Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Aaron Rodgers Should Be Suspended!
Coaches, Playoff Picks (College & NFL)
So the Jets, Falcons, 49ers, Bears and Raiders need new coaches? Good luck.
The 49ers definitely ain't gonna be gettin' an upgrade at coach. And probably not the Jets or the Falcons, either. The Raiders probably will. Only the Bears, after firing the incompetent faggot *QB Guru* Marc Trestman, are a safe bet to get an upgrade.
The next coach usually ain't no better than the last coach. . .
Let's face it, most football coaches suck, that's why guys like Belichick win 75% of their games, they coach against morons 11 or 12 weeks every year.
The odds against picking out a Belichick from the coaching turds are sky high. . .for example, let's look at (and rank) 2014's seven new coaches. . .
1. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota. Vikings were 5-11 in 2013, and 7-9 under Zimmer in 2014. The Vikings played hard week-in and week-out, and actually won more games while breaking in a weak-armed rookie QB. Zimmer also had to deal with the #28 child abuse mess. The Vikings got better in all phases of the game as the season progressed, particularly on defense. The Vikings will probably pass the Lions as the main NFC North competitor to Green Bay next year. An upgrade over what they had.
2. Bill O'Brien, Houston. Texans were 2-14 in 2013, and 9-7 under O'Brien in 2014. It's hard to tell how much credit O'Brien should get for the Texans *turnaround,* as the 2013 2-14 record was the result of a perfect football storm of a QB disintegrating, star RB and other key player injuries, and the final incapacitation of an unstable head coach. Everybody felt the Texans were an easy fix, but still, we must give O'Brien some credit, as he had to deal with an another godawful mess at QB. Now that he's got the Texans back to where they were in Gary Kubiak's heyday, his future employment will depend on him getting the Texans to the next level, which means winning a playoff game. An upgrade over what they had.
3. Jim Caldwell, Detroit. Lions were 7-9 in 2013, and 11-5 under Caldwell in 2014. The Lions won the close games this year that they lost last year under Psycho Jim Schwartz, but they also had a much easier schedule, as only two of their eleven victories came against teams with winning records. The area which Caldwell was specifically charged with improving, team discipline, was a failure, as they committed even more penalties in '14, and in the late season money games Greaseball Dominic Raiola and Donkey Kong Suh received game suspensions for bonehead cheap shots. Not an upgrade over what they had. Same Old Lions.
4. Jay Gruden, Washington. Redskins were 3-13 in 2013, and 4-12 under Gruden in 2014. Gruden was a definite upgrade in post game press conference entertainment, featuring withering assessments of his team's failures, especially QB Diva Robert Griffin III. But on the playing field? More of the same. Not an upgrade over what they had.
5. Mike Pettine, Cleveland. Browns were 4-12 in 2013, and 7-9 under Pettine in 2014. After 11 weeks Pettine was the clear-cut front-runner for Rookie Coach of the Year, guiding the downtrodden Browns to a 7-4 record. But then an ugly five game season-ending losing streak, due to a catastrophic mishandling of the QB situation, destroyed all improvement and created a locker room schism, and left the Browns with an even cloudier future. Not only is Pettine responsible for the sorry QB mess, but he failed at rehabilitating the NFL's best receiver, Josh Gordon, who by season's end was back to his partying ways. Not an upgrade over what they had.
6. Lovie Smith, Tampa Bay. Buccaneers were 4-12 in 2013, and 2-14 under Smith in 2014. A colossal flop from the beginning. Smith doomed himself to failure by believing the 5 game hot-streak Josh McClown put up with the Bears in 2013 meant he was something other than what he really was, a career journeyman back-up. Mike Glennon is clearly a better QB, but Smith stubbornly refused to admit his mistake, and the losses piled up, and now they can't give the job back to Glennon, but have to draft Marcus Mariota to win back the fan base. So there's no hope of any immediate significant improvement for next year. Lovie was a fine coach with the Bears, and a shocking failure in his first year with Tampa, and I see little hope for him in the future. Not an upgrade over what they had.
7. Ken Whisenhunt, Tennessee. Titans were 7-9 in 2013, and 2-14 under Whisenhunt in 2014. Worst coach of the year. Not even close. Tennessee was significantly worse all across the board. Thank God he turned down the Lions for the Titans. A humorless my-way-or-the-highway autocrat who didn't have a single answer as the Titans rolled over and lost their last ten games, including defeats at the hands of bottom feeders the Jets, Redskins and Jaguars. The Titans owner should have been alarmed at his team's lack of fight, but apparently is too proud to admit the monumental mistake this hiring was. Absolutely no hope for Tennessee next year. Not an upgrade over what they had.
So only two out of seven new coaches were an upgrade.
Like I said, good luck Falcons, Jets, 49ers, Bears and Raiders, you're going to need it. . .
College Playoff Picks:
Oregon -9 vs Florida State: Florida State could have easily lost 3 or 4 games, and it's tempting to figure this is the game they finally get their due. But listen, the University completed their deal with the Devil, and sold their football soul by giving the Hymen Trophy winner a free pass on his rape of a white gal. And now I got this sick feeling in my stomach that the rest of the Semen*oles* are willing to believe the rape whitewash, and will play their first distraction-free game of the year. Florida State.
Alabama -9 over Ohio State: Let's just see how wide the gap is between the Big 10 and the SEC. I'll be shocked if Ohio State covers. The Buckeyes are soft on defense, and while J.T. Barrett or Braxton Miller might have been able to put a few points on the board, I don't see Alabama struggling to contain 3rd string QB Cardale Jones. If Ohio only loses by 20, Urban Meyer will have done a helluva coaching job. Alabama.
NFL Wildcard Playoff Picks:
Arizona +5.5 at Carolina: Because Arizona has a horrible QB, Carolina is the EZ pick. . .but Carolina is still a losing team and their season-ending 4 game win streak came against New Orleans, Tampa, Cleveland and Atlanta, so let's not get carried away with how *hot* they are. . .and their offense still sucks, and this thing about how well Jonathan Stewart is running the ball, I ain't buying it in the playoffs. I think the Cardinals can shut down the Panthers, and win the game with defense and special teams. Arizona.
Baltimore +3 at Pittsburgh: Baltimore wheezed into the playoffs, barely beating an in-turmoil Browns team that couldn't wait for the off-season to begin. Le'Veon Bell might not play, but I don't think it will matter against a rickety, disappointing Ravens team. Pittsburgh.
Cincinnati +4 at Indianapolis: Andy Dalton in the Playoffs? 0-3, 1 td, 6 ints. Indianapolis.
Detroit +8 at Dallas: <sigh> No Suh. OK. So reports are Teryl Austin is gonna get HC interviews, including one already set with Atlanta. So let's see how Austin's defense plays without Suh. If they hold the Cowboys under 30, without Suh and Fairley, then Austin's a genius. Dallas.
The 49ers definitely ain't gonna be gettin' an upgrade at coach. And probably not the Jets or the Falcons, either. The Raiders probably will. Only the Bears, after firing the incompetent faggot *QB Guru* Marc Trestman, are a safe bet to get an upgrade.
The next coach usually ain't no better than the last coach. . .
Let's face it, most football coaches suck, that's why guys like Belichick win 75% of their games, they coach against morons 11 or 12 weeks every year.
The odds against picking out a Belichick from the coaching turds are sky high. . .for example, let's look at (and rank) 2014's seven new coaches. . .
1. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota. Vikings were 5-11 in 2013, and 7-9 under Zimmer in 2014. The Vikings played hard week-in and week-out, and actually won more games while breaking in a weak-armed rookie QB. Zimmer also had to deal with the #28 child abuse mess. The Vikings got better in all phases of the game as the season progressed, particularly on defense. The Vikings will probably pass the Lions as the main NFC North competitor to Green Bay next year. An upgrade over what they had.
2. Bill O'Brien, Houston. Texans were 2-14 in 2013, and 9-7 under O'Brien in 2014. It's hard to tell how much credit O'Brien should get for the Texans *turnaround,* as the 2013 2-14 record was the result of a perfect football storm of a QB disintegrating, star RB and other key player injuries, and the final incapacitation of an unstable head coach. Everybody felt the Texans were an easy fix, but still, we must give O'Brien some credit, as he had to deal with an another godawful mess at QB. Now that he's got the Texans back to where they were in Gary Kubiak's heyday, his future employment will depend on him getting the Texans to the next level, which means winning a playoff game. An upgrade over what they had.
3. Jim Caldwell, Detroit. Lions were 7-9 in 2013, and 11-5 under Caldwell in 2014. The Lions won the close games this year that they lost last year under Psycho Jim Schwartz, but they also had a much easier schedule, as only two of their eleven victories came against teams with winning records. The area which Caldwell was specifically charged with improving, team discipline, was a failure, as they committed even more penalties in '14, and in the late season money games Greaseball Dominic Raiola and Donkey Kong Suh received game suspensions for bonehead cheap shots. Not an upgrade over what they had. Same Old Lions.
4. Jay Gruden, Washington. Redskins were 3-13 in 2013, and 4-12 under Gruden in 2014. Gruden was a definite upgrade in post game press conference entertainment, featuring withering assessments of his team's failures, especially QB Diva Robert Griffin III. But on the playing field? More of the same. Not an upgrade over what they had.
5. Mike Pettine, Cleveland. Browns were 4-12 in 2013, and 7-9 under Pettine in 2014. After 11 weeks Pettine was the clear-cut front-runner for Rookie Coach of the Year, guiding the downtrodden Browns to a 7-4 record. But then an ugly five game season-ending losing streak, due to a catastrophic mishandling of the QB situation, destroyed all improvement and created a locker room schism, and left the Browns with an even cloudier future. Not only is Pettine responsible for the sorry QB mess, but he failed at rehabilitating the NFL's best receiver, Josh Gordon, who by season's end was back to his partying ways. Not an upgrade over what they had.
6. Lovie Smith, Tampa Bay. Buccaneers were 4-12 in 2013, and 2-14 under Smith in 2014. A colossal flop from the beginning. Smith doomed himself to failure by believing the 5 game hot-streak Josh McClown put up with the Bears in 2013 meant he was something other than what he really was, a career journeyman back-up. Mike Glennon is clearly a better QB, but Smith stubbornly refused to admit his mistake, and the losses piled up, and now they can't give the job back to Glennon, but have to draft Marcus Mariota to win back the fan base. So there's no hope of any immediate significant improvement for next year. Lovie was a fine coach with the Bears, and a shocking failure in his first year with Tampa, and I see little hope for him in the future. Not an upgrade over what they had.
7. Ken Whisenhunt, Tennessee. Titans were 7-9 in 2013, and 2-14 under Whisenhunt in 2014. Worst coach of the year. Not even close. Tennessee was significantly worse all across the board. Thank God he turned down the Lions for the Titans. A humorless my-way-or-the-highway autocrat who didn't have a single answer as the Titans rolled over and lost their last ten games, including defeats at the hands of bottom feeders the Jets, Redskins and Jaguars. The Titans owner should have been alarmed at his team's lack of fight, but apparently is too proud to admit the monumental mistake this hiring was. Absolutely no hope for Tennessee next year. Not an upgrade over what they had.
So only two out of seven new coaches were an upgrade.
Like I said, good luck Falcons, Jets, 49ers, Bears and Raiders, you're going to need it. . .
College Playoff Picks:
Oregon -9 vs Florida State: Florida State could have easily lost 3 or 4 games, and it's tempting to figure this is the game they finally get their due. But listen, the University completed their deal with the Devil, and sold their football soul by giving the Hymen Trophy winner a free pass on his rape of a white gal. And now I got this sick feeling in my stomach that the rest of the Semen*oles* are willing to believe the rape whitewash, and will play their first distraction-free game of the year. Florida State.
Alabama -9 over Ohio State: Let's just see how wide the gap is between the Big 10 and the SEC. I'll be shocked if Ohio State covers. The Buckeyes are soft on defense, and while J.T. Barrett or Braxton Miller might have been able to put a few points on the board, I don't see Alabama struggling to contain 3rd string QB Cardale Jones. If Ohio only loses by 20, Urban Meyer will have done a helluva coaching job. Alabama.
NFL Wildcard Playoff Picks:
Arizona +5.5 at Carolina: Because Arizona has a horrible QB, Carolina is the EZ pick. . .but Carolina is still a losing team and their season-ending 4 game win streak came against New Orleans, Tampa, Cleveland and Atlanta, so let's not get carried away with how *hot* they are. . .and their offense still sucks, and this thing about how well Jonathan Stewart is running the ball, I ain't buying it in the playoffs. I think the Cardinals can shut down the Panthers, and win the game with defense and special teams. Arizona.
Baltimore +3 at Pittsburgh: Baltimore wheezed into the playoffs, barely beating an in-turmoil Browns team that couldn't wait for the off-season to begin. Le'Veon Bell might not play, but I don't think it will matter against a rickety, disappointing Ravens team. Pittsburgh.
Cincinnati +4 at Indianapolis: Andy Dalton in the Playoffs? 0-3, 1 td, 6 ints. Indianapolis.
Detroit +8 at Dallas: <sigh> No Suh. OK. So reports are Teryl Austin is gonna get HC interviews, including one already set with Atlanta. So let's see how Austin's defense plays without Suh. If they hold the Cowboys under 30, without Suh and Fairley, then Austin's a genius. Dallas.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Donkey Kong Suspended For Stepping On The National Football League's Golden Calf
Ha ha ha. . .even at 11-5, it's still the Same Old Lions!
One week after Greaseball Dominic Raiola got suspended for the biggest game of his mediocre 14 year Lion career for stomping on some no-name Chicago Bear lineman, *Superstar* Donkey Kong Suh topped him in sheer idiocy by stepping on National Football League Glamor Boy Aaron Rodgers' tender calf, and getting himself suspended from the biggest game of his nothing accomplished Lions career, the Wild Card Playoff game against the Dallas Cowboys. . .
So DeMarco Murray will now probably run for 250 yards against a Lions d-line missing the physically unable to perform Nick Fairley and the mentally unable to perform Donkey Kong Suh. . .
OK, Suh, you're a free agent now. . .don't the let fucking door hit you on the way out. Some misguided team probably will pay you more money than J.J. Watt, and in the biggest moments, you will fail. . .and then you'll dash out of the locker room before the mics and cameras can catch up to you.
Oh, brother, Donkey Kong and the Golden Calf. . .Lions football. . .oh, shoot me, please. Playoffs? Don't talk about - playoffs? You kidding me? Playoffs?!?! Only the Lions can lose a fucking playoff game in the final 5 minutes of the fourth quarter of the last game of the regular season.
Ha ha ha. . .THE LIONS LOST THE FUCKING PLAYOFF GAME BEFORE THEY EVEN LOST THE DIVISION TITLE GAME TO GREEN BAY.
Only the Lions. . .
Only the Lions. . .
One week after Greaseball Dominic Raiola got suspended for the biggest game of his mediocre 14 year Lion career for stomping on some no-name Chicago Bear lineman, *Superstar* Donkey Kong Suh topped him in sheer idiocy by stepping on National Football League Glamor Boy Aaron Rodgers' tender calf, and getting himself suspended from the biggest game of his nothing accomplished Lions career, the Wild Card Playoff game against the Dallas Cowboys. . .
So DeMarco Murray will now probably run for 250 yards against a Lions d-line missing the physically unable to perform Nick Fairley and the mentally unable to perform Donkey Kong Suh. . .
OK, Suh, you're a free agent now. . .don't the let fucking door hit you on the way out. Some misguided team probably will pay you more money than J.J. Watt, and in the biggest moments, you will fail. . .and then you'll dash out of the locker room before the mics and cameras can catch up to you.
Oh, brother, Donkey Kong and the Golden Calf. . .Lions football. . .oh, shoot me, please. Playoffs? Don't talk about - playoffs? You kidding me? Playoffs?!?! Only the Lions can lose a fucking playoff game in the final 5 minutes of the fourth quarter of the last game of the regular season.
Ha ha ha. . .THE LIONS LOST THE FUCKING PLAYOFF GAME BEFORE THEY EVEN LOST THE DIVISION TITLE GAME TO GREEN BAY.
Only the Lions. . .
Only the Lions. . .
Friday, December 26, 2014
NFL Week 17 Picks (Sloppy Holiday Edition)
6-3 vs the spread last week, 56-62-3 for the season. . .
Cleveland +9 at Baltimore: The Browns season turned ugly real fast when rookie coach Mike Pettine dumped starting QB Brian Hoyer for the midget. QB Karma hit Pettine hard, and now he's searching the scrap heap for a QB for the last game of the year. . .apparently they found Tyler Thigpen buried under an old washing machine. . .or maybe they'll start Connor Shaw. . .nobody knows, nobody really cares. . .except the Ravens, who somehow lost to a scrap heap QB last week, and now face the possibility of a second straight season backing out of the playoffs. What's with the Ravens? Another team with Harbaugh burnout? Even so, they should be able to beat down a beat down Cleveland team with a QB sinkhole. Baltimore.
San Diego +3 at Kansas City: If the Chargers win, they're in the playoffs, and the Ravens are fucked, no matter what they do against the Brownies. The Chiefs need about a million football mutations to make the playoffs, and that ain't gonna happen, and they've been playing like shit, anyway, losing four of their last five, tossing away what looked like an EZ postseason spot. The Chargers had a gutty comeback win last week over SF, and I'm a little surprised by the line. . .I figure this should be a pick 'em game. San Diego.
Chicago +6 at Minnesota: Ha ha ha. . .faggot Marc Trestman tried to blame it all on Jane Cutler, tossed him under the bus last week, and now because of an injury to Jimmy Clausen, has to play Cutler in what will probably be his last game as Bears head coach. Ha ha ha, no scraping that dog shit off your shoe, you dumb faggot. I don't know whether I hope Cutler passes for 400 yards and four tds, and the Bears win a what-could-have-been teaser, or whether I hope Trestman has to suffer through another ugly Cutler turnover fest. Either way, it will be a bitter end for the faggot Trestman. Minnesota.
Philadelphia +3 at New York Giants: Who would have imagined Thanksgiving night, after the Eagles crushed the Cowboys in Dallas to take the NFC North lead with a 9-3 record, they'd be out of the playoffs and underdogs to the crappy Giants in the season-ender? But the Eagles have had an even worse end to the season than the Browns, and have to rate as the biggest December flop in the League. Mark Sanchez turns the ball over, and Chip Kelly don't look like such a genius, anymore. Meanwhile, once again ancient coach Tom Coughlin seems to have saved the Giants from a completely terrible season, and guided the G Men back to semi-respectability, chiefly due to the red hot Eli Manning - Odell Beckham combination. Genuine hope for next year, or just another late season Coughlin mirage? New York.
Carolina +3.5 at Atlanta: Well, somebody has to win the Goodwill division, and here's the decider. Atlanta has actually played better than their record most of the year, and with a little better End Game skill, would be a 9 -7 or 10 - 6 team. Carolina has nothing on offense to scare the Falcons, and the only way the Panthers win this game is if their defense forces 3 or 4 turnovers. Ain't gonna happen. Atlanta.
Detroit +8 at Green Bay: Winner is the NFC North champ, gets the NFC #2 seed and a playoff bye. Fourteen year veteran Lion center Dominic Raiola pulled a Donkey Kong Suh and stomped an opponent last week, and drew a one game suspension from the League, and now must miss the biggest game of his sorry Lions career. . .we call that 'typical Lions' and as a result can expect numerous botched exchanges and shotgun snaps from rookie center Travis Swanson, forcing Matthew Stafford into a game-long hole of second and third-and-longs. The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since 1991, which is also the last year they managed to win a playoff game. There's not a single reason to pick the Lions. . .unless their defense comes out nasty from the opening kick off. Donkey Kong and Ziggy Ansah need to rattle a gimpy Aaron Rodgers for the Lions to have any chance. Don't bet on it happening. Green Bay.
Cincinnati +3.5 at Pittsburgh: For their week 14 match-up, I said the Steelers were the better team, but the Bengals had the better negro coach, and I picked Cincy. They got their ass kicked at home. This one's in Pittsburgh, and it's for the AFC North title. Pittsburgh has the better team, but the Bengals have the better negro coach. But maybe the coach don't matter, so much. Pittsburgh.
Cleveland +9 at Baltimore: The Browns season turned ugly real fast when rookie coach Mike Pettine dumped starting QB Brian Hoyer for the midget. QB Karma hit Pettine hard, and now he's searching the scrap heap for a QB for the last game of the year. . .apparently they found Tyler Thigpen buried under an old washing machine. . .or maybe they'll start Connor Shaw. . .nobody knows, nobody really cares. . .except the Ravens, who somehow lost to a scrap heap QB last week, and now face the possibility of a second straight season backing out of the playoffs. What's with the Ravens? Another team with Harbaugh burnout? Even so, they should be able to beat down a beat down Cleveland team with a QB sinkhole. Baltimore.
San Diego +3 at Kansas City: If the Chargers win, they're in the playoffs, and the Ravens are fucked, no matter what they do against the Brownies. The Chiefs need about a million football mutations to make the playoffs, and that ain't gonna happen, and they've been playing like shit, anyway, losing four of their last five, tossing away what looked like an EZ postseason spot. The Chargers had a gutty comeback win last week over SF, and I'm a little surprised by the line. . .I figure this should be a pick 'em game. San Diego.
Chicago +6 at Minnesota: Ha ha ha. . .faggot Marc Trestman tried to blame it all on Jane Cutler, tossed him under the bus last week, and now because of an injury to Jimmy Clausen, has to play Cutler in what will probably be his last game as Bears head coach. Ha ha ha, no scraping that dog shit off your shoe, you dumb faggot. I don't know whether I hope Cutler passes for 400 yards and four tds, and the Bears win a what-could-have-been teaser, or whether I hope Trestman has to suffer through another ugly Cutler turnover fest. Either way, it will be a bitter end for the faggot Trestman. Minnesota.
Philadelphia +3 at New York Giants: Who would have imagined Thanksgiving night, after the Eagles crushed the Cowboys in Dallas to take the NFC North lead with a 9-3 record, they'd be out of the playoffs and underdogs to the crappy Giants in the season-ender? But the Eagles have had an even worse end to the season than the Browns, and have to rate as the biggest December flop in the League. Mark Sanchez turns the ball over, and Chip Kelly don't look like such a genius, anymore. Meanwhile, once again ancient coach Tom Coughlin seems to have saved the Giants from a completely terrible season, and guided the G Men back to semi-respectability, chiefly due to the red hot Eli Manning - Odell Beckham combination. Genuine hope for next year, or just another late season Coughlin mirage? New York.
Carolina +3.5 at Atlanta: Well, somebody has to win the Goodwill division, and here's the decider. Atlanta has actually played better than their record most of the year, and with a little better End Game skill, would be a 9 -7 or 10 - 6 team. Carolina has nothing on offense to scare the Falcons, and the only way the Panthers win this game is if their defense forces 3 or 4 turnovers. Ain't gonna happen. Atlanta.
Detroit +8 at Green Bay: Winner is the NFC North champ, gets the NFC #2 seed and a playoff bye. Fourteen year veteran Lion center Dominic Raiola pulled a Donkey Kong Suh and stomped an opponent last week, and drew a one game suspension from the League, and now must miss the biggest game of his sorry Lions career. . .we call that 'typical Lions' and as a result can expect numerous botched exchanges and shotgun snaps from rookie center Travis Swanson, forcing Matthew Stafford into a game-long hole of second and third-and-longs. The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since 1991, which is also the last year they managed to win a playoff game. There's not a single reason to pick the Lions. . .unless their defense comes out nasty from the opening kick off. Donkey Kong and Ziggy Ansah need to rattle a gimpy Aaron Rodgers for the Lions to have any chance. Don't bet on it happening. Green Bay.
Cincinnati +3.5 at Pittsburgh: For their week 14 match-up, I said the Steelers were the better team, but the Bengals had the better negro coach, and I picked Cincy. They got their ass kicked at home. This one's in Pittsburgh, and it's for the AFC North title. Pittsburgh has the better team, but the Bengals have the better negro coach. But maybe the coach don't matter, so much. Pittsburgh.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
NFL Week 16 Picks
5-3-1 vs the spread last week, 50-59-3 for the season. . .
Listen. Marvin Lewis, that old fox, has credentials. He's the greatest negro coach in football history. Tony Dungy and Mike Tomlin won Super Bowls, sure. They had Peyton Manning and Big Ben. It ain't Lewis' fault he's had Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton.
Lewis invented the greatest defense in professional football history while serving as the Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator. He's had a ton of coaches eating his crumbs and earning big jobs in the NFL, all because they had the luck to follow or coach with him in Baltimore or Cincinnati. Mike Nolan, Mike Smith, Rex Ryan, Chuck Pagano, Mike Zimmer. . .all cashed in with Lewis' invention. They didn't invent it. They copied it. Basically Jap coaches, is what they are. Take somebody's else invention, and sell a cheaper version. But the point is, Lewis, that old fox, has credentials. And he's that old school tight-lipped coach. Spouts the coach cliches. The opponent is very talented, there is such a thin line separating the teams in the League, when you see them on film you are very impressed, they are just a play or two away from blah, blah, blah. Such-and-such a player creates major problems for the defense, we have to stick to our assignments or such-and-such a guy will take advantage of our breakdowns and beat us with explosion plays, blah, blah, blah. Lewis, that old fox, ain't gonna say anything remotely disrespectful about an opposition player, ain't gonna give them even that tiny, tiny psychological edge.
So the cat was out of the bag when Marvin Lewis dismissed any notion of anxiety about preparing to face the Johnny Football-led Cleveland Browns. No, no problem, Lewis replied when asked if it would be difficult to prepare for Johnny Football, no problem, particularly when the guy is a midget.
He mocked the other team's QB!
The cat is out of the bag.
When the normally tight-lipped Lewis laughs at the other team's QB, you know he don't have a fucking care in the world about going against that guy. He knows the guy can't beat him. So he can speak honestly. He can say whatever he wants. He can call Johnny Football a cocksucker--who cares? Ain't nothing that midget can do about it. Marvin Lewis told the whole world Johnny Manziel don't have the ability to win.
Lewis has the credentials to back his ability as a talent evaluator. Lewis had no respect for Johnny Football. When he told that interviewer Johnny Football was no cause for worry, that he was a midget, he told the whole world he was absolutely 100% certain his team would beat that midget's ass. And that's exactly what happened. 30-0. And it wasn't even that close. His own QB, Andy Dalton, had a shitty game. The Bengals could have won 75-0. The Browns were never competitive. Johnny Football did nothing on the field except a couple Curly shuffles before throwing footballs that seemed to be filled with helium.
Here's the real question: How in Hell did Marvin Lewis know Johnny Football was a joke, but not Browns coach Mike Pettine? Pettine seen this guy in practice all year. He had to know the guy was a midget with a girl's arm. And so he proved himself, like most football coaches, to be as dumb as the average fan. He thought all the hype, all the college crap, was magic, and despite what he had seen all year in practice, once he gave the midget the starting job, Johnny Football would bewitch the Bengals, leaving them grasping at air, as he scrambled away from giant defensive ends and tossed 50 yard TD passes. But all Pettine (who threw Brian Hoyer under the bus) got was Eddie Gaedel, QB #1/8. A joke. A stunt. A gimmick. The Browns season is deservedly over, after Pettine's pathetic stunt. After the game, Pettine realized he'd drunk Johnny Football Kool-Aid. In his press conference, he was utterly depressed, sounded suicidal. . .and really, the Browns have committed football suicide with their colossal mistake. Johnny Football is a little quarterback, and Pettine's error in judgment is gigantic.
The poor Browns fans. They waited all year for the magic. They filled the stadium, ready to celebrate a New Brown Football Age. This was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but literally one offensive series into the game, Browns fans realized they'd been sheep led to the slaughter. A psychic black cloud settled over northeastern Ohio, there would be no football opium for the Cleveland masses. They sat embarrassed in the stadium, witnessing The Quarterback's New Clothes. . .their football leader was exposed, and is now the laughingstock of the sporting world.
Minnesota +7 at Miami: Two coaches headed in opposite directions. Mike Zimmer has done a helluva job in his first year with the Vikings. Seen them twice this year, in weeks 6 and 15 against Detroit. The improvement is obvious, plus the Vikings played hard for the full sixty in both games, and have played tough all year, with only a game against GB and a game against NE in which they were outclassed. The Vikings outplayed Detroit last week, and if they weren't suffering the growing pains of a rookie QB (INTs, poor clock awareness), they would have won. The Vikings will be a team to watch next year. As for Miami, their goofy-looking coach is on his way out the door. The Dolphins froze the last two weeks in big games. For the second consecutive year they are playing tight, scared, pussy football at the end, as they wilt under the stretch run heat. Bet the house on the Vikings, the Dolphins season is over, and they're playing this one with the crippling self-awareness they're chokers. Minnesota.
Baltimore -4.5 at Houston: Look, the Texans themselves are all the proof needed that J.J. Watt is not, nor can he ever be, the MVP. He had another *huge* game with a couple sacks and a few tackles last week, yet WITHOUT A QB, it didn't mean squat, as Houston couldn't come close to scoring enough points to beat the Colts. The NFL is all about the QB. . .it's a QB League. Houston and J.J. Watt are once again going nowhere. . .cuz they ain't got a QB. You cannot seriously make the case a DE on a team out of the playoffs is more valuable than Aaron Rodgers. You take Watt off the Texans, and they are the same fucking thing: an also-ran. You take Rodgers off the Packers, and they fall from Super Bowl contenders to also-ran. And how come the Ravens' Elvis Dumervil ain't getting MVP hype? He's got more sacks than Watt, and he's playing on a team currently in a playoff spot. The UNSPOKEN (outside of here) truth is: if Dumervil were a nice white boy like Watt, he would be getting MVP hype. And if Watt were a negro, he wouldn't get two votes. Baltimore.
Detroit -7 at Chicago: This is it for the Lions. Win, and they clinch at least a wild card spot. . .lose to the terrible Chicago Bears, who appear to have quit on their faggot lame-du/ick coach Marc Trestman, and they'll probably have to do something they haven't done in 23 years to get into the post-season: win at Green Bay. The Lions have won 10 games for only the ninth time in their sorry eighty-one year history, and I suppose you could say that makes this season a success for first-year Lions head coach, negro Jim Caldwell. But if you can't win a money game against a team already in the off season, and get that playoff spot, then you are the Same Old Lions. Am I really betting negro Jim Caldwell, the LAST guy I wanted to see hired, is the coach who can finally overcome decades of institutionalized shitty football and remake the Lions into a reasonable facsimile of a decent Professional Football Team? The Bears looked AWFUL against the Saints Monday night. How in Hell can they beat the Lions? No way. But. . .the Same Old Lions might be waiting to the very end to make their first 2014 appearance. Those Cats can always find a way to lose. Chicago.
Cleveland EVEN at Carolina: I cannot pick the midget, even against Derek Anderson. Carolina.
Atlanta +6.5 at New Orleans: This game basically decides the NFC Goodwill division, barring a complete last week choke (which really wouldn't be that shocking, given the natures of all three teams still in the *fight*) by the winner or a weird combination of choking and Panther wins not worth bothering to figure out here. Anyways. . .New Orleans looks better than they really are, because they are coming off an EZ win over the corpse of the Bears. The Falcons have lost two in a row, but they were to good teams, and they played respectable in both. Atlanta really hasn't played a lousy game since week 7 against the Ravens, and, in point of fact, a lot of their losses they simply gave away with end game bungling. This looks like an evenly matched game, the first one between these teams went into OT, and that could happen here, also. No way the Saints can cover. Atlanta.
Kansas City +3 at Pittsburgh: The Chiefs are the first team out in the AFC playoff picture. Win this one, and they sneak back in. But I don't see that happening. The strength of the Chiefs is their pass rush, but old Big Ben in Pittsburgh is one tough son of a bitch to rattle around. . .and the Chiefs soft run defense is going to get worked over by Le'Veon Bell. Kansas City has the worst wide-outs in the League, and they just won't be able to score enough to hang with the Steelers. Season over. Pittsburgh.
Indianapolis +3 at Dallas: I was surprised how easily the Cowboys handled the Eagles last week. Their rag-tag defense and fragile psyches are holding up just well enough to where the Cowboys look like they are going to win the NFC East. I said in my season preview Indianapolis would be the Iowa of the NFL, a lousy team that would look better than it really was because of a weak schedule and a weak division. And that's exactly what the Colts are. They'll be hosting a playoff game, and they'll lose. Dallas.
Seattle -9 at Arizona: Ha. Arizona is the Division leader, and at home. . .and they are a 9 point underdog! Why? Because the National Football League is a QB League. . .and Arizona don't got no QB. They might not score a single point against the Seahawks red-hot defense. This game is a perfect example of why J.J. Watt cannot be the MVP. You got to have a QB, or you're nothing. Even though the Cardinals are the current #1 seed in the NFC, they are the team everyone wants to play in the post season. I'd take the Goodwill division winner over the Cardinals. They just can't score. Seattle may only have to put 10 on the board to cover, but listen, their offense ain't shit, either. Seahawks win, but don't cover. Arizona.
Denver -3 at Cincinnati: Interesting. I haven't heard Marvin Lewis trash-talking Peyton Manning this week. I wonder why? The Bengals have to go back to playing against a real Professional quarterback this week. . .and even though Manning's been looking a little long in the tooth the last half of the season, he'll be a bit more of a challenge for the Bengals defense than Johnny Football. Plus the Broncos are running the Hell out of the ball now, making them an even more dangerous playoff team. Andy Dalton continues to alternate good and bad games, he sucked against the Browns, so he's due for a good one here. Cincy also sports a strong run game, so this one may come down to whichever defense shuts down the ground attack. Denver's #2 in run defense, the Bengals #24. Denver.
Listen. Marvin Lewis, that old fox, has credentials. He's the greatest negro coach in football history. Tony Dungy and Mike Tomlin won Super Bowls, sure. They had Peyton Manning and Big Ben. It ain't Lewis' fault he's had Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton.
Lewis invented the greatest defense in professional football history while serving as the Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator. He's had a ton of coaches eating his crumbs and earning big jobs in the NFL, all because they had the luck to follow or coach with him in Baltimore or Cincinnati. Mike Nolan, Mike Smith, Rex Ryan, Chuck Pagano, Mike Zimmer. . .all cashed in with Lewis' invention. They didn't invent it. They copied it. Basically Jap coaches, is what they are. Take somebody's else invention, and sell a cheaper version. But the point is, Lewis, that old fox, has credentials. And he's that old school tight-lipped coach. Spouts the coach cliches. The opponent is very talented, there is such a thin line separating the teams in the League, when you see them on film you are very impressed, they are just a play or two away from blah, blah, blah. Such-and-such a player creates major problems for the defense, we have to stick to our assignments or such-and-such a guy will take advantage of our breakdowns and beat us with explosion plays, blah, blah, blah. Lewis, that old fox, ain't gonna say anything remotely disrespectful about an opposition player, ain't gonna give them even that tiny, tiny psychological edge.
So the cat was out of the bag when Marvin Lewis dismissed any notion of anxiety about preparing to face the Johnny Football-led Cleveland Browns. No, no problem, Lewis replied when asked if it would be difficult to prepare for Johnny Football, no problem, particularly when the guy is a midget.
He mocked the other team's QB!
The cat is out of the bag.
When the normally tight-lipped Lewis laughs at the other team's QB, you know he don't have a fucking care in the world about going against that guy. He knows the guy can't beat him. So he can speak honestly. He can say whatever he wants. He can call Johnny Football a cocksucker--who cares? Ain't nothing that midget can do about it. Marvin Lewis told the whole world Johnny Manziel don't have the ability to win.
Lewis has the credentials to back his ability as a talent evaluator. Lewis had no respect for Johnny Football. When he told that interviewer Johnny Football was no cause for worry, that he was a midget, he told the whole world he was absolutely 100% certain his team would beat that midget's ass. And that's exactly what happened. 30-0. And it wasn't even that close. His own QB, Andy Dalton, had a shitty game. The Bengals could have won 75-0. The Browns were never competitive. Johnny Football did nothing on the field except a couple Curly shuffles before throwing footballs that seemed to be filled with helium.
Here's the real question: How in Hell did Marvin Lewis know Johnny Football was a joke, but not Browns coach Mike Pettine? Pettine seen this guy in practice all year. He had to know the guy was a midget with a girl's arm. And so he proved himself, like most football coaches, to be as dumb as the average fan. He thought all the hype, all the college crap, was magic, and despite what he had seen all year in practice, once he gave the midget the starting job, Johnny Football would bewitch the Bengals, leaving them grasping at air, as he scrambled away from giant defensive ends and tossed 50 yard TD passes. But all Pettine (who threw Brian Hoyer under the bus) got was Eddie Gaedel, QB #1/8. A joke. A stunt. A gimmick. The Browns season is deservedly over, after Pettine's pathetic stunt. After the game, Pettine realized he'd drunk Johnny Football Kool-Aid. In his press conference, he was utterly depressed, sounded suicidal. . .and really, the Browns have committed football suicide with their colossal mistake. Johnny Football is a little quarterback, and Pettine's error in judgment is gigantic.
The poor Browns fans. They waited all year for the magic. They filled the stadium, ready to celebrate a New Brown Football Age. This was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but literally one offensive series into the game, Browns fans realized they'd been sheep led to the slaughter. A psychic black cloud settled over northeastern Ohio, there would be no football opium for the Cleveland masses. They sat embarrassed in the stadium, witnessing The Quarterback's New Clothes. . .their football leader was exposed, and is now the laughingstock of the sporting world.
Minnesota +7 at Miami: Two coaches headed in opposite directions. Mike Zimmer has done a helluva job in his first year with the Vikings. Seen them twice this year, in weeks 6 and 15 against Detroit. The improvement is obvious, plus the Vikings played hard for the full sixty in both games, and have played tough all year, with only a game against GB and a game against NE in which they were outclassed. The Vikings outplayed Detroit last week, and if they weren't suffering the growing pains of a rookie QB (INTs, poor clock awareness), they would have won. The Vikings will be a team to watch next year. As for Miami, their goofy-looking coach is on his way out the door. The Dolphins froze the last two weeks in big games. For the second consecutive year they are playing tight, scared, pussy football at the end, as they wilt under the stretch run heat. Bet the house on the Vikings, the Dolphins season is over, and they're playing this one with the crippling self-awareness they're chokers. Minnesota.
Baltimore -4.5 at Houston: Look, the Texans themselves are all the proof needed that J.J. Watt is not, nor can he ever be, the MVP. He had another *huge* game with a couple sacks and a few tackles last week, yet WITHOUT A QB, it didn't mean squat, as Houston couldn't come close to scoring enough points to beat the Colts. The NFL is all about the QB. . .it's a QB League. Houston and J.J. Watt are once again going nowhere. . .cuz they ain't got a QB. You cannot seriously make the case a DE on a team out of the playoffs is more valuable than Aaron Rodgers. You take Watt off the Texans, and they are the same fucking thing: an also-ran. You take Rodgers off the Packers, and they fall from Super Bowl contenders to also-ran. And how come the Ravens' Elvis Dumervil ain't getting MVP hype? He's got more sacks than Watt, and he's playing on a team currently in a playoff spot. The UNSPOKEN (outside of here) truth is: if Dumervil were a nice white boy like Watt, he would be getting MVP hype. And if Watt were a negro, he wouldn't get two votes. Baltimore.
Detroit -7 at Chicago: This is it for the Lions. Win, and they clinch at least a wild card spot. . .lose to the terrible Chicago Bears, who appear to have quit on their faggot lame-du/ick coach Marc Trestman, and they'll probably have to do something they haven't done in 23 years to get into the post-season: win at Green Bay. The Lions have won 10 games for only the ninth time in their sorry eighty-one year history, and I suppose you could say that makes this season a success for first-year Lions head coach, negro Jim Caldwell. But if you can't win a money game against a team already in the off season, and get that playoff spot, then you are the Same Old Lions. Am I really betting negro Jim Caldwell, the LAST guy I wanted to see hired, is the coach who can finally overcome decades of institutionalized shitty football and remake the Lions into a reasonable facsimile of a decent Professional Football Team? The Bears looked AWFUL against the Saints Monday night. How in Hell can they beat the Lions? No way. But. . .the Same Old Lions might be waiting to the very end to make their first 2014 appearance. Those Cats can always find a way to lose. Chicago.
Cleveland EVEN at Carolina: I cannot pick the midget, even against Derek Anderson. Carolina.
Atlanta +6.5 at New Orleans: This game basically decides the NFC Goodwill division, barring a complete last week choke (which really wouldn't be that shocking, given the natures of all three teams still in the *fight*) by the winner or a weird combination of choking and Panther wins not worth bothering to figure out here. Anyways. . .New Orleans looks better than they really are, because they are coming off an EZ win over the corpse of the Bears. The Falcons have lost two in a row, but they were to good teams, and they played respectable in both. Atlanta really hasn't played a lousy game since week 7 against the Ravens, and, in point of fact, a lot of their losses they simply gave away with end game bungling. This looks like an evenly matched game, the first one between these teams went into OT, and that could happen here, also. No way the Saints can cover. Atlanta.
Kansas City +3 at Pittsburgh: The Chiefs are the first team out in the AFC playoff picture. Win this one, and they sneak back in. But I don't see that happening. The strength of the Chiefs is their pass rush, but old Big Ben in Pittsburgh is one tough son of a bitch to rattle around. . .and the Chiefs soft run defense is going to get worked over by Le'Veon Bell. Kansas City has the worst wide-outs in the League, and they just won't be able to score enough to hang with the Steelers. Season over. Pittsburgh.
Indianapolis +3 at Dallas: I was surprised how easily the Cowboys handled the Eagles last week. Their rag-tag defense and fragile psyches are holding up just well enough to where the Cowboys look like they are going to win the NFC East. I said in my season preview Indianapolis would be the Iowa of the NFL, a lousy team that would look better than it really was because of a weak schedule and a weak division. And that's exactly what the Colts are. They'll be hosting a playoff game, and they'll lose. Dallas.
Seattle -9 at Arizona: Ha. Arizona is the Division leader, and at home. . .and they are a 9 point underdog! Why? Because the National Football League is a QB League. . .and Arizona don't got no QB. They might not score a single point against the Seahawks red-hot defense. This game is a perfect example of why J.J. Watt cannot be the MVP. You got to have a QB, or you're nothing. Even though the Cardinals are the current #1 seed in the NFC, they are the team everyone wants to play in the post season. I'd take the Goodwill division winner over the Cardinals. They just can't score. Seattle may only have to put 10 on the board to cover, but listen, their offense ain't shit, either. Seahawks win, but don't cover. Arizona.
Denver -3 at Cincinnati: Interesting. I haven't heard Marvin Lewis trash-talking Peyton Manning this week. I wonder why? The Bengals have to go back to playing against a real Professional quarterback this week. . .and even though Manning's been looking a little long in the tooth the last half of the season, he'll be a bit more of a challenge for the Bengals defense than Johnny Football. Plus the Broncos are running the Hell out of the ball now, making them an even more dangerous playoff team. Andy Dalton continues to alternate good and bad games, he sucked against the Browns, so he's due for a good one here. Cincy also sports a strong run game, so this one may come down to whichever defense shuts down the ground attack. Denver's #2 in run defense, the Bengals #24. Denver.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
NFL Week 15 Picks
A tiny 2-7 vs the spread last week, now short 45-56-2 for the season. . .
Well, that's fitting, since this is Dwarf Awareness Week in the NFL. . .and in honor of the League's concern for the rights of little people, we play the following heart-warming video:
Arizona +4.5 at St. Louis: 10-3 Arizona is an underdog to the 6-7 Rams. . .well, it's all about the QBs. The Cardinals offense has been sorry as shit since Carson Palmer went down, with back-up Drew Stanton unable to hit more than half his passes. The refs gave the Cardinals a gift win last week, with a late game phantom fumble call against KC. The Rams have been the badass team I thought they would be at the beginning of the season, now that Shaun Hill is healthy, and their defense is destroying everything in its path, posting back-to-back shut-outs against the Raiders and Redskins, not the most explosive offenses, sure, but hell, now they get the derelict Cardinals and have a legitimate shot at a goose egg hat trick. 4.5 seems a little high, but the Rams are red hot. St. Louis.
The Dwarf Awareness Game of the Week:
Cincinnati -1 at Cleveland: Ha ha ha. . .man, that came out of left field. Marvin Lewis is the type that don't say shit, even if he has a mouthful, and here he mocks the opposing QB. So Johnny Football is now the Sheriff, the Mayor and the starting QB in Cleveland. And you know Johnny Smalls is practicing right now. Practicing how to taunt Lewis and the Bengals after his first td pass or rushing touchdown. And that, apparently, is the problem with Johnny Smalls, too much time spent on the sideshow stuff, and not enough on the (not very taxing) mechanics of the position, details of the game plan, etc. Now Marvin is apologizing all over the place for calling little Johnny Football a midget. I'm sorry to see that. Obviously Marvin didn't have much respect for Johnny Football, and didn't seem the slightest bit worried about having to face him this Sunday. You said it, coach, and you should have just rode it out, trusting your defense would beat his midget ass. And they will. The Browns season ends with at least one Johnny Football fumble and two Johnny Football INTs. Cincinnati.
Pittsburgh -3 at Atlanta: The Falcons put a late scare into the Packers, before falling a little short. No matter, they still lead the NFC Goodwill division, and their now-seeming main competitor, the Panthers, have a QB with a bum back. . .so the Falcons look like a lock to win the Goodwill, no matter the outcome of this game. Listen, the Steelers have a better offense than Green Bay, because they got that monster negro RB Le'Veon Bell running wild, in addition to Big Ben and all those great receivers. The only team that has been able to stop the Steelers this year is the Steelers, they play down to their competition. But now it's money time, the Steelers are chasing the playoffs, I see no way they sleep through this one, and that is bad news for the Falcons defense. I don't see how the Falcons can keep the Steelers under 35. And all Dick LeBeau has to do is figure out a way to keep Julio Jones somewhat under control, and the Steelers defense should hold the Falcons to 28 or less. It's as simple as this, Pittsburgh is a Super Bowl offense, with a 9-7 defense and a 7-9 coach. The Falcons are a Wild Card offense, with a 4-12 defense and a 10-6 coach. Simple, right? Pittsburgh.
Houston +6.5 at Indianapolis: Another week, another heap of J.J. Watt hype. Now he's an MVP candidate! Please. Watt has a lot of sacks (but, uh, not the most in the League), and the Texans use him as a gimmick in their goal line offense, but the last I checked, Houston was 7-6 and headed nowhere. And this MVP is the *pillar* of the League's #25 ranked defense. So without him they're the #30 or #32 defense, and that makes a difference how? Watt is one of the better DEs in the League, but he ain't Aaron Rodgers. You think the Packers would trade Rodgers for Watt? Listen, I guarantee you the Texans, who've never had even a mediocre QB, would trade Watt to the Falcons for Matt Ryan. . .if Atlanta were dumb enough to make that trade. A sack-and-a-half a game and a few gimmick TDs do not an MVP make. Watch this game, and tell me who has a bigger impact, J.J. Watt or Andrew Luck? Indianapolis.
Miami +7.5 at New England: The Dolphins are in the process of backing out of the playoffs for the second straight year, and that means the end for their goofy-looking coach. They had a 10-0 lead at home against the Ravens last week, then froze, and Baltimore ended up cracking them to pieces, 28-13. A sorry performance in a money game. The Dolphins are dead. Their goofy-looking coach will toss them back into the water, but they'll just wash up on the shores of New England, with crabs picking at their carcass. Patriots.
Green Bay -4.5 at Buffalo: I could be wrong, and at 45-56-2, I usually am, but I got the feeling the Packers might have peaked. They had a run of home games with huge early leads, but last week the Falcons fought back. This could be a dangerous game for Green Bay, they got to get back out on the road, and this is Buffalo's last hurrah. Lose this, and its another lost season. It's hard to imagine Kyle Orton besting Aaron Rodgers, but the Bills defense is legit, they just handled Peyton Manning in Denver. . .but unfortunately they forgot to stop the run, and ended up losing 24-17. I don't know, Aaron Rodgers and the Packers just seem a little too full of themselves, Rodgers even taunted Stephen Tulloch with his little Discount Dance schtick or whatever the fuck that is. I just got a feeling the Packers are due for a punch in the nose. UPSET SPECIAL. Buffalo.
Minnesota +8 at Detroit: In his first year with the Vikings, Mike Zimmer has done one of the better coaching jobs in the League. Week-by-week, Minnesota is getting better on both sides of the ball, and they've already won more games than they did last year. . .and that's without #28, and with a rookie QB. This game should make Lions fans nervous as a cat. The Lions are hanging on to the last NFC playoff spot, and they can't afford a slip-up in their final home game of the year. The Same Old Lions would lose this game on a last second field goal, after 59 minutes of turnovers, blown assignments and dumb penalties, then wet themselves in the season-ending road games at Chicago and Green Bay and once again let the playoffs play off without them. 13 weeks into the season, and we're still waiting to see what the Lions are made of. Matthew Stafford's coming off his two best games of the year, and they need him to keep rolling if they want to get blown out in Atlanta or Philly in the first round of the post season. And this will probably be free-agent-to-be Donkey Kong Suh's last Lion home game, as he seems ready to bolt the Motor City for a more glamorous market to build his imaginary brand. Detroit never won shit with Suh, but still, it was fun to watch him, like last week, when he terrorized poor Josh McClown of Tampa. Let's hope he slings Teddy Bridgewater to the ground a couple times in his Ford Field finale. Thanks for the memories, Donkey Kong. Detroit.
San Francisco +10 at Seattle: The 49ers lost to the Raiders last week. The Raiders. And it wasn't some fluke due to turnovers or a bum call or a lucky bounce. The Raiders simply beat their ass, while taunting the hapless Niner QB Colin Halfernigger. Halfernigger continued his alarming regression from a pretty decent QB into a stumblebum best suited to back-up Matt Schaub. The 49ers are DONE. Jim Harbaugh is GONE. Even the 49er defense looked like they were ready for the season to end, as they stood around watching rookie Derek Carr carve them up with nickel-and-dime passes. Now they go to Seattle to face the peaking Seahawks? The Seahawks defense has been nearly perfect the last three weeks, and now get the Halfernigger train wreck. I'll be shocked if the San Francisco offense scores a touchdown. 10 points isn't nearly enough. Seattle.
Dallas +3 at Philadelphia: The winner is the odds on favorite to win the NFC East. . .the loser is stuck fighting Detroit and the NFC West #2 for the Wild Card spots. The Eagles beat the shit out of the Cowboys in Dallas on Thanksgiving. What's changed in a couple weeks that now somehow Dallas can go into Philly and pull a reversal? Nothing. Philadelphia.
New Orleans -3 at Chicago: Man, how do they figure a favorite in this game? The Bears actually showed a little spirit against the Cowboys, putting up 21 late in the game to make the final score respectable, while the Saints offered no resistance and bent over and took a big one from Carolina. In fact, that might be the single most disgraceful performance by a team this year. Supposedly in a playoff battle, and at home, where supposedly they are so tough, they got ass raped. And somehow now they are the favorite? No way. Jane Cutler is tougher than the Last Exit To Brooklyn Saints. Chicago.
Well, that's fitting, since this is Dwarf Awareness Week in the NFL. . .and in honor of the League's concern for the rights of little people, we play the following heart-warming video:
Arizona +4.5 at St. Louis: 10-3 Arizona is an underdog to the 6-7 Rams. . .well, it's all about the QBs. The Cardinals offense has been sorry as shit since Carson Palmer went down, with back-up Drew Stanton unable to hit more than half his passes. The refs gave the Cardinals a gift win last week, with a late game phantom fumble call against KC. The Rams have been the badass team I thought they would be at the beginning of the season, now that Shaun Hill is healthy, and their defense is destroying everything in its path, posting back-to-back shut-outs against the Raiders and Redskins, not the most explosive offenses, sure, but hell, now they get the derelict Cardinals and have a legitimate shot at a goose egg hat trick. 4.5 seems a little high, but the Rams are red hot. St. Louis.
The Dwarf Awareness Game of the Week:
Pittsburgh -3 at Atlanta: The Falcons put a late scare into the Packers, before falling a little short. No matter, they still lead the NFC Goodwill division, and their now-seeming main competitor, the Panthers, have a QB with a bum back. . .so the Falcons look like a lock to win the Goodwill, no matter the outcome of this game. Listen, the Steelers have a better offense than Green Bay, because they got that monster negro RB Le'Veon Bell running wild, in addition to Big Ben and all those great receivers. The only team that has been able to stop the Steelers this year is the Steelers, they play down to their competition. But now it's money time, the Steelers are chasing the playoffs, I see no way they sleep through this one, and that is bad news for the Falcons defense. I don't see how the Falcons can keep the Steelers under 35. And all Dick LeBeau has to do is figure out a way to keep Julio Jones somewhat under control, and the Steelers defense should hold the Falcons to 28 or less. It's as simple as this, Pittsburgh is a Super Bowl offense, with a 9-7 defense and a 7-9 coach. The Falcons are a Wild Card offense, with a 4-12 defense and a 10-6 coach. Simple, right? Pittsburgh.
Houston +6.5 at Indianapolis: Another week, another heap of J.J. Watt hype. Now he's an MVP candidate! Please. Watt has a lot of sacks (but, uh, not the most in the League), and the Texans use him as a gimmick in their goal line offense, but the last I checked, Houston was 7-6 and headed nowhere. And this MVP is the *pillar* of the League's #25 ranked defense. So without him they're the #30 or #32 defense, and that makes a difference how? Watt is one of the better DEs in the League, but he ain't Aaron Rodgers. You think the Packers would trade Rodgers for Watt? Listen, I guarantee you the Texans, who've never had even a mediocre QB, would trade Watt to the Falcons for Matt Ryan. . .if Atlanta were dumb enough to make that trade. A sack-and-a-half a game and a few gimmick TDs do not an MVP make. Watch this game, and tell me who has a bigger impact, J.J. Watt or Andrew Luck? Indianapolis.
Miami +7.5 at New England: The Dolphins are in the process of backing out of the playoffs for the second straight year, and that means the end for their goofy-looking coach. They had a 10-0 lead at home against the Ravens last week, then froze, and Baltimore ended up cracking them to pieces, 28-13. A sorry performance in a money game. The Dolphins are dead. Their goofy-looking coach will toss them back into the water, but they'll just wash up on the shores of New England, with crabs picking at their carcass. Patriots.
Green Bay -4.5 at Buffalo: I could be wrong, and at 45-56-2, I usually am, but I got the feeling the Packers might have peaked. They had a run of home games with huge early leads, but last week the Falcons fought back. This could be a dangerous game for Green Bay, they got to get back out on the road, and this is Buffalo's last hurrah. Lose this, and its another lost season. It's hard to imagine Kyle Orton besting Aaron Rodgers, but the Bills defense is legit, they just handled Peyton Manning in Denver. . .but unfortunately they forgot to stop the run, and ended up losing 24-17. I don't know, Aaron Rodgers and the Packers just seem a little too full of themselves, Rodgers even taunted Stephen Tulloch with his little Discount Dance schtick or whatever the fuck that is. I just got a feeling the Packers are due for a punch in the nose. UPSET SPECIAL. Buffalo.
Minnesota +8 at Detroit: In his first year with the Vikings, Mike Zimmer has done one of the better coaching jobs in the League. Week-by-week, Minnesota is getting better on both sides of the ball, and they've already won more games than they did last year. . .and that's without #28, and with a rookie QB. This game should make Lions fans nervous as a cat. The Lions are hanging on to the last NFC playoff spot, and they can't afford a slip-up in their final home game of the year. The Same Old Lions would lose this game on a last second field goal, after 59 minutes of turnovers, blown assignments and dumb penalties, then wet themselves in the season-ending road games at Chicago and Green Bay and once again let the playoffs play off without them. 13 weeks into the season, and we're still waiting to see what the Lions are made of. Matthew Stafford's coming off his two best games of the year, and they need him to keep rolling if they want to get blown out in Atlanta or Philly in the first round of the post season. And this will probably be free-agent-to-be Donkey Kong Suh's last Lion home game, as he seems ready to bolt the Motor City for a more glamorous market to build his imaginary brand. Detroit never won shit with Suh, but still, it was fun to watch him, like last week, when he terrorized poor Josh McClown of Tampa. Let's hope he slings Teddy Bridgewater to the ground a couple times in his Ford Field finale. Thanks for the memories, Donkey Kong. Detroit.
San Francisco +10 at Seattle: The 49ers lost to the Raiders last week. The Raiders. And it wasn't some fluke due to turnovers or a bum call or a lucky bounce. The Raiders simply beat their ass, while taunting the hapless Niner QB Colin Halfernigger. Halfernigger continued his alarming regression from a pretty decent QB into a stumblebum best suited to back-up Matt Schaub. The 49ers are DONE. Jim Harbaugh is GONE. Even the 49er defense looked like they were ready for the season to end, as they stood around watching rookie Derek Carr carve them up with nickel-and-dime passes. Now they go to Seattle to face the peaking Seahawks? The Seahawks defense has been nearly perfect the last three weeks, and now get the Halfernigger train wreck. I'll be shocked if the San Francisco offense scores a touchdown. 10 points isn't nearly enough. Seattle.
Dallas +3 at Philadelphia: The winner is the odds on favorite to win the NFC East. . .the loser is stuck fighting Detroit and the NFC West #2 for the Wild Card spots. The Eagles beat the shit out of the Cowboys in Dallas on Thanksgiving. What's changed in a couple weeks that now somehow Dallas can go into Philly and pull a reversal? Nothing. Philadelphia.
New Orleans -3 at Chicago: Man, how do they figure a favorite in this game? The Bears actually showed a little spirit against the Cowboys, putting up 21 late in the game to make the final score respectable, while the Saints offered no resistance and bent over and took a big one from Carolina. In fact, that might be the single most disgraceful performance by a team this year. Supposedly in a playoff battle, and at home, where supposedly they are so tough, they got ass raped. And somehow now they are the favorite? No way. Jane Cutler is tougher than the Last Exit To Brooklyn Saints. Chicago.
College Football Week 16 Picks
2-2 vs the spread last week, 42-29-1 for the season. . .
It's that time of year in college football. . .the coaching carrousel. . .and, uh, some of these decisions make absolutely no sense. Nebraska fires Bo Pelini, who, it's true, never won a big game. . .but they replace him with Mike Riley?!?! Mike Riley? Has he even coached in a big game? The guy was in the Pac-12 for about 15 years, and has a career losing conference record. How is that an upgrade over Pelini, who at least won 9 games every year and got the Cornhuskers into a couple conference championship games? It doesn't make sense. . .
And then Oregon State turns around and replaces Riley with Wisconsin's Gary Andersen. Ha ha ha. I guess the Beavers want to keep having losing conference records, because Andersen is a horseshit coach. He choked away the LSU game and somehow lost 59-0 to a third string QB in the Big Ten title game. . .he had a power run team that looked scared against a soft Buckeye team. . .terrible coach. Oregon State did Wisconsin a favor by taking that lemon. . .
Of course, Michigan is still looking for a coach. . .every name in the book has been linked to that job. . .and they are all on hold, waiting for Jim Harbaugh to get fired from the 49ers and decide where he wants to go next. If Harbaugh says no to Michigan, and I have a hard time seeing him leave the NFL without a Super Bowl ring, I think Les Miles gets his dream job, by default.
One shitty game this week. . .the Annual Turd that is:
Army +14 vs Navy: The future *executioners* of American Foreign Policy (Manifest Destiny) play one last game of football before going off to training on how to kill the others. Navy.
And now we'll forget about college football for a couple weeks, ignoring all the flea bag bowls, until Playoff time. . .
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
NFL Week 14 Picks
3-5 vs the spread last week, 43-49-2 for the season. . .
Pittsburgh +3 at Cincinnati: At one point or another, all four AFC North teams have looked like world-beaters, and then turned around and looked like chump teams. If the season ended today, as they say, only the Bengals would be in the playoffs. And it just might stay that way. The Steelers are loaded on offense, they are that most rare of contemporary NFL teams, they can run or pass, and pile on the points against anybody. Two problems for the Steelers: their defense ain't what it used to be, and under negro wonder coach Mike Tomlin, they play sloppy football, and play down to the level of their competition. . .the Steelers have somehow done the impossible, lose to both the 2-10 Jets and Buccaneers. You'd hate to have your team face the Steelers in the playoffs, though. They got the talent on offense to take down New England or Denver. The Bengals do only one thing well: run the ball. QB Andy Dalton is a yo-yo, and their injury-plagued defense has fallen off. This is a true do-or-die game for both teams. . .the Steelers, on paper, are the better team, but in this battle of colored head coaches, I'll take Marvin Lewis, that old fox, who twisted the rules to his advantage last week and avoided what Mike Tomlin couldn't: an embarrassing loss to Tampa. Cincinnati.
Baltimore +3 at Miami: The Dolphins currently have the last AFC playoff spot, leading by a cunt hair over five other 7-5 teams, one of which is the Ravens. . .so we got another big AFC do-or-die game, here. Neither of these teams has played well in close games, the Dolphins win over the Jets on Monday was their first in games decided by 7 points or less, while the Ravens choked away the Chargers game last Sunday to drop to 2-4 in seven point games. I have the feeling the Ravens should be better than what they've shown so far, but their pass defense just can't stop anybody at money time. The Dolphins have survived the toughest part of their schedule, they get 3 of their last 4 at home, the one road game a likely loss at New England, but their last two are gimmes vs the Vikings and Jets. If they win this one, they got 10 wins and a playoff spot in the bag. Miami.
Indianapolis -3.5 at Cleveland: The Brownies toyed with the idea of dumping Brian Hoyer, who got this chump franchise to 7-5 and playoff contention, for Johnny Football. Hoyer's an all-or-nothing QB who can drive you crazy for 57 minutes, but has the guts and toughness to make the plays in the last 3 minutes to have you saying he was your guy, all along. I think the Brownies made the right call by letting Hoyer finish what he's started. Having Johnny Football come in at the last hour and try to reap what Hoyer sowed ain't a good idea for the locker room. If Hoyer craps out and the Brownies miss the playoffs, then next year you turn it over from Day One to Johnny Football, and the whole team is on his side. Andrew Luck is the new Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, piling up the yards and TD passes, a Hall of Fame Fantasy Quarterback. But Indianapolis has only two wins over teams with winning records. I say the Brownies swallow all the Johnny Football controversy and vomit it up on the Colts. Cleveland.
Tampa Bay +9.5 at Detroit: The Lions lost to Tampa last year, but man, I just don't see how they choke this one away. They need two wins to get a playoff spot, and the schedule maker has served up home games against the Bucs and Vikings. It will be an even more painful choke than last year if the Lions fuck this up. For the most part, the Bucs are giving it the old college try for Lovie Smith, losing 5 games by 8 points or less. But they just aren't very good on offense or defense. . .Tampa did win in Pittsburgh, but short of an injury to Matthew Stafford, I see the Bucs taking another 8 points or less loss. Detroit to win, the Bucs to cover. Tampa Bay.
Buffalo +10 at Denver: The Bills are one of the 7-5 AFC teams just outside the playoffs, and now they got to go to Denver and play a Bronco team that suddenly has a power run game with somebody named C.J. Anderson. The Bills only chance to win is for their #7 rush defense to take away Anderson, and let their #1 sack attack pressure Peyton Manning into a fumble and a couple INTs. Even with that, the Bills offense has been terrible, Kyle Orton hasn't been able to get the ball downfield to Sammy Watkins in weeks. Another wasted season in Buffalo because they got no quarterback. Denver.
Kansas City +1.5 at Arizona: Two weeks ago both teams were rolling along, now two weeks later they're both on two game losing streaks, and wondering if they can keep from sliding out of the playoffs. Both teams offenses have been terrible, and the Chiefs run defense is non-existent. The Cardinal pass defense was beaten badly by Matt Ryan and Julio Jones last week. You got two sick dogs playing here, and the loser may be put to playoff sleep. Strictly going with the desert advantage. Arizona.
Seattle EVEN at Philadelphia: The winner of this game will probably end up the #2 NFC seed behind Green Bay. Most people think the Seahawks are back, but they've been beating up on the lame and the halt, while the Eagles are coming off a dominating road win at Dallas. The Eagles have gotten their run game going again, and that makes it a lot easier for Mark Sanchez. I don't see Seattle's run heavy offense being able to hang with the Eagles. Seattle hasn't played against a good offense since Oct. 12, when they lost at home to Dallas. Shutting down Drew Stanton and Colin Halfernigger don't fool me. Philadelphia.
New England -3.5 at San Diego: The Patriots are coming off a decent loss at Green Bay, while the Chargers stole one at Baltimore to keep their playoff hopes alive. Even though the Pats managed to hang with Green Bay, and there's no shame in losing to Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau, their shortcomings were fully exposed: Tom Brady is running a nickel-and-dime offense, they got no big play capability, and they got holes in their secondary. A second straight tough road game for the Patriots, and I think Phillip Rivers has the receivers to beat NE's secondary and outscore Brady. San Diego.
Atlanta +12 at Green Bay: A Heavyweight Battle of NFC Division Leaders as the NFC North-leading Green Bay Packers host the, uh. . .the 5-7 Atlanta Falcons, standard-bearers for the, uh, NFC Goodwill Division. Well, at least the Falcons remembered they got a guy named Julio Jones, they dusted him off last week and had a pretty easy win against Arizona. Green Bay is terrible against the run, and a bit spotty in the secondary. If the Falcons stick to the right mix of pass and run, they have the ability to hang a few points on the Packers, and keep this close early. But Aaron Rodgers going against the NFL's worst pass defense? I don't see the Falcons staying close for more than a half. Green Bay.
Pittsburgh +3 at Cincinnati: At one point or another, all four AFC North teams have looked like world-beaters, and then turned around and looked like chump teams. If the season ended today, as they say, only the Bengals would be in the playoffs. And it just might stay that way. The Steelers are loaded on offense, they are that most rare of contemporary NFL teams, they can run or pass, and pile on the points against anybody. Two problems for the Steelers: their defense ain't what it used to be, and under negro wonder coach Mike Tomlin, they play sloppy football, and play down to the level of their competition. . .the Steelers have somehow done the impossible, lose to both the 2-10 Jets and Buccaneers. You'd hate to have your team face the Steelers in the playoffs, though. They got the talent on offense to take down New England or Denver. The Bengals do only one thing well: run the ball. QB Andy Dalton is a yo-yo, and their injury-plagued defense has fallen off. This is a true do-or-die game for both teams. . .the Steelers, on paper, are the better team, but in this battle of colored head coaches, I'll take Marvin Lewis, that old fox, who twisted the rules to his advantage last week and avoided what Mike Tomlin couldn't: an embarrassing loss to Tampa. Cincinnati.
Baltimore +3 at Miami: The Dolphins currently have the last AFC playoff spot, leading by a cunt hair over five other 7-5 teams, one of which is the Ravens. . .so we got another big AFC do-or-die game, here. Neither of these teams has played well in close games, the Dolphins win over the Jets on Monday was their first in games decided by 7 points or less, while the Ravens choked away the Chargers game last Sunday to drop to 2-4 in seven point games. I have the feeling the Ravens should be better than what they've shown so far, but their pass defense just can't stop anybody at money time. The Dolphins have survived the toughest part of their schedule, they get 3 of their last 4 at home, the one road game a likely loss at New England, but their last two are gimmes vs the Vikings and Jets. If they win this one, they got 10 wins and a playoff spot in the bag. Miami.
Indianapolis -3.5 at Cleveland: The Brownies toyed with the idea of dumping Brian Hoyer, who got this chump franchise to 7-5 and playoff contention, for Johnny Football. Hoyer's an all-or-nothing QB who can drive you crazy for 57 minutes, but has the guts and toughness to make the plays in the last 3 minutes to have you saying he was your guy, all along. I think the Brownies made the right call by letting Hoyer finish what he's started. Having Johnny Football come in at the last hour and try to reap what Hoyer sowed ain't a good idea for the locker room. If Hoyer craps out and the Brownies miss the playoffs, then next year you turn it over from Day One to Johnny Football, and the whole team is on his side. Andrew Luck is the new Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, piling up the yards and TD passes, a Hall of Fame Fantasy Quarterback. But Indianapolis has only two wins over teams with winning records. I say the Brownies swallow all the Johnny Football controversy and vomit it up on the Colts. Cleveland.
Tampa Bay +9.5 at Detroit: The Lions lost to Tampa last year, but man, I just don't see how they choke this one away. They need two wins to get a playoff spot, and the schedule maker has served up home games against the Bucs and Vikings. It will be an even more painful choke than last year if the Lions fuck this up. For the most part, the Bucs are giving it the old college try for Lovie Smith, losing 5 games by 8 points or less. But they just aren't very good on offense or defense. . .Tampa did win in Pittsburgh, but short of an injury to Matthew Stafford, I see the Bucs taking another 8 points or less loss. Detroit to win, the Bucs to cover. Tampa Bay.
Buffalo +10 at Denver: The Bills are one of the 7-5 AFC teams just outside the playoffs, and now they got to go to Denver and play a Bronco team that suddenly has a power run game with somebody named C.J. Anderson. The Bills only chance to win is for their #7 rush defense to take away Anderson, and let their #1 sack attack pressure Peyton Manning into a fumble and a couple INTs. Even with that, the Bills offense has been terrible, Kyle Orton hasn't been able to get the ball downfield to Sammy Watkins in weeks. Another wasted season in Buffalo because they got no quarterback. Denver.
Kansas City +1.5 at Arizona: Two weeks ago both teams were rolling along, now two weeks later they're both on two game losing streaks, and wondering if they can keep from sliding out of the playoffs. Both teams offenses have been terrible, and the Chiefs run defense is non-existent. The Cardinal pass defense was beaten badly by Matt Ryan and Julio Jones last week. You got two sick dogs playing here, and the loser may be put to playoff sleep. Strictly going with the desert advantage. Arizona.
Seattle EVEN at Philadelphia: The winner of this game will probably end up the #2 NFC seed behind Green Bay. Most people think the Seahawks are back, but they've been beating up on the lame and the halt, while the Eagles are coming off a dominating road win at Dallas. The Eagles have gotten their run game going again, and that makes it a lot easier for Mark Sanchez. I don't see Seattle's run heavy offense being able to hang with the Eagles. Seattle hasn't played against a good offense since Oct. 12, when they lost at home to Dallas. Shutting down Drew Stanton and Colin Halfernigger don't fool me. Philadelphia.
New England -3.5 at San Diego: The Patriots are coming off a decent loss at Green Bay, while the Chargers stole one at Baltimore to keep their playoff hopes alive. Even though the Pats managed to hang with Green Bay, and there's no shame in losing to Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau, their shortcomings were fully exposed: Tom Brady is running a nickel-and-dime offense, they got no big play capability, and they got holes in their secondary. A second straight tough road game for the Patriots, and I think Phillip Rivers has the receivers to beat NE's secondary and outscore Brady. San Diego.
Atlanta +12 at Green Bay: A Heavyweight Battle of NFC Division Leaders as the NFC North-leading Green Bay Packers host the, uh. . .the 5-7 Atlanta Falcons, standard-bearers for the, uh, NFC Goodwill Division. Well, at least the Falcons remembered they got a guy named Julio Jones, they dusted him off last week and had a pretty easy win against Arizona. Green Bay is terrible against the run, and a bit spotty in the secondary. If the Falcons stick to the right mix of pass and run, they have the ability to hang a few points on the Packers, and keep this close early. But Aaron Rodgers going against the NFL's worst pass defense? I don't see the Falcons staying close for more than a half. Green Bay.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
College Football Week 15 Picks
4-3 vs the spread last week, 40-27-1 for the season. . .
The end is here. . .just a few conference championship games, and the Playoff field will be set. Let's hope the Playoffs provide a little drama, because the regular sesason was pretty dull. No players or teams seemed *special.* The SEC doesn't have a decent QB, the Pac-12 has several teams with dynamic offenses but sorry defenses, ditto for the Big 12 (and their name schools sucked), so the Playoff Committee has a TCU/Baylor Sophie's Choice, the ACC has the only unbeaten (for now), Florida State, but the Semen-oles are living on borrowed time, the Big 10 has Ohio State, with a third string quarterback and a horrible run defense. As for the Heisman Trophy, I suppose it will go to Oregon's Marcus Mariota, by default, as long as he doesn't botch the Pac-12 title game against Arizona, but with the suspension/injury to Todd Gurley, there really hasn't been a Heisman player this yesar. . .
The Flops of the Year were UCLA and Oklahoma, teams that should have made a run at the Playoffs, but finished with 3 losses, Notre Dame (7-5), which finished with a four game losing streak, the season-ender being an especially ugly ass-kicking from USC, Stanford (7-5), South Carolina (6-6), Auburn (8-4 and what happens you gain over 600 yards on Alabama and still lose? You fire the DC). And Georgia with its Clean Shirt defense once again failed to take advantage of the weak SEC East, somehow finishing second to a Missouri team they destroyed on their own home field.
Coaches of the Year: 1. Gary Patterson (TCU). 2. Rich Rodriguez (Arizona). 3. Gary Pinkel (Missouri). Nobody had any of these teams in Playoff or Conference championship contention.
Negro Wonder Boy Flop Coaches of the Year: 1. James Franklin (Penn State), 6-6 on the year, all six losses in the horrible Big 10. 2. Charlie Stong (Texas), 6-6 and National Leader in claiming *moral victories* every time he lost. 3. David Shaw (Stanford), 7-5. *Affirmative Action* *sports casters* said this darkie would be able to keep Stanford at Harbaugh levels, he was such a brown football genius. He was just a Harbaugh by-product, though, and the biggest pussy coach in the nation, twice punting late in tie games on the opponents side of the field.
Coach Who Had The Worst Year: Nobody fucked it up more than Brady Hoke (Michigan), finishing 5-7, losing to Rutgers and Maryland, looking completely clueless in the Shane Morris Concussion-gate, and looking like something from Diary of a Wimpy Coach after apologizing to Mark Dantonio over the absurd stake-gate. Hoke should be fired by the time this gets posted, and all Michigan fans everywhere can get set to have their hearts broken when Jim Harbaugh says *thanks, but no thanks.*
Arizona +13.5 vs Oregon: Ha! Still no respect for Rich Rodriguez' Wildcats. They've kicked Oregon's butt twice in a row, and are still a heavy underdog. I understand part of the reasoning: Arizona's defense is truly awful, and they've lucked out with a great turnover margin. . .but this is the Pac-12, where outside of Stanford, everybody has a suspect defense. I don't know if Arizona is up to an Oregon hat trick, but, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, I gotta go with RichRod to at least cover. Arizona.
Alabama -14.5 vs Missouri: Somehow Missouri came back from the dead late in the fourth quarter last week and beat Wisconsin South, robbing the nation of what would have been an exciting Georgia - Alabama title game. Now we get this mismatch. Gary Pinkel is a helluva coach, no way this Missouri team should have fnished 10-2 and SEC East champs. This is a 7-5, 4th in the East team. As good a coach as Pinkel is, I see no way he can keep this game close. After this Alabama 30+ win, Georgia, Florida and South Carolina fans are going to be irate all over again for their teams finishing behind the Tigers. Alabama.
Florida State -4 vs Georgia Tech: End of the Line for the Hymen Trophy winner and the Semen*oles. Florida State don't have the discipline to withstand 60 minutes of rushing football. As long as Tech don't give the game away in the first half with turnovers or special teams fuck-ups, they will wear down FSU and run away late from Outlaw State. Georgia Tech.
Wisconsin -4 vs Ohio State: Ha ha ha poor Urban Meyer! At least he's already got his excuse, poor us, we had to play a 3rd string QB. But listen, they would have lost this game with Braxton Miller or J.T. Barrett. . .because the Buckeye's run defense is HORRIBLE! And what does Wisconsin do? RUN, RUN, and RUN some more. The Buckeye's couldn't stop Michigan's Drake Johnson, for crying out loud, how in Hell are they going to stop Melvin Gordon? They won't. So Urban Meyer is going to be 35-4 at Ohio State, with no conference championships, no BCS bowl wins, no Playoff appearance. No coach in the history of college football has ever had a more meaningless 35-4 record. But at least he'll have his excuse. Wisconsin.
So what would the Playoffs look like if Florida State loses?
Alabama, TCU/Baylor, Oregon and who? Do you take both TCU and Baylor, with the Big 12 looking like the Cat who ate the SEC's canary? Or do you take a two loss team like Mississippi State? Toss the Big 10 a bone and take Wisconsin? Georgia Tech?
And what if Oregon loses?
You got to take Arizona. Got to. Imagine RichRod getting into the first-ever Playoffs. . .while Michigan is 5-7 and looking for another coach, again!
Anyway, here's my final playoff prediction:
#1 Alabama vs #4 Baylor
#2 Oregon vs #3 TCU
I don't see how you can take a two loss conference championship team over a one loss conference co-champion. The Big 12, with no conference championship game out-foxes the Big 10 and the ACC!!
The end is here. . .just a few conference championship games, and the Playoff field will be set. Let's hope the Playoffs provide a little drama, because the regular sesason was pretty dull. No players or teams seemed *special.* The SEC doesn't have a decent QB, the Pac-12 has several teams with dynamic offenses but sorry defenses, ditto for the Big 12 (and their name schools sucked), so the Playoff Committee has a TCU/Baylor Sophie's Choice, the ACC has the only unbeaten (for now), Florida State, but the Semen-oles are living on borrowed time, the Big 10 has Ohio State, with a third string quarterback and a horrible run defense. As for the Heisman Trophy, I suppose it will go to Oregon's Marcus Mariota, by default, as long as he doesn't botch the Pac-12 title game against Arizona, but with the suspension/injury to Todd Gurley, there really hasn't been a Heisman player this yesar. . .
The Flops of the Year were UCLA and Oklahoma, teams that should have made a run at the Playoffs, but finished with 3 losses, Notre Dame (7-5), which finished with a four game losing streak, the season-ender being an especially ugly ass-kicking from USC, Stanford (7-5), South Carolina (6-6), Auburn (8-4 and what happens you gain over 600 yards on Alabama and still lose? You fire the DC). And Georgia with its Clean Shirt defense once again failed to take advantage of the weak SEC East, somehow finishing second to a Missouri team they destroyed on their own home field.
Coaches of the Year: 1. Gary Patterson (TCU). 2. Rich Rodriguez (Arizona). 3. Gary Pinkel (Missouri). Nobody had any of these teams in Playoff or Conference championship contention.
Negro Wonder Boy Flop Coaches of the Year: 1. James Franklin (Penn State), 6-6 on the year, all six losses in the horrible Big 10. 2. Charlie Stong (Texas), 6-6 and National Leader in claiming *moral victories* every time he lost. 3. David Shaw (Stanford), 7-5. *Affirmative Action* *sports casters* said this darkie would be able to keep Stanford at Harbaugh levels, he was such a brown football genius. He was just a Harbaugh by-product, though, and the biggest pussy coach in the nation, twice punting late in tie games on the opponents side of the field.
Coach Who Had The Worst Year: Nobody fucked it up more than Brady Hoke (Michigan), finishing 5-7, losing to Rutgers and Maryland, looking completely clueless in the Shane Morris Concussion-gate, and looking like something from Diary of a Wimpy Coach after apologizing to Mark Dantonio over the absurd stake-gate. Hoke should be fired by the time this gets posted, and all Michigan fans everywhere can get set to have their hearts broken when Jim Harbaugh says *thanks, but no thanks.*
Arizona +13.5 vs Oregon: Ha! Still no respect for Rich Rodriguez' Wildcats. They've kicked Oregon's butt twice in a row, and are still a heavy underdog. I understand part of the reasoning: Arizona's defense is truly awful, and they've lucked out with a great turnover margin. . .but this is the Pac-12, where outside of Stanford, everybody has a suspect defense. I don't know if Arizona is up to an Oregon hat trick, but, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, I gotta go with RichRod to at least cover. Arizona.
Alabama -14.5 vs Missouri: Somehow Missouri came back from the dead late in the fourth quarter last week and beat Wisconsin South, robbing the nation of what would have been an exciting Georgia - Alabama title game. Now we get this mismatch. Gary Pinkel is a helluva coach, no way this Missouri team should have fnished 10-2 and SEC East champs. This is a 7-5, 4th in the East team. As good a coach as Pinkel is, I see no way he can keep this game close. After this Alabama 30+ win, Georgia, Florida and South Carolina fans are going to be irate all over again for their teams finishing behind the Tigers. Alabama.
Florida State -4 vs Georgia Tech: End of the Line for the Hymen Trophy winner and the Semen*oles. Florida State don't have the discipline to withstand 60 minutes of rushing football. As long as Tech don't give the game away in the first half with turnovers or special teams fuck-ups, they will wear down FSU and run away late from Outlaw State. Georgia Tech.
Wisconsin -4 vs Ohio State: Ha ha ha poor Urban Meyer! At least he's already got his excuse, poor us, we had to play a 3rd string QB. But listen, they would have lost this game with Braxton Miller or J.T. Barrett. . .because the Buckeye's run defense is HORRIBLE! And what does Wisconsin do? RUN, RUN, and RUN some more. The Buckeye's couldn't stop Michigan's Drake Johnson, for crying out loud, how in Hell are they going to stop Melvin Gordon? They won't. So Urban Meyer is going to be 35-4 at Ohio State, with no conference championships, no BCS bowl wins, no Playoff appearance. No coach in the history of college football has ever had a more meaningless 35-4 record. But at least he'll have his excuse. Wisconsin.
So what would the Playoffs look like if Florida State loses?
Alabama, TCU/Baylor, Oregon and who? Do you take both TCU and Baylor, with the Big 12 looking like the Cat who ate the SEC's canary? Or do you take a two loss team like Mississippi State? Toss the Big 10 a bone and take Wisconsin? Georgia Tech?
And what if Oregon loses?
You got to take Arizona. Got to. Imagine RichRod getting into the first-ever Playoffs. . .while Michigan is 5-7 and looking for another coach, again!
Anyway, here's my final playoff prediction:
#1 Alabama vs #4 Baylor
#2 Oregon vs #3 TCU
I don't see how you can take a two loss conference championship team over a one loss conference co-champion. The Big 12, with no conference championship game out-foxes the Big 10 and the ACC!!
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