NFL Week 17 Picks

2-2 vs the spread last week, 52-44-2 for the year. . .

New Orleans +7 at Atlanta: The Falcons would be nuts to play Julio Jones in this game.  They can kick the Saints ass and lock up the NFC #2 seed and a first round playoff bye without him.  I don't think they can beat Seattle and Dallas with Jones limping off the field every other play.  Two weeks rest for Jones is worth 6 points going into the likely divisional round playoff game with the Seahawks.  Atlanta. 

Oakland +1.5 at Denver: How did tough guy Raider HC Jack Del Rio react to starting QB Derek Carr's season-ending injury? In his postgame news conference, Del Rio's eyes were red and wet. No tears fell, but close.  Hey, coach, way to keep the team upbeat, and way to instill confidence in the back-up QB, some guy named Matt McGroin or something.  Hey, coach, you got a nice practice game here to get McGroin ready to lead your team to the Super Bowl.  Gee, don't sit there and cry and act like it's all over.  Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl.  Jake Delhomme almost beat Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the Patriots in a Super Bowl.  Tough guys don't cry.  Tough guys like the challenge of winning when everybody thinks they don't got a chance.  Quit pissing yourself, pull up your pants and get to work.  Even with McGroin, with the players you got left, you should still at least get to the AFC title game in New England.  Then you can piss yourself.  Oakland.

Green Bay -3.5 at Detroit: Ha ha ha ha!  The Lions are a home underdog!  Everybody expects them to complete their choke and blow the North Pole division and a playoff spot.  But Lavender Bay ain't that fucking good. . .their defense is spotty, and even though Aaron Rodgers has been playing very well the last half of the season, he's still a fucking faggot, a pussy faggot scared to come out of the closet.  Nigger Jim Caldwell's job should be on the line in this game.  It was no disgrace to lose at the Giants and Cowboys, but don't lose a title game at home in the last week. The Lions defense was clueless against the Cowboys, Scott Linehan dissected them perfectly. . .but Lions nigger DC Teryl Austin knows the Packers inside and out, and there won't be any surprises Sunday night.  But even more is on the line than Nigger Jim Caldwell's job status, this game is a Matthew Stafford litmus test.  How many more chances is he gonna get to prove he's anything more than an average QB?  Hey, Matty, time to win something, for crying out loud!  Take off those sissy-looking gloves and win a big game, for once!  Otherwise, go join that worthless nigger Calvin Johnson on some faggot TV game show.  Detroit. 

OH, YEAH. . .I hope the Redskins win their game Sunday, so the Lions-Packers game is a true win-or-else game.  If the Redskins lose, the Lions-Packers loser still backs into the playoffs as a Wild Card.  For Detroit and Matthew Stafford especially, they need to prove they can win a big game, straight-up. . .without any Wild Card pill to take the edge off their anxiety level. . .

NFL Week 16 Picks (Sloppy, Hurried Holiday Edition)

5-1 vs the spread last week, 50-42-2 for the year. . .

Minnesota +7 at Green Bay: The Vikings got rolled by one of the softest teams in the League, the Colts, last week. . .I can't imagine that sat too well with Mike Zimmer.  I expect a much better effort from Minnesota this week.  The Lavender Bay Fudge Packers are on a little hot streak, with their faggot QB Aaron Rodgers playing like an All-Pro again, and now Media has them pegged as a *dangerous* team. . .sorry, but their defense isn't good enough for them to be *dangerous.*  Minnesota.

Atlanta -2.5 at Carolina: After playing the Rams and 49ers, the Panthers are gonna seem like the '85 Bears to the Falcons.  It might take the Falcons until late into the second half to get over the shock of having to play a real professional football team.  Atlanta wins late.  Atlanta.

Baltimore +5 at Pittsburgh: This one is for the AFC North Division title.  Steelers have the better offense, the Ravens have the better defense and coach.  Baltimore.

Detroit +7 at Dallas: Lions will keep this one close all the way and beat the spread, and may lead late in the game, but no way the League lets Detroit win this over its #1 Glamour team and block its #2 Glamour team Lavender Bay from winning the NFC North.  The zebras will give the Cowboys some home cookin' late in the 4th quarter to allow Dallas to win.  Detroit.

NFL Week 15 Picks

4-2 vs the spread last week, 45-41-2 for the year. . .

Los Angeles +14 at Seattle: Somebody Goofed Big-Time in the Rams organization!  And the selection of Jared gOOf doomed Jeff Fisher.  Fisher apparently knew from the get-go gOOf sucked, as he sat him for Case Keenum, who himself is a goofball QB.  But the idiot fans and Media kept clamoring for gOOf, and the front office probably kept pressuring Fisher, also.  Fisher finally broke, and sat Keenum, whose borderline mediocrity could have gotten the Rams to 7-9 or 8-8 and kept Fisher employed.  Fisher must have crossed his fingers when he threw gOOf out there, for he had to know what the results would be: loss after loss after loss, with the last couple being embarrassing ass-kickings.  Last week #44 for Atlanta *sacked* gOOf with a pinky promise:

Never seen a QB go down so EZ, and I have to believe his teammates took note, as their level of effort seriously declined as they realized what a sissy QB they have for a *leader.*  Todd Gurley was upset about this on the sideline, but he'll learn. . .in college you can get away with a fag QB, there's a lot of rah-rah school spirit and shit to keep dumb kids motivated, but at the next level, when you're one play away from having mashed potatoes for brains, players ain't gonna *leave it all on the field* for a faggot QB who'll just end up costing them the game, anyway.  The next coach for the Rams better get a guarantee from management that he can move on from gOOf, and not have some impossible mandate to *fix* him, because gOOf looks to be the biggest coach-killer to hit the National Football League since Joey Harrington.  As for the Seahawks, they continue to play like an NFL bottom-feeder on the road, as they got crushed in Green Bay. . .but now they're back at home, and won't even need their usual helping of home-cookin' from the zebras to beat the Rams.  Seattle.   

Green Bay -6.5 at Chicago: What's gotten into Aaron Rodgers (butt)?  He's back to his Glory (Hole) Days the last three weeks.  Still, I'm not sold on the Fudge Packers winning out and saving their season.  Rodgers may be doing a little too much fudge packing himself, as he seems to have over-exerted his thighs and calves, he looks like he's about one scramble away from having to hit the bench.  Record-wise, the Bears are in the same league as the Rams, Jets and 49ers, but as with Jacksonville, they actually have a solid defense, and if they could just get a difference maker at QB, they could flip their 1-5 record in games decided by 7 points or less.  This will be a low-scoring cold weather game, and with the Bears getting a generous 6.5 points, it's an EZ pick:  Chicago.  

Detroit +4.5 at New York Giants: Poor Lions fans. . .just when it looked like Dee-troit had the North Pole division and a home playoff game locked up, Matthew Stafford gets his middle finger broken, and now the entire Mitten State is in a state of depression, envisioning Stafford throwing the ball like Derek *busted pinky* Carr did against the Chiefs, and the Lions losing their last 3 games and missing the playoffs.  The Giants are almost a mirror-image of the Lions.  Both teams are 9-4, with 8 wins by 7 points or less.  Neither team can run the ball, and both have underwhelming statistical defenses that somehow manage to hold most teams under 20 points.  The difference in this game?  No broken finger for Eli Manning.  New York.  

Indianapolis +4 at Minnesota: This is an Elimination Bowl, as the loser can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye.  Andrew Luck is the League's most over-rated QB, but he's still 10x better than the Vikings faggot Samantha Bradford.  But that's the Colts only edge.  Everything else favors the home team.  Minnesota.

San Francisco +13.5 at Atlanta: The 49ers somehow blew a 17-3 home lead against a Jets team that had already quit on the season, and now they gotta go to Atlanta to play a team battling for a Division title.  December football was supposed to be tough, but apparently the National Football League had an SEC guy do the Falcons schedule.  Last week they got to tee off on Jared gOOf, this week they get the clown quarterback Colin Halfernigger!  More highlight reel sacks for Atlanta's #44.  Atlanta.    

Tampa Bay +7 at Dallas: One loss and already there's a QB controversy on the Dallas horizon.  I think that's got to mess with the rookie nigger QB's head. . .one poor game and already Romo whispers are being heard. . .if Tampa can keep the Dallas rookie nigger running back from breaking the big runs, and keep the heat on the rookie nigger QB, I think the QB breaks.  UPSET SPECIAL.  Tampa Bay.  

NFL Week 14 Picks

2-4 vs the spread last week, 41-39-2 for the year. . .

Oakland +3.5 at Kansas City: Man, this was THE game when I was a kid. . .the Raiders with *The Mad Bomber,* Daryle Lamonica, vs the Chiefs with the thinking man's QB, Len Dawson.  Both teams had white running backs!   Marv Hubbard and Ed Podolak!  The Raiders were the outlaws with John Madden as their coach, while the Chiefs were technicians under the scholarly Hank Stram. . .but the Chiefs weren't sissies, like those faggy Don Shula Miami Dolphins!  No, sir!  They didn't take no shit from Oakland.  Curley Culp and Buck Buchanan would bust you in the chops.  No, those games were wars. . .real football, back when you could clothesline a guy, and rip the QB's head off!  Jack Del Rio is trying as much as he can to get back to tough football, but with these modern rules, it's really just a pale imitation of the good old days. . .but let's face it, this is about as good as the National Safety & Parity League gets, anymore, so we might as well try to enjoy it, while we fondly remember that better bygone era.  The Chiefs lucked out again last week and stole one from Atlanta with a fake punt and a pick six and a pick two, but they'll need more than luck to win this one.  Derek Carr could have easily played for John Madden, but Alex Smith couldn't even have been a water boy for Hank Stram.  Raiders all the way.  Oakland.   

Cincinnati -6 at Cleveland: Back to RGIII for the Browns.  4 is the over/under on how many series until he gets injured again, and Josh McClown has to trot back onto the field.  Ha ha ha.  This looked like the Browns last best chance for a win, until the Bengals suddenly woke up last week and pasted the Eagles, and gave themselves a small chance of still winning their division, since they have games left against the Steelers and Ravens.  I figure Cincy will play this one straight, and surely that old fox Marv Lewis will use the humiliation of losing to Cleveland as a motivating factor, as he did a couple years ago when the Browns threw the midget at him.  Cincinnati.   

Chicago +8 at Detroit: Almost 3 full years in as head coach of the Dee-troit Lions, we have to ask what seemed most assuredly *no* when he was first hired: is Jim Caldwell actually a good football coach?  The overwhelming majority of Lions fans have despised Caldwell, and had only the day he would be fired to look forward to.  But now it seems likely he will take the Lions to the playoffs for the second time in three years, and when one considers the Lions record of 356-481-17 (.427) since their last championship in 1957, his 26-18-0 (.591) record must, incredibly, be considered a *Golden Era* of Dee-troit football, alongside the 46-34-0 '91-'95 Wayne Fontes - Barry Sanders *run* of 3 Wild Card Game & 1 NFC Championship Game appearances.  So is Nigger Jim actually a good coach?  While he remains an undeniable game day disaster, almost always making the wrong strategic decision (including the moronic 4th and inches fourth quarter punt from the Cowboy 40 in the infamous *referees pick up the flag* Detroit-Dallas playoff game), one must concede the Lions have never quit on Nigger Jim, despite awful 1-7 and 1-3 starts the last two seasons, and the Lions always seem schematically prepared for their opponents.  And one must give credit to Nigger Jim for hiring Teryl Austin as his defensive coordinator, as Austin has managed to craft a serviceable defense with well below-average talent.  Credit to Caldwell also for promoting the regrettably-named Jim Bob Cooter to offensive coordinator after Matthew Stafford looked like he was settling comfortably into Jay Cutler mode. . .since that change the Lions are 14-6 and Stafford has played like a Pro Bowl QB.   So is Jim Caldwell actually a good coach?  Have we judged him unfairly because, frankly, he looks like a dumb old-time nigger?  Certainly if he were white, we wouldn't be asking this question, and there'd probably already be a statue of him out in front of Ford Field for giving Lions fans a small of handful of games to watch with more at stake than what high draft pick they'll botch. . .but Caldwell IS an old-time nigger, so, unfair as it is, he must do more to prove his worth. . .probably nothing short of a Super Bowl appearance would be convincing of his ability.  That's just the way it is.  As for this game, the Bears actually have a good defense, so we should have a return to the *Lions Win Late In A Squeaker* headline.  Chicago. 
  

Minnesota -3.5 at Jacksonville: Ol' Popeye Zimmer might tear out his one good eye after watching his Vikings blow this one. . .yup, the Vikes are a sinking ship, and I think even pathetic Jacksonville with the Charly-like Blake Bortles can eke out a win over the faggot Samantha *Dinker* Bradford, who never met a three yard pass that didn't make her wet.  I'll be shocked if either team scores a touchdown on offense.  And if ever a guy deserved a charity win from the football gods, it's the Jaguars hapless Gus Bradley, who has remained heroically cheerful through four god-awful years in the panhandle.  Jacksonville.

Atlanta -6 at Los Angeles: Dan Quinn must be feeling the heat, he didn't *give credit* to the Chiefs after the Falcons' Matt Ryan tossed away the game last week with an *oh fuck!* pick two.  Now suddenly tied for the Division lead with Tampa, Quinn knows no excuse in the book will cut it for a loss to the shitty Rams and their rookie QB Trish Goff.  There'd be no pressure if Quinn were facing New England or Seattle, a loss could be tolerated, but it is EXPECTED that the Falcons win this game, and hence comes the pressure, the fear of having to explain away the colossal failure of being beaten by a terrible team that has already given up on 2016, and now plays out the string with Goff as practice for 2017.  And the pressure of meeting expectations doesn't let up. . .because Quinn's got two even worse teams coming up the next two weeks: the 49ers and Panthers.  Just imagine the magnitude of the failure if the Falcons, sitting at 7-5 and with a gift three game stretch of Rams, 49ers, Panthers, somehow stumble out of the playoffs.  Unacceptable.  A fireable offense.  Somebody who ain't getting fired, apparently, is Jeff Fisher, whose litany of excuses is exhaustively detailed here. Atlanta.

Seattle -3 at Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers has played a little better the last couple weeks--maybe he has a new faggot to share his bed?  Still this isn't vintage Green Bay. . .and it ain't vintage Seattle, either.  These teams aren't the class of the NFC anymore, and while Seattle still looks like a threat, they showed in Tampa a couple weeks ago that outside of Seattle and without *home cookin'* from the zebras, they are very ordinary. . .in fact they're only 2-3-1 on the road, and with the NFC looking like it will run through Dallas, I wouldn't put any money on Seattle to make it to the Super Bowl.  Green Bay.