiving.  What's changed in a couple weeks that now somehow Dallas can go into Philly and pull a reversal?  Nothing.  Philadelphia. 

New Orleans -3 at Chicago:  Man, how do they figure a favorite in this game?  The Bears actually showed a little spirit against the Cowboys, putting up 21 late in the game to make the final score respectable, while the Saints offered no resistance and bent over and took a big one from Carolina.  In fact, that might be the single most disgraceful performance by a team this year. Supposedly in a playoff battle, and at home, where supposedly they are so tough, they got ass raped.  And somehow now they are the favorite?  No way.  Jane Cutler is tougher than the Last Exit To Brooklyn Saints.  Chicago.