Henry L. Racicot's 33rd Annual NFL Season Preview

Please tell me deflategate is over, and we can actually talk about football, instead of some bizarre Roger Goodell witch hunt.  I have zero patience for what I consider to be a complete NON-ISSUE (a couple psi's and the Colts would have kicked New England's ass, instead of the other way around?  Sorry.  NO WAY).  What I don't get, and I haven't read any of the stories, so maybe the answer is already out there, is why Goodell wanted to keep this pseudo-scandal going, when the League already has sackfuls of genuine dirty laundry to deal with?  Is he just over-compensating for his complete mishandling (and resultant shredding of his image) of the Ray Rice/domestic violence stuff?  Or he is just a moron?  Anway, let's talk some real football, and we might as well start with:

The New England Patriots and the AFC East.  If any of the AFC East teams had an above average QB, I'd pick them to dethrone the Pats.  The Pats lost Revis and Wilfork, and their already under-whelming nickel-and-dime offense loses Brady for 4 games.  They're going to struggle to go 9-7.  But can any of their division rivals hit 9-7 either?  All three should have MONSTER defenses, but those QBs!  Miami's Ryan Tannehill is the best of the bunch, but he's more an Alex Smith than an Aaron Rodgers. Still, I'll pick the Dolphins to win the East. They have far fewer questions than the other teams, and added the best tackle in the game, Donkeykong Suh, to an already pretty good defense.  On paper, the Jets have the best defensive talent in the entire NFL, and a pretty good power running game, but they got some locker-room troubles that even Rex Ryan couldn't handle, and now they got a rookie negro coach, Todd Bowles.  The Jets could be anywhere from a 5-11 to an 11-5 team, and my guess is they win closer to 5 than 11.  Rex Ryan takes over in Buffalo, and I'd pick them, but, c'mon, Matt Cassel?  They still got nobody to get the ball downfield to Sammy Watkins.  

1. Miami  2. New England  3. Buffalo  4. NY Jets 

AFC North:  The Pittsburgh Steelers have the best offensive talent in the League.  They have it all: elite QB in Big Ben, dominant running back in Le'Veon Bell, a triple threat of dangerous receivers led by Antonio Brown. . .even with a mediocre defense, they should be a Super Bowl threat.  BUT, they got negro wonder boy coach Mike Tomlin who don't always have the Steelers ready to play (they lost at home to Tampa last year, remember?) and who sacked long-time genius defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau in favor of the younger linebacker coach Keith Butler.  The defense was middle-of-the-pack last year with LeBeau, maybe Tomlin thought the old man was past his prime.  We'll see if the gamble pays off.  In any event, the Steelers got too much firepower on offense to not at least snag a wild card spot.  Baltimore and Cincinnati have superior defenses to Pittsburgh, and decent-enough offenses to challenge the Steelers for the Division title.  I give an edge to the Ravens over the Bengals because of QB Joe Flacco.  Andy Dalton had another playoff flop last year, and his play was already declining in the regular season, so he could have a total meltdown this year.  The Bengals got a terrific run game with Jeremy Hill, and receivers almost as good as the Steelers.  But poor Marvin Lewis (the Greatest Negro Football Coach of All-Time), he's stuck with Andy Dalton. . .no chance to win the Big One.  The Ravens look pretty solid, but Steve Smith might have had his last hurrah last season, and is Justin Forsett, a former scrap-heap running back, really as good as he seemed last year?  But they still got Suggs and Dumervil on that defense, and with Joe *Big Game* Flacco under center, they should be better than the Bengals.  As for the Cleveland Browns. . .ha ha ha!  They got the midget at QB, and he might be better than their alternative, Josh *Crybaby* McClown!  No team in the NFL has two worse QBs.  And they signed Dwayne *The Snail* Bowe to fill in for the (once again) suspended Josh Gordon??  Despite what should be a pretty good defense, the Browns have no chance of escaping the North cellar.
1. Pittsburgh  2. Baltimore (Wild Card)  3. Cincinnati  100. Cleveland   

AFC South: Will reclaim from the NFC South the dishonor of being the NFL's worst division.  Indianapolis wins again.  Houston should have the AFC's best defense this side of the AFC East. . .BUT they got two QBs who are only marginally better than the Browns' QBs. . .they got Browns cast-off Brian Hoyer and Ryan *Million Dollar Arm/Ten Cent Brain* Mallet.  And, what a surprise, Arian Foster is hurt again.  Will still be in the wild card hunt for most of the year because of their defense and 4 guaranteed wins against Jacksonville and Tennessee.  The Jaguars got no luck, as #1 pick Dante Fowler is already out for year.  Might be the worst defense in the NFL.  And their offense, with turnover machine Blake Bortles at QB, stinks, too, though they do have a decent collection of receivers.  Tennessee is even worse, because their coach, Ken Whisencunt, sucks.  The players quit on him at the end of last season, dropping their final ten games. Marcus Mariota is supposed to make it all better?  Sorry.  Whisencunt's only ever done well when he had an ALREADY good veteran QB to work with (Kurt Warner, Phillip Rivers), otherwise, he's a QB's worst nightmare.  Mariota will be either injured or benched by Week 8. 
1. Indianapolis  2. Houston  101. Jacksonville  102. Tennessee   

AFC West:  John Elway made a huge mistake firing John Fox and replacing him with his buddy Gary Kubiak.  Kubiak is a nervous wreck of a coach, and his teams play that way.  And with Peyton Manning looking like he's on a physical decline, the Denver Broncos could take a fall.  Fox' departure will probably be most evident on defense.  The Broncos finished #3 in Total Defense last year, and even though new coordinator Wade Phillips has had a lot of success, his efforts will be undermined by the *Kubiak effect.*  At best, the Broncos total fall is delayed one more year, and they snag a Wild Card this year.  Kansas City should win the division, assuming Alex Smith and Jamal Charles remain upright for most of the year.  The Chiefs added Jeremy Maclin to give their pass offense a boost, and have their sack-happy defense back intact.  The Oakland Raiders will be the AFC's most improved team.  They finally got a real head coach with Jack Del Rio, and he's got an up-and-coming QB, Derek Carr, to work with.  The Raiders need rookie WR Amari Cooper to be their Odell Beckham, as their other receivers are mediocre. The Raiders added Cardinals DT Dan Williams to shore up their run defense.  This ain't the toughest division in football, and with a little luck, Del Rio could have the Raiders in the Wild Card chase.  San Diego ran out of gas at the end of last season, losing 3 of their final 4, and blowing a playoff spot.  They drafted Wisconsin running back Melvin Gordon to juice their ground attack, but Wisconsin running backs are NFL flops.  The Chargers run defense was horrible last year, and they did nothing to improve it.  This has the look of a team that's seen its best day.
1. Kansas City  2. Denver (Wild Card)  3. Oakland  4. San Diego

Despite Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh wins the AFC.  Too much offense.  

NFC East: Got to pick Dallas to win it.  Sure, they lost Demarco Murray, but who the Hell thinks he can repeat what he did last year? And, sure, their defense is still a smoke-and-mirrors outfit.  But they got that killer all-pro offensive line, Hell, a Wisconsin running back could get 1500 yards behind them, and they got Romo and Bryant, so the Cowboys look like 10 wins, EZ.  The Philadelphia Eagles?  Who the Hell understands all the moves Chip Kelly made?  The most puzzling, and the biggest gamble, is Samantha Bradford at QB.  That's likely the make-or-break for Kelly, and given Samantha Bradley's fragile knees, it looks like a break.  And you have to wonder what the veteran Eagle players think of Kelly. . .after dumping about half the roster in his first two years, he don't seem like the most loyal guy. . .in fact, he seems like the kind of coach the players will quit on, if things go sour early.  If Kelly knows more about Bradford than everybody else, the Eagles could win the division. . .more likely, they'll finish 3rd.  The New York Giants should have a pretty explosive offense.  They got All-World WR Odell Beckham back for his second year, and former big play guy Victor Cruz returns from injury, so Eli Manning should be able to throw it all over the field.  The running backs still look mediocre, though.  And old geezer head coach Tom Coughlin will need his old DC coordinator Steve Spagnuolo to work a miracle with the Giants shitty defense if he wants to make one last playoff run.  The Washington Redskins suck.  Jay Gruden looked like a sitcom head coach last year, with his goofy post-game press conferences. Amazingly, Gruden thought it was a good idea to bring in Joe Barry to try to fix the Redskins' mediocre defense.  Ha ha. Barry is the worst defensive coordinator in NFL history, he got his only other DC gig by marrying Rod Marinelli's daughter, and promptly fielded the #32 ranked defense on the infamous 2008 0-16 Detroit Lions team.  Huh?  And, oh, yeah, Gruden somehow figures everybody will forget how he threw RGIII under the bus last year, because he couldn't find anybody better for this year.  Hopeless.

1. Dallas  2. New York Giants (Wild Card)  3. Philadelphia  100. Washington

NFC North: Green Bay all the way.  No more Suh to worry about, the Packers are a lock.  They got almost as loaded an offense as Pittsburgh, and, unlike the Steelers, they have a pretty solid defense.  They choked away a Super Bowl appearance with their late-game collapse in Seattle last year.  It's Super Bowl or bust for the Pack this year.  The Vikings should surpass the Suh-less Lions for 2nd in the division.  They got #28 back, and he will make Teddy Bridgewater's job much, much easier.  Mike Zimmer is putting together the pieces of a monster defense in Minnesota.  This year, they challenge for a Wild Card.  Next year, they challenge the Packers.  The Detroit Lions lose Suh, and that means pressure falls on Matthew Stafford to put some more points on the board, the Lion defense simply won't be as good.  Stafford's a real head-scratcher.  He can make all the throws. . .but not all the time.  Will he ever be anything other than a streaky gunslinger?  Calvin Johnson is wearing down, and can't be counted on to play a full season anymore.  Golden Tate was the Free Agent of the Year last year, and should have another big season.  The Lions hope to boost their perennially-shitty-since-Barry-Sanders-retired run game with Nebraska RB Ameer Abdullah. . he'll probably follow in the busted footsteps of Jahvid Best, Mikel Leshoure and Reggie Bush. . .meaning more work for plow horse Joique Bell.  No Suh, so the Lions won't have the #2 Total Defense, but it still should be good enough that the Lions fans will want wins, and if they don't get them, they'll try to boo Stafford out of town.  The Chicago Bears still have the pieces for a decent offense, and they got John Fox, a hetero head coach, to replace the faggot Marc Trestman, so the defense won't quit this year.  Fox has a history of winning with oddball QBs, so he could be just what Jay Cutler ordered. . .and if Fox can throw a few quick patches on the defense, the Bears are a dark horse Wild Card pick.

1. Green Bay  2. Minnesota  3. Detroit  4. Chicago

NFC South: Like last year, anybody but Tampa can win the division.  Lovie Smith is putting all his eggs in the Jameis Winston basket.  Good luck with that, Lovie.  I like Atlanta to win, because they got a coach, Dan Quinn, who can fix their shaky defense, and who will restore the power run game, which makes Matt Ryan a serviceable QB.  Carolina's a tough, gutty squad that plays the whole 16 weeks, but they don't have much on offense that Cam Newton can use, and every year their defense loses a couple pieces.  The Saints defense is horrible, and Drew Brees is another year older, and he don't have his security blanket, Jimmy Graham. 

1. Atlanta  2. Carolina  3. New Orleans  4. Tampa Bay 

NFC West: Seattle.  Best defense in football.  By far.  Power run game.  No Percy Harvin to goad Marshawn Lynch into doing something stupid.  How can they not make at least the NFC Title Game?    It's shit-or-get-off-the-pot time for Jeff Fisher in St. Louis.  He's got the defense.  He's got the running back, first round pick Todd Gurley, he's no longer got Samantha Bradley.  Got to get a Wild Card this year, even though Bradley's replacement, Nick Foles, is just a journeyman.  Arizona gets Carson Palmer back, but loses DC coordinator Todd Bowles, he worked wonders with a mediocre collection of players (#24 Total Defense, but #5 in Scoring Defense). The Cardinals will score more with Palmer back, but will give up a lot more points this year. Everybody knows about Jim Harbaugh and San Francisco, and like everybody, I predict they hit rock bottom.  Colin Halfernigger was already coming unglued with Harbaugh, now without him?  The defense is now run by vagabond coach Eric Mangini!  And just lost Aldon Smith (released, DUI).  Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. . .

1. Seattle  2. St. Louis (Wild Card)  3. Arizona  4. San Francisco  

Green Bay over Seattle, then Green Bay over Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl.     

Best Chance For A *Marinelli*: Tennessee, even though they have an easier schedule (2 games against Jax) than Washington (1 game against Tampa).  Ken Whisencunt with a rookie QB coaching a team of players who hate his guts?  Smells like a pile of shit.  If the Titans lose their first game of the year, the Draft Flop Bowl (Mariota vs Winston) against Tampa, the countdown to 0-16 is on.

Flop Rookie QB of the Year: I can't remember a previous draft that had two worse #1 and #2 picks.  Can't stand Winston, but he likely will last a little longer than Mariota.  It could take a season or two before the Law catches up with a white girl's most bestial fantasy, Famous Jameis.  Mariota is a faggot QB, who will be hurt (either physically or mentally) half-way through the season.

First Coach Fired: Mike Pettine.  Dead Coach Walking.  He fucked himself over by shitting on Brian Hoyer with the midget last year.  Everything fell apart after that gutless backstabbing.  He would have been fired if the Brownies hadn't already just had a one-year loser, Rob Chumpzinski or whatever.  Pettine has no chance to win this year with his circus act collection of QBs.  Not fit to be a *leader of men,* anyway.  Fucking front-running goofball.

Throwback Sideline Look of the Year: Remember when Jacksonville actually had a decent football team? They had a tough guy for a head coach who wore a fucking leather jacket on the sidelines. Jack Del Rio. He needs to bring the leather jacket with him to Oakland, it would be a perfect match for the silver and black outlaw tradition.