NFL Season Preview

Last season had a very satisfying end. . .Peyton Manning and his Broncos suffering the kind of savage beating we usually associate with elevators, Ray Rice and women.

After hearing all year how Peyton Manning was Jesus-in-an-orange-jersey, he showed up for the only game that mattered looking like Joel Osteen-in-an-orange-jersey.

Joe Montana never got beat like that.  Hell, even in his last game, when he was a broken-down shell of himself with the Chiefs, Montana still managed to keep his team in the game, losing to Dan Marino's Dolphins 27 - 17.

None of the great QBs ever got beat in the playoffs the way Manning did against the Seahawks.  Manning's been a great regular season QB his whole career. . .but an average playoff QB.  The cold hard truth: Peyton Manning is not one of the ten or even twenty greatest QBs of all time, let alone the Football God the Media annointed him last year, as he was piling up all his gaudy passing stats.   All those yards and td passes Manning racked up?  It just means he was still chucking the ball in the fourth quarter when the games were already over.  

I suppose Drew Brees will be the next Peyton Manning, all the meaningless yards and td passes records, but with a .500 playoff record.  

Hell, let's look it up.  Peyton Manning is 11-12 in the playoffs. . .not even .500.  Brees is 6-5.  I guess Brees is the Greatest QB Who Ever Lived!

Here are the twelve QBs who have started at least ten playoff games with the highest post-season winning percentage:

Bart Starr:  9 - 1 in the playoffs.

Jim Plunkett:  8 - 2 in the playoffs.

Terry Bradshaw: 14 - 5 in the playoffs.

Troy Aikman:  11- 4 in the playoffs.

Eli Manning: 8 - 3 in the playoffs.

Ben Roethlisberger: 10 - 4 in the playoffs.

Joe Montana: 16 - 7 in the playoffs.

Tom Brady:  18 - 8 in the playoffs.

Kurt Warner:  9 - 4 in the playoffs.

Joe Flacco:  9 - 4 in the playoffs.

John Elway:  14 - 7 in the playoffs.

Roger Staubach:  11 - 6 in the playoffs.

I'm not saying these are the 12 Greatest QBs of All-Time. . .but I am saying they are all BETTER than Her Royal Highness, Peyton Manning. 

That's right, Joe Flacco is better than Peyton Manning.  I know I'm probably the only one who believes that.  But the fact is, Flacco, as a huge underdog in a playoff game, beat Manning on Manning's home field.  Oh, but Flacco doesn't throw for 400 yards and 4 tds every time he plays the Cleveland Browns!  That's right, in Fantasy football, Peyton Manning is the King.  In Fantasy football.  In real football, Joe Flacco is better.

So that's a dozen who were significantly better than Manning in money games, and I'm only counting the QBs who played in at least 10 money games.  Johnny Unitas, who certainly was a better QB, was 6 - 2 in the playoffs.  Bobby Layne, who certainly was a better QB, was 3 - 1 in the playoffs.

Here are Peyton Manning's equivalents:  Jim Kelly (9-8), Danny White (5-5), Brett Favre (13-11), Bob Griese (6-5), Steve Young (8-6), Kenny Stabler (7-5), Donovan McNabb (9-7), Dan Marino (8-10), Daryle Lamonica (4-5), Dan Fouts (3-4).  Good quarterbacks, but not Football Immortals.  And I'd take Kenny Stabler any day of the week over Manning.

Hell, Peyton Manning's only the third best QB in his own family. . .

2014-15 Predictions:

Super Bowl: New England over Green Bay.  Aaron Rodgers (5-4 in the playoffs) is a much, much better QB than Manning, and he will beat Seattle in the NFC title game, but I see Brady, in maybe his last chance, finally getting ring #4.

Teams Besides The Kansas City Chiefs That Will Fall-Off:

Philadelphia Eagles: Who replaces DeSean Jackson?  And no way Nick Foles goes 27 tds/2 ints again.  Don't be surprised if Mark Sanchez (4-2 in the playoffs) has to step in half-way through the season.

Carolina Panthers: Their defense should still be solid, but no receivers for Cam Newton to throw to, and Atlanta and Tampa Bay will be better.  They won 12 last year, this year 9 wins is pushing it.

Arizona Cardinals: Great defense, but how do you win 10 games again with Carson Palmer (0-2 in the playoffs) in a division with Seattle and San Francisco and a better St. Louis?

Teams That Will Win Four Or More Games Than They Won Last Year:

Houston Texans: Got rid of unstable head coach and unstable quarterback, plus added Jadeveon Clowney to an already tough defense.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Got rid of unstable head coach and unstable quarterback (though they did that early last season).  Made the best coaching hire of the off-season.  Lovie Smith won a ton of games with shitty quarterbacks in Chicago, so even though new QB Josh McCown is really just a retread who earned a shitload of money with a seven game hot streak in Marc Trestman's EZ QB system, and who will probably revert to his previous mediocre form in Tampa, Lovie will have the defense, special teams and run game to get Tampa back to at least .500.

The Iowa Of The NFL:

Indianapolis Colts: They play in the worst division in the NFL, and get their intraconference games against the worst division in the NFC (east).

Team That Had The Best Pre-Season Injury:

St. Louis Rams: Samantha Bradley did the Rams a HUGE favor by getting injured yet again.  They'll win more games with Shaun Hill under center than dump-off Bradley.  Hill don't look like much in a uniform, and he has a rather unorthodox style of both throwing and moving around in the pocket, but unlike Samantha, he's hard as nails and doesn't get tight around the collar when the game is on the line.  The Rams have a tough defense, a tough running game, and now a tough quarterback.  They're in the toughest division in the NFL, but they still might sneak into the playoffs as a wildcard, all thanks to Samantha Bradley's tissue paper knees.

Team That Hired The Most Delusional Coach:

Detroit Lions: Jim Caldwell is one of those old-timey negroes who reads his Bible and believes Exodus relates to the black man in America, etc.  He believes God gives a shit about football, and that he's in Detroit for a reason.  Well, he is in Detroit for a reason, but it's not for the reason he thinks.  He thinks he's in Detroit to reach the mountain top.  Sorry, Jim, I don't know your particulars, don't know what God is trying to reveal to you, but I do know the Detroit Lions, and God uses the Lions to teach people through failure.  Jim Caldwell thought he walked into the best opening in the NFL, the Lions with their shiny Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson and Reggie Bush and Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley, the Lions, ready to win. Sorry, Jim, but seventeen weeks from now, with your eleven or twelve typical gut-wrenching Lion losses, with the colossal failure of losing with a *sure thing,* God will have taught you something about yourself and about your life through your failure with the Lions.  It's a hard lesson, but welcome to Detroit!   

College Football Season Preview & Week 1 Picks

First-ever *Playoffs!*  No more BCS and the endless whining and politicking over the flawed system to pick which two teams should play for the *National Championship.*  Now we can have endless whining and politicking over the flawed system to pick which four teams should play for the *National Championship.*  Double the fun!

The new system is a power conference(+1) power play designed to pick four teams to play-off for the *National Championship* from the Big 12, Big 10, Pac-12, SEC, ACC(+Notre Dame if the Irish have a zero or one loss season).

And now there is even less reason to give a shit about the other sixty-three teams in the FBS. . . 

Prediction for 2014-15 *playoffs*:

#1 Florida State vs #4 UCLA

#2 Oklahoma vs #3 Georgia

Florida State is a lock.  They have the Hymen Trophy winner Jameis Winston back and a schedule featuring twelve teams they can undress as easily as Famous Jameis undresses white girls.

  

Oklahoma gets Baylor at home in what amounts to the Big 12 play-in game. 

Georgia has more running backs and receivers than most NFL teams and they hired a defensive coordinator who knows how to beat Auburn, so they win the SEC Title Game.  

UCLA is my wild-card pick over Oregon or Michigan State.  Oregon hosts MSU in a Week Two elimination game, and I have a feeling the other shoe is about to drop for the Spartans.  They've been in the right place at the right time in the shitty Big 10 for the last three or four years and now they're mistaken for a *National Power.*  I'll be shocked if Oregon doesn't roll them by at least two touchdowns.  I pick UCLA over Oregon because the Bruins have an easier schedule and Oregon is always the hot chick in the beauty contest who leads all the way, then when the money is on the line chokes on the final question and finishes runner-up. 

The Best of the Rest: South Carolina, Alabama.

Long Shots: Washington, Ole Miss, BYU  

Will Win Their First 10 Games And I Still Wouldn't Rank Them In The Top 50: Iowa.  Joke schedule.  Ten girl's schools to start the season, then two season-ending home games against Wisconsin and Nebraska.  They could be 11 - 1 by accident, get a fluke win over Michigan State or Ohio State in the Big 10 Title Game, then shame the conference forever by losing to Florida State by 50+ points in the Semi-Final game.

WEEK ONE PICKS:

Texas A&M -10.5 at South Carolina: While governments in western Africa struggle to find a way to contain the Ebola outbreak, the coaching staffs at A&M and SC struggle to find new QBs.  A&M has better options for replacing Johnny Football than SC does for Connor Shaw, but Steve Spurrier's never had a great QB in Columbia, anyway.  Spurrier won with the fun 'n' gun at Florida, but at South Carolina the old ball coach wins the old school way: with a power run game and tough defense, both of which he'll have again in 2014.  SC's defense should rough up A&M's new QB Kenny Hill enough to allow the Gamecocks to cover.  South Carolina.
  

UCF -1.5 vs Penn State: Despite losing Blake Bortles and three offensive linemen, Central Florida is still a slight favorite.  Sure, they beat PSU last year in Happy Valley, and capped off their from-out-of-nowhere season with a huge upset win over Baylor in the Fiesta Bowl, but, hey, they're still UCF.  I guess the experts figure UCF's defense can shut down hotshot PSU QB Christian Hackenberg, who lost most of last year's supporting cast.  New Nittany Lions head coach James Franklin was the SEC's colored version of Pat Fitzgerald, i.e., coach of a girl's school who wins 7 or 8 games every year against boy's schools.  Now the brown Franklin is at a boy's school where the fan base expects to win, especially against an American Athletic Conference team.  Penn State.   

Ohio State -14 at Navy:  Poor Urban Meyer!  Nobody's ever had a more meaningless 24 game win streak, and now he loses Braxton Miller.  Ha ha!  If the Urb loses two or three early games, his collar will tighten, but he'll claim the pained expression on his face is from tightness in the chest!  Hell, if Navy's defense can stop OSU's run game just enough to force new QB J.T. Barrett to have to complete a few passes, Navy could win this game outright.  Navy has a helluva QB in Kennan Reynolds and their triple option offense will drive the Buckeyes, er, nuts.  Navy. 

Clemson +7.5 at Georgia:  Clemson's lost all the superstars who shredded Georgia's horseshit defense in last year's win.  On top of that, the Dawgs fired their inept defensive coordinator and replaced him with FSU's National Championship Winning guy.  Result: Clemson gets their ass kicked this year.  In fact, Georgia should kick everybody's ass this year.  It's true they got a new QB, if a ten year back-up can be considered *new,* but all the journeyman Hutson Mason has to do is hand the ball off to one of Georgia's three NFL running backs and mix in the occasional deep ball to one of their four NFL receivers, and Georgia wins every week.  If Georgia loses five games again this year, it won't be the defensive coordinator who gets fired.  Georgia.  

Florida State -17.5 vs Oklahoma State: For Jameis Winston to repeat as the Hymen Trophy winner, he'll need to molest more white girls than he did last year, and keep the felony warrants issued against him at zero.  Florida State.

Wisconsin -4.5 vs LSU: Here's another game with both teams looking for QBs.  In fact, as of today, neither team had settled yet on a starter.  Oh, well, another year, another shitty QB at LSU.  When you consider Jamarcus Russell was Les Miles' best QB, it's amazing how many games this guy has won.  This is a tough game to call.  The Badgers will likely be breaking in a new QB, and having to go against LSU's defense right out of the gate is a tall order.  But Wisconsin does have the offensive line and running backs to punch holes in LSU's front wall.  Then again, Wisconsin's defense looks a little thin, with eight new starters.  This looks like a real ground war, with both teams trying to pound the ball for four quarters.  Going against the Mad Hatter, Wisconsin may be in for another gut-wrenching final play freak defeat like the one they took against Arizona State last year.  LSU.    

LLOYD CARR MEMORIAL BOWL:

Appalachian State +34.5 at Michigan: A rematch of the 2007 embarrassment, when #5 Michigan lost to the FCS Mountaineers, and which marked the beginning of the end for Lloyd Carr.  Truth is, even though Michigan is unranked, it would be an even bigger upset if Appy won this year.  The 2007 Appy team was GOOD, and won their third straight FCS title that year and had a great QB, Armanti Edwards, running a spread option offense the lazy Michigan coaching staff never bothered catching up to (as evidenced in the following week's humiliating 39 - 7 defeat to Oregon).  This year's Appalachian State team sucks.  As for the Wolverines, even with a new offensive coordinator, former Alabama OC Doug Nussmeier, Michigan's offense will probably still suck, as they have no offensive line and no running backs, but the defense should be solid enough and the schedule easy enough for Michigan to win 8 or 9 games, this one included, though they won't cover the 34.5.  Appalachian State.