NFL Week 8 Picks

2-4 vs the spread last week, 23-24 for the year. . .

The Vikings were 5-0 going into the Eagles game. . .the Vikings were a very limited offense even at full strength with Teddy Bridgewater and #28. . .then they lost those guys and had to make a horrible desperation trade to get Samantha Bradford in a faggy gamble to save their season.  So, look, they go on the road at 5-0 with a mediocre faggot-led offense and play a decent team with an above average defense. . .not surprisingly, the Vikes take their first loss of the season. . .it ain't a shocker, by any means. . .they didn't give it away, they simply ran into an opponent with a DC (Jim Schwartz) who knew how to strip down Samantha Bradford and make her offense look like a rape victim.  After that kind of game, most coaches would say, hey, it's a tough league, nobody goes 16-0, we're disappointed we didn't play better, but we'll regroup and get back on track next week. . .that's what most coaches say because they're happy as shit to still be 5-1.  Not Mike Zimmer.  He cannot accept losing.  He refuses to accept that his offense can only be horse shit.  Zimmer was fuming after the Eagles pushed his offensive line around. . .he called his offensive line "soft" and a "sieve," and when asked if he considered removing fragile Samantha Bradford to protect her from the beating she was taking, Zimmer seemed offended and disgusted by the suggestion:

That's why, sooner or later, Zimmer will win a Super Bowl. . .he will not excuse non-performance, even from faggots.

Then there's Dan Quinn, whose Falcons blew a big lead and dropped a home game against the usually-choker Chargers. . .Quinn's in danger of seeing a second consecutive hot start to a season fizzle away to nothing. . .and yet he remained his usual seeming unconcerned self.  Quinn accepts defeat with the equanimity of a seasoned 12 Stepper, thoroughly indoctrinated into the program's founding prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: 

I don't know if Quinn's Alcoholics Anonymous approach will work. . .but this Sunday's game against Green Bay should be telling.  If he has to stand up there again Sunday and give credit to the Packers, like they're a Higher Power, with his Falcons dropping back to .500 after another hot start to the year, then it becomes reasonable to doubt Quinn's methods. . .

Jacksonville +3.5 at Tennessee: The end is near for Gus Bradley.  A team that was supposed to be on the rise is playing as shitty as it ever has (18-57 since they stupidly fired Jack Del Rio), and QB Blake Bortles has suffered a shocking regression, he's worse than Case Keenum, and almost at the abysmal Colin Halfernigger level.  This division game against a crappy team is Bradley's Last Stand, but Custer probably had better odds at Little Big Horn.  Tennessee.

Oakland +1.5 at Tampa Bay: Two high-scoring teams with shitty defenses. . .take the team with the good head coach and the quarterback who don't rape white women.  Oakland.

Seattle -2.5 at New Orleans: Seattle's offense looked like Rutgers against Michigan for most of the Sunday night game, but going up against New Orleans defense is like going up against Texas Tech's, even Seattle's shitty offense can score on the Saints.  Drew Brees is having another *great* (phantasy) year for a team that loses twice as many games as it wins.  Sean Payton may be on his way to becoming the next Jeff Fisher.  Seattle.

Detroit +2.5 at Houston: Brock Osweiler looks like a bust, yet another Bill O'Brien QB mistake. . .but the Texans do have a good run game, and, even without the Great White Hype JJ Watt, they still have an average defense, and that's enough to lead the lousy AFC South.  Matthew Stafford engineered a great game-winning drive against the Redskins last week that left Jay Gruden standing on the sideline with a stupid look on his dumb face.  Ol' Matty has almost single-handedly kept a terrible Lions team in the Wild Card picture, and, sadly for Dee-troit fans, also kept Nigger Jim Caldwell employed. . .but the Lions already porous defense lost another player to injury, Darius Slay, so now they line up against the Texans without their best corner, linebacker and tackle.  Even Defrock Osweiler should be able to put up enough points on the board to get a W.  Houston.  

Green Bay +2.5 at Atlanta: If I were a Falcons fan, I would be very disheartened if, after punking out against the Chargers, my team didn't come out angry and kick the shit out of a very beatable, very average, faggot quarterbacked Green Bay team.  If Atlanta comes out flat and lets homo Rodgers get on top of them, put them in a corn-hole, and drop them to their knees, I'd have to question Dan Quinn's leadership skills.  This may very well be the biggest regular season game Quinn ever coaches. . .this is a fork-in-the-road game. . .I'll give Quinn the benefit of the doubt this one last time.  Atlanta.

Philadelphia +4.5 at Dallas: A battle of half-wits between former failed Dee-troit Lions head coaches, as current defensive coordinators Psycho Jim Schwartz and Rod *My Shovel Is Sharp* Marinelli try to confuse the other team's rookie QB.  Schwartz has the tougher task, as not only is the Dallas rook, Dak Prescott, playing better than Philly's Carson Wentz, but the Cowboys power run game with rookie halfback Ezekiel Elliott is steamrolling every team in its path.  The Cowboys are just better, plain and simple.  Dallas.

NFL Week 7 Picks

4-2 vs the spread last week, 21-20 for the year. . .

Chicago +8.5 at Green Bay: Lovie Smith was 81-63 as HC of the Bears, won an NFC Championship with Rex Grossman (!?!?) as QB. . .and they fired him after a 10-6 season.  Naturally, the Bears haven't come close to that in the 4 years since.  His immediate successor, the faggot Marc Trestman, was an absolute disaster, turning the Monsters of the Midway into a battered wife of a defense. . .Trestman left such a gigantic mess, even the previously successful John Fox looks helpless to fix it.  The Bears are years away from being good.  Speaking of faggots, it seems everybody now openly wonders what has happened to Aaron Rodgers, who just a season ago was playing at All-Time Great levels.  Though *respectable* Sports Media won't discuss it, the only rational explanation for the diminished aaron rodgers must be that the years of living *in the faggot closet* have taken their toll, and he can no longer compartmentalize his homosexuality.  His hunger to be openly queer must now be leaking into his professional life, and his job performance has suffered.  In athletics, we haven't seen such a sudden non-injury or non-age related decline since the invincible Mike Tyson was shockingly knocked senseless by the flabby journeyman Buster Douglas.  Green Bay, with their sexually poisoned QB, is a house of cards waiting to topple.  UPSET SPECIAL:  Chicago.   

Minnesota -3 at Philadelphia: The Carson Wentz Wonder Boy routine is beginning to be exposed as the sham we believed it to be. . .and now Wonder Boy has got to go against the toughest defense in the National Football League.  The Vikings will smother Wentz and the Eagles.  Samantha Bradford, and don't buy the talk that she has finally *blossomed,* she's still a shitty QB, gets the last laugh against her former team, but only because she gets to ride on the Purple People Eater's back.  Minnesota.  

Washington +1 at Detroit: Even more surprising than the Redskins 4-2 record, because 3 of their wins are over garbage teams, is the Lions 3-3 record.  The Lions defense is an injury-riddled mess, they couldn't even stop Case Keenum, yet they've won their last two games because Matthew Stafford has played like a #1 Over-All Draft Pick. . .will he maintain that level of play?  Probably not. . .old Matty is a game QB for sure, but he just can't seem to consistently perform at a high level.  And, oh yeah, the Lions don't miss Calvin *MegaHype* Johnson AT ALL.  They got plenty of other guys who can fumble away the game in the last minute.  Jay Gruden and Kirk Cousins are the definition of *Smoke and Mirrors*. . .the Redskins are a mediocre team from a mediocre division, and they may stumble into the playoffs again, but they don't have a chance of being a real winner.  The Law of Averages in this Pretenders Bowl favors the Redskins, simply because Stafford is due for one of his patented multi-INT games.  Washington.  

Tampa Bay EVEN at San Francisco: Two offensive *geniuses,* Dirk Koetter and Chip Kelly, match *wits* in this Salad Bowl of football lightweights.  Chip Kelly tried the fool's paradise of changing QBs last week, and got his ass handed to him by Rex Ryan, as Colin Halfernigger played so bad, everybody now wants him to keep kneeling for the National Anthem.  Dirk Koetter hasn't improved Jameis Winston.  In fact, the raper of white women played better last year under Lovie Smith.  But Chip Kelly's a basket case headed for an ugly exit out of the League, and even the raggedy-assed Buccaneers, who are surprisingly the only team this year to really take advantage of Atlanta's spotty defense, are an EZ pick in this one.  Tampa Bay.

San Diego +6 at Atlanta: The Chargers only half-imploded in the last two minutes against the Broncos last week, and actually managed to hang on and beat the quarterback-challenged Super Bowl champs.  Mike McCoy was just so gosh-darned proud of his boys, he actually believes they've turned the proverbial corner.  No.  The Falcons were robbed of a Denver-Seattle Road Double by the zebras, who looked the other way on an obvious pass interference against Julio Jones that would have sent Atlanta on its way to a game-winning field goal.  But that zebra-tainted loss hasn't stopped the Matt Ryan-for-MVP chatter.  The veteran QB, who in previous seasons looked to be cut from the same cloth as Matthew Stafford and Jay Cutler, is playing at a 5500 yd, 40 td, 8 int Monster Season pace.  Can he keep it up?  And even the Falcons leaky defense looks to be improving over the last two weeks.  At this point, only the Minnesota Vikings can be said to be clearly better in the NFC.  Atlanta.

New England -7 at Pittsburgh: The negro head coached Steelers did it again: took the week off against a shitty opponent, and suffered an embarrassing upset defeat against the woeful Miami Dolphins. . .and to make matters worse, their broken-down QB Ben Roethlisberger suffered yet another injury, and is now sidelined once again.  Something tells me negro Mike Tomlin won't do quite as well as Bill Belichick did without his QB.  New England.

NFL Week 6 Picks

1-4 vs the spread last week, 17-18 for the year. . .

Here's a ranking of all NFL Head Coaches, from best to worst:

1. Bill Belichick, Patriots	No brainer
2. Mike Zimmer, Vikings	Once he wins SB, will move to #1
3. Pete Carroll, Seahawks	Best defensive coach of All-Time?
4. John Harbaugh, Ravens	4th best coach in League, 3rd best coach in his family
5. Mike McCarthy, Packers	Won a ton of games with a faggot QB
6. Sean Payton, Saints	Dropping rapidly
7. Ron Rivera, Panthers	Wins a lot of games with shitty players
8. Bruce Arians, Cardinals	Would win a SB if he could find a QB who can stand up for a full season
9. Andy Reid, Chiefs	18 years in the Parity League, and only 3 crummy seasons
10. Gary Kubiak, Broncos	Nervous Nellie, somehow won a SB, withiout it, he'd be in bottom third
11. Marvin Harrison, Bengals	Best coach never to win a Big Game
12. Jack Del Rio, Raiders	Unlike the vast majority of his peers, he is not afraid to coach to win
13. Mike Tomlin, Steelers	Worst coach ever to win a Super Bowl, has best players in League last 3 years
14. John Fox, Bears	Sliding rapidly as he fails in Windy City
15. Jason Garrett, Cowboys	Does he have the guts to tell Romo to take a seat on the bench?
16. Bill O'Brien, Texans	Good coach, horrible judge of QBs
17. Dan Quinn, Falcons	If his feam doesn't fade like it did last year, will shoot up quickly
18. Jeff Fisher, Rams	Stale, always manages to beat the Seahawks, though
19. Rex Ryan, Bills	Entertaining blowhard, not smart enough to ever win Big
20. Todd Bowles, Jets	Dull negro coach
21. Doug Pederson, Eagles	Early sample size could be deceiving
22. Chuck Pagano, Colts	His teams are soft
23. Dirk Koetter, Buccaneers	Will live or die on rapist Jameis Winston
24. Jay Gruden, Redskins	Luckiest coach in the League
25. Mike Mularkey, Titans	Nondescript coach, gotta stick him somewhere. . .
26. Chip Kelly, 49ers	Won't win again until he goes back to college
27. Ben McAdoo, Giants	He ain't no Tom Coughlin, nobody will even remember him in 3 years
28. Hue Jackson, Browns	With that roster, impossible to tell if he is good or bad
29. Jim Caldwell, Lions	Great coach Mon through Saturday, horrible on Sunday
30. Mike McCoy, Chargers	Great 58 minute coach
31. Gus Bradley, Jaguars	His roster gets better and better, but he never wins more games
32. Adam Gase, Miami	Made a mediocre QB worse

San Francisco +7 at Buffalo: Was it just 3 1/2 years ago Chip Kelly was the *genius* who was going to revolutionize the National Football League? With his HyperSonic No-Huddle Offense and his *quirky* player personnel moves?  How did that turn out?  Epic fail.  Run out of Philadelphia after his offense fizzled and his defensive players quit on him, he landed in San Francisco, where it should have been easy to look like an improvement over the inept Jim Tomsula. . .but at 1-4, with four straight blow-out losses, the 49ers seem even worse.  Now *genius* Kelly makes the dumb move all desperate coaches make when they can't figure out how to win: change the quarterback.  Blaine Gabbert ought to change his name to Blame Gabbert after being thrown under the bus by Kelly, who now stupidly turns to the failed Colin Kaepernick.  Does Kelly really think Kaepernick will suddenly turn back into a Super Bowler, like some frog QB kissed by Jim Harbaugh?  No. Kelly knows Kaepernick sucks, that's why he went with Blame Gabbert in the first place. . .but like all desperate losing coaches who play QB roulette, he now pins his hopes on being stupid: maybe I was wrong, maybe QB2 really is better than QB1, and I was just too retarded to see it!  So here's the fate of the *genius* Kelly: all his hopes lay in him really being a moron.  As for Kaepernick, with his National Anthem antics, he makes a fine sideshow, and has become something of a football anti-hero. . .but he risks tarnishing his BLM cred by going 15 for 30 with 2 INTs. . .throw a pick six, lose the game, and those Kaepernick jerseys will look like clown costumes instead of rebel fashion wear.  Man, I mean, just look at the 49ers!  Has there ever been an NFL Head Coach/Quarterback combo that featured two bigger oddballs?  For Buffalo, Rex Ryan started the year looking like a buffoon with a one way ticket out of the League, but somehow he and his slob DC brother have put together a 3 game winning streak.  The Ryan brothers should enjoy this success while they can, for their luck will probably run out as soon as the 49ers leave town.  Buffalo.         

Baltimore +3 at New York Giants: When the Ravens were 3-0 I said in this venerable football blog they were the worst 3-0 team in the history of the NFL. . .and they've went out the last two weeks and proved it, losing to the Raiders and Redskins.  Hell, even John Harbaugh knew the Ravens were a pile of horseshit when they were 3-0. . .he didn't just out of the blue fire faggot and former *genius* OC Marc Trestman. . .he knew his offense was garbage all season, but it took a couple losses to get him to pull the trigger.  Will new OC Marty Mornhinweg do any better?  Even though *Take The Wind In OT* Marty was one of the NFL's worst head coaches ever, 5-27 in two seasons with Detroit, he has a decent track record as a coordinator with the 49ers and Eagles, and somehow managed to get an offense for Rex Ryan in 2013 to go 8-8 with Geno Smith at QB. . .Hell, he can't be worse than that pussy Trestman.  The Giants are 2-3, but probably really ought to be 0-5. . .they got the Cowboys in Week 1, before Dallas' negro wonder rookies got it into gear, and squeaked out a home win over the crappy Saints in Week 2.  The bumbling Chargers could easily beat the shit out of both of these teams.  Ravens win and become the worst 4-2 team in the history of the League.  Baltimore.

Los Angeles +3.5 at Detroit: Two very flawed teams, with the Rams horrible offense matching up against the Lions crippled defense.  Dee-troit actually angered their own fans by upsetting unbeaten Philadelphia last week. . .longtime Lions fans were hoping an embarrassing home loss to the Eagles would push Nigger Jim Caldwell out the door, but now it seems they'll have to suffer his uninspiring presence for the rest of the season.  Caldwell probably knew he was just minutes from being shit-canned, as he abandoned his normally catatonic sideline demeanor to visibly celebrate as the Lions recovered a gift-of-an-Eagles-Chargers-like-fumble that led to their winning field goal.  While Caldwell jumped for joy, Lions fans slumped in despair as the home team's next draft pick in its 59 year rebuilding project slid further down the first round.  Los Angeles.

Pittsburgh -7 at Miami: No rookie head coach has done a worse job than Adam Gase, who was supposed to be an offensive *genius*, even though his previous teams' offenses (Denver and Chicago) never looked earth-shattering  Unbelievably, the Dolphins actually suck more under Gase than they did under goofy-looking Joe Philbin.  Gase was supposed to be a quarterback *guru,* but Ryan Tannehill has never played worse, and the defense is still shitty. . .and I have a feeling Donkeykong Suh is about to snap. . .Ben Roethlisberger may need eyes in the back of his head for this game.  Anyway, even though the Steelers under negro head coach Mike Tomlin have a penchant for not showing up against crappy teams, they can still win this game with even the most minimal effort and attention to detail.  Pittsburgh. 

Atlanta +6 at Seattle: Can the Falcons actually beat the Broncos and Seahawks back-to-back on the road?  Win in the toughest stadiums in the League?  Yes. Just like the Broncos didn't have an offense to challenge the Falcons weak defense, same with the Seahawks, which means even though the Falcons offense will be slowed a little by the opponent's quality defense, they can still outscore their mediocre counterparts.  Dan Quinn beats his old boss.  Atlanta.

Dallas +4 at Green Bay: Even though the Packers are 3-1, Aaron Rodgers is still playing like a lovesick faggot. . .and the Packers are just an average team.  This game will prove it, as the Cowboys with their negro wonder rookies Prescott and Elliott roll over the Fudge Packers.  Dallas.

NFL Week 5 Picks

5-2 vs the spread last week, 16-14 for the year. . .

The most noteworthy game of the week was San Diego's epic collapse against the old and shitty New Orleans Saints.  With the ball and leading by 13 points with just six minutes to go, Charger 1st round draft flop Melvin Gordon fumbled the ball away on the 13 yard line. The Saints scored an EZ TD, kicked off, and on the Chargers first play from scrimmage, Philip Rivers completed a dink pass to Travis Benjamin, who promptly fumbled it back to the Saints.  The Saints had another short and EZ TD drive to take a one point lead. Still, the Chargers had 1:57 left on the clock to move the ball into FG position and save themselves from a disastrous loss.  Yet on their last possession of the game, Rivers somehow managed to get sacked twice by New Orleans' crappy defense, throw one incomplete pass, and then a miserable fourth down INT.  The only way the feeble Saints can win a football game is if the other team throws it to them, and that's what the Chargers did.  One of the most pathetic giveaways in the history of the National Football League, featuring an almost impossibly incompetent final 6 offensive plays stretched over three *drives.*  Goody Two Shoes Rivers looked like he was about to cry after the game:

He found out what he and his teammates were about, all right: too soft.  Better was the red-assed reaction of giraffe-necked Charger Head Coach Mike McCoy:

There's a guy who realizes his spineless players have, in all probability, cost him his job.  The Chargers are 1-3 and play the Raiders, Falcons and the Broncos (twice) in the next four weeks.  1-7, here come the Chargers!

On the opposite end of the Toughness spectrum are Mike Zimmer's Minnesota Vikings, who lose their starting QB and #28, and still win. . .they've been even more impressive than the Brady-less Patriots.  No team in the National Football League plays harder for longer and is more consistently disciplined.  Once Zimmer wins a Super Bowl, he becomes the Greatest Professional Football Coach of All-Time. 
    

Philadelphia -3 at Detroit: The last time ex-Lion head coach Psycho Jim Schwartz came back to the Motor City as an opposing defensive coordinator, his Buffalo Bills smothered Matthew Stafford and the rest of an undefeated Detroit squad, and the victorious-but-bitter Schwartz nagged a couple of his linebackers to carry him off Ford Field.  Now the Lions are 1-3, coming off a pathetic and ugly 17-14 loss to the horseshit Bears. . .and not even the terminally resentful Schwartz would celebrate a win over this football doormat.  The boos and Fire Caldwell chants should be at historic levels as the Lions get steam-rolled by the Eagles.  Philadelphia.     

Atlanta +6 at Denver: The Falcons defense is still awful, but their offense has been so exponentially better than anybody else's, it don't matter, they just out-score you.  The question is: when will Matt Ryan crack?  I can't believe Kyle Shanahan suddenly found the switch to turn Ryan into an MVP caliber player.  The Broncos will be the first legit defense Ryan faces this year. . .if Ryan lights them up, then we must seriously consider the Falcons a Super Bowl threat. . .if Ryan looks like the old Ryan, tossing weak red zone INTs, etc., then the Falcons are likely headed for a Wild Card scramble.  I'm not ready to buy stock in MVP Ryan.  Denver.    

Cincinnati -1 at Dallas: Are the Cowboys a *surprise* 3-1? Considering they got a rookie QB and they were so awful in 2015 without Tony Romo?  Not really.  Dak Prescott is certainly a better fill-in than the trash they used last year, but the three teams they've beat are NFL bottom feeders.  Cincinnati is the better team, all across the board, and only giving 1 point makes them as close to a sure bet as there is this week.  Cincinnati. 

Buffalo +2.5 at Los Angeles: After Week 1, I woulda bet both these teams' coaches would be lame ducks by now. . .but somehow they both enter the game on winning streaks.  The Rams are the bigger shocker. . .teams are stacking the box against Todd Gurley, just like we figured they would, because they have no QB, and Gurley has nowhere to run (he's averaging an embarrassing 2.6 yards per carry). . .but somehow the Rams have won 3 in a row on the shitty right arm of Case Keenum. . .and it's not because their defense is that good. . .in fact, their defense has actually been a bit of a disappointment (ranked 23rd in the League in Total Defense). . .I can only conclude the Rams are on a 3 game fluke.  Rex Ryan is crowing like the fat old Rex Ryan after being the only coach to figure out how to beat the Brady-less Patriots.  The Bills are the better team. . .on paper, at least.  And they are getting points against a team whose luck should be about to run out.   But my gut tells me the football gods are upset with Ryan for running his trap about beating the Pats. . .watch the Bills run defense fail to show up, and Gurley finally busts loose.  The Rams fluke continues for one more week.  Los Angeles.   

BONUS COLLEGE PICK

Florida State +3 at Miami: Georgia fired Mark Richt because, with their talent, they should have won the SEC East the last three years, yet somehow didn't.  Their new coach, Kirby Smart, is already just about out of the East race, after only 5 games.  And he didn't have some rebuilding job to do.  He inherited a stacked roster, and a 5 Star Stud QB recruit. He should win big right away, and yet there Georgia sits, 3-2, looking up at Tennessee and Florida.  Mark Richt completely mishandled the QB situation at Georgia last year. . .but he still ended up 9-3, and considering his over-all success there, and his recruiting ability, the fair thing would have been to let him have at least one year with Eason.  Instead they tossed him aside for one of Nick Saban's caddies.  So here now is Richt sitting at 4-0, while Kirby Smart is 3-2. . .last laugh for Richt?  I don't think so.  Richt doesn't have to play Clemson or Louisville, but he'll still end up losing 3 or 4 games, and this is one of them.  Miami's kicked four tomato cans this year, and even though this isn't a vintage Florida State team, they're still a level ahead of Miami.  Richt takes his first loss.  In the end, I doubt either Georgia or Richt will get a last laugh, they'll both probably have to learn to live 9-3 lives without each other.  Florida State.