NFL Week 13 Picks

3-0-1 vs the spread last week, 39-35-2 for the year. . .

Dallas -3.5 at Minnesota: Make no mistake, that was a devastatingly bad end game INT the faggot Samantha Bradford tossed up against Detroit on Thanksgiving. . .they lost the game, the North Pole Division lead, and the short-term future, because it highlighted the folly of giving a 1st and 4th round draft pick for a failed faggot QB. . .if there's one thing that can break a defense, it's having to play for a homo QB who wets himself in the big moments. . .if the Vikings recover from that catastrophic Bradford INT and find some way to beat the Cowboy juggernaut, I'll shit my pants and send the mess to Bradford to beat-off with.  Dallas. 

Kansas City +3.5 at Atlanta: One of the most interesting match-ups of the season.  You have Atlanta, with undeniably one of the best offenses in the League, going against an 8-3 Chiefs team which, except for rushing the passer, doesn't do much of anything.  KC is 27th in total offense and 28th in total defense, and their QB, Alex Smith, now looks like his pre-Jim Harbaugh mediocre self. . .the Chiefs should be a bad team. . .and yet they win.  What's the Chief's secret?  They are +14 in turnovers, i.e., Kansas City is lucky as Hell, plain and simple.  If this game were played in computer simulation, without any ability to factor in *random football chaos,* Atlanta would win by at least 14.  Atlanta.  

Detroit +5.5 at New Orleans: Tough match-up for Dee-troit, which has got most of its wins against the likes of Samantha Bradford, Case Keenum and Blake Bortles, crappy QBs running low-octane offenses, perfect tomato cans for the Lions to kick around with a bunch of 4th quarter Matthew Stafford field goal drives.  The Lions have scored over 24 points only four times this season, and even though the Saints are a lousy team, they can still pile up the points, they've been held to under 24 only 3 times.  The Lions defense hangs tough most games, but this time they got to go against a real NFL quarterback.  The Lions have trailed in the 4th quarter every game this year, that trend will continue.  All their games have been decided by 7 points or less, that trend won't.  New Orleans.  

Los Angeles +13.5 at New England: The Rams are 4-7, and Jeff Fisher is in danger of falling out of his 7-9, 8-8 job safety zone.  When this has happened in years past, Fisher always managed to poach a big upset, usually against Seattle, to get his team back on track to .500.  The Patriots looked like a sure Super Bowl winner in Tom Brady's first 4 post-suspension games, but in the last three, they've lost to Seattle and had unimpressive wins over the shitty 49ers and Jets.  The Patriots have only an average run defense, so this may finally be the week poor Todd Gurley finds a little room to run.  UPSET SPECIAL.  Los Angeles. 

San Francisco +2.5 at Chicago: While the 49ers are 28th in total offense and 31st in total defense, and thus look on paper like the 1-10 team they are, the Bears are 16th in total offense and 11th in total defense, so how the Hell have they only won 2 games?  They should be a 4 or 5 win team at least, and yet here they are, entering the ring for a sissy fight with the boys from San Francisco.  I've always thought John Fox was one of the better coaches, I mean, he almost beat Tom Brady and the Patriots for a Super Bowl with Jake Delhomme as his QB!  But Fox has really struggled in his two years with the Bears. . .is he the new Jeff Fisher?  With the Browns on a bye, the loser of this game is the National Football League's Week 13 Laughingstock.  Chicago. 

New York Giants +5.5 at Pittsburgh: You can tell the *experts* think the Lions and Giants are *smoke-and-mirrors* teams, they're both getting a generous 5.5 points against *inferior* (record-wise) teams.  The *experts* are probably right.  The Giants coach, Ben McaWho?, is a Coach of the Year front-runner, while nigger coach Mike Tomlin once again is doing his best to keep a Super Bowl talent team out of the playoffs.  If the Steelers play an honest game, they'll crush the Giants.  Pittsburgh.

NFL Week 12 Picks

3-3-1 vs the spread last week, 36-35-1 for the year. . .

Ha! Did Pete Carroll walk into an Assistant Coaches store one day, wander down the Eternally Optimistic Good Sport aisle, spot the Bald w/Moustache+Goatee model Defensive Coordinator, and say, "I'll take two of those?"

Pete Carroll's last two DCs, Dan Quinn and Gus Bradley, are the same fucking guy!  Not only do they look alike, they have the same 12 Step Program *Serenity To Accept The Things They Cannot Change* mentality, even in the face of the most bitter defeats:

As quintessential Good Sports, they both give credit to the opponent their team gives a game away to, then proceed to find the proverbial Silver Lining in the Dark Cloud of Defeat. Bradley especially must have a drawer full of these babies:



The Apostle Paul had this to say about testing a man's work to reveal his philosophical foundation:

Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is.

With his 14-44 career record, Bradley's seen more than enough flames to prove he's a True Believer.  And there he was again Sunday, after his team's latest disaster, giving away a game when one of the Jaguar defensive linemen fell for the oldest trick in the book, getting suckered into jumping offside on a 4th-and-1 late in the final quarter. . .Bradley remained ever-positive and upbeat, cheering his pathetic squad's effort even while knowing, deep down, their bungling play has left him just 6 games to coach before his head hits the chopping block.

Yes, after enduring four years of Jacksonville Hell, Gus Bradley's gotta be a Master Disciple of the 12 Step School.  

As for Dan Quinn, we have the winner's paradox: he hasn't lost enough to reveal the authenticity of the gospel he preaches.  

In the eyes of the world, Gus Bradley is a loser.  But he's a High Priest in the Cult of Perpetual Defeat, where no loss is ever final, and where the sad-sack who falls off the wagon achieves victory simply by cheerfully starting all over again.

But a word to the wise, Gus: A prophet is not without honor, except in his own home:

Minnesota +3 at Detroit: It's late November and the Lions are actually playing a game that matters?!?!  First place in the NFC North Pole Division is on the line in this battle between very flawed elf teams.  The Vikings snapped a four game losing streak against Arizona with a couple fluke 100 yard plays, and in the process sent Cardinal HC Bruce Arians to the ER with *chest pains.*  Both teams have horrible offensive lines and non-existent run games.  The Lions are better at QB, WR and kicker.  The Vikings are superior all across the board on defense, and are better coached.  Defense travels.  Defense wins championships.  Minnesota.

Washington +7.5 at Dallas: 9 in a row for Dallas and their negro wonder boy rookies, Prescott and Elliott.  The Redskins are on a pretty good streak as well, 6-1-1 since starting the season 0-2, but most of those games have been against the NFL's middle class, teams hovering at or just above or just below .500, so it's hard to tell how good they really are.  The Law of Averages in the National Parity League says the Cowboys are due for a loss, but the Law of Averages also says shitty coach Jay Gruden is also due for a loss.  I'll take the team getting the points.  Washington.

Arizona +4 at Atlanta: At the time I type this, Bruce Arians is still alive, and still expected to coach this game, having recovered from *chest pains* after watching his team give away a game to the Vikings. As it turns out, Arians is something of a hypochondriac, having multiple hospital calls during his long coaching career, claiming ear infections, kidney stones, migraines, even colon and prostate cancer.  If he really did suffer all those ailments, how come he's so fat?  Usually the terminally ill are pencil thin.  Anyway, the Cardinals have been a major disappointment, mainly due to the decline of Carson Palmer.  Palmer's looked washed up a couple times prior, but this time, at age 37, he might be finished for good.  Arizona's defense is still decent, and they have a running back, David Johnson, who could cause Atlanta's mediocre defense some problems.  They should be able to hang around for most of the game, but in the 4th quarter, when they need Palmer to make a play or two, they'll be out of luck.  Atlanta scores late to win the game and cover.  Atlanta.

Los Angeles +7 at New Orleans:  Trish Goff vs Drew Brees. . .'nuff said.  New Orleans.

BONUS COLLEGE GAMES:

TCU +2.5 at Texas: The failed Texas nigger head coach Charlie Strong has been playing the victim ever since his Longhorns did the impossible and lost to Kansas, and it became apparent he wasn't merely on the *hot seat,* but would undoubtedly be fired.  Strong used his Monday press conference to once again blame his sorry-ass 16-20 record (the worst head coaching record in the proud history of UT football) on Mack Brown once (for *leaving the cupboard bare*), Mack Brown twice (for leaving him with 9 bad apples he had to kick off the team), and Media (for creating *noise* which caused his players, who love him so much, to try too hard to save his job, causing them to choke on the field).  Strong has always painted himself as a victim. . .he claims he was passed over for jobs in the SEC (for which he assumes we will believe he was qualified) because he has a white wife, for example.  Because of his race and his constant crying about being victimized, Media always portrays Brown in the best possible light, saying what a *great man* he is, a *great leader,* etc., etc. while covering up his extra-marital affair at Louisville and not mentioning how little loyalty he has, firing assistant coaches at the drop of a dime to scapegoat them for Texas' sorry-ass play.  I can't believe any Big Time program doesn't know the truth, that Strong is a shitty coach who failed at Texas, and I'd be shocked if he ever got a Big Time job again. . .but I won't be shocked when he cries how hard it is for nigger coaches to get a second chance.  As for the game, TCU's defense has completely fallen apart, and monster Texas RB D'Onta Foreman should have no problem getting another 200 yard performance, sending crybaby Strong off into the sunset with a meaningless victory he will claim proves *how close* Texas is.  Texas.     

Michigan +7 at Ohio State: Michigan has the better defense, but it is a gambling defense that can get burned for the big play.  Against bottom-feeder teams like Rutgers and Maryland, it's no problem, but it almost got them beat by Colorado, but they managed to KO the Buffaloes QB before he could beat them on points.  JT Barrett is very similar to the Colorado QB, and is probably the difference maker in what on paper looks like a toss-up game.  Ohio State.

NFL Week 11 Picks

2-5 vs the spread last week, 33-32 for the year. . .

We've played enough football now where we can review my season preview and get an idea of how I did:

Season Preview

Division Winners:

AFC East: New England--on the money
AFC North: Cincinnati--could still win this shitty division, but doubtful
AFC South: Houston--on the money
AFC West: Oakland--on the money
AFC Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, New York Jets--way off!!

NFC East: New York--not bad, but didn't see Dallas coming
NFC North: Detroit--on the money. . .so far. . .will probably let me down
NFC South: Carolina--way off, shocked how bad Rivera's defense has been
NFC West: Arizona--way off 
NFC Wild Cards: Seattle, Atlanta--underestimated them both a little, both look like sure division winners

AFC Flop of the Year: Indianapolis--on the money
NFC Flop of the Year: Green Bay--on the money


Super Bowl: Arizona over Cincinnati--way, way, way off

Biggest misses were Chiefs and Cowboys, still don't think Chiefs have the weapons on offense to do much damage in the playoffs.  Not 100% convinced on Dak Prescott yet. . .and Dallas' defense isn't good enough.

My Revised Super Bowl pick would be: Oakland over Seattle

Pittsburgh -9 at Cleveland: Nigger Cleveland head coach Hue Jackson has lost ten in a row, nigger head coach Mike TomLin has lost four in a row.  Lesson: Don't hire a nigger to coach a National Football League team.  Expect a sloppy, penalty-filled game with neither Welfare Queen team giving more than a minimal effort.  Cleveland.  

Baltimore +7.5 at Dallas: The Ravens just might have the defense to slow down the Cowboys negro rookie wonder boys, Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott.  Remember when Joe Flacco was a Super Bowl MVP and one of the best Playoff QBs of All-Time?  Yup, he's faded even more than the faggot Aaron Rodgers.  The Ravens should be able to hang in there just enough to cover.  Baltimore.

Jacksonville +7 at Detroit: The Jaguar defense hasn't forced a turnover in 23 quarters, nearly 6 full games!!  This is the Law of Averages National Football League, so the Jags are due a shitload of fumbles and INTs.  The Lions haven't won a division title since 1993, yet this elf team somehow finds itself leading the NFC North Pole Division.  Well, the Lions have won only 1 playoff game in the last 59 years, and how is that even possible in the the Law of Averages National Football League?  Since the Lions futility has a history of defying the odds, it is more likely in this game that Jax gets their shitload of turnovers than Dee-troit continues a winning march to a division title.  This will probably be inept white coach Gus Bradley's last-ever win.  Jacksonville. 

Miami EVEN at Los Angeles: The Dolphins looked worse than the Browns at the start of the season, but have it turned it around the last 4 weeks, and it hasn't been due to new head coach/QB whisperer Adam Gase turning on any lightbulbs in mediocre QB Ryan Tannehill's head. . .Tannehill is still mediocre, but Gase figured out a work-around: run the fucking football.  Yup, an old school run game with draft-pick-bust-turned-All-Pro halfback Jay Ajayi has remade the Dolphins into a Wild Card contender.  Even the defense has begun to play better, perhaps due to not having to rush back onto the field every four snaps. . .last week the Dolphins Donkeykong Suh-led line finally looked like they hoped it would when they threw a Brinks truck load of money at the QB tripper/kicker/stomper, as they frightened Phillip Rivers into a horrible 4 pick game.  And so this is the week eternal head coach Jeff Fisher chooses to turn the Rams corpse-like offense over to rookie #1 draft pick Jared Goff!  Goff looked feeble in the preseason, and now after being ignored for 9 weeks, supposedly he has *absorbed* some QB magick by standing on the sideline watching Case Keenum's stumbles and bumbles?  Ha. . .right.  Take the Dolphin's defense this week in Fantasy Football.  Miami. 

Philadelphia +7 at Seattle: The Eagles managed something no other team has, they stalled Atlanta's offense. . .they beat the Falcons with a nickel-and-dime pass attack and a surprisingly strong rushing attack, but I doubt they can duplicate that winning formula against the Seahawk defense. . .Carson Wentz is gonna have to be able to challenge Seattle down the field, but so far in his rookie season, he hasn't shown that ability.  This should be a defense dominated game, with Seattle winning, but not covering.  Philadelphia.

Green Bay +2.5 at Washington: The Fudge Packers looked like a team ready to quit on their faggot QB in their embarrassing performance in Tennessee.  Challenged by Erin Rodgers to show more *energy,* the Fudge Packers came out and promptly gave up 21 straight points to the Remember The Titans Suck, the game was over in the first quarter, with both teams then enjoying 45 stress-free minutes of garbage time football.  The Fudge Packers have packed it on their faggot *leader.*  As long as Kirk Cousins keeps his evil Kirk CousINTs personality suppressed, the Redskins will have no problem cornholing Lavender Bay.  Washington.  

Houston +5.5 at Oakland: Broke Osweiler vs Derek Carr. . .'nuff said.  Oakland.

NFL Week 10 Picks

4-1 vs the spread last week, 31-27 for the year. . .

Cleveland +10 at Baltimore: The Browns are now more than half-way to joining the 2008 Dee-troit Lions in the National Football League Hall of Shame 0-16 Wing.  How do the two teams compare?  The 2008 Lions finished 30th in total offense at 268.2 yards per game, while the 2016 Browns are only slightly below average, 19th at 341 yards per game.  On defense, the Lions were dead last, 32nd at 404.4 yards per game, while the Browns are 31st at 421.7 yards.  The average score of the Lions game was Opponent 32.3, Dee-troit 16.8.  For the Browns, it's Opponent 30.3, Browns 18.6.  We must conclude the Browns do not quite yet measure down to the 2008 Lions, and we therefore further conclude at some point they will win a game. . .and it could very well be this one, as the Browns actually have a better offense than the Ravens, and while Baltimore's defense is much better, if the Browns get a couple turnovers, a big special teams play or two, this could be their magick Sunday. . .but probably not.  Still, I find it hard to believe the Ravens could beat anybody by 10 points.  Cleveland.

Green Bay -3 at Tennessee: Faggot QB-in-Decline Aaron Rodgers pointed the finger at teammates after last week's embarrassing home loss to the lightweight Colts, saying his Fudge Packers didn't bring enough energy to the game.  I don't think being called out by a faggot is going to go over very well in an NFL locker room, and I wouldn't be surprised if his linemen intentionally whiff their first pass blocks, sending a message to their queer QB by letting him get face-planted.  The losses might come fast and furious now for GB.  The Titans are improving, they have a decent power run game, and Marcus Mariota is better than I thought he'd be. . .and he's clearly better than the nigger drafted ahead of him, the rapist Jameis Winston.  Tennessee.  

Minnesota +3 at Washington: The Vikings defense is starting to crack under the pressure of having to carry a faggot Samantha Bradford offense.  Last week they gave up a game-tying FG on the last drive of the 4th quarter, and an 87 yard game-losing TD drive at the beginning of overtime.  Loser of three in a row, Mike Zimmer tried to place most of the blame on inept kicker Blair Walsh, holding kicking tryouts early in the week, yet then lacked the guts to cut Walsh.  Zimmer's been on a strictly upward curve for his entire 2 1/2 years as Minnesota's head man, but with a fourth straight loss, he'd be facing his first coaching crisis.  The Redskins are one of the NFL's fifteen teams even or one game plus or minus .500. . .the great middle class of professional football.  The Vikings are severely limited on offense, yet have the better defense and better head coach, and are getting points.  Can't pass that up.  Minnesota.

Atlanta EVEN at Philadelphia: Eagles are trending down, as QB Carson Wentz is looking more and more like a rookie each week.  The Falcons offense is operating with machine precision, and not even the Eagles ace DC Psycho Jim Schwartz will be able to stop them.  Philly's only hope is to knock Matt Ryan out of the game and get a couple gifts from backup QB Matt *Pick Six* Schaub.  Atlanta.    

Denver +2 at New Orleans: Denver's a Super Bowl champ just starting its slide to mediocrity, while the Saints have already been there for a few seasons.  There's still enough juice left in the Bronco defense to hold off Drew Brees, who's at the point in his career where he can only beat NFL bottom feeders.  Denver.  

Dallas +2.5 at Pittsburgh: The Steelers have lost three in a row, the Cowboys have won seven in a row.  The Law of Averages rules the National Parity League.  Pittsburgh.

Seattle +7 at New England: Seattle's once punishing run game has completely disappeared, but they got another lucky, zebra-aided Monday Night win against the Bills last week, now they go against a Pats team that is winning by double digits every game with Tom Brady back under center.  New England's defense is second in the NFL in points allowed, but rank only 15th overall, telling me they've been a little lucky themselves on that side of the ball.  It won't hurt them here against a mediocre Seahawk offense, but could be their undoing in the Playoffs or Superbowl if they have to face a loaded O like Oakland or Atlanta.  New England.

NFL Week 9 Picks

4-2 vs the spread last week, 27-26 for the year. . .

Atlanta -3.5 at Tampa Bay: The Falcons are coming off a big crossroads win over Green Bay which should put them on the path to a Division title.  The Buccaneers did the impossible last week: lost a game in which their opponent was flagged 23 times for 200 yards.  The biggest problem for the Bucs is their QB isn't as good as they thought he was gonna be.  Some games he looks like an All-Pro, other games he looks like Case Keenum. . .in other words, he's a nigger version of Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Atlanta.      

Pittsburgh EVEN at Baltimore: This game used to be must-watch NFL, but the Ravens roster has deteriorated badly, and while the Steelers still have Super Bowl talent, their QB limps on and off the field almost as much as Reggie Bush did.  Supposedly old Big Ben is gonna give it a shot Sunday, but, really, the Steelers could win this game with Landry Jones. . .but, oh yeah, I forgot the Steelers are coached by nigger Mike Tomlin, who somehow always manages to find a way to get his team to play below their potential.  Pittsburgh. 

Detroit +7 at Minnesota: Man, what happens if the Vikings lose this game??  Mike Zimmer blew a gasket two weeks ago after Minny lost their first game to an Eagles team that blew apart their crummy O-Line, and then he must have shit in Norv Turner's mouth after the Bears punked them last week, because out of the blue the old journeyman coach Norv up and quits on Zimmer and the Vikings. . .quits right in the middle of a season that still could end in a Super Bowl run.  Zimmer has to be one A-1 prick to work for if a lifer coach like Norv quits when you're sitting 5-2.  Zimmer needs to take a realistic look at his offense: the O-Line is filled with scrap heap parts, Teddy Bridgewater (who wasn't Johnny Unitas, to begin with) and #28 are out for the year, the receivers are mediocre, and you had to get the cast-off faggot Samantha Bradford to girl-throw the ball.   What did Zimmer expect Norv Turner to do with that crap?  You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.  What Zimmer really should be worrying about is the way his defense got run over by the Bears rookie running back Jordan Howard.  The Vikings are gonna live and die on their defense, and if it's already cracking from the strain of having to carry the faggot Bradford, then that's where Zimmer needs to stick his nose, not in Norv Turner's face.  This is probably the best week for Dee-troit to play the Vikings, while they are in mini-turmoil.  I don't see the Lions being able to run the ball like the Bears did, but Matt Stafford only needs a couple scores for the Lions to beat the spread.  Vikings will win, but won't cover.  Detroit.

New Orleans -3 at San Francisco: The Saints have won three of their last four, and have crawled back into the NFC South race. Now they get to play the NFC's worst team, so they'll look like contenders for one more week.  After this game, expect the Saints to start losing again.  The 49ers are hopeless, only a great professional football coach could get this team, with its two shitty QBs (Blame Gabbert and Colin Halfernigger) to be even mediocre, and Chip Kelly ain't a great professional football coach. . .that must be obvious even to him, now, and I suspect he's planning his return to college (Texas? LSU? USC? Oregon Part II?) while he goes through the motions of what will probably be a 2-14 season.  The line on this game is a joke.  Bet the house on the Saints.  New Orleans.

Denver EVEN at Oakland: Just like the old days, the Raiders and Broncos battling it out for the AFC West Division.  The Raiders pulled off one of the most improbable wins in NFL history last week, overcoming the zebras who were trying to fix the game for Tampa while tossing 23 flags at them, AND they had to survive two late missed field goal attempts from their pollack kicker.  Derek Carr had one of the All-Time great games.  Flag after flag came raining down on him, but he just kept throwing darts, and ended up with a 500 yard/4 TD game.  Carr might be, he just might be the #2 QB in the League behind the Legend, Tom Brady.  Denver's defense is 10x better than the Raiders. . .but with their shitty offense, their defense would have to be 20x better for the Broncos to win. Carr is the difference.  Oakland.